Caught him watching…

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    Stephanie B

    Hello everyone, hope you can help me with this one.
    I’ve been living with my boyfriend for about a year now. We’ve been together for 4 years and everything was beautiful in the begining, a real-life fairytale. He really is great man and treats me good. He doesn’t really like to cuddle (so sometimes I feel like his roommate more than girlfriend), but almost every day he spoons before sleep and talks in a cute way.
    A few months from now we started fighting more often then usual and our love life started suffering. I knew that most couples go through this faze, but still, since (in the begining of the relationship) he was always the one to encourage sex more than me, it was weird to me that he stopped doing that (we did it, in average, maaybe 1-2 times in 3 weeks, and it wouldn’t last long enough for me to have an orgasm; many times when I wanted to do it, he would say he is tired).
    Then, one time I caught him watching porn.
    As I thought that was the reason for his low sex drive, I asked him to stop, and he said he did; untill I caught him watching it again. Again, he said he’ll stop, and few months later swore he doesn’t watch it. But our sex life was not better. And now, few days ago, I walked in on him watching it again. I absolutley knew he was watching it the whole time, lying to me, to my face. I was so mad that I packed most important things quickly and went to my friends house; he didn’t even try to stop me. I’ve blocked his number because I didn’t want him to get to me that easily (because few times before when he’d mess up, he would appologize via sms and I would have forgive him in an instant). And now, only two days have passed since I’ve left our appartment; and I feel anxious as ever. I constantly think about weather or not was it something that I did that was wrong, or was it his fault. I still haven’t heard of him and don’t know what to do now. I did’t get out of the house one time since then; I didn’t work out, studied, went to a coffee with a friend; nothing, just lied the bed all day feeling anxious. What do you think about my problem? What would you do in my place?


    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know that many people view porn as harmless, however I’ve come to develop a different view. It’s hard to explain but I think it trains a man to view women as vessels, that sex is a quick grunt. Women can never live up to a porn actress because that isn’t how we work. I personally need a deep connection, I need to be seen to my core. If you look on YouTube there is an excellent Tee talk called Why I No Longer Watch Porn, and Russell Brand also has a Yourube video that you could share with your BF. It’s hard to explain, as a woman to a man, and him seeing a video from another mans perspective will likely help. There is also a book called The Way of the Superior Man.

    That book is by David Deida.

    You are right to feel as you feel. However you also need to und compassion with your liver, he is living in a world where women are now oppressing themselves by creating a pseudo sexuality. Expressing our femininity means being in touch with our sexuality and expressing nothing less.

    I’m sorry I assumed you are a woman

    Stephanie B

    Thank you for your amswer, you assumed cocorrectly, I am a woman. So you think I should call him? I just felt so bad because he didn’t even try to stop me leaving. He also has a tendecy to avoid any concersations about feelings, so I think it would be very hard to get him to talk about it 🙁


    First I am sorry you are feeling anxious and hurt.

    There is more information needed for advice. Do you have money to live on -or you dependent on the friend you are staying with? Do you have employment? Was the home you made with him-rented, owned–who paid bills? Do you have transportation? Money? What is your relationship with your family?

    Did you have anxiety problems in the past? Do you have an emotional support system? Have you ever lived on your own?

    These are survival questions, Love, relationships change–but having the basics of a physical shelter and emotional support are paramount. Is the friend you are staying with able to willingly take this on?

    Your boyfriend continued to watch porn when you asked him not to—you decided it was a deal breaker and left him. you blocked his number and he has not hunted you down and tried to convince you to come back. That is harsh and hurts.

    You asked what someone would do in your place—I would make sure I was helpful around the home you are living in. I would find out how long I could stay. I would get my life together without him. Some people cannot be with a partner who watches porn–I happen to be one of them. I find it offensive.

    I would cut him out of my life like a bad spot in an apple.

    Be strong–get out of bed. If you need a therapist see one. If you need a job get one. Treat yourself kindly.



    You did the right thing, don’t doubt yourself. Your initial reaction was right… now you have time, and you are over thinking things and making excuses. Remember he not only continued to watch after you asked him not to, but he lied to you… don’t you deserve more than that from someone?

