Forum Replies Created
November 20, 2023 at 1:25 am #425139
I can definitely understand my exes side of things to a certain degree. Regardless how she handled the break up I came to realize my ex was also very manipulative.
You may have similarities to my ex but I’m not really sure as I don’t know you. She was a lovely girl just very unstable and she wasn’t really doing much to help herself. No work or therapy for a start, I would say the fact that you’re actively going to therapy, talking in this blog, speaking with you ex before just moving out etc. are some ways you are different to my ex.
Her decision could have been selfless but I think it leans more towards her triggers just being signs to leave me, that I wasn’t ‘the one’. But we will never know and that’s okay!November 20, 2023 at 1:05 am #425138
I hope you are also well and taking care of yourself. You were honestly one of my biggest supports during one of the hardest times in my life. Thank you once again.
I am doing well over all I believe. I have started to see a new girl who is completely different to my ex. She works, doesn’t have mental illness and it more responsible and mature. It’s a lot different to what I am use to in comparison to past relationships. In saying all this we haven’t had any deep conversations really but we are both happy with how it’s going. I am enjoying the casualness of it as well as keeping some of my own independence.
My final psych appointment (for the time being) was good. I go through stages where I do quite down over what happened and she reassured me that it’s normal, it just feels like I should be past it more by now. The other important thing my psych mentioned was how I might be finding it harder with new relationships that are more stable simply because I am not getting that ‘high’ that comes from a ‘low’. Rather it’s a steady and healthy pace, however I need to remind myself that this is a good thing.
So I am good at the moment. The hardest thing is I am still not over how it all happened and how I was blind to it at the time, it’s really hard for me. I know she is in a new relationship and honestly all that sits fine with me but I do find it hard coping with just not knowing. We both have our own story but I know I put in a lot of effort and made myself vulnerable in the end. I will soon be at complete peace with it I hope.
In the meantime I am focusing on myself as much as I can. I also had two new roommates move in which has been great financially and mentally for me too.
It’s great to hear from you again Tee 🙂August 4, 2023 at 6:11 am #421141
I thought I’d give a little bit of an update on how I’m doing.
Over all I am still feeling quiet flat a lot of the time but I am definitely getting better at noticing my negative thought patterns and pulling myself out of them before they spiral. I am working out a lot and eating well, I do plan on quitting smoking but at the moment I am atleast reducing my usage and trying to control it better.
A lot of the time my ex is still on my mind however I am not as upset about everything. I still feel emotional but majority of the time I can pull myself out of it.
I think the hardest thing for me at the moment is just the loneliness. I do live with my brother and keep a good close social circle and my relationship with others has improved a lot. However I still just feel like something is missing and I know the answer is most likely not a partner but something else within me. It also hurts me a bit knowing that I’m not entirely healed but i understand it is something I can’t rush.
I think I’m taking all the right steps and making mostly the correct moves in the long run. Even if I’m 1 step forward and 2 back at the moment, I know eventually I’ll be in my full stride and that’s what is carrying me at the moment. Im trying to ride those high moods for as long as possible and make the most of them, while also noticing the negative ones. It’s working quiet well, a long with keeping myself as busy as possible I am not allowing myself to think or ruminate on possibilities or fantasies too much.July 17, 2023 at 2:53 pm #420866
I know it wasn’t the right move now and I do honestly regret it a little. I was genuinely so certain that she wouldn’t even care at the time. I definitely see how it was a red flag for her, it was so unlike me and for that reason I tried making up for it by fighting but I think I just embarrassed myself a tad. I really opened up to her and got frustrated when I wasn’t getting the response I thought I would.
In the long run I think it was good for me deep down. As much as I wanted someone to spend time with, and I thought she was a compatible partner but if that happened after 3-4 weeks then it wasn’t going to work. I’m going to let it calm down and maybe message her in the future again but I think I made a fool out of myself and she will only remember how it ended.
I do see how it was an unbalanced solution now, that’s why I regret how I handled it. However I told her I was embarassed, regretful and wanting to continue to get to know her and move forward. Only she didn’t agree and that’s when she said it wouldn’t be fair on me, atleast she was honest in a way.
