Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→I want to be normal
- This topic has 265 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 3 weeks ago by Anonymous.
January 5, 2022 at 8:24 am #390776
I had a profile on here. Some of the wonderful people on here tried to support me but I left, couldn’t handle it and deleted the profile. Can’t remember the name I gave myself. But I am back again, I will keep writing here.
I do have a lot of trauma in my childhood. It still lives and breathes in how I behave, how I perceive situations, how I function at work, how people walk all over me.
I don’t think I have anyone. I have my parents, sister, grandmother. But they don’t have me. I need someone to hold me and say it’s ok and reset my brain so I become normal. Every situation is hard, I feel so out of place.
I am just tired. I don’t think I will survive my job. Anything could happen. I don’t have security of any kind, and no one to depend on. Years go by and it’s just me trying to survive. I am at the mercy of other people to define how my day will be, how my life will be. Never feeling enough, competent, happy, respected or loved.
I’ve had enough. My life is unbearable. I am in a lot of pain. I want this to stop. I can’t take it anymore.January 5, 2022 at 11:30 am #390797AnonymousGuest
If you deleted your account, but did not delete your previous thread or threads, you can go back and locate your thread/s by going back to previous pages all the way to the approximate month and date when you last posted there, and reactivate your account, post there and the old thread/s will appear on the first page.
“I do have a lot of trauma in my childhood. It still lives and breathes in how I behave, how I perceive situations, how I function at work, how people walk all over me… I need someone to hold me and say it’s ok and reset my brain, so I become normal. Every situation is hard… My life is unbearable. I am in a lot of pain. I want this to stop. I can’t take it anymore” –
– I bet you thought many times before that you couldn’t take it anymore, and yet you could. I thought that way myself, and… it so happens that I was able to take more. I didn’t want to take more pain and distress, and I figure that you don’t want more of this either.
If you can’t bring your previous thread/s back, please share more about your trauma, about any therapy you may have had, what worked, what didn’t work, as well as any other information that may be relevant.
anitaJanuary 5, 2022 at 7:44 pm #390804
It’s so good to talk to you again. You probably won’t remember me but I gave you my name back then so I will use it. This is Girija. I hope you are doing well. The threads are still there, I found them. I show up as Anonymous, inactive. I used the same email to create both the accounts, I don’t see an option to reactivate my old account. Would you know where to get that option? Or maybe I could reply on that with the new account?
I am ashamed of that thread for how it ended. I disappeared without saying anything, but you were so helpful there and I am grateful for that. My conclusion that my problems are beyond the external came from my interactions with you and my own introspections after I left tinybuddha. I couldn’t handle exploring my problems then and simply quit. I am very sorry for doing that. I couldn’t handle it. I left without saying bye or a thanks, I’m very sorry about that. I read that thread now and see how resistant I was to look at the source of my problems. I feel terrible about it.
You are right I don’t want to take the pain anymore. Honestly, I am not sure if I can either, I am worried I’ll get a heart attack or stroke.
I’ll bring back the thread with the new account, if you are ok with that, it’s called “Advice for the lost and weary”. When I do, I am worried you will see who I am and not reply and I can understand that. I am sorry again. I will reply on it with this account. I will own up to my mistake. And I know, I can’t expect you to forgive me, so I won’t but please know I am sorry. Thank you for helping a stranger. You were there on the thread to talk to even through my mother’s surgery. Thank you!
I’ve been to counselling but it did not work out. I needed a space where I did not want somebody saying everyone has good and bad. I already know that and acknowledge it but knowing someone is also good does not help with this pain, it makes me feel guilty or wrong for feeling this way.
GirijaJanuary 5, 2022 at 8:38 pm #390806AnonymousGuest
I am too tired tonight to reply further, but I assure you that I will reply further Thursday morning, which is in about 11 hours from now. I am definitely okay with you bringing back your old thread, so please do! (I do remember the screen name Girija, and I remember the title “Advice to the lost and weary”). I am looking forward to re-read your thread.
Don’t worry about disappearing from that thread. I am glad you are back!
anitaJanuary 6, 2022 at 9:54 am #390816AnonymousGuest
I am glad to read that your mother is still alive, and I hope she is cancer free, is she?
