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  • #387478
    Andi
    Participant

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    Hi all.

     

     

    I have quite a bit of a story so maybe you can help me out as I am not sure anymore what to think.

     

     

    I  have had a “best friend” Lisa since I was about 10 (I am now 35). We grew up together, went to the same schools, did everything together basically! Very close you could say. She was always my first port of call for everything and I for her, we supported each other greatly over the years, although when I look back on it now, it seems that it was mostly me doing much of the work, but she wasn’t totally leaving it up to me either. Maybe I just had more time on my hands, who knows. She is slightly narcissistic and also had been recently diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder around 4 years ago or so. This ties into my story, if you read further:

    Obviously things change as  you get older but I don’t know if this fits into the category of ‘life’s changes’. Bear with me as this is a little complex.

     

    I was seeing a lad for a while, it was mostly sex, and I eventually (long story short here) became a victim of revenge porn by him and his friends. They were harassing me constantly online and I remember feeling the worst anxiety and depression I had ever felt during this period, as well as trauma. I have been through therapy because of this and am ok with this issue now. What I mean is, I now know how better to manage the symptoms of trauma.

     

    My best friend at the time refused to talk to me about any of this when it was happening and told me she “didn’t have the tools necessary” to help me out. She told me she thinks that I made the whole revenge porn scenario up and that nobody was harassing me online and that I was delusional. This baffled me at the time, and hurt immensely. Why would I make this up? I also had proof which she refused to look at and just kept calling me delusional. To me at the time, despite feeling overwhelmingly hurt, put it down to her new anxiety disorder diagnosis. She told me also that she was “setting boundaries” with me and didn’t want to talk to me about the issue anymore.

     

    She then got engaged and asked me to be her bridesmaid, I agreed, she then demanded the entire wedding party fly to the south of France in the space of 4 months for her wedding for an entire week. At the time, I just couldn’t get the time off (new healthcare role, quite important that I stayed that week in particular) so offered that I come for the weekend only. She told me this was unacceptable, starting calling me delusional and a liar telling her I would be her bridesmaid, then withdrew the offer. She hung up the phone screaming at me telling me that I should be prioritising her as her best friend of 20 years. I remained totally silent.

     

    We smoothed things out to some degree and I did end up going to her wedding for a weekend as a guest. She ignored me while she was sober and kept mentioning another friend as her best friend in all the speeches, ok. Later on that evening she got really drunk and came over to me to tell me she loved me etc. However, after her wedding, I still decided to step back a little to see what would happen, as I often feel like I am the one putting in all the work. Needless to say, I only heard from her again on my birthdays over the last 2 years. She never called, never texted, never invited me to her subsequent parties, and I did and said nothing.  This all happened about 2 years ago.

     

    I began to stop making the effort really and muted her online. I did deal with what my ex did to me in therapy, but maybe I should have dealt with this too. She has been on my mind again because I logged into facebook and saw that she had been liking photos of us at 3am. Then she randomly blocked me.

     

    I guess I’m asking for advice here. I know I stopped making an effort and she didn’t make one back either. I was going through a traumatic experience, was I wrong to try to talk to my friend about it? Why was this her reaction? Was she ever my friend at all? Why can’t I get her off my brain?

     

     

    Any advice welcome

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    #387489
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andi:

    Reads to me after a quick read of your original post, that anxiety alone, or in particular, her Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) diagnosis cannot explain her behavior in regard to her wedding. Let’s say that your revenge porn traumatic experience triggered her anxiety and she couldn’t handle it, but her behavior around her wedding is erratic .. could it be that she takes psychoactive drugs that are responsible to her erratic behavior?

    (I will be back to the computer in 6- 18 hours from now).

    anita

    #387490
    Andi
    Participant

    That is a good point but I’m not too sure!

     

    It was so strange, she actually didn’t believe me about working clinical hours too until another friend confirmed that it was true several days after. She just hung up on me screaming that my therapist is wrong and that I am delusional. That made me really angry and exasperated, why would I lie about any of this? Why don’t you believe anything I’m saying to you! In many ways it felt like she demanded all of these things from me last minute just to make it impossible for  me to go. That’s what my partner feels anyway!

     

     

    I dont know really, a bad case of bridezilla?!

    How could I spend 20 years of my life with somebody who just behaved this way. I am so confused!

