September 7, 2013 at 1:16 pm #41852
Does anyone have any insights on this? I have been listening to Ajahn Brahm on YouTube lately and every word that my ex has said to me are coming from the Buddhist ‘hand book’. My ex said he cares about me and that he is workkng on finding his happiness in life. Our relatiinship has taught him to put himself first. He is sorry that I am sad because of relationship ending but he wishes me well. His word to me were cold and true.
Also many wise words that I have been reading and people on this cite have said to me like parents are people first are all the believes my ex has. The more I listen and read buddhist teachings, the more I think of him cause he said those things to me. Of course this is my low esteem talking but would a true enlightened person be with an insecure person? He was for a year and a half but maybe out of charity?
I guess I am just wondering about it cause two months after our split, I still think of him and get sad. But he is blissfully happy and moved on. I know that it is what it is. .I know that everyone is different but it crushes my heart that the guy who promised the world to me has moved on…learned a lesson, found his happiness all in span of 2 months whilst I am still healing.
Is it that someone people are just better to themselves? Or is it just that they are stronger than others?September 7, 2013 at 4:34 pm #41855
You make some hearty assumptions about what he is going through. What came to heart is that perhaps there are some associations between Brahm as a loving guide and your ex… and they don’t really belong. Spiritual development isn’t about knowing, its about many other things. Said differently, just because Brahm says “your suffering arises in the mind” and the ex said “your suffering is in your head” do not make them similar.
For instance, when I was married to my first wife, I wielded insight like a weapon. If she was agitating me, I would say “you need to figure out your own difficulties.” While I still say that to people, because it is sort of true, it is not used as a weapon to “get them off my back”. Rather, it is introduced gently, warmly and lovingly to help people find their path.
This is not what your ex did, and as I remember back to the way he treated you, I doubt he has broken through and experiencing blissful joy now. Said differently, it is one thing to be able to see another’s difficulties and patterns, and it is quite another to grow through our own. However, without his input, there is only so far I choose to dive in, because it is unnecessary.
Another thing that came to heart was the rosey quality that arises after the pain settles. Often after a breakup, we heal the chaos and painful hurts, and begin to think the relationship and partner were better than they were. As we begin to heal the pain, it can become louder. I remember one ex I had where after a month of being broken up, we met for a meal and hit it off again. I thought to myself “why did I ever end the relationship… we sparkle so much together.” Then when the waitress forgot to bring her another drink, she got pissed and started judging the waitress. Then the memories started coming back, and the illusion of “WOW, she’s awesome” faded.
That whole “enlightened person being charitable” thing is garbage, throw it out. That is just more of the “sapna is at fault for everything” coming back in my opinion. He’s not enlightened, and was hardly generous to you. I know it is difficult to let go, but remember he doesn’t want to be with you. Keep self nurturing, looking deeply and letting go, and it will be a simple thing to attract a new person into your life when you’re ready. Namaste, sis.
MattSeptember 7, 2013 at 5:30 pm #41858
Yes Matt. It is what it is…
I am feeling a lot better than last week. The tears that I cry now are not for him..they are for me. They are for all the years of self hatred.
I keep thinking of my ex being great and I know he is but its taking a bit to settle in the ‘we will never ever be together’ fact. I do genuinely wish him well but its hard for me to even think of dating and he is already with someone.
I heard brahm’s be patient lecture and he talks about slowing down in life to see its beauty. All this self reflection and slowing is making me see the beauty in everyone especially my ex. I want to remember the bad times. I want to remember the difference but as I self love…my love for him surface too. Now I am just sad because of the rejection. U know what u said about your ex…at least u saw her not being so great in person. I only got to read the greatness. The very greatness. He praised me for being very strong. He praised me for being one of the smartest people he knows. He urged me to move on. He urged me to recognize the amazing woman in me…really! Haha…he also said that not saying goodbye to me in person is the only regret he has as he cares for me.
Any insights on how to not let my thoughts wonder to my ex when I self nurture by listening to brahm and other great monks?
Trust me Matt…I am healing…I know I have to be patient with myself and let myself get the answers to my questions myself.
I am going to continue to go to the CODA support group meetings.
Thanks againSeptember 7, 2013 at 5:41 pm #41859
Perhaps you could recognize wandering thoughts as wandering thoughts? Do you understand you don’t need wandering thoughts? Its just the nature of mind to wander away, like an untrained horse. It floats away, its normal, and we can gently return to our sense organs, our breath, our cooking, the speaker, etc.
MattSeptember 7, 2013 at 6:34 pm #41861
Thank you matt.