First, I will summarize what you shared in your previous 14-page thread, “Advice for the lost and weary”, March 3, 2019- May 17, 2019, placing your words in boldface. I will use the present tense where I assume things are still the same, or about the same:
At 23, now 26, or close to 26, you live with your mother, father, sister, grandmother and her caretaker. Because of really horrible fights caused by your grandmother, and because of your father’s bipolar disorder, your father has his own bedroom, your grandmother has her own bedroom, and you share a bedroom with your sister and mother.
While the customary Indian arranged marriage took place between your parents, your father’s family hid his bipolar disorder from your mother. She found out about it after you were born, and it upset her greatly. You know your mother to be incredibly unhappy and sad… detached…My mom has complained that her parents never truly cared about her. And I think it is a pattern… No one cares about emotional needs…My mom was never ‘supportive’. She never took our side… My mother always took care of us, besides emotional stuff… I feel like I have been raised more like a farm animal than a human… They did actually send me to school, and I have a job because of that – but who have I become?“.
I once asked her how she felt when she held me for the first time, she said she does not remember much… I am thinking love may be fiction or a myth. Is it really possible, that my mother did not feel anything when I was born? If she did not feel love, then – my own mother – what is the point? I am not sure what our relationship really is.
It has left me feeling very lonely at times when I just wanted someone to be by my side when I was down…I think it is just disappointing – to only have yourself.
How could they do things with no emotions and yet put their whole lives into it, you wrote about your parents.
I was always upset with my mom for how she would always stay a victim or vent the frustration out at us, so I used to throw tantrums and fight with her.
You work full time, your mother wakes you up every day, you leave to work around 7:30am and return home by 5pm. You then eat and hit the bed straight away, spending your time on your phone. Once in a while your mother checks on you, go bath, eat now, etc.
You have never been in a relationship, and you have little to no faith in relationships: I also have seen really turbulent marriages in my family – from domestic abuse to simple indifference and disrespect. All of them arranged. And yet, I have always yearned for a boyfriend who would love me and make me feel like I am enough and that all my flaws would not matter… Reality so far has been that I get rejected for my looks. I have no hope of going on dates and finding love.
I became an engineering graduate and joined a big company as a web developer with the highest package out of all the offers in my college. Yet I… really struggled a lot, and… I do not know what to do next… I did not get into the best of colleges because I did not believe I could make it and hence did not prepare well. My whole life has been a loop of believing I won’t make it, not putting effort and as a result not making it…I can never take action. Some of the thoughts are –1. It won’t work out 2. I will give up anyways 3. It will not change anything… I don’t know how a person should be when they are “driven” … I am not able to do anything despite knowing that they ought to be done.
When I was really down, even when she did listen and this was the hardest thing ever – she would say: “I already have enough to deal with your father, I can’t put up with you too if you get depressed… When I think back to it, I still get that dreadful feeling in my stomach – with this dread I asked her – “what will we do if dad loses his job” and she said…– “we will just have to kill ourselves“.
My mother has taught me – to not try to change your situation as you may lose what you already have. She was afraid of losing financial support so she never left my father and also afraid of losing reputation – I am the same, I was afraid all this time that it if I leave the team, I may lose what little good I get out of it, and things may be worse outside… I lose hope very quickly…I zone out and go into all the things that could go wrong. I was just thinking about how to move. I opened LinkedIn and found I could apply to jobs in Singapore – that is not the west – but it is still exciting to think I could go there – however I immediately went into how the visa could get rejected…I feel I should not fail so I go over everything that could go wrong.
Being paralyzed by fear and being overwhelmed by stress has been a pattern for a really long time… That is why I am afraid of failure – I could lose what I have… The only exciting thing in my life has been to daydream…. My constant fear is that I am a raging, emotional and unstable person and that I may ruin my life by trying to change things up or choosing a path different from everyone else. I have lot of anxiety about how things could get worse.
I am really starting to see that it is like a factory, and we are all machines… no one at work again cares about what another person is feeling… The way they go about things is – like this machine is not meeting all our standards…It (at the hospital) made me feel like I was interacting with robots. Is this reality? We don’t care and are just here to get by?” … The whole world feels like a washing machine. I need it to stop. I can’t keep up with this. I can’t allow myself to be dragged around like this, feeling powerless, forced to do things I don’t want to do with no way out.
