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April 18, 2019 at 1:34 pm #289621
GiuliaParticipantYes, he is now and has made a lot of improvements since attending men’s groups and therapy for the last year. SO there is that 🙂
April 17, 2019 at 2:39 pm #289487GiuliaParticipantThank you, everyone. I had to go and take the time to think about what everyone had said. I appreciate your time. And Anita especially for re-linking to my old posts, I can see how I am not breaking through all patterns.
In answer to your questions Anita :
I moved to the UK. I spent 4 months travelling around the whole country, looking for good schools and jobs that fit around the children, and I could not find a school that was even in a ballpark of affordable or workable. Nor could I find a job. In the end, my parents could not help me any further, and in the meantime my children’s father gave up his job and threatened to move in with his mum, leaving my children with no maintenance. We do not have access to the welfare system due to having left the country for over a year. In the end, we had to move overseas again because my parents were very stressed as the house was full. I have been looking for jobs here since I arrived, and though I have two degrees and good experience was only able to get cleaning positions due to the nepotistic culture here. I cannot afford to get divorced and live separately, but I spend every day working towards that. But you are right, part of it is other people’s judgement. They see their father and he puts on a good front of being a good provider and husband, so I do fall into the trap of almost feeling ashamed, and having people say I am negative and should keep working in my marriage. BUT we have lived in separate rooms since, and have separate lives.
With regard to the school community – I think I have it in mind to rise above it in the short term, but also leave when I can.
May 31, 2016 at 11:54 am #106084GiuliaParticipantI’m sorry you’re going through this. I know that many people view porn as harmless, however I’ve come to develop a different view. It’s hard to explain but I think it trains a man to view women as vessels, that sex is a quick grunt. Women can never live up to a porn actress because that isn’t how we work. I personally need a deep connection, I need to be seen to my core. If you look on YouTube there is an excellent Tee talk called Why I No Longer Watch Porn, and Russell Brand also has a Yourube video that you could share with your BF. It’s hard to explain, as a woman to a man, and him seeing a video from another mans perspective will likely help. There is also a book called The Way of the Superior Man.
That book is by David Deida.
You are right to feel as you feel. However you also need to und compassion with your liver, he is living in a world where women are now oppressing themselves by creating a pseudo sexuality. Expressing our femininity means being in touch with our sexuality and expressing nothing less.
I’m sorry I assumed you are a woman
May 17, 2016 at 2:32 pm #104813GiuliaParticipantDear Anita
I feel like I’m slipping down again. My whole body aches, and I keep thinking I want space I want space – but the reality is I can’t have space. I feel like I’m at war with reality? This morning I started to read Anger by Tich Nhat Hahn; and it was softening but as soon as I put it down I felt angry. I went to a two hour passage meditation on Saturday, and I was so calm and centred but again as soon as I saw my family I felt angry.
I don’t know what’s going on – I think a huge part is that I am exhausted. I have hypothyroid and that doesn’t help. I really want to take my children back to England but I just cannot resource myself enough.
Perhaps I need medication, may be I need a weekend away at the moment I’m with my kids 24/7 pretty much. And I adore them – I’m introverted and I need a bit of space to reenergise. It’s just so hard to get peace.
May 6, 2016 at 2:28 pm #103791GiuliaParticipantBarraboil was unbearable! So sorry for all the typos, I’m on my phone
May 6, 2016 at 2:27 pm #103790GiuliaParticipantHello this is a nice question, but it could also be a hard one. I have three children and after my first pregnancy I changed a lot and I would definitely say for the better. It made me question everything, my son has been my greatest teacher . He has made me question every belief that I had about parenting, he has made me confront a lot of my behaviours, he has help me to see that trying to please others is not healthy, and that my relationship with him is paramount. He enabled me to see that a lot of the reasons I felt so bad about myself was not the case I was a bad person, but because I have been completely given that message as a child. So he showed me that letting my children be that authentic selves is of more importance than training them to be obedient. After I had my twins, things became very very challenging for me and I had to distance myself from my family. I bring this up as my relationship with my husband deteriorated at this point. I realise now that are as soon as I had my first Child, brought up a lot for him. He was left by his mother when he was a baby, she came back to him after two months. What I think happened for him is that when he saw me natural our babies to the level that I do, it was I’m Barrabool for him to see a baby being held aloft an aware that he never received. He shot done emotionally. I found that I was pretty much a solo mum since they were born. And apparently this is quite a common issue, but once you are aware of The fact that come be quite helpful to know. There is a book called why men leave, or maybe why fathers leave by Melvin someone. It’s a good and vital read.
May 6, 2016 at 2:13 pm #103787GiuliaParticipantThanks Anita, sorry I’ve taken so long to get to this but I somehow missed it.