Something that pema codhron recommended in her book is to gently saying ‘thinking’ while the mind wanders during meditation.
I will try that when I am not meditating too. I do myself a great injustice by thinking about him over and over again.
NamasteSeptember 9, 2013 at 11:22 am #41949
This post got me thinking; why is that in the majority of posts about break-up we exalt the person who left us or who we left as being “the best,” “amazing”, “so awesome”, “so good”, “a god”, “a goddess”?
In reality, in the grander scheme of things, we’re all average. Over their course of their entire lives, I doubt it that anyone ever deviates too far from the median for too long on any measure we use to evaluate an individual. Therefore, objectively speaking, how can anyone be better than anyone else?
The person we’re with is usually “perfect”, but then you think to yourself, “Wait, a second, the person I was with last was also perfect at the time, is this person better than that person? Is the next person going to be better?” There’s even a social convention and pressure to speak highly of your current partner and talk about how better then were then your previous relationships. “Oh, she / he is so much better than the last person I dated. I don’t know what I was thinking with that one. I’ve got it all figured out now. This one is perfect.”
Look back at your relationships. Look all the way back to your adolescence and remember how many people you considered to be ‘perfect’, ‘awesome’. The truth is, none of them were. It was simply your mind playing tricks on you. Emotion guiding reason and the following story starts playing in your head, “If I feel so strongly about this person, then they must have been special. They must have been better the person before and there’s no certainty that I’ll meet anyone as good as them”
I’m beginning to appreciate how the mind begins to create what seem like “rational” stories in order to justify the feelings that we experience. It’s your mind justifying / rationalizing it’s actions and feelings. In short, it’s your ego being fed. Because, if you truly realized that the person was just like any other, objectively no better and no worse, your ego would crumble and rebel
“What do you mean I invested so much time and effort and emotion into something who was just average?”
That kind of thinking is unacceptable to the ego, so it exalts the other. It puts them on a pedestal in order to satisfy and secure it’s position and it’s own importance.
I think we simply meet people at different stages of our lives and depending on a given variables (interests, values, mental stability, willingness, physical attraction, etc) we’ll either connect with another person or we won’t. It has really nothing to do whether or not they’re better or worse than someone else because objectively speaking, they’re just average sacks of bone, liquid, and flesh just like anyone else. To think of them as better or worse than yourself or anyone else is a ranking game that we play to secure our ego’s position in a false and impermanent hierarchy.September 9, 2013 at 7:49 pm #41977
you are awesome! one of my favorite subjects in college was logic. what you said is so logical. Of course, I will never want to believe that the man I loved so much can ever be less than “amazing”. I won’t take the fact that my ex has been very dignified away from him but combining your words with Matt’s, it makes sense.
Now other than the memory of our time together, I have nothing of him left In me. Working on my self esteem and being positive is what I am working on now. Mind wonders to “how well he is doing without me” a lot but IT IS WHAT IT IS. I keep forgetting to look at how well I am doing. I keep forgetting how I am meditating better, treating myself better, etc.
Any logical insights on feeling “less than” because of the rejection?
thanks againSeptember 10, 2013 at 7:40 pm #42023
“less than” and “more than” are by-products of our society obsessed with self-esteem and self-worth derived from external sources and comparisons.
The remedy? I would say being open to even more rejection and disassociating yourself from it. Easier said than done I know, but imagine a life where your day to day peace of mind was not dependent on how others accepted or rejected you. It’s not pleasant being rejected, but it doesn’t have to spiral you into depression, self-judgement, self-criticism, or despair. It happens, you feel it, and you move on always knowing that that deep down inside you are a good person and deserving of love and affection.
My favorite scene from my favorite movie that encapsulates Buddhist wisdom in a nutshell: http://youtu.be/BYNElueJj_w?t=21s
“The trick is not minding that it hurts”
Also try this: http://youtu.be/IvtZBUSplr4
September 11, 2013 at 8:29 pm #42087
- This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by John.
“The trick is not minding that it hurts”
Its getting easier. I have to say. Finally its sinking in that my ex’s feeling are all his problem. Why am I taking it personally? I sent that finally email as the last “hail Mary” pass. Now I know that him and I will never be. I can see that as a blessing..very slowly.
I really don’t mind the rejection now. Its almost like I can finally breadth now. I can finally take a vacation where I wouldn’t feel guilty about just relaxing and sleeping. Yay for that! I can again be the first goofball on the dance floor and not have anyone tell me that I should “calm down”.
Thanks again Matt, JohnSeptember 12, 2013 at 5:12 am #42100