Home→Forums→Relationships→My depressed girlfriend left me
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March 9, 2023 at 5:10 pm #416078AdamParticipant
My girlfriend of about 9 months who I genuinely thought was the one, and told me she felt the same just left me a week ago. Im 25 she is 21. It has happened more than once but the last time she left after a few days we got back together, she told me she would never leave again and that she knows we can always talk about a solution.
Then after a couple months it went being a great night talking about kids, marriage and the future to her literally walking out saying she has to leave as she needs time and space to heal on her own. She said she genuinely loved me and wished she was the one but didn’t see it working out, constantly torn between her heart and her head and that shebkept having feelings of leaving and it isn’t fair to keep going on like that just because she loved me. She told me she wants to be here for me and still have her in her life but in the past I have always fought so she asked for space and time and wanted me to respect that.
She has a lot of trauma, insecurities and was trying to taper off of her anti depressants. She wasn’t working at the time and would’ve been constantly overthinking at home, while I am out working preparing for the future. I was always there for her and I believe she did know that. I know she is lost and now I am too I am not sure what to do as I do want to keep fighting but know she needs time. I tried pushing her down the route of therapy but I know it is something you can’t force.
It’s constantly on my mind and now feel like my world has gone. I want to reach out to her so bad. A week before we split she sent me a poem as a reply to my heartfelt letter after the last time we split up I think it was a cry for help now I look back. I have been righting my own poem as a reply, expressing my feelings, thoughts and my love for her in it. I just want her to know that I am here and I support her even if we aren’t together right now.
I feel a bit lost and I am only wanting her to know that I am here to help with her battle. I know how hard it is to deal with depression alone myself.
March 10, 2023 at 10:47 am #416089TeeParticipantDear Adam,
I am sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard to see someone you love suffer, and I think it is even harder when they reject your help and ask for space.
You said she is suffering from depression and has a lot of past trauma and insecurities, and it is no wonder that she is internally conflicted and cannot really sustain a healthy relationship. And she too has realized it, and has asked you to give her some space as she works on things alone, probably because she feels bad for not being able to meet your and her own expectations regarding the relationship.
You said you two were talking one day about a hopeful future together (Then after a couple months it went being a great night talking about kids, marriage and the future), but the very next day she said she had to leave and work on her healing alone. I think this shows how conflicted she is: on one hand she would like all those great things with you, but on the other her own emotional wounds and demons from the past don’t let her. That’s why she can’t promise that future to either herself or you. And she doesn’t want to give you false hopes either. That’s why I think she chose to leave – to be removed from the pressure to promise things either to herself or to you.
The thing is that we can’t save anybody. You can’t save her, you can only support her and encourage her. And it seems that right now she doesn’t want to be directly encouraged either, to be pushed, to be expected to see a therapist (I tried pushing her down the route of therapy but I know it is something you can’t force).
So the only thing you can do is support her from afar, to root for her, to keep her in your loving thoughts and prayers. To love her and have high hopes for her… but at the same time let go of any expectations. That’s hard, I know, but that’s the only way…
You said you yourself had experience with depression (I know how hard it is to deal with depression alone myself). So perhaps you can give her some tips on what to do, but without making it seem like pressuring her, like expecting her to change. What I think you’d need is to be there for her if she reaches out, to perhaps regularly send her loving thoughts and poems if she’s open to it, to hold the highest vision for her healing…. but not to pressure her to do anything. You’d need to learn to let go and trust in the best possible outcome….
I know she is lost and now I am too
I know it’s hard, but try not to tie your happiness to her happiness. Try to not sink into depression yourself. As much as you love her, you are a separate person. Try to stay positive and constructive, do what makes you happy, engage in hobbies, take care of yourself. You can also help her better (even if from afar) if you are taking better care of yourself. You can even choose to focus on your career at the moment and pursue some professional development, if it helps you worry less about her and your relationship.
