Forum Replies Created
March 21, 2023 at 10:37 pm #416580
She actually agreed to therapy so I will let her do it off her own back. If I don’t see her taking action on it though, I will push her a bit to go there. I told her its for her own good and also my own peace of mind. She is meditating a little bit for her own well-being, in the past she has mentioned it’s the only thing that has actually helped her. So I will convince her too keep meditating.
It’s been very confusing she said she does want to get back with me but doesn’t want me to be in the middle of her own issues for the next 5-6 months. This is how long she thinks it will take to taper off her medication. I offered my support regardless.
I am going to talk about it tonight with my psychologist. The feeling of being rejected and abandoned. I wouldn’t know where too start with this but I am happy to talk about it. I don’t think there is a specific example from my childhood where I felt really rejected and that’s what caused it. Maybe more just feeling like a didn’t fit in when I was younger and that caused it?
It has been intense. She has opened up to me and been very heart felt and apologetic. We are currently talking and seeing how things go. I am definitely a lot more vigilant. She knows she has to gain my trust again on top of break my walls down. It’s a hard feeling to describe because I do want to give her my all but I know right now we can’t be perfect/healthy. I am giving her my encouragement and support still but I have made it obvious that she needs to do the hard work and face it all herself.March 19, 2023 at 2:56 pm #416469
I think I made it obvious at first that I was okay with her behavior but now she may realise that I wasn’t and it might be making her upset because she knows she has to change but is finding it difficult. No she doesn’t want to face the consequences or take responsibility.
So you really think she doesn’t actually want to work on herself from what I’ve told you? She is in a very bad place at the moment.
As I said earlier I can’t save her but I do really feel rejected as an entire person. She didn’t want anything to do with me in the end but we both know it’s for the best.
I’ve definitely come a long way in the last few weeks. I’m going to give myself time but I’d say in another few weeks I’ll be doing a lot better. It’s hard love. Definitely didn’t see any of this coming even after all the red flags I was shown. I hope she does get herself together because I do care for her a lot and feel like one day maybe she would be able to give it a real crack again.
I am going to read through this topic again so I can fully process it all and hopefully it speeds up the healing and let’s me see the facts clearly.
Thanks a lot for all your help again Tee. What a messed up situation it was, I’ll send any updates in the future.March 19, 2023 at 1:17 am #416395
I handled the conversation very well and maturely if I do say so myself. After talking for about a day back and forth I realized that it’s the exact same as when we were in a relationship. Nothing changed. She went silent on me for nearly 3 weeks then reaches out with nothing but confusion in what she wants.
She really did take me for granted not just as a partner, but in general. I think me stopping talking to her will really make her think about all of this and I hope it encourages her to better herself. I was so accepting of her own issues and I honestly don’t think many people would be. I feel like most people would’ve stopped the pursuit a lot earlier than I did. I’m very persistent and she will come to appreciate the fact that I wanted to stay around and offer my help.
I think her saying she can’t give me what I want, was her talking about a relationship or being in each others lives. But maybe it was about healing herself. I think she was unintentionally manipulating me and she knew I would always come running back to her and she knew she wouldn’t have to do anything. Her dissociation was definitely playing a huge role in the relationship as well. She said she didn’t want to open up to me out of fear that she would hurt me? I told her it would be the opposite and I would’ve been grateful if she opened up to me. She is so backwards it seems and very inconsiderate. Saying one thing then doing the other. I was using her own words that she said but then completely go back on it, like she saw I was agreeing with her that we should move on, yet she didn’t like it? It was too confusing.
I told her she can always reach out to me and that I am always open to it. I think she eventually will again and I know I am will be in a much better place then. Who knows maybe I don’t even bother replying to her at that point, I do think I will always have a soft spot and feelings for her in the end.
I think she knows that regarding the friends, I knew it wouldn’t work deep down. Ideally I just wanted contact every few weeks at least to check up on her. Who knows maybe she will reach out to me in a few weeks to see how I am but I know now I need to completely leave her alone as her issues are not mine anymore.
