September 3, 2019 at 5:37 pm #310203AnonymousInactive
Good for you, Kay. It’s always important to stick up for yourself!September 3, 2019 at 5:43 pm #310205
I am surprised too, i use to avoid things that make me uncomfortable or feel insecure. Thanks!
You are right, i did not agree to be involved in an open relationship, the only i did agree was not relationship, but not someone else involved. I do not knos what to do next, i kind of suspected he was with someone else a while ago. But anyhow i want to know a lot of answers, but probably the best is to just move on.
He did not say anything back, i am glad, right now i feel my head heavy.
KaySeptember 3, 2019 at 6:54 pm #310209
Do congratulate yourself for doing a courageous thing: asking him about the woman you saw driving his car even though you were very scared to ask, good job on your part!
Even though you have questions for him, you already know a few answers: he wasn’t honest with you before you saw the woman in his car; he was not honest a short while after you asked him and eventually he told you some of the truth, if not all.
What to do? One thing for sure: no more kissing and making out with him!
You have to honor yourself, treating your body, mind and heart with respect. It will be disrespectful to yourself to have any kind of romantic or physical relationship with him while he has a relationship with another woman.
If you don’t contact him next (and you shouldn’t) and he doesn’t contact you to apologize- you will have even more answers (without needing to ask any more questions).
You deserve to have an honest, trustworthy man in your life, and nothing less than that.
I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours from now. And again: congratulations for being courageous today!
anitaSeptember 3, 2019 at 7:30 pm #310213
Hi Aiyana. Thanks!September 3, 2019 at 7:42 pm #310215
I will not contact him again, that is for sure.
I read sometime ago about attachment theory, i think i am an anxious avoidant, craving for a relationship but scared at the same time. Maybe that is why subsconciously i always choose people that are not available or not good for me, so i can reinforce the belief that everyone eventually is going to abandon me.
I read too that unhealty patterns can change, with help of therapy and all that. But the last time i was in therapy i felt like i overwhelmed my therapist and she sent me to take a break again, because she said she did not know how she could help me, that it seemed i had the answers already. Perhaps back then i was super excited because i got a new job and i saw everything positive and in a constructive way, but i still needed someone to talk to.
KaySeptember 3, 2019 at 11:16 pm #310223MarkParticipant
Choosing the right therapist is like choosing the right girl/boy friend. Therapists are not all the same. Go forth and find the right one for you.
MarkSeptember 4, 2019 at 6:41 am #310237
I suppose you do fit the anxious avoidant attachment style, but then.. most people do. And any one person’s attachment style is not permanent throughout a person’s lifetime. You definitely did a lot of avoiding: no relationship with a boy/ man before you were 29.
It is not that you are the only person anxious in regard to relationships and most everyone else is secure, and it just happens that you “always choose people that are not available or not good for (you)”- what it is, is that most people are not available or good for you!
A harsh reality, because the great majority of people, men and women are anxious in general and specifically in relationships.
It takes you knowing yourself more and more and when you meet a man, getting to know him more and more and figuring out if a match is a good idea, that is, if the two of you, anxious people, can help each other and build a healthy, loving relationship together.
The reason people are “craving for a relationship but scared at the same time” (some more than others), is because people got hurt in the context of their early life relationships, those with their parents. Every child is attached to her parent or parents and in that context can get very hurt. That hurt is carried on through life, and the now adult still craves a relationship but is afraid to get hurt yet again.
You wrote that you have “the belief that everyone eventually is going to abandon me“. January of this year, you wrote about your mother: “Some other times she just stopped talking to me, or just threaten us with abandon us“- when your mother threatened to abandon you, she created in you the fear of being abandoned.
When she stopped talking to you, that was a form of abandonment, right there. When she “got physical with her anger”- that was a form of abandonment: gone was the warm, gentle, loving mother that she was (temporarily) at times and you could never count on a persistent warm, gentle and loving mother ever again.
“I was so afraid to be alone with her”, you wrote. When you got a job offer abroad 4 years ago, you “accepted it without hesitation.. trying to escape from.. my mother. I wanted to be free”- escaping her is avoiding her- and that is the avoidant in the anxious avoidant attachment style. You wanted to be free of the emotional pain involved in living with your mother.
Key in life, as you proceed, is to avoid abusive people and not avoid people who treat you well.