I am a bit concerned that motivation does not work for me… I actually think that part of me died when I was younger – the part that could go after things. I am more a plant than a bird, I am afraid.
Last words on the old thread, May 17, 2019: You believe me leaving my house will change my life, even your earlier post suggested that I was projecting my problems at home onto the world. That is not true. People are difficult for me. I am not able to adjust to the world.
Fast forward two years, seven months and 19 days, you wrote in your first post since the above words: I don’t think I have anyone. I have my parents, sister, grandmother. But they don’t have me. I need someone to hold me and say it’s ok and reset my brain, so I become normal. Every situation is hard, I feel so out of place. I am just tired. I don’t think I will survive my job. Anything could happen. I don’t have security of any kind, and no one to depend on. Years go by and it’s just me trying to survive. I am at the mercy of other people to define how my day will be, how my life will be. Never feeling enough, competent, happy, respected or loved. I’ve had enough. My life is unbearable. I am in a lot of pain. I want this to stop. I can’t take it anymore.
My words today, Jan 6, 2022: you understand more than many others understand, others who live in your home, at work, and in the bigger traditional, conservative society of South India. What you understand prevents you from feeling anywhere near content in your home, at work, and in the world in which you live.
You have your parents, your sister and your grandmother, but they don’t have you, in other words, they don’t get you. They don’t understand enough to get you. Your loneliness is about not having a meeting-of-the-minds with anyone, not having a mutual understanding with anyone, and therefore, no social support for you.
Your mother really doesn’t know any better. She did not intentionally try to hurt you. She didn’t know how to love and be loved in return, didn’t have that opportunity when she was a child, nor when she got married. And so, when you were born and she held you for the first time, she didn’t get it: she didn’t get that she was holding a magical tiny, inquiring, seeking baby, a baby seeking her love.
Although physically, there were people around you all along, you’ve been experiencing a cognitive and emotional social isolation aka loneliness for many years, because (1) You were treated like a machine/ a robot/ an animal farm (your words), given little to no emotional support, (2) you witnessed aggression at home, a very fearful mother, and rejection at school.
There are studies made on the biological/ chemical effects of social isolation in highly social animals, and they show that social isolation changes the chemistry of the brain and body, causing anxiety, depression, social dysfunction and decreased immunity. No wonder you’ve been suffering from anxiety, depression, lack of motivation, pessimism, sometimes anger, etc.
You are a highly social animal living a life of cognitive-and-emotional social isolation. These are some of your words that indicate your social isolation: “No one cares about emotional needs…My mom was never ‘supportive’… It has left me feeling very lonely at times when I just wanted someone to be by my side when I was down… to only have yourself… I get rejected… no one at work again cares about what another person is feeling… I don’t think I have anyone… I need someone to hold me”.
“They did actually send me to school, and I have a job because of that – but who have I become?” – a socially isolated person, cognitively and emotionally, leading to increased anxiety, depression, pessimism, lack of motivation and the learned helplessness that we discussed before (believing that there is nothing you can do to make a difference).
“I am a bit concerned that motivation does not work for me… I actually think that part of me died when I was younger – the part that could go after things. I am more a plant than a bird, I am afraid” – motivational tapes will not motivate you, real people (able and willing to give you the cognitive and emotional social support that you need), will motivate you!
Think of another highly social animal: a dog. Did you notice how a dog wags its tail when it sees another friendly dog, or a friendly person approaching? The joy in the wagging of the tail is the dog’s motivation, produced by the anticipation of a friendly interaction with another. This joy, a product of the anticipation of a social supportive interaction, will turn you from plant to bird!
“I need someone to hold me and say it’s ok and reset my brain, so I become normal” – ongoing and real- life social support (social interactions that are cognitively and emotionally supportive) will literally change your brain chemistry to normal, as scientific studies suggest.
January 6, 2022 at 8:46 pm #390834
- This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by .
Yes, my mother is c- free! I don’t want to jinx it. She has check ups every 6 months. The next is coming up. I am very nervous. I will keep praying for everything to be fine.