No nothing good will come out of this situation right now. I am feeling a lot better about everything now but I am still obviously shook up. I am looking forward to what the future has in store most of all.March 18, 2023 at 4:17 pm #416390
She wasn’t doing anything in particular I just thought she would push me a lot, but I see now why she did and that she only wanted the best for me. I think the real desire to help a partner developed with this girl definitely. Yeh she said it gets really messy in her head when she gets into a relationship, she is definitely playing the victim.
We have been talking. I suggested friends and continuing to talk. She is just so conflicted in her thoughts and about everything she says. The conversation really went nowhere at the end of the day because of this, but I did get a little bit of closure. She was the one that said we need to move on so I agreed and said I’m moving on, and that she needs to fix things. I gave her the treatment she gave me and she got upset! She said she wants to talk and wants me in her life but I told her she needs to show me she wants me in her life and take action on it.
After many messages she finally said this;
If I’m being honest about what I want selfishly I’d be in your arms right now where I feel safe and comfortable and everything feels normal and I’d be happy. I say selfishly because I know that I will only result in more pain for both of us when we go through what we’ve gone through all over again.
She went on to say she loves me but is sorry she can’t give me what I want, taking both our best interest in mind. It’s like she is holding off pushing me away fully though and she doesn’t want me to push her away either but I have to cut ties I think. This is such a messed up situation.
Yes I agree she just wants a shoulder to try on it feels like, but then at times she doesn’t want to talk. I am showing her what she has done is okay through my actions, but it isn’t. Her behavior is so confusing, it’s brought me to the worst place in my life. A handful is an understatement this whole weekend was a mess due to how conflicted she really is. She genuinely doesn’t know what she wants but it feels like she doesn’t want too loose me in case it doesn’t work out elsewhere or she feels ready one day. Neither of these are fair on me, I am starting to notice how much better I deserved.March 17, 2023 at 3:19 pm #416382
My relationship with Mum was never negative. I use to feel like she didn’t love me at times when I was younger but it was like you said, I didn’t want to disappoint her and she was only wanting the best for me. Nowadays our relationship is great but it was never really bad or toxic.
I don’t remember trying to save people when I was younger, it could be I was trying to save myself through intimate partners? It did make me feel good knowing I have someone close in that sense.
She needed up messaging me. She said things along the lines of.
The fact that when I feel like that my thoughts are so fast and irrational my body can’t keep up with it. The fact that I’ll blame someone else and end up hurting them for no reason just because I let it out.
She says she feels too messed up that why would anyone want to be close by when she can try keep the peace by doing it herself. Conflicting thoughts again.
Talking about her own issues and she doesn’t want to do damage to others. She obviously cares for me but is she trying to make me pity her? I’m not sure. She does want me in her life and told me that talking to me matters a lot to her which is confusing. She is also confused.
Yes this girl was never too much for me despite all her issues. Where as the others I wanted to get away from and didn’t really feel like helping. I was new to relationships and I think I wasn’t mature enough about them myself. So I saw it as too much and that we weren’t compatible.March 17, 2023 at 4:07 am #416369
Your doing gods work here! Yes I have been rejected a lot by girls I think, especially when I was younger. I was never confident with women growing up, but I am now. I’ve always had trouble reading peoples emotions and especially females, I know they are complex individuals. Aren’t we all? I never did well with the ladies in my mind until I was maybe 21 years old.
You are right with the the comment about being co-dependent but I do think we were compatible at the end of the day. The connection was there for sure. However maybe we weren’t compatible in what we were looking for in a relationship, due to her trauma.
These are both good lessons I think I should understand that I can’t save people it’s just hard for me because it is what I want to do! I want to help others. I know there isnt anything wrong with me or that I’m a bad person, just very persistent and honest.
I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, again its probably just an illusion but I know over time I will get better and love myself again. I have high hopes for my future self. I think my main issue is just getting invested and attached, as I said I give most people my all if I feel the connection.
Eventually I think I will be okay. I am getting less and less harsh on myself as i get older!March 17, 2023 at 1:37 am #416367
I genuinely mean you’ve helped me a lot. You don’t have to answer but do you have a background in mental health study?
I think you are spot on there. I do feel completely rejected as a person, maybe that’s what leads me to thinking some of these negative thoughts about my own character despite knowing I am caring and loving deep down. I am definitely feeling different about things today and I’m not under the illusion of I could’ve done things differently as much anymore, I pull myself up on it whenever I have that thought. Her trauma and mental health is the reason too why she left in my eyes. I think everyone agrees.