That was exactly what happened, once she withdrew it felt like I was with my ex again. Massive red flag for me. I asked her to tell me when she is feeling off and she replied that how can she tell me when she doesn’t tell anyone.
My ex did reply and it was very unexpected. All she said was sorry for not replying to past messages, she appreciates me and learnt a lot from me but doesn’t think it’s a good idea to talk or reconnect. Honestly I was so surprised I even got a reply so I am happy with that even if it is months later. I’m not sure if I will even reply, I want to say I’ll always be there for her and want to make it work but she should already knows that.
I think I have trouble letting people go who I see as a potential partner, this new girl felt like I just put her into the role of my ex and when I didn’t get what I expected I panicked almost.
That is exactly what I want from a partner. I wanna hear all the little things about their day, both good and bad. I want someone who isn’t going to pull away from a disagreement or be distant when things aren’t going great, someone who knows what they want and will fight to make it work.
There are obviously a lot more things I want in a partner, I will write up a proper list but that’s a good start.July 13, 2023 at 3:29 pm #420804
I thought I’d just elaborate on what I was feeling a bit more. Over the past week I really felt like I went backwards and I was very emotional over something that probably was very insignificant in the big scheme of things. It felt like I was back with my ex in a way because all I wanted to do was fight and I couldn’t handle the feeling of being ignored. So I started seeing red a bit and was probably a bit irrational.
I tried to not compare this girl to my ex but that’s obviously going to be difficult at times as she was such a big part of my life recently. I just remember all my past experiences with meeting exes and from the very start we hit things off and it didn’t go cold after about 3 weeks. That’s what really confused me and sent me down a bit of a rabbit hole. Am I expecting too much and being a bit selfish if I don’t get consistent communication and clarity about where we stand early on? It honestly felt like a manipulation tactic and a double standard to me, pulling away whether she meant it or not but then when I did it she got upset and I was the one begging for attention which hurt to hear. I think in the end I’m a bit misunderstood and I just need to learn to hold off on giving people my all at times
This girl blamed me for basically ending it because I was the one to remove her but in my eyes I wouldn’t have done it if I was actually getting responses because I would’ve felt more content.
After this whole drama I was stupid and actually texted my ex just out of comfort, but I’m only talking to myself, I genuinely don’t mind if she doesn’t ever reach out.
I think I am starting to actually understand my type and what I want from a potential partner.July 13, 2023 at 1:35 pm #420801
I hope you are enjoying your holiday!
I didn’t want to feel the attachment if it was only me. I noticed after our last date it seemed like something changed and it really played in my mind. I went from getting a good morning text nearly everyday to barely getting one message a day. I asked her out one last time and she didn’t seem keen. I ended up just removing her off my socials and within half an hour she noticed and got upset. It frustrated me how she saw that but not other messages that sat there for hours at times. I tried to reason and left it up to her if she wanted to continue talking but that was enough for her to not want to. I think it was a good thing, she was a really cool girl but it made me realise I’m just not ready for something like that again, not that I was looking for it but it happened. I may have gone about it the wrong way but that’s okay I’m still learning.
She thought I did it all for attention when really it was to protect myself because I felt how I did with my ex when I wasn’t getting any communication but I could see that she was online. I definitely opened up to her too much in the end and that’s something I got to be careful of. I’m too honest for my own good at times but I think someone will appreciate that one day.
I am just going to try focus on me more everyday. I went from feeling so lonely because of that girl to feeling more independent and because I wasn’t anxiously waiting for a message I was really productive so I think it will be good in the long wrong if I have a break from talking to people seriously.
I do regret it a little bit as I did want to get to know her more but if I noticed some redflags of mine that early on then it was probably never going to work for me. She admitted it wouldn’t be fair on me with her mood swings and disappearing so in the end she must have had some issues packed away if she told me this.