I think it would help you if you had something positive to focus in your life, and if you worked on the goals you can accomplish and that you do have control over (vs focusing on her healing, which you don’t have control over). And of course, be supportive to the extent she is open to, with lots of hope but little pressure on her….
How does this sound?
March 10, 2023 at 2:21 pm #416091AdamParticipantHey Tee, thanks for the reply.
I have been doing a lot of research to understand what she may be going through and I realise this is a difficult time for her. We still haven’t spoken but I do want to reach out to her as I believe she is afraid too now and probably feels a lot of guilt about what happened. She may also be thinking I deserved better.
I am not sure how to fully offer my help from afar as you mentioned above but I will be sending her a card and poem to just check in on her and let her know she has my complete support. Should I wait for her to reach out first though? I feel like she may not for a very long time, I just don’t know how long I should wait either.
It is a very difficult time for me indeed as I care for her deeply but I am slowly processing everything better each day and doing my best to continue with my own journey for now.
I genuinely feel like she did love me but had to emotionally detach herself from the relationship in order to protect both of us. I am still hopeful for the future and I just want to show her I can be a friend and not just intimately as I know right now it won’t work with her past. I do want to wait for her and let her know she has me as a shoulder to lean on and in the meantime focus on myself in whatever way I can.
March 11, 2023 at 3:13 am #416093TeeParticipantDear Adam,
you’re welcome.
I am not sure how to fully offer my help from afar as you mentioned above but I will be sending her a card and poem to just check in on her and let her know she has my complete support.
It’s a good plan to send her a card and a poem, letting her know you’re thinking about her and that she can count on you. You can tell her something similar to what you’ve expressed here: I just want her to know that I am here and I support her even if we aren’t together right now. I am only wanting her to know that I am here to help with her battle.
Should I wait for her to reach out first though? I feel like she may not for a very long time, I just don’t know how long I should wait either.
I don’t think you should wait till she reaches out, because that might indeed take a long while, and she might be uncertain as to how you would react. How have you reacted when she told you she needed space, btw?
She told me she wants to be here for me and still have her in her life but in the past I have always fought so she asked for space and time and wanted me to respect that.
I just want to show her I can be a friend and not just intimately as I know right now it won’t work with her past.
Does it mean she wants to stay friends with you, but not be romantically involved, as she has difficulty with that?
You said she told you at some point she thought you were “the one”, the same you felt about her (My girlfriend of about 9 months who I genuinely thought was the one, and told me she felt the same). But you also said:
She said she genuinely loved me and wished she was the one but didn’t see it working out, constantly torn between her heart and her head and that shebkept having feelings of leaving and it isn’t fair to keep going on like that just because she loved me.
When I read “torn between her heart and her head”, it sounds like she wanted to love you but her heart wasn’t fully in it. There can be two reasons for that. One is (which I assumed earlier) that she can’t love you properly because she doesn’t love herself either. Another reason could be that she can love you as a friend, but not as a lover, i.e. that something stands in the way of her being romantically attracted to you. I haven’t thought about this second option earlier, and it might not be true at all, but just wanted to check with you and make sure I am understanding the situation fully…
March 11, 2023 at 5:06 am #416094AdamParticipantI also think it’s a good plan to send her my thoughts, ideas and support. I know I will regret it in the future if don’t do this. People are telling me one month to wait. It’s nearly been 2 weeks so I am going to reach out myself because as I said I think she is afraid too as she knows she hurt me a lot and probably thinks I’m moving on and I’m done with her. She would believe I deserve better I think. But I don’t want better I genuinely want her and to work on what we had even if it is a friend.
the way I reacted when she told me she wants space was me telling her we can talk about things. I told her that she knows it’s just a trauma response and she responded by saying I shoouldnt be getting that trigger and it’s already happened more than once. I believe she thinks I may be triggering her trauma at times but I have always actively adapted to every time this has occurred, giving her reassurance that I am not actually purposefully doing it. Using that information to change what I do.