Thank you for taking the time to read the other thread again. I will be 27 this year. My grandmother is staying with my aunt, she went a couple of weeks back. She will stay there for a couple of months. There was no helper since the pandemic started.
You are right, my childhood has affected my brain. But I am afraid I won’t find people for the healthy supportive social interactions. You are right, my “tail” wags often but I quickly realize the other person does not care. I don’t think I will meet a dog with it’s tail wagging. I am not saying I’m special but people don’t function like me. It’s mostly just superficial fun or give-and-take. I find myself more drained after social interactions. With even some wonderful people I met at work who I still keep in touch with and we go for walks often. All my new interactions and experiences are built on top of my underlying (I don’t know how to describe it) “self”. I hate that self now. I’ve had enough of always being anxious and scared and unfulfilled. I want to wipe it out and start fresh. I feel exhausted.
I am not fishing for sympathy but I am ugly by societal standards and I won’t easily find love. Most people are not looking to love or find love. They have other standards I won’t meet. In this reality, where I will not find love and most relationships are superficial, I’m afraid I can’t rely on others for healing. But at the same time, I don’t know how to heal which is why I am asking for a miracle that someone comes along and wipes everything out and loves me.
Coming back to this thread, I am feeling really slow and dysfunctional. I am never able to reach the “finish line” and I know I’ve clearly answered that question for myself in my previous replies for why it happened. But I want to know how to fix this. How to be normal. Every new thing I do sucks because of how abnormal my brain is. I want to change that.
January 7, 2022 at 8:43 am #390836PeggyParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by samy.
What you seem to be looking for is a way to heal your inner self. I would like to make a suggestion. Imagine yourself as a new born baby or look at a photo of yourself and send love to that image. Send love to yourself to any time or any stage in your life when you felt this was lacking. You have yourself. Give yourself the emotional support that you feel your childhood and subsequent adulthood lacked. Make time for this most important task. You may need to do it several times a day whenever a ‘bad’ memory surfaces or perhaps for an hour before you go to sleep. Slowly but surely this will have a deep impact on you.
Secondly, take some time to focus on your characteristics and positive aspects of yourself. There is no such thing as ‘normal’. We all have our own quirks. Love yourself quirks and all. Train your brain. Use affirmations. Seek out positive messages and display them on a pinboard where you can see them every day. Your mind and body are interlinked. Healthy mind = healthy body.
Fear is prevalent in our society. Courageous people feel fear, they just don’t succumb to it. They go out and do what they want to do in spite of it. The choice is yours.
Love does not rely on people fitting the stereotype of what is ‘beautiful’. People find love regardless of their looks. Radiating love from within is beautiful. Try it and see. Spend five minutes a day literally breathing love in. Every time you take an in-breath say the word ‘love’ silently or outloud. This will circulate throughout your body and will change everything.
Be the miracle.
‘January 7, 2022 at 9:26 am #390837
Thank you for the advice. I will try affirmations and feeling love. It is hard for me to give myself support but I will try. I am keen on retraining my brain.
I don’t want to call myself courageous but maybe I am courageous 10 percent of the time and it is so exhausting. I wish I could get rid of fear itself, I know it is unrealistic but wish it could happen.
What you say about people finding love regardless of looks or that I will find love, is hard for me to believe right now. I hope it happens someday though.January 7, 2022 at 10:56 am #390841AnonymousGuest
Dear Girija (samy):
Good to read that your mother is c-free, and I hope that she remains healthy. Anxiety weakens the immune system, so I hope that she keeps herself as calm as possible.
You are now 26 going on 27, no caretaker living in the house, and your grandmother is staying with your aunt for a couple of months. You are still sharing a bedroom with your mother and sister (?) and your father stays in his own bedroom. Not having your aunt there, I imagine, is a good thing.
“You are right, my childhood has affected my brain. But I am afraid I won’t find people for the healthy supportive social interactions. You are right, my ‘tail’ wags often”– I didn’t know that your figurative tail often wags outside of the context of daydreaming. In what circumstances does your tail wag? How does your excitement looks/ sounds like?