I would say yes, certainly I felt no I was shamed for having emotions and not wanting to do things that my parents wanted me to do. I don’t remember much of my childhood, but I do remember that been times when my father would say now look what you’ve done you’ve upset your mother, that sort of thing. I ever remember always feeling different and odd, feeling like I was a burden, I was too much. I would be called to clingy, a drama queen, and attention seeker but the shame is the something different? I just found ashamed of being me. I feel like I can’t do anything that I want I have to think about everybody else, I have to please everybody else otherwise I am on grateful for I am selfish. I’m selfish… Yes selfish is a strong belief – ingrained.. . I have to keep myself small. And I couldn’t be happy because if I was happy then I would be shamed. And I think that is now why I choose not to let myself be happy, I keep myself small.
May 6, 2016 at 2:07 pm #103786GiuliaParticipantThank you Anita for your support. I’m still thinking on this, I’m working very hard to hold myself and making sure I have some time for self care so I manage holding my own emotions; and therefore my children’s.
It’s not all rainbows and unicorns but certainly I’ve felt a lot more empowered and calm since our communication.
Hopefully in a few weeks I’ll be travelling to the UK to check out schools and options.
April 25, 2016 at 10:59 am #102697GiuliaParticipantSorry what I meant was that you using the term irresponsible was very powerful – if not ever seen the behaviour with a distanced perspective.
I would say that is sure, that I cannot live close to family – it clouds my judgement and brings up too much triggers. I would agree that I have been blamed all my childhood – blamed for being me, for being different – blamed for being bullied. It’s a pattern
April 25, 2016 at 7:10 am #102677GiuliaParticipantI’d never voiced that before, that my husband is irresponsible towards his children – but it is clear. I think my family is fever entry against divorce so have undermined all my thoughts and feelings about his behaviour – saying he’s nice and even that I’m making him behave like this. Could be true, could not be, either ways it’s dysfunctipn right?
I agree with what you say. I actually am very clear at the moment that for the next few weeks my focus is making sure I am calm and centred for my children. I can contact the welfare system to ideograms what support would be available to us in the UK. I have found a few small nurturing schools in the south of England that operate 3 days a week and are far more nurturing than most. I think they’d be a good fit.
Thank you for support thus far, I honestly feel like somethings flicked in my brain and I’m myself again.
April 24, 2016 at 10:51 am #102614GiuliaParticipantAnd emergency not energy
April 24, 2016 at 10:50 am #102613GiuliaParticipantSorry when I have I’ve not shouted I mean since my first post
April 24, 2016 at 10:48 am #102612GiuliaParticipantI’m actually feeling uncomfortable about the way you are writing. I don’t think you have any children; nor do I think you have much compassion or understanding.
I have not raised my voice at all, not once. But I don’t think you writing repeating Te word abuser abuser abuser over and over is kind, understanding not helpful. I am well aware of the effect this has had in my children. And yes my son was born sensitive. I never raised my voice, did cry it out, hurt him at all – ever for the first four years of his life. I was highly responsive gentle and kind. Yet he was highly sensitive to stimuli. But thank you for your insight, it might come from a place of pain in you.
I am highly responsive and attentive, I had twin babies with zero support, never did cry it out, held them in my arms, with my older child on my legs. Any mother, any, left alone with zero support will abuse. It’s true – it’s nature. And that’s why I’ve taken great pains to build a community of support around me. And that’s the dilemma and anger I hold is that DH has taken this away from us so many times.
I sit with my kids every day and read for 1-2 hours. I play games with them. I respect their feelings. I listen. I respond. I put them first. I very very rarely leave them. I don’t go out, or have fiends. I give give give. And yes sometimes I break down as any human would under immense pressure, and my ticks and fleas crawl out. I’m constantly working on it. Constantly guilty. I’m constantly exhausted.
Do you know what that feels like?
I appreciate your words, I appreciate that you’re trying to make me understand the seriousness – and I already do. Otherwise I’d join the leagues of mums who punish their kids with a smile on their face because they think it’s for their own good.
I won’t ever shout again, unless there’s an energy, I feel I’ve snapped out of it. And u thank you for that. But I’m also going to stand up for myself, and reclaim my power. Because that’s what I need and my children need, a strong mother
April 22, 2016 at 11:12 am #102462GiuliaParticipantYes I read your second post – sorry we do keep reading and posting at the sane time but I have read your second and third post.
I do feel I have no control, but I know I have control. I believe both at once. It felt automatic and I know u need to address some deep seated beliefs. In the past, when I have felt rage, I have frozen myself and worked through them, not acted on them. So I have less control.
I did not look him in the eyes, I couldn’t. So there must have been a part of me that knew the pain I was creating.
April 22, 2016 at 10:59 am #102458GiuliaParticipantAnita thanks for the clarification – I agree. I think I’m starting to do too much – I’m trying to look for jobs, trying to settle all my kids in the new school, trying to cook 2-3 meals a day, trying to keep the house clean and tidy and fix it up for when we leave in a month or two. It’s all everything else than what I need to do – coming from external should and should nots
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