Your response made a lot of sense to me. It’s winter where I am living and I think this is also making it harder for me occasionally. I’m not as inclined to get out due to weather. I’m still trying to workout most days and keep on top of house work as much as possible. I think I need a hobby though. I haven’t gamed in months still and I feel like I have to confront doing things by myself and not rely on a partner.July 9, 2023 at 10:55 pm #420748
I am definitely trying to accept it more each day but as you said some are harder than others.
I don’t actually know the answer to your question about her mental health. I am not really sure how to go about that with her. If I had my guess I’d say she isn’t on medication.
All I know is that her previous relationship was toxic like mine. I told her we don’t really need to talk about exes.
I already noticed myself getting some attachment over this past week. We are talking less at the moment which I am somewhat fine with but it’s definitely making me a little bit anxious also. Not sure if I’m overthinking it but I feel I am getting mixed messages and I don’t know how to talk to her about this without coming across to forward or eager.
I am definitely still healing and I don’t want to push this girl away but I shouldn’t be having feelings like I am after only catching up a few times and knowing her for maybe a month. It’s all related to the break up as to why I’m feeling like this I believe.
I’m just a bit lonely at the moment and I don’t know if that’s why I’m interested in this girl more than I should be. I’m trying to just distance myself and not put all my eggs in one basket but I have always found this hard. I don’t know if I should speak with her honestly, leave it and see how things go or just distance myself even more and not stay in contact as much.July 3, 2023 at 4:26 am #420676
I understand that I’m not always going to good and bad days. Accepting this has helped a fair bit I think.
She does smoke but in general she seems a lot more reserved. My ex was very clinging and all about me from the very start and as much as I like that I think it created attachment too early for me. From now on I’m going to try be more opened minded and also aware of red flags.
It’s more that I hold myself to a high standard, sometimes I just expect too much from myself I think. I need to tell myself more I’m doing a good job in general. I am trying to talk to myself positively and it does help.July 1, 2023 at 6:44 am #420647
I do still feel the pull at times but I’m getting better at noticing it.
She is a nice girl our second date was good. I won’t be getting attached to her though as it’s hard after what I’ve been through on top of still accepting it. So far she seems a lot more relaxed than my ex. I’m not saying my ex was uptight or but I remember when we first met she was so full of energy. I loved it though and I’m trying to not compare people or situations to my ex but I also think it’s good because it may show me some red flags if they arise.
That’s really how it does feel. I have no pleasure in doing things unless it’s with someone, particularly partners.
A bit of it does resonate with me, I am critical and hard on myself. A lot of people say I am as well so I’m trying to be more gentle. I haven’t been very upset recently but as I am writing this I am a little bit, I do enjoy talking about it but it can also be difficult.
Thanks againJune 28, 2023 at 3:53 am #420533
I am glad that I’m noticing the changes now. I honestly don’t think I would even want to ever connect with my ex again and that’s a thought I haven’t had before.
The date went really well actually. I’m in a bit of a dilemma because I am obviously not fully healed yet so I know I still need time. However I know this girl is very interested in me, she already asked me onto a second date. I am happy to continue seeing her and see how things go. I may need to tell her that I need to take things slower if I don’t feel comfortable but I’ll take it as it comes.
I am trying to pace myself more, I still want to experiment and see other people so I am not putting all my eggs into one basket this time. I look back now and realise why I felt so strongly for my ex and how we started was a big thing for me. She really did chase me at first and I liked that.
I will do my best not to rush, I don’t plan on jumping into anything this time. I rather delay it as long as possible but I don’t want to push people away either.
Yeh gaming and smoking go hand in hand usually. But at the moment I haven’t been gaming at all. Barely looked at a screen in the last month besides my phone, there’s just no desire. I think I relied on partners for something to do and a way to keep occupied also. I don’t feel motivated to even watch a movie by myself, for some reason it only feels special and enjoyable with someone for an example.June 27, 2023 at 4:52 am #420503
I have been okay recently, starting to feel a lot better. I have cut my ex off completely and I’m no longer finding myself upset over it. These days I am not overthinking it anywhere near as much either. I also had a date last weekend and it was nice to meet someone new.
