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We are both afraid

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 2 days, 9 hours ago.

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  • #313641

    Connie
    Participant

    I think dating in 30s is difficult. Most people seem to have baggage and are extremely careful when entering relationships.

    I recently met a guy and we agreed to be exclusive really early on. Last week he asked me to be his girlfriend and I gladly said yes.

    But within a week, things changed drastically. He shut down one day and has become really cold.

    He said he missed me and fell really hard for me so he needed some space to think. I knew the only thing I could do was to give him the space he wanted.  He said he was scared of everything and asked me why I liked him. We exchanged some texts. But I haven’t heard anything back from him yet. That was yesterday.

    My mind was at peace but as time goes by, I started panicking. I wonder if he regretted and found out I am not the one he wants. Maybe he’s looking for a way out but doesn’t know how to tell me since he was the one who initiated the relationship talk?

    I am really confused and scared as well. I texted him that I really missed him and even though we are both scared, I am determined to go through everything with him.

    Why is he acting like this suddenly?

    #313659

    Grenada
    Participant

    Hi Connie,

    i appreciate anyone who can say something like “though we are both scared I’m willing to try it out/move forward.” Etc thats a whole love language in my book. So good for you.

    i messaged that to someone I was interested in and who was pursuing me on Instagram and they never responded so I was hurt by that . Lol

    Like why do people pursue people then shut down or not communicate. I find it very disrespectful & immature. Like you’re messing with real people with real hearts and feelings , the least you could do is communicate in turn.

    Besides my biases. He may just need some time or whatever. All you can do is be patient . Or set some type of boundaries around time.

    People with effective communication skills would say and sound like this. “Hi, I understand you would like to talk about this now, but I need some time to do (x). Can we talk about this on (date).”

    So moving forward I would open up communication around communication and time boundaries.

    #313677

    Mark
    Participant

    Connie,

    This guy’s behavior sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style. “Avoidants get easily overloaded with too much intimacy and need to regain their space and autonomy by moving away. When their partner gets too close, or stay close for too long, avoidants start to pull away.”

    Look it up in learning more about it and how to deal with it.

    How long did you know him before he asked you to be his girlfriend?  How many times did you meet?

    #313687

    Grenada
    Participant

    He does sound avoidant. I decided to give our attachment style quizzes on the 2nd or 3rd date. Lmao … too much ?

    #313823

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Connie:

    I wonder if you heard from him since two days ago (Sept 21) when he texted you last?

    Mark (good to read from you Mark, after 17 days!) suggested that he has an avoidant attachment style, it may be so. Talking about attachment styles, your reads like an anxious attachment style, having read from you over the years.

    It may help you to read more about attachment styles from a competent source.

    anita

    #314881

    Connie
    Participant

    Hello everyone

    After making the post last Sunday, I finally heard from him hours later. He said he loved me and asked to spend time together. When we met up, he was really apologetic and told me he collapsed sometimes and needed time to be alone and isolate himself. I told him about my concerns and asked him if that ever happened again – if he felt that he needed to retreat again, make sure to let me know and communicate with me so I would know what’s going on and how to help him. He said it would never happen again and he would make sure to let me know if otherwise.

    We talked a lot that night. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me. He said he wanted to move in together, had kids with me, etc. Everything seemed so wonderful.

    A couple of days later, we then arrange two-night sleep-over at his place due to my housing situation. I double-checked with him making sure he’d be ok with that. He said that would not be a problem. But right before I headed to his house, he texted me that he had to cancel the sleep over because he was sweaty and gross. (It was oddly hot in our city the other day). I felt a bit off but still texted him back ok. Then he changed his mind again, telling me he had dinner ready and wanted me to come. I was really confused so I called him. He asked me if I loved him, He just felt he was sweating and felt gross. I said I didn’t mind but I wanted him to be sure about me coming over. He said yes. That night we also talked a lot and he was really affectionate.

    Two days later, he shut down again. He got mad over something that’s really small. I tried calling him but he hung up on me a couple of times. At this point, the whole situation had gotten me really exhausted, and him as well.

    I gave multiple attempts to try to communicate with him but we never had a real conversation. I tried to be caring and rational by letting him know I cared about him and wanted to solve the problem. But he just never seemed to have the emotional capacity to talk to me. He said everything happened too fast and too much. He felt stressed and had a second thought about us. That made me rethink the whole situation. I told him I wasn’t sure about us anymore. He said he couldn’t do this anymore. So we ended things there.

    I am not really sure what happened but doubt he might have some mental disorder. Like I said I was willing to go through everything with him, but I couldn’t put my heart on the table if he’s not even sure what he wanted.

