Menu

He's overthinking and retreating

HomeForumsRelationshipsHe's overthinking and retreating

This topic contains 74 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 75 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #129479

    bricklady
    Participant

    Hello again!

    I met with a new therapist for me Friday morning what a world of difference! I felt stronger and had questions for when I met my guy yesterday.

    He and I talked for several hours yesterday about where he is in his head. He’s lost. He is finally processing that his exwife selfishly abandoned him and his kids. He’s upping his own therapist appintments. He is not cutting me out of his life. We are remaining friends, best friends first and foremost. And we are also slowing things way down. I’m not going to go out there as often nor will stay as long.

    We talked about what he can say to his kids, “daddy is taking some time right now to think about everything that has happened this past year. I am still friends with bricklady, as you are. You can call, email, text her at anytime. And we will see her soon”

    It was super freaking hard unpacking all my stuff last night. He gave it all back to me and said probably 20+ times that it was so I could have my things while he takes this time to work on himself. That he wants/hopes it will be all back over at his house.

    So I have a lot more hope than I did earlier this week. It’s going to be hard changing the routine of not being with that family for a while. I need to work on ways to be supportive and not smothering. He was so surprised that I was like, “you need time, no problem. Take it. I support this 1000%. I want you to work through this and be happier. There is no time table on how long this will take.”

    #129483

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    I like what he planned to say to his kids, maybe already did.

    I wonder: what did your therapist suggest to you regarding this situation and will you see him/ her again? If so, is there a plan of action suggested by the therapist?

    Regarding the hope you mentioned- having too much of it can make you, over time, impatient and frustrated, if things don’t change for a long time. Watch that hope so it … doesn’t get out of hand.

    When you told him: ” “you need time, no problem. Take it. I support this 1000%. I want you to work through this and be happier. There is no time table on how long this will take.”- I understand you meant it, and felt good saying it. The thing is, it will not be easy to maintain this attitude day after day, week after week, if that is how long it takes. Maybe months with no end in sight.

    Prepare for the long haul. Reality is all your stuff that was in his place were removed and none is in his place. This is a separation move, not a getting-together move.

    Temper your hope, keep it like glowing embers, not a flaming fire.

    anita

    #129493

    bricklady
    Participant

    The reality that my stuff being gone from his place is hard. Occasionally the thought of it being a seperation move as well Pops in my head. And we even talked of that yesterday. I want to have hope and believe him when he says it’s only for while he’s working on himself.

    We have tentative plans to have time together in the next few weeks. We’ve talked and agreed on taking a class together on a hobby he does. He’s in communication more since we’ve talked.

    The time apart is going to suck. If we continue to be more open with each other I pray that in the end it will bring us closer together. I know he loves me as he knows I love him.

    Something he is going to work on his how to prioritize and get a handle on how he worries about things. Its a large cause of his anxiety and I think when he works on that a lot of other stuff will fall into place.

    I see my therapist on Tuesday morning. I really liked her. I felt like she listened a lot and had questions and insights that made sense.

    #129537

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    A reconciliation, a getting back together is very possible. After all, he changed his mind from having no contact with you to having contact with you, beyond moving your stuff away from his home (communicating since yesterday, I understand, the plans regarding his hobby).

    It is possible that there will be a getting back together following a failed attempt, on his part, to resolve his issues, and then he may get confused all over again. Prepare for all possibilities, is what I am suggesting.

    I hope you benefit much from your therapy. I don’t remember reading that he will attend individual therapy for himself (?)

    Post again any time you like, for as long as it helps somewhat and for as long as it doesn’t contradict or hinder your experience in your therapy.

    anita

    #130645

    bricklady
    Participant

    Yesterday was hard. He sent photos throughout the day of what he and the kids were doing which did help and we texted a little last night. I think I will have to get some sort of routine going to help me fill my time and get stronger.

    Mondays, movie or walking.
    Tuesdays & Weds work late go home and crash
    Thursdays dinner with friends.
    Friday, walking
    Saturday and sunday will be the worst. Lunch with friends, clean the house, movies, play pinball, hiking, anything to fill the time.

    Change has always been hard for me and this is throwing me for a loop.

    #130657

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    I like you preparing a routine- routine is sameness, and so it is comforting, keeps you feeling safer when confronted by change, as change feels threatening, especially to an anxious person.