To answer your question earlier I haven’t experienced betrayal by a close family member.
At the moment I am feeling a lack of purpose. I think it is related to not having a partner as well. I do want to have a wife and kids in the future and after speaking with my ex about these things it’s almost as I felt more of a purpose in life.
I have been very busy at work and working out a lot. The house is the cleanest it’s ever been so in the end I think I am improving everyday however I am still smoking more than I’d like.
Thanks for checking up on me Tee
I hope you are also well!June 14, 2023 at 6:02 am #420073
My psych said a similar thing. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about me but that there wasn’t some care factor in the relationship and if she didn’t care for certain things which was most likely related to her trauma. That’s what I gathered anyway. She also reassured me that 5 weeks in still very fresh when you think about the time we shared together. I can’t move it’s too difficult. I am ere too stay but that’s okay I doubt I will see her around very often, I hope that was just a one off. To be honest in the back of my mind I have been ‘looking out for her’ on my daily travels.
Yes she would always flee, my psych thinks that she also struggles to be alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was in a relationship quite soon but I will do my best to not let it bother me. I’m very optimistic about my future however my frustration comes from knowing I have a process to get there.
I completely trusted this girl probably nearly more than anyone. I trusted her like family and I genuinely believed she would never leave me again. It’s obvious she was just telling me what I wanted to hear.
I feel like as time went on she became more blaming and less understanding. In the beginning she just came off as a lot more laid back and wouldn’t overreact as much.
I actually told myself that I can put up with 6 months of it and would do my best to be there for her during the 2 week withdrawals. Very demanding of myself without even adding in her demands.
I think her trauma did overtake her as time went on. In the beginning I don’t think she had any seizures. However as time went on I noticed them more often.
I completely understood where she was coming from. Another conversation that I had with my psych was that I genuinely wanted to help her. Obviously I wanted to help her so we could have a healthy relationship but I came to the conclusion that even if she did heal but decided she didn’t want a relationship I believe I would’ve taken the break up a lot better. Basically she may have been a lot more rational and understanding while giving me proper closure and talking about things. It’s like she was too scared to talk to me because she would have to face that she was an issue and caused me a lot of distress with her abuse. It’s sad because I never actually got to see the real her only glimpses. But I feel like if my ex was healthier we would’ve been great together, unfortunately that isn’t reality and she may always be this way.
After my session my psych doesn’t believe it has to do with my inner child but rather a need for validation from a partner because otherwise it makes me feel unwanted and uncared for. Like something is wrong with me almost.
I really did fall in love with her from the get go, I knew the second we first spoke we would have something. I fell in love with that version of her in the beginning. Obviously we couldn’t always maintain that honeymoon stage but that’s what got me hooked. It’s why I still want her back and I realise that it wouldn’t be healthy. I am searching for that spark again.
I don’t think there is a hole in me I do relate to wanting a oneness though. It was a really good session today my psych gave me a lot of closure I was looking for. She makes me feel sane even though I know I am. We did an exercise on what I would say to her if I could and I also had to think of what she would say. It was quite hard but it was good to get it out. I think she knows how she made me feel, she can’t be that blind to it. But I don’t think she justifies it in her mind and it makes it easier for her. I was abused and She wouldn’t want to believe that or hear it. As I said earlier I only wanted to help her but that was my biggest mistake.June 13, 2023 at 4:02 am #420052
Honestly at the moment I’m doing better but I am still struggling. I think the hardest thing for me is just accepting that in the end she didn’t care. I am finding it hard to fully move on. It’s been 5 weeks and I feel myself still holding onto things. I am catch myself still wanting to check her socials and even detour past her place at times, I’m not sure why. I actually saw her when I was driving the other day but she didn’t see me. What was really odd though was what she was wearing. The jumper I got back off her when we broke up she has gone and found someone selling it (they don’t sell them anymore). I just found it really odd that she got the exact same jumper as the one she returned, I obviously left an impression on her in someway.
