Hi all,

I’m emotionally exhausted. I’m disgusted by what happened to a friend of mine, a girl I was deeply in love with. (I’m female myself, and have previously posted about the heartbreak that happened over summer).

Long story short, she met a guy and quickly developed a relationship. I minimised our contact because I wanted to heal properly, and so far it has been working ok, despite her texts saying that she misses me deeply (whether as a friend, or as something more, I don’t know and did not ask. It really didn’t concern me.) Yesterday she texted me saying she cannot picture herself enjoying a future with the new guy, that she feels dull and rather uncertain as to whether the relationship could go anywhere. She recalls how excited and passionate she was when she was with me and picturing our future. Luckily, I wasn’t too bothered, because I know it doesn’t mean she wants to be back with me. I simply replied with an ‘okay’. I thought she just needed to vent.

Today, she texted me about the following situation. A few days ago, the new guy touched her intimate parts while they were kissing. She felt uncomfortable, and did signal him to stop doing that. He ignored, and continued to touch her even more intimate body parts. That’s when she stopped him.

Over the next two days, she told him about this, and the guy was upset, and she even needed to console him. She feels like she should please him because they are now in a relationship.

For me, listening to all these, I felt disgusted by the guy’s behaviour, I felt disgusted by the fear that she had gone through, I felt disgusted by the image of them kissing and being together. I feel so conflicted and hurt. My feelings are complicated by the jealousy I still have for her new relationship. But it wasn’t until now that I realise, I just wanted her to be happy and safe above all. When she suddenly told me all these, I just felt absolutely devastated. I would not want to see this happen to any of my friends, let alone her. I’m just drained and tired at the moment.

On the other side, I also feel hurt and insulted that this is the kind of guy she left me for. In all honesty, I don’t desire to get back with her. But when she asked me for advice and support, I felt like as if I had a stake in it – as if I had an interest in it, and so that I should not get involved. I am trying to rationally distance myself from this, but at the same time I am so emotionally connected and impacted by this, I am completely drained.

I would love to be able to give her constructive suggestions and the support she needs, but I feel so hurt about the whole thing. I’m worried about her safety as a friend, but feeling heartbroken as a person who loved her very deeply in the past.

In short, I don’t know how much of my views and worries are generated by my subjectivity/the fact that I loved her. I don’t know how to explain to her the importance of CONSENT without sounding like I’m deliberately sabotaging their relationship. I would love to hear what you, who has kindly read it, think about the situation, as an outsider and fellow human being.

• This topic was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by ccn.