    As you follow your routine, see what works for you and what doesn’t and keep editing your planned routine/ schedule. Perfect your planned routine over time so that it serves you well. Hope you keep posting.

    anita

    #131697

    bricklady
    Participant

    Morning.

    I had a session with my therapist today, telling her how the weekend went and the discussion my fellow and I had. She had some insightful things to share.

    Meanwhile, I have some friends who in my opinion are not supportive of how my guy and I are transitioning. While I want them to say “You are making what you believe is the right choice and I support you” They are instead saying the opposite. One lit into me so bad last night I had an anxiety attack at dinner and walked out of the restaurant. If I feel like I need to share with my friends she suggested that I preface my sharing with, “I need to talk/vent without needing a response back” If my friends are capable of listening, great; if not, great and I then I can not share with them.

    I am struggling with my anxiety so we are going to work on that next week. And she liked my idea of a routine, to keep my life going and not staring at the clock watching the minutes tick by.

    So that’s where I am today, breathing and keeping calm.

    #131713

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    Good morning to you. I like reading your updates/ entries and hope you continue, for as long as it is helpful to you. Clearly, managing your anxiety about the uncertainty of this relationship is of first priority for you, daily, at this point. Focus best you can on the routine. You can post here anytime and I will reply every time, when I am in front of the computer.

    anita

    #131727

    bricklady
    Participant

    Thank you! It definitely helps me to process whats going on and even if it get me through the anxiety of that one moment of the day It helps.

    He and I have been in contact, I am giving him his time and space that he requested and I know he sees that I am respecting him.

    I spoke to my therapist today about his older daughter, how she speaks to him, treats him which is horrible and demeaning. She suggested that I mention to our mutual friends about how his older daughter speaks and treats him. But it goes back to how he needs to work on dealing with conflict, which he does not do well with. It makes me wonder if his ex wife spoke to him the way his oldest daughter does, if they ganged up on him together. I know he sees that how his daughter treats him, but he fears conflict so he buries his head and hides from it. If I said anything I don’t think he would process what I say, but coming from his best friends he might process it. His oldest daughter has a large influence on him, positive once in a while, but more on the negative side in my opinion. She is living at home until December 2018. This is something I think we will be dealing with for a while.

    #131733

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    You are welcome. His fear of conflict is congruent with breaking up with you wanting no contact at all. Clearly, that was his way to avoid excess conflict in his life (“breaking up” with his older daughter was/is not an option for him (how old is she?)

    And clearly, presenting conflicts to him, on your part, is not the wise thing to do as long as you are hoping for a relationship with him. Later on, peaceful resolution of conflict, that is something he needs so to resolve conflicts in the future.

    anita

    #131747

    bricklady
    Participant

    His daughter is 23. She moved back home when the mother moved about & away, to help get the kids to & from school and maintain a “normalcy in the house” Which is code for she bosses her siblings around to do chores and does none herself.

    #131803

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    She is legally an adult. You wrote before that he has sole custody of his kids, so he must have two minor kids and an adult daughter? And his adult daughter lived there while you stayed over? I can’t imagine that not being difficult, especially her being bossy, as you wrote. If I understand it correctly, two minor children and an adult daughter, that is more complicated than I thought.

    How are you feeling this evening (if it is evening where you are)?

    anita

    #131829

    bricklady
    Participant

    Hi, I’m okay this evening, how are you?. I exercised and am settling in with a book.

    He has a legal aged daughter and two minors. It is more complicated than I thought as well. I guess I could had sat down with her initially and had a chat about me not trying to replace their mom, wanting to be friends, and how can we work together, etc but we never did that.

    It’s a pickle.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  bricklady.
    #131843

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bricklady:

    Glad you are doing fine this evening. I am okay, thank you for asking, tired. Very tired, actually.

    A pickle indeed. Maybe in a future time, if/ when you live with him and his two minor children and the 23 year old, (and the dog?), you will be looking back at this very evening with longing and nostalgia for the time when… you had the time to spend an evening alone, at peace, reading a book.

    anita

    #131897

    bricklady
    Participant

    I pray everyday that I will have nights where I am with them and look back at what we are going through and think about how far we have come.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 75 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.