I think you’re right, she never seemed open to therapy. She did mention if things get really bad we would do couple therapy but she told me she knows we can always work things out. She knows she needs therapy she is just avoiding it. She admitted after our last break up that it was completely reasonable and she does need it.
The bad break ups started happening before she reduced her medication. Probably due to the trauma and her reading into everything. In saying that reducing her medication definitely caused problems towards the end. It was always revolving around her withdrawals. My psych found it odd that it’s still occurring saying she shouldn’t be getting withdrawals every 2 weeks, might just be another cop out.
I did trust that she would heal on her own. I was very accepting of her moods as well. But I did show resistance because it started affecting me and I think she realised I was acting different. Only she didn’t want to accept that it was due to her “healing process”. I actually told her myself that I don’t say much to her because I know she is easily triggered especially while reducing medication. I also told her that she will do it all herself but I will be there the whole way. So I guess I was saying ‘I’ll take whatever you throw at me because I trust you are going to heal so in the meantime focus on yourself and treat me however you feel”. It honestly seemed like that’s what I was trying to tell her and I was okay with it.
Yes I definitely adore the spontaneity. At first we hit it off however the next day she told me she can’t talk and needs to figure herself out… foreshadowing early on. I left my number and said msg me anytime! She ended up texting me a few weeks later and I knew she would, that gut feeling was there. Again we hit it off and basically hung out the next day and the rest is history. So she almost chased me at first, she instigated the first date etc and I loved that. I feel like she got more uptight and judgemental of me as time went on.
They were basically her exact words Tee. She didnt feel like she was her true self when she was on medication and she wanted to be off them. She wanted off them because she didn’t want to live her life on medication and she wanted to feel and enjoy things not on any medication basically. I think she thought something was wrong with her. She asked me many times if I thought something was wrong with her too.
I really did fall in love with her in the beginning and maybe that’s all it is. I loved her at the start but eventually there wasn’t much to love. Although I still did love her. She really left a mark on me and I feel like I want to chase that high again that we had on the beginning. Whether it’s with her or another person I think that’s what I want to feel at the moment but I know eventually good things will come.
I have a psych appointment tomorrow I’ll let you know how it goes!June 7, 2023 at 4:15 am #419810
It’s starting to feel good. I’m still up and down but this whole week I’ve felt mostly up. I think now it’s been a month I’ve learnt to accept it and also the thought of if she will reach out has faded a lot.
I don’t think you are blaming or judging me, everyone I’ve spoken to understands that it’s hard for me considering I was manipulated and controlled. I am learning to detach I think I’ve realised it was my inner child who was attracted to certain things about her. My inner child really did want this if that’s the case.
Yeh when we last got back together she basically said it’s up to me if I want to stick around for her ‘6 or so month healing process’ so basically until she was off her medication. I told her I’m here all the way, we spoke about therapy once she has an income but she didn’t get a job despite getting numerous offers.
I would say she didn’t want to accept the toll it took on me and I also didn’t want to tell her either. However she did say to me that she knows she is a lot to handle. An example of holding onto the past was when I told her that I have walls and a guard up because of the last break ups and she has to gain my trust again. She basically said I shouldn’t hold onto what’s happened in the past as now is all that matters to her. She wanted me to blindly trust her.
I think it will just be a personal achievement as I don’t know if it relates to me being a good partner but more the idea of it being a good relationship because we reached a milestone.
I do see why I fought now and I understand a lot more; my mind is starting to get clearer.
I think it’s very ironic. I am genuinely an easy to please person. A lot of people and not just my partners have said this to me and I’ve come to realise majority of them are not actually easily pleased.
I do jump into relationships quickly now I think of it. This one in particular was an unexpected one. I think I am so attached to how it all started which made it a bit harder. It was very spontaneous and natural and that’s what I wanted from meeting someone new and I think that’s what I miss and I try hold onto.
I will still try post here but I have been feeling a lot better this week so I’m looking forward to seeing how I feel this weekend.
Thanks again!June 5, 2023 at 3:56 am #419762
Sorry for the last message format!