I honestly believe she does want me in her life as she is genuine with what she said. The only reason would be because I have fought for it in the past. I think she does want a future with me and all those things we spoke about because it always seemed so real. However I think she was scared of letting me down, getting my hopes up and not feeling like she was enough for me.
I do think she can love me as a lover only that her heart wasn’t fully in it and she detached from because she may have been scared of disappointing me or she had a feeling within herself that maybe something was off. If something was off I think it was within herself.
I am happy to try start a friendship with her and be there for her during these dark times I just don’t want her thinking I am only in it for a relationship. At the end of the day she said I was her best boyfriend, her rock, her best friend etc and wanted me in her life so it is giving me expectations that she does want me as a lifelong partner only that she may not have been ready for it. She was obviously conflicted and I think it was because of her trauma and depression that she left the relationship. Fear of being vulnerable. She isn’t fully in tune with her emotions and she is definitely overthinks and reads into every little detail. I am going to do my best to show her I can offer unconditional love even if it isn’t intimate. But I do want her at the end of the day.
March 11, 2023 at 5:14 am #416095AdamParticipantThis is the message I was thinking of sending her. Keep in mind we never fought and I didn’t say anything rude to her only that I was left with the feeling that someone could give her the happiness I couldn’t.
<p class=”p1″>Hey **** I hope you are well </p>
<p class=”p1″>I know I said I wouldn’t send anything so don’t take this the wrong way, including my past actions and words. This isn’t me asking for the relationship back only offering my support and assistance if you want it. You can count on me even though we aren’t together. </p>
<p class=”p1″> have the highest vision for your healing. </p>
<p class=”p1″>You have my loving thoughts and prayers. I’m rooting for you in every way possible even if it is from afar. You will find something you are passionate about. Whatever you are pursuing you have my best wishes. </p>
<p class=”p1″>It’s your choice but i welcome the idea of us talking on any basis of your own, my lines of communication are always open. Always </p>
<p class=”p1″>I have started writing many poems and I thought you would appreciate their beauty as well as offer some motivation and insight. I don’t want to overwhelm you but I’m happy to send you my poems and encouragement if that is something you would be open too?</p>
<p class=”p1″> I care for you as a person. To me it’s so much more than just intimacy and attraction. I am not trying to be controlling or manipulative only bsupportive and friendly. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I would love to hear from you but I don’t want you too feel pressured</p>March 11, 2023 at 10:50 am #416096TeeParticipantHi Adam,
I believe she thinks I may be triggering her trauma at times but I have always actively adapted to every time this has occurred, giving her reassurance that I am not actually purposefully doing it.
Can you tell me (if it’s okay with you) what exactly triggered her to leave? What was is that you were doing, albeit not purposefully?
She isn’t fully in tune with her emotions and she is definitely overthinks and reads into every little detail
Could you give me an example of a situation where she was looking into every little detail and overthinking?
I am going to do my best to show her I can offer unconditional love even if it isn’t intimate. But I do want her at the end of the day.
It’s good that you’re clear with yourself: that you would like to have her in her life, even if only as a friend. Although you would like her as a partner, if she is willing.
The message you’re planning to send her is mostly good. I wouldn’t include this sentence: “I have the highest vision for your healing“. I know I suggested it to you (to have the highest vision for her healing), but it’s not something I’d send her.
Also this part: I have started writing many poems and I thought you would appreciate their beauty as well as offer some motivation and insight. I don’t want to overwhelm you but I’m happy to send you my poems and encouragement if that is something you would be open too?
I wouldn’t phrase it like this because it might sound a bit too much to assume that she would find your poems beautiful (unless you already sent her your poems in the past and she liked them?). Instead, I’d simply send her one poem, and then I guess if she likes it, she’ll say something and then you can send some more.
Otherwise it is a deep and heartfelt letter. I do hope she likes it.
