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Should I tell him I know he is with someone?

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This topic contains 30 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #310057

    Kay
    Participant

    It has bee quite a bit since my last post here. I struggled with online dating and I did think I was over that, never again!

    However I did it again, because of being bored… who knows  why. I met this guy J online, we started talking for a couple of weeks, he was so fun, charming and I felt so comfortable communicating with him.  Then we decided to meet, in person we had even more chemistry, but I knew I had to be wary. The first couples of times he was all excited about us, he even mentioned to having a relationship, but I knew it was going too fast and slowed things down, even though I enjoyed so much his company and wanted him so badly.

    After some time he regretted about wanting a relationship saying that right then he needed to focus more in his career, because there were difficult times, I understood that and it was kind of convenient since I did not want things to go too fast. We continued seeing each other, going for walks, dinner, games, etc. We kissed and made out, but never had sex, we never went to each others house, always met in public places.

    We continued like that for a couple of months, sometimes we did not see each other because he traveled or work related stuff, but always communicating, almost every day. He went under a lot stress at work and I always understood and supported him, tried to cheer him up. After he was back from his last trip he started to act distant, the last time we saw each other was almost one month ago, we had an amazing dinner, but I felt it was more like a farewell, he did what he had never done, I am usually the one listening and understanding, but that day it was all about me. After that he started to act distant again, I did not ask or anything, since we did not have a relationship and I did not want to sound needy or controlling.

    On Friday he contacted me like nothing, he did not explain what happened to him, nor I did ask. We talked for hours like before, the same on Saturday and not that much on Sunday. Today I went out just to be around the city since I did not work today. I saw him from far with a woman who was driving his car. It was clear they were together, not sure if his wife, girlfriend or what.

    I feel so stupid, I think I always knew it, but I did not want to recognize it. I feel like I became for a moment what I hated the most, since when I was a child my father did cheat on my mother and that destroyed my life at the moment.

    I do not know what to do, I deleted his number, since I do not want to contact him, but I know it is probable he will contact me again. I do not know what to say or do, since we never had a relationship, I do not want to sound crazy, maybe he was just being nice and everything else was in my head

    #310059

    Mark
    Participant

    Kay,

    I am sorry that you feel stupid.  I believe we are subconsciously programmed by our family-of-origin upbringing.  I believe that from that, we unconscious about who we attract in our lives and the choices we make despite our best of our intentions.  So please give yourself a break.  You were as cautious as you could be in this.  I suggest that a takeaway lesson in this is not to be the one who puts yourself out as much in doing the listening, understanding, and supporting.  I suspect this is your M.O., probably your way of “keeping” a man in your life.  A lot of women behave like that for you are the gender that is the nurturer.  Society “raises” you do do that.

    You said you never had a relationship with him but you did.  You talked for hours.  You had visits and dinners together.  You can communicate what sort of relationship you want from him next time you talk.  You can be clear, direct and specific.  He can respond if he wants the same or not.  Part of your direct communication, you can set the parameters of the kind of contact, the frequency of contact you want.  Again, it’ll be up to him to decide if he wants meet your needs or not.

    Mark

    #310063

    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    Dear Sweet Kay,

    Love is a battlefield, and Pat Benatar was not wrong in that statement. It sounds to me as if you were making decisions due to wearing rose-colored glasses. By wearing those glasses, we can be blinded by our choices due to the power of love. Love is an aphrodisiac and drug all in one go. If your gut is telling you that he ended up seeing someone else, by all means cease contact with him. From my point of view, you want a monogamous love, not a poly-amorous one.

    Never feel stupid about love, either. Without mistakes, love wouldn’t be filled with fun stories to tell our fellow comrades. Your heart kept saying yes, whereas your mind and intuition kept saying, “Be careful there, love.” That being said, you should definitely move on. A relationship on lies isn’t a relationship at all.

    #310075

    Kay
    Participant

    Hi Mark,
    <div dir=”auto”>Thanks for your response. You are right, i put everything out there. There were times i felt so overwhelmed and energy drained. I did everything by my own choice, he never asked me to worry about him or anything.  But i knew far back that all that could not be good, that i should stop and think more about myself, but then he was again being all charming that i did think: i guess not everything can be perfect all time, he is not perfect nor i am.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I was so angry when i saw him with that other woman, i cried and scream for hours today. But now i feel more calm and think, maybe this is the signal i needed, since i knew far back all this could not be good for me.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I do not know if tomorrow i will be still calm or how i am going to feel, but posting this here will help me remember i am going to be fine, i have to be fine</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>Kay</div>

    #310077

    Kay
    Participant

    Hi Aiyana,

    Thanks for your response. I agree, i was wearing pink-colored glasses. All that by my own choice, like wanting to see only what was more convenient to me.

    I remember when he contacted me on Friday between all the talk he asked me: “what do you want?” I did not think much then, because he asks silly questions sometimes, but probably he was refering to a relationship, who knows. I answered: “i want you” and changed the topic, since i am avoidant of hearing something i do not want to hear. Probably that was my oportunity to say i wanted a relationship, but i am glad i did not, because deep inside me i knew it was not going to be good.

     

    Kay

    #310079

    Kay
    Participant

    Mark,

    I forgot to add. He asked me on Friday what i wanted. Probably that was my oportunity to set my expectations.

    But maybe it is better i did not. It is obvious he was with someone else far back. It would have been more humiliating if i asked for a relationship that he already has with someone else.

    #310091

    Mark
    Participant

    Kay,

    I wonder from you not wanting to know about his romantic life is because you are ready to move on and not be involved with him anymore?

    Mark

    #310093

    Kay
    Participant

    Mark,

    I am not sure, part of me want to forget what i saw and still be in that magic bubble. There is one more part of me wants to scream and ask for an explanation, why he did that, why he did not tell me he was with someone already?, do i look too fragile to him than he did not think i could handle it?, was he only playing with me?