“But I quickly realize the other person does not care. I don’t think I will meet a dog with its tail wagging” – I can imagine lots of people figuratively wagging their tails because of being around you. I bet that you imagined it many times, while daydreaming, imagining that this or that person, a boyfriend perhaps, was as happy to see you as you are happy to see him. Did you?
Can you describe to me a situation/ circumstance in which you were excitedly anticipating a real-life interaction with another person: how did your excitement show, and what was the other person’s behavior during the anticipated interaction?
“All my new interactions and experiences are built on top of my underlying (I don’t know how to describe it) ‘self’. I hate that self” – Imagine that you are assigned with writing an academic essay, a one-page (or shorter) essay, describing this “self” that you are referring to. You are welcome to post such an essay here.
“I am ugly by societal standards” – Can you share specific details about some of the features of your looks that you consider “ugly by societal standards”?
“I want to know how to fix this. How to be normal. Every new thing I do sucks because of how abnormal my brain is. I want to change that” – I asked the above questions and made a suggestion in italics because I want to be able to offer you something practical in regard to how you can experience the human connection/social support that is vital to you feeling normal.
anitaJanuary 7, 2022 at 12:13 pm #390842
She seems calm to me.
The bedrooms system is the same. Not having my aunt here is great. She never felt like family, was always selfish and treated us as less than.
didn’t know that your figurative tail often wags outside of the context of daydreaming. In what circumstances does your tail wag? How does your excitement looks/ sounds like? – I seem to be desperate for connection. I open up to people when I first meet them, easily joking, having fun conversations and readily discussing problems. This is what I mean by tail wagging. Although I seem to trust some people and not others whem I first meet them. It will take more observation to figure out why that might be. My excitement to me used to feel genuine and open. Now, I feel it is chaotic. Just desperate and needy.
I can imagine lots of people figuratively wagging their tails because of being around you. I bet that you imagined it many times, while daydreaming, imagining that this or that person, a boyfriend perhaps, was as happy to see you as you are happy to see him. Did you? – My daydreams are complicated. I am never able to imagine the long term of the relationship. It seems off. But in the beginning, I would feel loved but it would not help me see what that relationship grows to be. Like what is happily ever after for a married couple. I just know how I wanted to be talked to or treated but not how the long term would be. And it makes me sad. And who I am in those daydreams often changes. And it is strange but I’ve realized I mimic other people, even in real life. Someone else’s confidence – how they behave that I think is confident. Someone else’s kindness and so on. I do know I am a kind person. But if another person’s behaviour seems more expressive, I mimic that. And I think my daydreams are confusing because of that. I don’t know that I am that person.
Can you describe to me a situation/ circumstance in which you were excitedly anticipating a real-life interaction with another person: how did your excitement show, and what was the other person’s behavior during the anticipated interaction? – My colleagues. We would joke together, discuss our lives. I used to feel the excitement, which I wonder now might have been needy, wanting to joke and laugh. But they would be rude, out of nowhere. It feels like a punch to the stomach. I still go through this with them. Even when I see evidence that this is not where the connection is at, I still go through that cycle.
Imagine that you are assigned with writing an academic essay, a one-page (or shorter) essay, describing this “self” that you are referring to. You are welcome to post such an essay here. – ( I am going to use “she”). She seems disturbed to me. Always ready to go into a frenzy. Not sure she has ever felt true peace. She believes that bad things will happen to her, so she is always looking out for it. She is also super scared so she is constantly seeking out to be protected. No amount of life experience seems to build her strength. She just gets through one thing at a time and it does not contribute to long lasting good qualities. She is very weak. Every negative possibility bothers her. She has to ruminate over it, worry about how to deal with it, know she is not cut out to deal with it, desperate for it to not happen. She does this with everything. She morphs into what she believes will keep her safe but it just comes off as desperate and she is always left alone. She knows she will not have anyone but still tries. Everybody is above her. She has never been in a situation where she felt right, in the few situations that she started feeling good, other people have torn her down, whether it was their intention or not. Everybody’s tone matters, expressions matter, opinions matter. She has never gone a day where she had to face something and she knew what she was doing. She doesn’t trust anyone including herself. So she is putting herself in situations she doesn’t want to be in. I don’t think she wants to be in any of this. She wants peace but won’t find it. So she is letting life whiz past her. Never feeling like she has finally arrived.