March 11, 2023 at 12:20 pm #416097AdamParticipant<p style=”text-align: left;”>I mentioned to her I noticed that she rolls over and goes quiet when she is in a sad state, I also told her I realise that sometimes she death stares me with a blank face when she is upset/angry. This stare almost seems like a switch to me. when I mentioned this i think it started the events later in the night. She started saying she had a feeling that I was cheating on her even though I wasn’t. She said she knew I wasn’t but it was a feeling and she didn’t know why her head was telling her that. She then did as I explained and rolled over and bottled everything up. After trying to get her to talk she said to me why should I tell you about my anxiety when I don’t tell her mine (I mentioned I was anxious for the first time in a while however I didn’t know the exact cause).
There were comments I made sometimes and actions I did that she felt like I wasn’t showing her enough love. For example not sitting next to her one time, telling her I shouldn’t trust her directions when we go travelling as she makes many wrong turns. Nothing that seemed major to me. She felt like I was bringing her down not up at times and I always reassured her after she told her this isn’t true and I do make stupid comments at times but it isn’t me trying to hold her down.</p>
She had sexual trauma and would occasionally get pseudo seizures. By looking into the details I think there was times she believed I may have triggered her trauma and seizures and it was her body telling her we weren’t right together. As I said I was always actively changing ways to avoid triggering this. I would apologize to her every time and ask what I can do.Okay I will change my wording within the letter. Honestly my poem I wrote is pretty full on as it is about her. It is just about her needing too spread her own wings and fly but I am here on a rainy day if she needs a guide basically.
I appreciate your words Tee you are helping me through this a lot.
March 12, 2023 at 12:09 am #416099TeeParticipantHi Adam,
you’re very welcome, glad this is helping you.
From what you’ve described, it does seem she has past trauma, which makes her react too sensitively and even believe things that are not true about you (such as that you were cheating on her). Although she knows it’s not true, there is a voice in her head telling her it is. I think that’s all a part of the trauma and the way to protect herself from perceived danger. Danger that she believes is there, although it’s not any more.
You said she sometimes has pseudo seizures. I haven’t heard about it before, had to look it up, but I guess that too can be a part of PTSD, related to her sexual trauma. Has she been in therapy at all? (you said she refused when you tried to “push” her).
The things you did or the remarks you’ve made – which made her upset and offended – were minor things and not something a person with healthy self-esteem would get upset about. Telling her you shouldn’t trust her directions while traveling since she’s made many wrong turns in the past – well it was an honest observation.
Someone with healthy self-esteem would laugh at it, but she took it very badly because it hurt her – because of her emotional wounding. Those past hurts make her very sensitive and easily offended, and I guess you needed to apologize a lot (I always reassured her after she told her this isn’t true and I do make stupid comments at times but it isn’t me trying to hold her down). Things that were just regular remarks and perhaps some innocent teasing she took as your attempt to put her down and hurt her. I guess she took it as a proof you don’t love her, right?
She had sexual trauma and would occasionally get pseudo seizures. By looking into the details I think there was times she believed I may have triggered her trauma and seizures and it was her body telling her we weren’t right together. As I said I was always actively changing ways to avoid triggering this. I would apologize to her every time and ask what I can do.
I would imagine that sex would have triggered her trauma, but her conclusion was wrong: that those seizures meant you’re not the right person for her. As I said, I believe those seizures are a part of her PTSD and she would need to seek therapy for that.
You were very careful and tried not to trigger her, but the thing is when someone suffers from PTSD, they are hypersensitive and hypervigilant. Even the smallest thing can trigger them. So no matter how careful and understanding you are, there is always something you’ll say or do wrong. You cannot really “win” in this, unless she seeks treatment for trauma.