    And finally there is part of me that is relieved all this is over, perhaps i always knew he was not available (emotionally or whatever).

    So, i do not know if i am ready to move on, i want him so much, i miss the time we spent together, the talks, feeling understood. I want to know why and since when he was with her, event though i am not sure i can handle the truth. I feel he is/was my friend and i do not want to lose him, but friends do not lie to each other, right? That is why i wonder if i should ask directly if he is with someone the next time he talk to me. Perhaps he had been trying to tell me over this weekend we talked, but i always changed the topic. He said: “now that i am less stressed i ask myself what next?, what do i want?”, “i do not know what words to say or not to say to you”, “what do you want”. I knew deep inside me, it was someone else.

    I know, a lot of contradiction in me.

     

    Kay

    #310143

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    You wrote regarding him asking you what you want: “I answered: ‘I want you’ and changed the topic, since I am avoidant of hearing something I do not want to hear… Perhaps he had been trying to tell me over this weekend we talked, but I always changed the topic“.

    You changed the topic because you are afraid of what he will say and how badly it will make you feel. Jan 2019 you wrote: “I remember that my mother was always angry at me and that many times I just prayed and wished to die.. my mother did not like anything I did or say, sometimes she got physical with her anger and maybe that is why I was so afraid to  be alone with her. Some other times she just stopped talking to me, or just threaten us with abandon us””-

    -An Angry mother is a Scary mother, for her child. You were so scared living with your angry, punishing mother that you have been scared ever since to be in a close relationship with a man. This is why you had none before the age of 29 (“I had never experienced any kind of relationship, not even a kiss”). And this is why you change the subject- you are afraid that this man you grew to like will do what your mother did: say angry things to you, express to you that he doesn’t like anything you do  or say, that he will stop talking to you and that he will threaten to abandon you, all the things your mother did to you. We keep re-experiencing our childhood most powerful troubled relationship all through our adult lives (unless we take on the difficult and long healing process).

    You wrote Jan this year: “Four years ago I got a job offer to work abroad, I accepted it without hesitation, maybe  I was trying to escape from everything in my home country  including my mother. I wanted to be free”- but you are not free from her anger and the words she said to you. Her anger and words keep replaying in your brain and they keep scaring you.

    I suggest you do tell  him (as calmly as you can, respectfully, not accusing him of anything) that you saw him with another woman. Ask him who this woman is, if he  is in a relationship with her. You may be surprised that he will not get angry with you, that he will not criticize you for asking him this question, that he will not turn to be … your mother.

    That would be a learning opportunity for you: not all  people are your mother (what a relief that is)!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by  anita.
    #310155

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thanks for taking the time to read and reply back. It makes sense that i do not want to get other people angry and get rejected in general and i do it by avoiding or running away when i think i cannot get what i want.

    What you mention sounds like a good idea, i will ask and see what he says back, but i am probably going to do it when i am less upset. Right now i cry easily and i could barely sleep last night (this has been happening for a couple of days before all this, but with the crying i feel like a zombie right now, i cannot think clearly) and i do not want to say something i did not mean because of having so many mixed feelings and thoughs right now.

    Yesterday i could calm down a bit. I will wait until i am more consistently calm before sating anything to him. Hopefully he does not contact me before that.

    Kay

    #310163

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    If you communicate with him via email, it will be easier for you to express yourself calmly, responding a bit, taking a break, coming back to it, typing more, taking your time and eventually sending him a short and clear message that you think is just right.

    If he contacts you, same thing- you can not take a phone call from him, if he calls, let him leave you a message and then respond to it via email.

    Or do  it in person, your choice of course. If you choose to send him an email, when you are calm, when it suits you, you can post a draft here and I will be glad to give you my input on it.

    anita

     

    #310175

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I was going to send a short text message, no way i could do it in person!

    I was going to say something like:

    I know you do not owe me any explanation, however the other day i saw you with a woman and i would like to know who she was, because when i saw with her a part of me realized i might want you more than what i thought i did and i would like to set my expectations accordingly to do not get hurt or anything.

     

    Please let me know what do you think.

    Lay

    #310177

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    When you start the message with “I know you don’t owe me any explanation”- it is as if you heard him say: I don’t owe you an explanation! So you are trying to appease him by stating it before he does.

    Better edit that out and send: “the other day I saw you with a woman and I would like to know show she is. Can you tell me who she is? I am asking because I need to know, that is all.

    This is it, no need to defend yourself against an accusation he hadn’t made (I don’t owe you  an explanation!) or explain to him why you want to know.

    The message is respectful, no disrespect in it, it is simple and straightforward. How he responds to it will be very informative, giving you valuable information about who he is and about the nature of the relationship you have been having with him.

    Let me know how you proceed.

    anita

    #310197

    Kay
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I asked him, and at the begining he pretended he did not know what i was talking about, then he said he was in an complicated/open relationship with that woman.

     

    I just said “ah” and did not ask or said anything else. I wanted to ask him was he did not say that before and implied he was single, i wanted to ask since when, a lot of questions, but not sure if i want to know the answers.

    Kay

     

     

    #310199

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kay:

    Good job asking him! I am impressed with you, that you asked him even though you were afraid. Well, you got an answer. He should have told you very early on, before you even met him that he is in an open relationship with another woman. The moment there was a hint of romance between the two of you and before there was a kiss (“We kissed and made out”), he should have told you.

    The other woman may be okay with having an open relationship with him, but you did not give your okay to an open relationship with him, you didn’t even know.

    I will be back in an hour after submitting this for a short while before taking a longer, 12 hours break or so.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by  anita.
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