    I am torn… but I will be ok.

    #314885

    Grenada
    Participant

    Hi,

    i appreciate how patient & compassionate you are with him. I know you like him a lot but his behavior (though not be intentionally disrespectful) are beginning to get disrespectful. You need open honesty, consistency & communication.

    Its really important you develop some boundaries & communicate those for any & all of your relationships. You don’t want to stretch yourself out thin, and I can tell you already are crossing your own boundaries because you’re clearly bothered by this.

    Lets develop some boundaries together. Using this site & other ppls advice.

    What are 4 things you absolutely Need in order to feels safe & a sense of trust in your romantic relationships?

    What are the deal breakers?

     

    #314887

    Grenada
    Participant

    Though may not be*

    typo

    #314891

    Connie
    Participant

    I can’t think straight now. I just would like to know why he changed suddently.

    #314895

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Connie:

    It does read like he doesn’t “have the emotional capacity” to have a solid enough relationship with you or with anyone. There is nothing you can do, and a volatile, unstable relationship is not healthy for anyone.

    You did your best with him, but sometimes.. our best is not good enough- we can’t change what we can’t change. I hope you feel better soon.

    anita

    #314899

    Grenada
    Participant

    I hear you.

    Boundaries are the things that prevent this from happening. I hope at some point some will be developed. Hope you feel better soon.

    #314917

    Connie
    Participant

    Is it me not good enough?

    I am not sure how someone could change from “I am so lucky to have you” to “I am not sure if I want this?”

    I have heard that some men freak out when they realize they are about to lose their freedom before entering relationships. Is that the case?

    Honestly, deep down I am still hoping that he would come back to me after he sorts out everything. Is that even realistic to think this way?

     

    #314947

    Anushree
    Participant

    Dear Connie,

    Just read the thread. Sorry for coming in the middle of the conversation. But I felt the compulsion to write to you.

    It is quite normal to doubt if you are good enough when a relationship breaks. I have been through it. However, know that although we must strive to improve ourselves and be the best version of ourselves, we can’t be the best version of what someone expects us to be. For everyone has a different idea of what the best is.

    Yes, men do freak out from commitments but know that the one who truly loves you and is meant for you will not. Even if he does, he will be absolutely communicative about it because he knows you care and he can’t keep you hanging in the middle with absolutely no clue about what’s happening.

    In this case, the guy, with all due respect, seems to be struggling with some emotional and possibly mental issues. It is obvious that you want him to be back because you truly love him even after all that has happened. Be by his side and wait if you wish but meanwhile, know that you are complete in every way for God has made you so and will not fall apart if it doesn’t work out. We sometimes go through confusing relationships which don’t work out because they are not meant to work out. There is a lesson in each relationship and may be the lesson is his and you are just playing a part. God knows!

    Even if the relationship works out and if the guy is going through some mental issues, will you be happy in the relationship? I think not!.So just trust in the God and universe that whatever is the best for you shall happen. And whatever is the best for the guy too. Pray for both of you and God shall take care of the rest. You deserve all the love in the world because you are god’s child. May god bless you.

    Love,

    Anu

    #315001

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Connie:

    You asked in your recent post: “Is  it me not good enough?”- I didn’t detect anything on this thread to  indicate that your behavior wasn’t good enough.

    On the other hand, July 2017, in the context of the relationship you had then, your behavior  was not good enough. I am referring to this behavior you shared about at that time: “I feel bad for not being able to control my temper. When I am really upset I tend to be verbally abusive.. I tend to get verbally abusive when I am upset.. It’s just when I am angry, I can’t control whatever comes out  of my mouth”-

    if this is still the case, and if you verbally abused this man as well, then your behavior was definitely.. bad.

    anita

    #315077

    Connie
    Participant

    Hi everyone

    Thank you very much for your encouraging words. I understand that we are all a work in progress. I think it’s just easier to blame myself when I can’t figure out why. But just like Anu said, some things just don’t work out simply because they are not meant to be.

    I have done a lot of soul searching in the past 2 years and worked on myself a lot. I am finally in a place where I find peace and happiness within. I am a lot happier and more mature now. And no, I didn’t verbally abuse this man I was seeing. I gave him a lot of patience and warmth. I stayed cool and collected when he first disappeared. I didn’t blame him at all when he came back to me before he ran away again. Even when he ran away this time, I was calm and tried to communicate with him in a rational sense.

    So I guess I have done everything I could. I am sad to see him go but believe the universe has a plan for us all.

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