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Boyfriend drunkenly got with another woman while we were broken up.

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This topic contains 23 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #310277

    Alexandria
    Participant

    The title says most of it, we have been together for a year. About two months ago, we broke up for about a week, he (25) had broken up with me (23) because of some miscommunication earlier that day. But anyway we broke up for about a week about two months ago, and he was a complete mess. He kept trying to get a hold of me and talk to me but I kept telling him that I couldn’t yet because I was too sad/mad at him. Normally he doesn’t do this but he goes out and parties for about 3 straight days. Somewhere in between this 3 day span another woman gave him oral, he came to while it happened and went home. But a few days later he shows up at my door and flowers and apologizes for everything, we ended up working things out, what kills me is he did not tell me until now. I’m not mad that this happened, I’m mad at the dishonesty. We have been together for so long, I’ve shared so much with him and I do not understand why this was kept from me. He keeps saying it was because he was so ashamed it even happened. I’m literally just mad at the dishonesty, I’ve been in his shoes before with a previous on and off boyfriend and I told him this a few days after this happened (and at the time me and the previous boyfriend weren’t even together.) I’ve been there I have been so sad that I just wanted temporary relief, but I was honest about it. That’s where we differ. Maybe your saying he did tell me but I wish he would’ve told me earlier so we could’ve handled all of this awhile ago. If I knew this type of dishonesty wouldn’t happen again I wouldn’t feel so conflicted but how can I continue you this when I know he is capable of this dishonesty? I don’t know what to do, this man was so devoted and persistent with me, loyal, takes me on dates weekly, is a good provider in my life, has a decent job and most of all wants all these things like moving out, getting engaged and etc. But this event has completely changed my view of him, how can I forgive the dishonesty? Has anyone dealt with anything like this? Any input is appreciated just be kind please <3

    #310283

    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    Hey Alexandria,

    Infidelity is never something easy to go through. Some women forgive their spouses and can repair the relationship, whereas others don’t want to continue on due to the wound the affair caused. If there is still leftover hurt on your part, you should take a break from your boyfriend for a while to clear your head. You mentioned that you had an on/off again boyfriend, so you could either stay in the relationship or break up to avoid repeating that pattern. You also mentioned that your view of him changed when he had an affair with another woman. That explains it all. I hope this helps.

    #310289

    Mark
    Participant

    Alexandria,

    Your post says that your boyfriend and you were broken up when this happened.  My understanding of what “broken up” means is that the two of you are not together which means to me that there is no relationship which means there can be no cheating.

    Am I missing something?

    Plus he was not conscious while getting felicitated and had legitimate feelings of guilt.  You can hold him to your standards of honesty but in my view, this was a non-incident during a time when you two were not in a relationship.

    I evaluate people based on their character, values and their track record of behavior.  It sounds like this man is a decent person who tries to do the right thing.  If you want to judge and distrust him based on this one non-incident then that’s your prerogative but in my opinion, you need to let that go and move on.

    Mark

    #310293

    Alexandria
    Participant

    I love your refreshing out look on this Mark. I do agree with you there, we were broken up and he chose to do that. I’m not mad about that, I am mad because I specifically asked him when we got back together if anything had perspired and he said no. That’s just awful to me. I can tell you that I 100% did not do anything like that, I hung out with my friends and loved ones because I needed that type of support.

    Is there a way I can personally DM you? I really like your view points and have more to say. But want to have a private conversation.

    #310295

    Alexandria
    Participant

    Aiyana I apprecaite your perspective on this it is a reminder that some people can get through things like this and some people can’t. Some of my closest friends have been able to, and others not. You have also given me a lot to think about.

    #310299

    Mark
    Participant

    Thank you for that compliment Alexandria.  Probably best you give me your DM app of choice and I can reach out to you.

    #310301

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandria:

    I don’t have any comments on this thread at this point but I want to post a few quotes from what you stated, your words (except for what I put in parentheses as well as the bold letter feature)  in your previous threads that may be helpful to you now:

    July 25, 2017: “I’m going to start going to therapy to bring all my dysfunction to light, heal from my past and to heal from this heartbreak so I can have a healthy fulfilling relationship later on down the road”.

    Oct 30-31, 2018: “I spent a year single and working on myself and one night a few months ago I went out with my friends one night. I found him (your current boyfriend), I found the person I want to grow with. He is very traditional and I feel like we have the same love language, these are things I find extremely important and what I think makes us compatible long term. We share the same values and communicate well…We came from similar backgrounds, divorced parents one of them on drugs- or alcohol- not able to take care of us very well and the other remarried soon”.

    I do think I am putting too much pressure on him (current boyfriend) in general expecting him to say the right things all the time and never upset me, so I will work on that“.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by  anita.
    #310305

    Alexandria
    Participant

    My reddit username is iloveplur23 🙂

    #310307

    Alexandria
    Participant

    Anita I’d like your comments if you have any please!

    #310313

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandria:

    Because you were broken up at the time I don’t think he owed you any information about how he spent his time while not being in contact with you, following a breakup (especially it being a breakup that you initiated).

    In other words, he had the right to have sex with another woman. The only sex- related obligation he had was to not get another woman pregnant, and to not catch/ pass on an STD to anyone else.

    It would have been wise of him to not tell you anything at all, including the questionable “he came to while it happened”.

    I am thinking that maybe you pressured him so much (and unfairly so) to tell him what happened during the breakup, that he lost his sensible thinking, under pressure, panicked,and told you part-of what happened.

    Which leads me back to your own words from Oct last year: “I do think I am putting too much pressure on him in general expecting him to say the right things all the time and never upset me, so I will work on that”.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by  anita.
    #310409

    Alexandria
    Participant

    Yeah, he broke up with me though!

    But I like these outlooks, I’m just really mad because, he was trying to contact me and inviting me wherever he was and he went out and did that. Even after he told me how much he needed me and missed me. There is a lot of elements that make me kind of mad but that’s one of them that’s the most upsetting.

    #310411

    Alexandria
    Participant

    And it was from a distant friend of mine. Neither her nor him told me.

    #310415

    Alexandria
    Participant

    Sorry that was confusing, a distant friend did that with him. And she didn’t tell me, nor did she. He finally told me what happened last week. Because it was eating him alive and he didn’t want me to hear it from anyone else.

    But he was the one that broke up with me.

    #310431

    anita
    Participant

    Dear  Alexandria:

    I re-read part of your original post and you did write there that he broke up with you, but what you suggested next was that before he went on his 3 day party thing he tried to get back with you and you were the one who didn’t want to: “he was a complete mess. He kept trying to get a hold of me and talk to me but I kept telling him that I couldn’t yet because I was too sad/ mad at him”.

    What was the nature of that “miscommunication earlier that day”, leading to him breaking up  with you, what happened?

    And how  often do these miscommunications/arguments/ fights happen?

    anita

    #310433

    Alexandria
    Participant

    It is almost always about insecurity or jealousy on either of our ends sadly. We both are that “type” and previously that day I had called him a hypocrite.. he tried to resolve things but I didn’t feel very supported in that. So I had dropped him off at his house to cool down and get my ish together.

    I think communication is a big thing with us which really sucks. I try to communicate and be as rational as possible, but he will blow up on occasion (it’s never lead to a break up though.) And that is why I was trying to keep my distance in attempt to teach him that I’m not going to put up with the breaking up getting back together and breaking up thing. You’re either in or your out with me, but that is me.

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