Can you share specific details about some of the features of your looks that you consider “ugly by societal standards”? – I have a giant forehead, nose, lazy eye, thinning hair, crooked teeth and I am fat.January 7, 2022 at 12:43 pm #390844AnonymousGuest
I read just a bit of your recent post and will need to take a break before I attentively read and reply further. I see in your last paragraph that you have thinning hair: is that because of lack of healthy nutrition, or is it because of stress? And regarding being overweight: can you tell me, and you are welcome to not answer this question: how tall are you and how much you weigh (I want to calculate your BMI)?
anitaJanuary 7, 2022 at 2:52 pm #390859AnonymousGuest
“All my new interactions and experiences are built on top of my underlying… ‘self’. I hate that self… She (Self) seems disturbed to me. Always ready to go into a frenzy. Not sure she has ever felt true peace… She morphs into what she believes will keep her safe… She has never been in a situation where she felt right… Everybody’s tone matters, expressions matter, opinions matter…. She doesn’t trust anyone including herself… She wants peace but won’t find it. So, she is letting life whiz past her. Never feeling like she has finally arrived” –
– I wrote to you before, in your previous thread: you are very intelligent, I like how you use words. What you described is how I felt for decades, it was a very disturbing experience of life. It was living as if, out of the three main states of matter (solid, liquid, gas), I was gas, the most unsettled: molecules moving in all directions, hitting walls, getting hurt. When an intense source of heat came to be (which was too often), like a disturbing thought, seeing someone looking at me in a judging kind of way- the molecules moved even faster, in a great frenzy, hitting the walls even harder.
There were moments, when daydreaming while listening to lovely music, or when sort-of melting under the sun at the beach, to the sounds of ocean waves- the molecules finally slowed down and it felt wonderful, oh how I wished I always felt that way.
Being like unstable gas, quick to overreact to disturbing thoughts and worries- I didn’t trust myself to remain the same… there was no one identity for me, an identity I could trust and relax into. Like you, I morphed to this and that, and I often felt crazy, weird and confused. Similar to you, life moved past me, while I was left behind, lonely and bitter.
Fast forward, I am now like liquid, and sometimes like solid. How nice it is to feel like solid: I can see the problems in the world, I worry, but my molecules are contained: my identity is solid enough, no longer quick to go into a frenzy. People have less power over me because their expressions, words, etc., no longer send me into a frenzy.
I will write to reply to you further Sat morning, in about 16 hours from now (whether you reply to this post before I am back or not). It is 4:21 am now, in India, according to bing. com. I hope you are sleeping well, and please feel free to post again anytime!
January 7, 2022 at 9:02 pm #390863
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by .
I see in your last paragraph that you have thinning hair: is that because of lack of healthy nutrition, or is it because of stress? And regarding being overweight: can you tell me, and you are welcome to not answer this question: how tall are you and how much you weigh (I want to calculate your BMI)? – Thinning hair might be a combination of both. I calculated my BMI, it’s 26.6
you are very intelligent, I like how you use words.- Thank you. It is nice to hear that. People aren’t very receptive to the way I speak. So that feels good.
I wonder if being in this gas state is also part genetics. Maybe my composition is more volatile, so I transformed into a gas earlier. If my cooling temperature is too low, it would take more effort to turn to liquid or gas. Do you think the external temperature needs to change or that I can change my composition itself? You later paragraphs seem to suggest that you managed to change yourself to be less affected by the temperature, but I want to make sure I understood that correctly.
I hope you are sleeping well – Once I fall asleep, the quality of sleep is good, but it takes a while. My mind and body feel restless and active for a long time in bed.
I hope everything is well with you. I notice all my threads are me and my problems. Should you need support, I am here for you. I recall from previous conversations you mentioned you were older than me but I still think I can be there for you and be a good listener. I am good at helping other people with their problems.January 8, 2022 at 8:32 am #390873AnonymousGuest
“Do you think the external temperature needs to change or that I can change my composition itself?” – if I understand your question correctly, then my answer regarding the figurative (and literal) external temperature is that whatever you can change for your benefit, change it, examples: changing your role within your current workplace, changing jobs altogether; moving to your own room, and/ or moving out of the house altogether.