    You need to decide what you will and what you won’t tolerate from a relationship…

    Maybe it’s just me, and prob because I am older, but we can’t be ashamed to expect our significant others to treat us with respect, love, kindness, honesty, etc… and it goes both ways. When those qualities aren’t there, then there really isn’t a relationship…

    Stephanie B

    I will get my own place; IF this doesn’t end well. And I hope it does. I really do hope he changes.

    Stephanie B

    Thank you all. It’s hard, we’ve been together for a long time. He has been there for me when no one else hasn’t, amd that is why I do not take this lightly


    Dear smallpeiceoflife,
    I am sorry, that you are feeling bad. I want to compliment you on your proactive behaviour: you called your Bf out on his behaviour, you did not accept it and you packed your things and left for a friends place. You have been very active. Think maybe ybout what gave you the drive for doing that. There is something or some energy/insight driving you. Do you want to follow this path and leave him for good? Or under which circumstances would you be willing to come bacck to him?
    Take good care of yourself while feeling low- ask your friend to help you out there.
    And then continue on this procative walk in your life/relationship, that you have shown before.
    with empathy


    Have you asked him why he watches porn?

    I guess you have to decide what you are ok with and what you feel you deserve from a partner and what kind of partner you want to be.

    I would just say, who you choose as a partner should elevate you, not degrade you… good luck to you.


    It certainly appears that you wanted someone to tell you to give him another chance…..It already hasn’t ended well. A porn addict has not hunted you down and asked for another chance–you would like to call him. Several people took time to respond and stated you deserved better.
    You can only change yourself not him. Sorry you didn’t hear what you wanted.

    tootle loo

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Seaisland. Reason: left out word
    Stephanie B

    I will have to go there amd get the rest of my things even if he doesn’t come; that will be very unpleasant 🙁


    Very quickly: there isn’t anything wrong with porn unless it becomes a preoccupation. If porn gets in the way of real life relations or it creates unfair expectations.
    However, there is something wrong with dishonesty & demanding someone’s behavior to stop.
    I believe the correct response is communicating not ultimatums. Sometimes porn helps relationships with passion & fantasy- nothing wrong with healthy sex life- but sounds like there was something wrong before porn.
    You made an abrupt decision that you seem to regret but if your partner’s behavior disturbs you, take some time & move on.
    You’ll find a better match.


    Dear smallpieceoflife:

    When you left the apartment you did so to express to him how angry you were with him. You did not leave so to end the relationship. Problem is he didn’t contact you, so you are in a limbo. What to do…?

    If I was you I would contact him and ask to talk with him, in a coffee place, someplace where you can hear each other but not in the apartment. There I would tell him the truth: that you left so to let him know that you are angry, and that ylou expected him to conatct you. Now you are in limbo and you need to figure out the situation you are in and what to do next.

    Listen to what he says: he may have a definite position about the relationsihip. Listne to him. If you get too emotional, take a break, that is tell him you are emotional and you want to relax and let the information that came out in the conversation settle before you proceed. Suggest to get together again for a second conversation.

    Then post here again, if you need help to figure out your next move.

    (If he is interested in re-starting the relationship with you, the porn issue will need to be dealt with, the trust issue, and your intimate issues with him, all these will need to be addressed before you figure out your next move).




    I just wanted to say that I too dislike porn and will not tolerate it in my relationship. I told my boyfriend I would leave if he continues to watch porn and he stopped. This created a lot of tension between us as well. If this is what you want/believe in then you have a right to tell your partner and then it’s up for them to decide whether they can accept it or not. Contrary to what someone said, there is a lot of research on how porn destroys relationships and decreases intimacy and relationship satisfaction. Here is one: http://www.socialcostsofpornography.com/Bridges_Pornographys_Effect_on_Interpersonal_Relationships.pdf


    I’m sure your post was directed towards me. I’m in no way suggesting she get used to porn in her relatgiionships, but to say that porn is bad & to shame those interested in it is irresponsible.
    There are underlying personality issues related to obsessive/ compulsive activities- whether it’s porn or fast food. Partners need to be on the same page.
    There’s a lot of body-shaming in society. It’s possible her boyfriend is trying to get in touch with his sexuality that wasn’t allowed.
    It’s also possible he’s a scoundrel….I am not a regular porn consumer but occasionally it turns me on. I’ve had partners completely obsessed with sex/porn & I understand that problem ad well.
    Life with moderation!
    And there are so many people out there- don’t settle for someone you feel you need to control. There will be resentment, unless they reach their behavior modification on their own terms.

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