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He's overthinking and retreating

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This topic contains 74 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of anita anita 1 week, 1 day ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 75 total)
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  • #137711
    Profile photo of bricklady
    bricklady
    Participant

    You are right. No initiating is key. I am relaxing and taking time for me. Expecting nothing  my IQ definitely went down in my anger.

     

    I’m breathing and working on me.

     

    Thank you

    #137771
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, bricklady. This waiting is very difficult. You are doing well.

    anita

    #138895
    Profile photo of bricklady
    bricklady
    Participant

    Interesting day.

    I had a mammogram scheduled for April and my doctor thought that was too far away as she doesn’t like how some lumps feel so I now have an appointment next week. I sent Brickman a message letting him know the reason why and he messaged back immediately asking if I wanted him to go with me. “I’m here if you need me. I know I haven’t been chatty lately (working on my stuff as you know) But I’m here for you if you need me. I know I haven’t said THAT either regularly but I am. And I’m saying it now. So there. I’m here. Honey, don’t stress ok? Keep me posted.”

     

    That was really good to hear (well read).

    #138915
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    I hope your mammogram comes out clear (I haven’t had one in… four years, I think)-

    A sweet caring response from him. It is like a make up for those ouches of recent. But dot get too encouraged about the relationship- it is too soon. Remember to give him the space he needs, to let him initiate contact.

    When is your new mammogram appointment?

    anita

     

    #139223
    Profile photo of bricklady
    bricklady
    Participant

    My appointment is this Thursday afternoon. I tried really hard not to get super encouraged after what he said on Friday afternoon. He and I messaged a little the rest of the afternoon and into the evening but had radio silence over the weekend. Giving him that space and time he needs.

    I will see my therapist today which is good because I had a rough weekend. The nights were the worst. No matter what I do during the day to wear myself out I just lay in bed awake thinking of him and the kids and missing them. It is really hard going from being with them to having such little communication. Are the kids ok? Did they do their homework and take their vitamins? Is he ok? Did he get that big project finished at work? I miss talking to them. I would love to see them when I am in town this coming weekend but am scared to say anything to him. I hate feeling like this. It’s not only the having no control over what’s going on, its that my life was turned over and rattled so hard that nothing is laying right now.

    #139241
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    I re-read all your posts on this thread, to learn something new, look at things anew. I wasn’t clear about the ages before. You are about 37 and he is 47. You met May 2016. You met his children for the first time July 2016. Previously in your life you had a few long term relationships (including a marriage), none lasting more than 3 years or so. He had a long term relationship, a marriage, and currently has three children, one 23 year old daughter and two minor children. His wife left him, is living far away from them all, and her contact with her children is infrequent. Recently he felt that the relationship with you was moving too fast and that neither he nor his children- at least the two minor children- were ready for a new wife/ mother figure in their lives.

    Interestingly enough, he suggested you move in with them December last year and it was you who were not ready, correct? Noticing how currently attached you are to them (“I love his family and I long to live there, to be part of it, every day for the rest of my life”), can you tell me why you did not take him up on his offer to move in with them all December 2016?

    Reminders: on 2/26 you wrote that you told Brickman something like this: “You need time, no problem. Take it. I support you 1000%. I want you to work through this and be happier. There is no time table on how long this will take.”- need to keep your word to him.

    Your therapist told you, you wrote on 3/2: “Don’t ask when can you see the kids or him. He knows you want to. Let him be the one to contact you.”

    On 3/7, you wrote: “My therapist suggested that I reply to him when he contacts me but not to initiate anything.”

    A new thought regarding your entry on 3/8: “his son is having a hard time with missing his mom and balancing his stress and schoolwork… He and the kids have had a lot of talks about their mom and the kids are having trouble processing everything.”- I am having a clearer understanding of the challenge here: the kids’ mother’s departure from their lives is still fresh for them. They are not ready for a “new mom”- you. Reads to me that he made the right choice, changing the relationship with you so to give his kids- and himself- time and opportunity to process what happened.

    Waiting for your answer, if you will, to the question above, and your thoughts and feelings otherwise.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Profile photo of anita anita.
    #139255
    Profile photo of bricklady
    bricklady
    Participant

    I am 35 (36 in less than two weeks) and he is 45.

    When he asked me last summer to move in this past December, I wanted to wait to get to know the children and establish a good and solid relationship with them, which he was in agreement with for me to move in the summer of 2017. In January he was nervous about me moving in and we talked about in depth for a while deciding to postpone moving in till the time felt right. The kids love me and want me there living with them full time (at least the younger ones did, they often stated it)

    The mother’s departure is hard on the kids. They cry at night and can’t understand they she left and had to move 20+ hours away. Frankly Brickman still doesn’t understand. When the kids ask her she is vague in her answer. He is angry and frustrated that she left and he is working with his therapist on that. The kids see their about being sad and missing her.