My answer regarding the figurative internal temperature: lower it and regulate it better, that is, when it goes too high, bring it down; when it goes too low, bring it up, so that overall, your internal temperature is as stable as can be. With a stable inner temperature, that is, with your emotions regulated (you can research the term emotion regulation), your nature/ composition will gradually reveal itself to you.
“I seem to be desperate for connection… My excitement to me used to feel genuine and open. Now, I feel it is chaotic. Just desperate and needy” – think of your desperation, neediness, and your experience of chaos as internal heat, and lower that heat. Lower the desperation and the neediness and slow down the chaos. Doing so will make you feel more and more genuine: you will behave in ways that will feel true to you, instead of experiencing your behaviors as foreign and out of your control.
“My daydreams are complicated… I mimic other people, even in real life. Someone else’s confidence… Someone else’s kindness and so on… And I think my daydreams are confusing because of that. I don’t know that I am that person” – regulating your emotions will increase your trust and confidence in yourself, so that you will no longer mimic other people, not in your daydreams and not in real-life.
“My colleagues. We would joke together… But they would be rude, out of nowhere… She (your Self) has never been in a situation where she felt right, in the few situations that she started feeling good, other people have torn her down, whether it was their intention or not… she is putting herself in situations she doesn’t want to be in” – regulating your emotions will benefit you in these two ways as well: (1) you will become more aware of how you come across to people: what it is that you say and do that may offend others, or make them feel uncomfortable, (2) you will become more aware of what other people are communicating to you, and you will therefore be able to respond to them in ways that fit the real-life situations you are in.
These two things will lead to you making sensible, reasonable choices regarding situations you choose to be in, instead of finding yourself in situations, not knowing how you got there.
“She believes that bad things will happen to her, so she is always looking out for it…. She just gets through one thing at a time, and it does not contribute to long lasting good qualities…. She has never gone a day where she had to face something, and she knew what she was doing” – She (that is, you) are too anxious, the internal temperature is too high and needs to be brought down. When brought down, that is, when you are emotionally regulated, you will be able to become more and more genuine, more and more true to yourself and therefore, you will be able to build on and develop lasting good qualities. You will no longer start every day as if yesterday did not happen/ as if you learned nothing the day before. Instead, you will learn every day, remember what you learned the next day, and build on that learning. You will know what you are doing.
“She is very weak… Everybody is above her…. Everybody’s tone matters, expressions matter, opinions matter” – emotionally regulated, you will get stronger and stronger. You will see no one as above you, and their tone, expressions and opinions will not matter so much.
“I have a giant forehead, nose, lazy eye, thinning hair, crooked teeth and I am fat… I calculated my BMI, it’s 26.6” – obesity is a BMI of 30 or more, so you are overweight, not obese. As you know, losing weight is a possibility, so is improving your nutrition for healthier hair, and getting braces is also an option. An improved body posture, a fitting hair style, make up and clothing can do wonders for a woman’s looks
“Should you need support, I am here for you… I can be there for you and be a good listener. I am good at helping other people with their problems” – yes, I noticed in your replies to other members, including your most recent, that you are very intelligent, attentive and capable of helping others. Thank you for your offer and I will keep it in mind, and you are welcome to continue to reply to other members. Also, I wish that you continue to communicate with me, communicating with you is helping me!
anitaJanuary 8, 2022 at 8:57 am #390874
You are right, I do need to regulate my emotions. If I get to a calm state, my life experience will definitely improve. And this will need both making some life changes and working on myself. My only problem is I don’t think I realize my emotional state when I am in the moment. I will work on this.
(Typing this after I finished the post, this paragraph is chaotic, you may ignore it, I am leaving it in to come back to it some time) I do realize I can work on my appearance. There is some resistance there. I just thought about it so this may not be the real reason but I wonder if it is fear of what will happen after I fix what I can. Maybe I think it won’t be enough. I am afraid I will be devastated if I put energy into getting better in the hope of finding love only for it to not work. This is hard. What if I become enough and what I get is bad for me. I don’t want to think about this. It is confusing. I am not sure what is wrong here. Why I simply can’t figure out why I won’t do something about this. I am leaving this paragraph here, maybe I can come back to it.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by samy.