So I think the key question is: how open is she to therapy? Because you alone can’t help her. She would need to choose to help herself, and then you can serve as support on her journey, sending her encouragement and love. But you alone against her trauma won’t work, I am afraid. It’s not something you wanted to hear, I guess, but I am afraid it’s the reality of the situation…
March 12, 2023 at 1:32 am #416100AdamParticipantHey Tee
she has been in therapy years ago and she said she didn’t take anything from it and that it doesn’t help her. I didn’t know anything about pseudo seizures until I met her. It is triggered from a few different situations, but you’re right mainly during sex. Although it wasn’t common at first I did notice it more frequently as time went on. It was something I could always bring her back from and she always new she was safe during it and told me that I did the right thing every time.
I think you’re spot on about the remarks. She did take certain things the wrong way at first but again always realized I wasn’t trying to bring her down in the end. This was helped by me explaining to her my point of view and making it obvious as I could that I did actually love her.
You are probably right as the key thing would be therapy in order to have a higher self esteem and overcome her trauma. That’s all I wanted for her to start feeling better in her own skin. I did have a feeling therapy may be the only way and that’s why I suggested professional help on several occasions. Regardless I just want her to know I am here for support during her journey, however that may be.
I will be sending a card and poem soon so wish me luck. I have kept it from being too heartfelt as I don’t want to push her over the edge.
March 12, 2023 at 1:35 am #416101AdamParticipantOn top of of what I said about a trauma she is still on major anti depressant medication and has been for a few years. She is trying to taper off them slowly but was definitely finding it difficult and I was so hopeful she would get there giving lots of encouragement. I think she was disappointed in herself and not hopeful that she could actually get off the medication after being prescribed for a while.
thanks a lot Tee
March 12, 2023 at 9:56 am #416107TeeParticipantHi Adam,
she has been in therapy years ago and she said she didn’t take anything from it and that it doesn’t help her.
What kind of therapy was she in? Usually CBT doesn’t work with sexual trauma. I think it’s better to have some kind of somatic therapy, where trauma is processed through the body as well. So perhaps the type of therapy, or the fact that she was still a teen back then, rendered the therapy inefficient?
I think she should start therapy again, specially if she wants to wean off antidepressants. I have no experience with antidepressants, but the experts say that the best results are obtained when using antidepressants in conjunction with therapy. I imagine therapy could support her while trying to wean off medication. She tried to do it on her own, and I guess it’s not surprising she found it very hard and impossible. So perhaps you could encourage her to try a different kind of therapy, which would finally work for her (and maybe even help her get off medications)?
It was something I could always bring her back from and she always new she was safe during it and told me that I did the right thing every time.
That’s great that you could calm her down and be a safe person for her, during one of those episodes.
She did take certain things the wrong way at first but again always realized I wasn’t trying to bring her down in the end. This was helped by me explaining to her my point of view and making it obvious as I could that I did actually love her.
Alright, so she was open to listening to your explanation and you managed to convince her (at least temporarily) that you love her. But the problem is that it only works for a while, until the next “trigger”, and then it starts all over again. That’s why I think she was tired of going through another cycle of being triggered and then you trying to reassure her – when she knows it doesn’t really help on the long run.
You are probably right as the key thing would be therapy in order to have a higher self esteem and overcome her trauma. That’s all I wanted for her to start feeling better in her own skin. I did have a feeling therapy may be the only way and that’s why I suggested professional help on several occasions.
Yes, it was a good suggestion, and as I said, you may try suggesting that she gives it another chance.
Regardless I just want her to know I am here for support during her journey, however that may be.
I will be sending a card and poem soon so wish me luck. I have kept it from being too heartfelt as I don’t want to push her over the edge.
Good luck with the card and the poem! I hope she responds positively and appreciates your words of support. It’s good you don’t intend this letter as the beginning of another cycle with her, because I imagine she is tired and disappointed in herself and doesn’t have strength for another cycle. That’s why it’s great that you included this in your letter: “This isn’t me asking for the relationship back only offering my support and assistance if you want it. You can count on me even though we aren’t together.“
So, I wish you luck and hope that she will start caring of herself better. And that perhaps you can be a part of her healing journey….