Regarding the therapist you mentioned- if she was overwhelmed, it is because she wasn’t ready to be a therapist when you saw her. Maybe she is still not ready- there are plenty who aren’t. You wrote: “she said she did not know how she could help me”- did she try to help you, and if she did, how did she try to help you?
anitaSeptember 4, 2019 at 10:38 am #310267
I am not sure what happened or why last year i became so anxious about wanting s reñationship. I feel like before at least i was safe from everyone. Right now there are times while i do not feel anything at all and thhere are others when i feel so much pain, mainly because all the time we spent together, this was kind of my longest “relationship” or whatever it was. I cannot sleep, but i do not feel sleepy, just empty and without energy.
I started to see my ex-therapist after the first incident i posted before. I used to talk and she to listen and ask some questions during our sessions. Doing that, talking, i feel like i wss expresing all the suffering i was experiencing at the moment, and eventually i could go back to sleep back then. I was in a better shape and i agreed that i would not use online dating at least for a while. She suggested me to take a break, since i did not have like a lot to say.
But after the second incident happened i contacted her and we went back the same dynamic, me talking and she listening and asking questions. Our sessions did not have a lot of follow up between one and the other even though she was taking notes, she was not prepared to continue were we left the previous time. This was not a lot of a problem for me because i just wanted to talk, because with that and her questions i could realize that i would be fine. Also, she was kind of flexible with my schedule which was yje main reason i choose her.
The last sessions i saw her, i suggested togo through my childhood experiences, we did it for a couple of times but it was likd starting over everytime. Then sinces i looked good and i was really excited due my new job she suggested me to take a break because she did not see how she could help.
Then i decided to try one of those online therapy apps, but i could not find any schedule to even have my first session, so i had to cancel it.
KaySeptember 4, 2019 at 11:15 am #310271
Reads like your therapist did not prepare between sessions, did not study her notes and plan for the next session. She should have. For many therapists, maybe most, a patient or client exists only within the fifty minutes of the session and not in between. When I attended the first quality therapy of my life, in 2011, my therapist took notes, then reviewed them and after the session, he emailed me homework to do before the next session. In the next session, we reviewed my homework and took it from there. If there was a pressing issue, we started with the pressing issue. Our sessions often exceeded the hour, way beyond at times, no extra charge. He also didn’t charge for emailing me homework or for other phone/ email communication between sessions. He was very thoughtful, very organized and approach therapy in a scientific way, presenting me with objectives for the therapy and strategies as to how meet stated objectives.
His specialty was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with a heavy touch of Mindfulness.
You wrote: “last year, I became so anxious about wanting a relationship. I feel like before at least I was safe from everyone”- we are social animals, naturally and instinctively we crave relationships- it is our nature. We may feel safe temporarily when alone, and every social animal has its alone time, but not for too long. When alone for too long, we feel “just empty and without energy”.
Key to healthy living: at least one relationship in which you are safe!
anitaSeptember 4, 2019 at 2:18 pm #310309
Your therapist sounds like someone i would like to find, someone that really worries about parients and not just their money.
Because all this, i realize that even without noticing it before i already have more than one relationship in which i feel safe, my friends. They know i am not well and these days they have been trying to cheer me up and distract me from thinking negative.
They do not know the whole story, some of them know i met this guy, and they did agree nack then that when he said he did not have time for a relationship stop right there and if the time was right we would see later. I regret i did not listen. But i am glad i have them around.
September 4, 2019 at 2:31 pm #310317
- This reply was modified 8 months, 4 weeks ago by Kay.
Do keep good friends and expect your future boyfriend to be as kind to you as your friends are. A boyfriend shouldn’t be a man who makes out with you or has sex with you (prior thread), it needs to be first and foremost a friend, a person who treats you with empathy and respect, and never, ever uses you/ your body selfishly and otherwise mistreats you!
anitaSeptember 4, 2019 at 7:55 pm #310331
Thanks for your words, i will be more careful about what people i get around. In the meantime i will work on trying to recover my sleep and energy!
Thanks! I have to keep trying to find a therapist that works for me.
KaySeptember 5, 2019 at 10:35 am #310445
You are welcome. I hope you rest and recover soon.
anitaSeptember 8, 2019 at 2:34 pm #310899
This J guy did apologized. He said he did not say it clear at the begining because he was afraid of rejection and he did not know we were going to get along so well, and after the fact, he did not know how to say it without me running away.
I feel somehow relieved and respected if it makes sense. This is the first time that someone offers me an apology, an explanation.
Othe than that i started to sleep more than a couple of hours a day.
Thanks for reading and writing back!
September 8, 2019 at 6:52 pm #310917
- This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by Kay.
I will be able to read your note to me and reply when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.