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Andi.
    #387500
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andi;

    The strange thing is that after she accused you of being delusional and a liar, (1) she asked you to be her bridesmaid, and (2) you accepted and flew to the South of France to be her bridesmaid.

    Why would she ask a person she claimed to be delusional and a liar to be her bridesmaid, and more importantly.. why would you accept her request and fly all the way to the South of France to be a bridesmaid of a woman who accused you of being delusional and a liar?

    anita

    #387509
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Andi,

    I dont know really, a bad case of bridezilla?!

    It’s more than bridezilla, since she refused to listen to you and accused you of lying even earlier, in the case of revenge porn. That’s pretty severe. It appears you had a toxic relationship with her for quite a while, where you allowed yourself to be abused and put down by her. She needed to be the center of attention, and things needed to be her way – or else she turned really mean.

    How could I spend 20 years of my life with somebody who just behaved this way. I am so confused!

    Perhaps a part of you believed you deserved to be treated like that? It usually happens because we lack self-esteem, and this goes back to how we were treated in our family of origin…

     

    #387510
    Andi
    Participant

    Well, because she wanted the wedding party to go for an entire week and I told her I couldn’t, i agreed to go as a guest just for the weekend because she went crazy talking about now marriage is a “rite of passage” and I was letting her down. I didn’t end up being her bridesmaid at all (thankfully).

    I actually did ask my boss for a week off and she just never replied, that is the truth! We sorta smoothed it out and were just polite to each other after this but our friendship never reignited at all.

    She got pretty drunk at her wedding anyways and kept telling me she loved me and then I never heard from her again!

     

    She used to be ok, always about herself but she occasionally was empathetic and easy to talk to, we were close. She just blew up at me all of a sudden and then acted this way, I am to this day still baffled.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Andi.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Andi.
    #387513
    Andi
    Participant

    Yeah it is really bad. I was actually so shocked and distraught. I dont seem to know how to recover from all of this though! It’s literally been two years since we spoke and I cant get her off my brain at all.

    #387514
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hello Andi,

    It seems to me that Lisa has been very unreasonable with her demands over her wedding.  She has probably gone through a very stressful time planning her wedding which has added to her anxiety levels and you seem to be bearing the brunt of some of this.  The fact that she didn’t support you sufficiently through your own trauma is a separate issue.  Some people just aren’t able to empathize but to suggest that you are delusional or a liar is crossing a boundary from which there is no return.  Things and people change through time and your relationship would be changed by the fact that she is now married.  I suggest that you use this as a convenient time to reinvest your energies into other relationships as well as yourself and give your ex-friend a wide berth, mentally as well as physically.  You had a friendship that lasted 20 years.  There is always some give and take in relationships.  So what if you gave more than her.  That’s to your credit.  Accept that it is now over and lay it to rest.

    Peggy

    #387515
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Andi:

    You wrote that you are confused and baffled. I want to rewrite what you shared so to try to understand better what may have happened:

    You (35) were friends with Lisa (about 35), went to the same schools, “did everything together.. Very close“. At about the age of 30, you were a victim of revenge-porn (“the distribution of sexually explicit images or videos of individuals without their consent… to blackmail.. coerce.. punish.. silence,, damage their reputation, and/or for financial gain… uploading of sexually explicit material to the Internet to humiliate and intimidate a subject”, Wikipedia).

    As a result, you experienced “the worst anxiety and depression.. trauma” and you’ve been in therapy for it, therapy that helped you. At the same time Lisa received a diagnosis of General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). When the revenge porn experience was happening to you, you talked to Lisa about it, and she told you that you made it up, that you lied and that you were delusional. You had proof of the revenge-porn but she refused to look at the evidence, told you that she was setting  boundaries with you, and didn’t want to talk to you about the issue anymore: “She just hung up on me screaming that my therapist is wrong and that I am delusional

    Later on,  2 to 3 years ago, Lisa got engaged, asked you to be her bridesmaid and wanted you to fly to France for an entire week for her wedding. You couldn’t make the time due to work, so you offered to fly to France for the weekend. Her response: she told you that your compromise it was unacceptable, and again called you “delusional and a liar”, screaming at you, telling you that you should prioritize her, having been friends for 20 years, and hung up the phone on you.

