Ok, on sunday I made the move! I have been stressing and ‘waiting’ for some miracle to happen that would make it easy, all my eczema has flared up and I have a cold (I am never normally sick) so on sunday I am sitting there and finally told myself there is no easy way….so I told him I was leaving. It was THE worst emotional day I have ever had. So many tears, so much pain. He was devastated, never saw it coming because he has always been so good at not seeing issues or problems. He was begging me to stay, then finally he did say he would leave for a bit so I could pack some stuff.

Since then I feel within myself that I have done the right thing and even had moments of happiness. I have also seen more pain in my husband than I ever want! The devastation and pain from him is nearly unbearable. He didnt eat for a couple of days, he seems like such a broken man, and although my daughter said she understood, she was so upset on the phone today, we both cried so much. She was so worried about him, she felt it her ‘duty’ to come home and look after him. I asked her not to. He is incredibly emotionally attached to me, dependant on everything, he (and I have let him I guess) has made a life for himself that allows him to think of nothing but his mining work and his drinking. He just tells me what he needs, beer, etc and then goes off golfing (even his mates pick him up) so he can drink.

I so wish there was a way I could do this without the pain, without the tears. but I also know that I need to do this for myself. I will be responsible for pain and hurting of a lot of my most loved people and I guess I just have to wear that. My mother in law rang yesterday, she knew something was up, She said how sad she was but understood how difficult things have been and our relationship won’t change (thank god). My sister in law rang and gave me her support too, sad support but understanding and support. My mother never really liked him so she was ok, sad too but ok. I dont think he has told anyone, except my daughter told him she knew when she rang. So he is all alone, its not making things better. He didnt go to work yesterday, said he couldn’t and this morning when he rang he said he was never going to go to work again…After my talk to my daughter I told her I would go out and talk to him, when I got there, he had gone to work and I saw that there was a frypan been used, so I know he ate. I texted and told her that. I am happy to help him learn the things in life he needs to do, but I can not help him with his pain….and for that I am so very sad

Nan,

Wow! I wish I knew where you were…I would be thee for you. You are so right about the drips on a stone….Thats what slow torture is isn’t it. I do have to leave! I have to find my happy self and I am pretty sure that person is still around somewhere. I feel trapped now, I cant see myself as a happy person for the rest of my life if I stay. I see couples come into my shop, they are holidaying and seem happy and caring toward each other. They laugh and have smiles in their eyes. I also see single ladies come in, full of life and enthusiasm….I want to be a person like that! I have told myself every day that I am a good person, that people care about me and enjoy my company. i tell myself I am worthy. I am crying as I type! I shouldn’t have to tell myself this every day, I should know it, it should be a given! And someone else should tell me this too. I dont want to be trapped! and I will endeavour to become unparalyzed…for the both of us!!!! Thank you and bless you

Thank You Anita,

I was humbled that you read and replied so quick.

I think in my mind I have made the decision, I am not sure what I am afraid of? But it is nice to know someone out there in the big wide world has taken time to read and reply. Will keep you all informed.