I know I wasn’t bad to her, as you and Peggy said I was a loving and caring partner. I don’t believe someone would be more worthy than me but maybe more compatible? Who knows, I think in her eyes someone else out there is but that’s probably her own illusion. If she does find someone else the same thing will happen, she will view everything through her lens of trauma as you said. Maybe not at first but eventually.
Maybe I am blaming myself a bit but it doesn’t feel like I am. However, I do know that I didn’t deserve it. I deserved someone who would stick by me and let me in too support them, even as a friend. I am doing my best to cleanse myself of these “what ifs”.
Glad that I am not crazy by doing that behavior. Both you and my psych reassured me that now. Being the abandoned party sucks but I will grow so much from this experience. Whoever it is in the future I will be a lot more vigilant and hesitant, not saying I will completely put my walls up. I think they will go down eventually as I tend to let people in very easily, I’m an honest open person.
I think the most difficult thing for me right now is because she is away, I am still in limbo. She may not know she received a letter and poem, unless her sister who was home when I dropped it off has told her. So its almost like I’m eagerly anticipating that she will get home and read the poem and reach out to me in someway. A part of me really hopes she does but a part of me also thinks maybe it’s best she doesn’t. Either way I’m trying to move on because I understand she may be cold about it and not message me and I know I need to let go for now, I cant wait around. I believe for now she doesn’t see it working but I can only assume.
I think you’re points are fantastic, I think I am being harsh on myself and not kind enough. Not necessarily blaming me and feeling guilty for what happened.
Thanks again Tee!March 16, 2023 at 2:18 pm #416362
I forgot to add something. I have obviously been quite obsessive and struggling to move on and let go. I have driven past hers a few times and this is how I know she has been away. My psych said she did the same thing once and it is a coping mechanism. Also the stalking I have been doing, social media is so toxic and has made it harder for me.
In saying all of this I’ve almost been expecting to drive past hers and see some new persons car or something similar, like I’m almost looking for a reason to move on and feel no pity. Is this a sign in a sense? Clarification for myself that she didn’t care to make it easier to let go? Or is it just another coping mechanism?March 16, 2023 at 1:50 pm #416361
Just letting you know you’ve been really helpful. I have a lot of support outside of here but just thought I’d let you know that you have given me a great deal of support yourself and it’s a blessing.
I think that’s what has made it more difficult for me. My desire to help others has just been thrown away. Even after everything she’s put me through which I know I deserve a lot better, I still can’t resist the urge to want to help her. I guess it says a lot about my character. I just wish she would’ve allowed me in for support. Who knows maybe she still will, for now I’m stuck in limbo.
I honestly do believe it is my fault a bit because I failed to get her the proper help she needs, maybe my persistence was too much for her. I know there isn’t anything wrong with me yet I do ponder of the what ifs. What could I have done differently etc. But I know I gave my all in the end it’s just a kick in gut when she didn’t want to better herself and make the changes. It’s hurts to hear she doesn’t feel safe in the relationship. I worry about the future for this reason, what if the next person she changes for? What if she feels comfortable getting the help she needs and works on herself for them and for her? I would be upset if that’s the case.
She said that the leaving and running away was a trauma response so it makes sense. So she was even aware of it herself which is so frustrating considering she didn’t want to realise that and change and justified leaving me with other reasons. I really do feel like she has tried to make me feel pity on top of manipulating me even if that was unintentional.
You’re right no one knows what she is thinking, not even she does. I know she would be in a bad place though deep down. I don’t know what will happen but I feel like now the more we drift apart the more she tells herself it was me that was making her feel what she felt.
Time is all I can give but I don’t think this girl was any good for me as that is what everyone is telling. From the outside it’s easier to see but the facts are all there. Why else would she be on a dating app? I am obviously heart broken and think I will be left with real abandonment issues after this. It wasn’t fair on me at all, she dragged me through the mud. A friend had a good perception that I may be picturing her highs as very high because her lows were very low, do you think this could be the case?March 16, 2023 at 11:09 am #416353
Atleast it’s given me a reason to move on and let go. I know I’m worthy of love but this isn’t it. I’ve wasted a lot of my own time and well-being on someone who is mentally unstable and full of conflicted thought and internal battles within themselves. I only wanted to help. Like a superhero trying to save someone.