    After that the two of you “smoothed things out to some degree“, and you flew to her wedding in France for a weekend, as a guest (not as a bridesmaid). During the weekend she got very drunk, told you that she loved you, but when sober she ignored you and in all her speeches, she kept mentioning another friend as her best friend. Since the wedding, you made some effort to contact her, but she made none, and recently blocked you on Facebook.

    You asked and shared: “was I wrong to try to talk to my friend about it? Why was this her reaction? Was she ever my friend at all? Why can’t I get her off my brain?… How could I spend 20 years of my life with somebody who just behaved this way. I am so confused!.. She just blew up at me all of a sudden and then acted this way, I am to this day still baffled… It’s literally been two years since we spoke and I cant get her off my brain at all”-

    My input today: there is no way for me to know, of course, what happened. What is clear is that she has been at times very angry at you and that she expressed her anger in abusive ways such as screaming at you and ignoring you at the wedding.

    Possibilities as to why and what happened: (1) mind altering drugs may be involved (on top of her alcohol intoxication during the wedding weekend that you attended), (2) there may be significant parts to your relationship with her and to the story that you didn’t share, parts that would have shed some needed light on what you did share. For example, it may be that the man and his group of friends involved in the revenge-porn were also her friends.. it may be that she was involved in it.. it may be that although you didn’t lie to her about the revenge porn, there may have been lies before.. I don’t know and there is no way for me to know,

    (3) it’s likely that in the root of her GAD diagnosis is her own trauma, maybe a sexual related trauma, and when you talked to her about your revenge-porn trauma, a form of sexual trauma, it activated her own and that’s why she said that she needs to set boundaries with you and not talk with you about the issue anymore, (4) it may be that her relationship with her then boyfriend, now husband- is abusive or otherwise very unhealthy, causing her to behave erratically as well as getting drunk during her wedding weekend. It is possible that she is so engrossed in a toxic relationship with this man (and/ or with another person, perhaps a family member) that she is .. unavailable to you.

    In any case, “Ex best friend” is an appropriate title for your thread. I hope you heal and recover further from all that needs healing and recovery!

    anita

     

    #387518
    Andi
    Participant

    Thank you all for your input. All roads are pointing to just moving on so I will! Xx

    #387519
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Andi. I wish you a smooth moving on!

    anita

    #387558
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Andi,

    I am going through my journey of letting someone so important to me. From what I read, it feels like you were the patient one in the relationship/friendship and always went out of your way to make sure that you stayed friends.  unfortunately, we do all these things with good intentions but end up neglecting ourselves and showing these people that we care about that we are not valuable and can be treated whichever way.

    This too was my crime. I am constantly going out of my way to be kinder to people in the hope that they will inherently feel obligated to return that kindness. Unfortunately, however, we can not control how people behave towards us. How we react to their betrayal if I may call it that is all up to us.  and at this point is the only thing we can control.

    I am learning slowly but surely that :

    1. Never force a relationship or a friendship

    2. the minute you find yourself ignored by anyone, don’t bother them again.  if they have something to say or miss you, they will reach out.  this is especially true if you have not disagreed. call once, call twice, be nice and add a third one just to make sure you are not being paranoid.  if all 3 attempts produce the same result, let it go.

    let them go, let the friendship/relationship go.  The truth is there are very few kind human beings on this earth and if you have done your best to be a decent human being walk off with your head held high and with no apologies.

    3. Never offer anyone kindness with the expectation of receiving the same kindness. if you are gonna be kind just do it because that’s who you are with no expectations of reciprocation. while doing all this, constantly remind yourself of your worth, develop a healthy relationship with yourself, acknowledge both your positives and your flaws and accept them. no one is perfect and neither are you.

    4. Never put off any feeling that is uncomfortable about anyone or situation. that’s our internal warning system. Address it and communicate your concerns to the other person.  this is the only way we can get to the bottom of what’s happening and will also allow us to understand the other person’s perspective. this will then allow you to make an informed decision about what is next.

    This is what I have learned so far in my journey.

    I hope it is of help.

    Regards,

    Elizabeth

    #387746
    Andi
    Participant

    Elizabeth, thanks so much. This was really helpful! It was always me, running around after her, supporting all her projects, putting up with her vanity, her selfishness. In a way, it’s a really good thing she’s gone. I’m narcissist free! Thank you again xxx

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Andi.
    #387805
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Andi,

    I am glad my journey could be of help to you.

    I hope you heal and move on.

    Elizabeth

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