March 12, 2023 at 2:50 pm #416199AdamParticipantYes she was doing cbt I believe. I will consider the somatic therapy suggestion, right now I think she needs to work through some stuff herself and me suggesting giving therapy another shot would best be done in person I believe. She was doing well with her tapering so I hope she is continuing to make an effort for her own good. I feel like she genuinely wants to better herself not just for me. I still don’t fully understand why she pushed me away and didn’t want my help, maybe because she loved me and didn’t want to bring me down that’s all I can think.
I think this is where I got my high expectations from, always getting her back to a good headspace. She said herself she was happy until she wasn’t with me. Lots of her words gave me high hopes for our future together and they still are.
I will post if I hear anything back either soon or in the future. I’m prepared for her to go cold and not respond but I think she will eventually reach back when she is comfortable and in a better spot. It wouldn’t make sense to me if she didn’t.
I hope it all goes well for both of our sakes, again thanks a lot Tee your words were very kind and straight to the point. Much appreciated.
March 13, 2023 at 1:26 am #416249TeeParticipantHi Adam,
Yes she was doing cbt I believe. I will consider the somatic therapy suggestion, right now I think she needs to work through some stuff herself and me suggesting giving therapy another shot would best be done in person I believe.
Yes you’re right, you can suggest it with time…
She was doing well with her tapering
Hm you said in your earlier post that she found the tapering difficult: She is trying to taper off them slowly but was definitely finding it difficult. … I think she was disappointed in herself and not hopeful that she could actually get off the medication after being prescribed for a while.
So I guess she wasn’t that successful with tapering on her own? What actually occurred to me (and it may be a total nonsense since I am no expert), but could it be that since she was taking a smaller dose, her trauma response got stronger when she would get triggered? And also she couldn’t return so easily to that calmer state, where she was open to listening to your explanations and reassurance, and where you managed to convince her you do love her?
So perhaps the reduced medication lead her to be more agitated and less responsive to your reassurance? And that could be the reason why this time she wanted space?
So perhaps this could be the answer to your question: I still don’t fully understand why she pushed me away and didn’t want my help
As I said, I am no expert and don’t know how those medications work, but I am just thinking out loud.
I will post if I hear anything back either soon or in the future. I’m prepared for her to go cold and not respond but I think she will eventually reach back when she is comfortable and in a better spot. It wouldn’t make sense to me if she didn’t.
Yes, please let me know how and if she responded. It’s good you’re prepared for not getting an immediate response, for her really needing space at the moment.
And as we’ve talked before, try not to focus only on her, but on yourself too. I understand you love her and want the best for her, but you can’t “save” her against her will. So take good care of yourself and find something you enjoy.
And you’re very welcome, Adam. Wishing you all the best!
March 13, 2023 at 5:07 am #416253AdamParticipantHey Tee
maybe that was the reason she felt like she needed space. I’m absolutely devastated, I feel like I’ve been betrayed and lied too.
I downloaded a dating app to try move on and help with my own process. I know she isn’t obliged to me but I saw her on there unfortunately. I may not be able to talk since I am on it myself but I feel like my situation is different considering I didn’t break things up. She said lots of things that seemed like lies to me now. Makes no sense as to why she would break a relationship than join a dating app within a week or two. It’s put a lot into perspective for me as this just seems like toxic, selfish behavior as well as being immature about relationships.
im obviously cut up about this news but maybe she will still reply to my letter. There is obviously some severe issues with her which as you said I cannot change or save her. Only she can. I feel harsh saying it but I genuinely think I deserved better after all the effort and support I’ve put in.
If I don’t hear back from her then I know she isn’t worth it. If I do it’ll have to be up to her to chase me because right now as you said I need to work on myself. I’m investing too much into someone who either has a serious mental condition, lots of confusion, a problem with honesty and lying, or they are just young immature and toxic about relationships.
Am I jumping to conclusions here or am I valid with a lot of what I’ve said?
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