I think it could definitely be related to that since I do know what I put into the relationship but despite my effort it wasn’t enough. It is frightening that whatever I did it didn’t matter in the end or in the moment despite everything we shared.
Maybe it is a false belief that I was lied too. But it doesn’t feel that way. I feel like if you say all those things to people despite the challenges you try your hardest. Relationships are hard work and never perfect. I understand that there will be bad times but you must work through it and overcome those hurdles and grow together with the person, especially if you believe they are the one and someone you want to marry. She obviously saw it differently, maybe just hoping that her partner will fix her own issues. I don’t think me ruminating on every single possibility helps either, they all scare me.
The only way I will even consider something now is if she returns from her holiday and pours everything out on the table and wants to genuinely talk about it. But I don’t think that will happen to be completely honest. It could be the most heartfelt apology and her saying she definitely knows it’s me she wants but I feel like that would be her just telling me the right things. Either way I think I may just say no. She needs therapy for herself. Do you think I would be stupid to give her another chance?
She may think I’ve moved on and then she will return and see my letter and think she messed it up. Which is true it’s her mess and she needs to clean it up. If I get no reply within a week or two I will be blocking everything and deleting her from my life. I think it needs to be done at that point. If she loved me truly she would want to be with me. It’s so weird that she hasn’t even reached out yet but it just shows her immaturity.March 16, 2023 at 1:20 am #416347
It is a harsh reality that at the end of the day this is her and what I envisioned she would be is a fantasy. Still I haven’t given up hope and I am struggling to process everything that’s happened, if she was genuine at the end of the day she will want to reconnect when she is thinking rationally. Over time the good memories will be more present than the bad ones (for me there wasn’t too many besides her rubber banding) and I think the feelings will return too. I am trying to not prepare for the situation too much because I don’t want to get too excited as it may not even happen.
I’m not sure why I get attached like this but I don’t think its from my childhood. Maybe I need to speak to my psych about it. I’m devastated, I’m pretty sure she is talking to someone she met on the dating app if my detective work is right, I have my suspicions due to social media. It really hurts that she would do me like that if it is the case. But if so I know eventually I will be stronger and she will be in the same cycle for a long time. Have I been lied to about everything she said? She left me in the dark and it is gut wrenching if she has already moved on.
If I do hear from her I will definitely post her reply here for advice.March 15, 2023 at 2:35 pm #416337
So from what you’re saying if she resists it then there wouldn’t be any point pursuing things with her again in the future?
Yeh that was definitely the case with my past relationships. This one felt like we were both clingy, she honestly seemed like she wanted it more but again it wasn’t always. I definitely got more attached and invested when she would say things like she knows I’m the one, so happy with you, want to be your wife one day and that she is so lucky to have me. I wanted to be attached for these reasons because I genuinely believed she wanted me as a lifelong partner. I still have in my head that deep down she does as well but she is so hurt and torn that something inside her is telling her to push me away and that it isn’t meant to be. Hard pill too swallow.
Im not sure what has happened overall. It is slowly making sense that she was really confused and listened to her emotional traumatized side over what she really wanted. I just can’t give up hope for these reasons. I certain she will message me back after everything she has told me. However I won’t know how to respond as she could reply with a million different things depending on where she is at and how her mood is at the timeMarch 15, 2023 at 6:13 am #416324
Her trauma definitely seems like it left a massive scar on her as I believe her being prescribed to medication came from that. I’m not totally sure but they definitely both came around the same time as she was prescribed when she was 17 and the trauma happened at about the same time. It’s good to know that if it ever comes to a point where she wants to reconnect under certain conditions then there is therapy available that is effective.
I am seeing a psych for my anxiety. Girls are definitely my biggest killer as I tend to get attached and obsessive which is what I will be looking at next with my psych. My first issue was the weed smoking but now I have good control over that and I’m happy where I am with that. My psych has mentioned breathing techniques, I should practice these more. I have been trying to ground myself but not sure if it’s helping as much.