    I can understand that the kids are hurting, and witnessing their pain hurts us. What parent wants to see their child hurting?

    I personally wish that I could spend some time with them. Take them to the local festival I’m going to this weekend which they would love, and out to lunch. Brickman mentioned to his friend last week that the kids want to spend time with me. I just don’t know if I wait for him to bring it up or if I should.

    #139263
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    You wrote in your last sentence: “I just don’t know if I wait for him to bring it up or if I should”- what about your therapist advice that you initiate nothing with him (the quotes in my last post to you)?

    You wrote in your last post: “witnessing their (the children’s) pain hurts us. What parent wants to see their child hurting?”-

    In “hurts US”- it is as if, in your own mind, you and the father are ONE, bricklady and Brickman, as if you are a couple, parents of these children. Not yet. You have rushed the process, from one point on, fast forwarded it.

    anita

    #139265
    Profile photo of bricklady
    bricklady
    Participant

    I will wait for him to bring it up. It needs to be on him.

    ASadly, I am still thinking as co parents as being in that position for a while. It hurt me to see them cry and be upset. It hurt him too.

    #139281
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    It is for your best interest, as well as Brickman’s, as well as his children’s, that you are aware of, and that you accept the reality, that by this very point, in reality, you and Brickman are not a couple. You are not co-parents. His children are not your children.

    The attachment to him and to his children, your feeling of safety in the idea of an instant family, I imagine, brought you much comfort, but it is not serving you well at this point because it is not based on reality. It may be, in the future, but it is not so now.

    Resist reality and you prolong your distress; accept it, you feel temporary discomfort and long term calm. That calm will promote your best interest.

    anita

     

    #139293
    Profile photo of bricklady
    bricklady
    Participant

    You’re right. I do need to work on that.  I am not there. I cannot be thinking like that. Easier said than done. I wish I could just turn off that part of my brain that makes me miss them.

    I had a good visit with my therapist today. We talked about how to approach him about talking to the kids but a lot of how the mixed signal Brickman is sending. She suggested an over the counter aid in helping me to stabilize my mood and be able to sleep at night so I will look for that. I also have an appointment with my GP  next week to talk about my anxiety and depression per my therapists suggestion as well.

    I hate that I am like this. I have never been this kind of person, to be sad and lonely and miserable, constantly, endlessly. It’s really hard to move past it.

    #139301
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    Regarding the thought that Brickman is sending mixed signals: remember that his initial assertion was to end ALL contact with you, which was a very clear signal. It was you who approached him repeatedly, individually and through mutual friends, to take a middle way: have you come over less often, and so forth.

    I think your pain, currently, has to do not only with the current situation, but with what pushed you so intensely into adopting this instant family concept, the loneliness before this strong attachment. Did you talk with your therapist about your attachment-history, starting with your parents, as the child that you were?

    anita

    #139305
    Profile photo of bricklady
    bricklady
    Participant

    We talked about it on my initial visit with her. But haven’t really gone into depth since. I know I have had problems in the past with separation anxiety and that is has resurfaced with my current situation. I will make a note to talk to her next week about it.

     

    He did send a clear signal by wanting to end all communication and about that initial talk with him (before our in-person chat) he did talk to our mutual friends who encouraged him to not do that. When we had out in person chat a few weeks ago he was the one that said he didn’t want to go through this without me.

    He needs time to work on him. I guess part of me wants some small reassurance that he knows I am here for him but it’s not my place to ask that I suppose.

    #139311
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    The people present in your relationship with him, besides you and him, and the children, are also his ex wife, your exes, and maybe most influential, his parents and your parents- they are ALL there- what a party, huh?

    If you had a very different childhood than the one you had, your experience with him would have been different. Same with him. This is why it is important to examine the past- to see how it affects the present.

    Your separation anxiety from before, from childhood, most likely, is fueling your current distress. Before the current separation from Brickman, your separation anxiety played a big part in the dynamics then, in how strongly you got attached to him/ the instant family and how that attachment expressed itself.

    Your last sentence, that you want “some small reassurance” but “it’s not (your) place to ask”- bitterness there, isn’t it? Thing is, a small reassurance will not satisfy for long, not with an active separation anxiety.

    I think you are doing very well, going to therapy, following up on your therapist’s recommendations, and doing your best overall. I wish it was easier for you. This is a long term process, your individual healing as well as doing your best in this relationship. You always have the option to terminate the relationship- to give up  on it- you don’t have to keep going. But if you choose to keep at it, you will need more… and more patience. Keep posting, anytime.

    anita

    #139805
    Profile photo of bricklady
    bricklady
    Participant

    I have been pretty stressed this week about my mammogram today.  Brickman and I have been in correspondence this week and last night I messaged him about how I am nervous and worried. He was encouraging, telling me to not worry or be concerned until the doctor says something is wrong. To take each day, one day at a time. Just like life right now. One day at a time.

     

    I’ll post how it went later on.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 75 total)

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