Grief is difficult and you’re right there isn’t a logical explanation to me. It’s all full on confusion as she probably doesn’t understand why she had to actually do it either. I will try accept the situation as best as possible. Either way I will learn in the end and grow immensely from this experience regardless of the outcome between us too. I’m trying to remind myself this everyday and not focus my well being on her too much as I may end up getting burnt again.
thanks for your reply!March 15, 2023 at 6:04 am #416323
Demons may be the wrong word but she definitely has a lot of underlying issues that need to be solved. May not be the best idea but I was looking through some of our earlier messages. Some really stood out from different days and weeks. One was her randomly apologizing for how she has been saying she can’t handle these big emotions and she lets them take over her like she is watching herself do and say things that aren’t actually her. Then other times she says she is distant and doesn’t know how to talk and let it out. She told me she doesn’t want to hurt me because she loves me too much and doesn’t want to f*** things up. It’s stuff like this that is so conflicting for me as I am getting both sides of her.
To answer your question one of the conditions my psych said was to actually say that therapy is a must so I know she is making the changes. But again it’s hard as she wouldn’t want to be forced but I think it would have to come to that for my own security.
I honestly do believe myself that I was loving and caring because I know I was great to her, even she said it. It may have only been the rational side of her though, there were times were she would feel like I treated her badly and would need that extra reassurance but that was just her insecure, sensitive and wounded side. The genuine down to earth side of her knew I was amazing and so do I. Deep down I know she was lucky to have me. I genuinely do love myself and things I do for people, I always go above and beyond. I know im good without hearing it from others.March 15, 2023 at 2:38 am #416319
I still have high hopes for her. I think she will get back to me once she reads my letter and poem. If she doesn’t then I will have my answer and I wont continue to chase someone that is running away. I don’t think ill mention to her about being disrespected and her doing that is wrong in my eyes, it will just push her away even more and make me look too attached, emotional and that I am struggling without her. I will simply leave her with the letter and poem as my final words. I think this would leave a better memory for her and cause less resent. But if she doesn’t want my help even as a friend then there isn’t anything I can do besides better myself. Maybe one day she reaches out but I won’t jump to conclusions just yet. Do you think this is wise? I will obviously be coming back here once I know she has 100% received my letter and let you know what her response was if I do get one.
She almost did seem like she had dual personalities at times. One that was so bubbly and comforting but on the odd occasion she would completely shut off or turned on me. She was jobless most this year, I remember about a week before we split I encouraged her to find work. She told me ‘don’t tell me what to do, I know I need too’. I told her I know you’re having a bad day and I’m only trying to help. She told me ‘I can help myself, talk later’. (This is all over text). Later that day she apologized and said ‘I know your only trying to help. let me know when you’re free’. I went over and she mentioned she had feelings of leaving again, however she didn’t leave so I congratulated her for beating that feeling. In this moment she was happy. However the very next day she messaged again saying she was feeling flat, I told her you should be proud of yourself, you’re doing great, you can come over too mine anytime! She replied ‘I want to stay at home and I know you rather be alone at your place, you said you’d be there for me not just because I ask but because you want too’. I told her she was putting it back onto me and she didn’t like that so there was a tiny misunderstanding. We both agreed we weren’t looking for a fight, I ended up going over to hers. She apologized sorry for taking it out on me and admitted she was. She also mentioned it may be her insecurity and she just needs reassurance. So it did seem like a dual personality just from this situation I mentioned over a two day period.
she had demons in her, I briefly remember her also texting me one time saying she dissociated and ended up about 20 minutes from home with no recollection. She also mentioned she would go completely black at times like she lost vision. I told her I am worried but she should’ve gotten proper help for it herself. Are symptoms like this related to any specific cause? I do genuinely care for her and want whats best for her.
It definitely helps a lot it does seem like her head would say one thing and her heart the other. She was torn between what she wanted and what she thought she needed by the sound of it. The wounded part did win, I think it was just survival for her at the end of the day and it made her feel safe at the time and she couldn’t process rational thoughts. This is what gives me hope that she will eventually come to realize I was good and loving and only wanted to help but for now I will try not dwell on the future as right now she may be really wanting to find her own path and start a new journey. I worry for people she may hurt in the future.
Thanks Tee, you have been great