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I am in pain and struggling

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  • #65003
    Howard C
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,
    This blog and everyone’s comments have been very encouraging for me, even though our (breakup)experiences are different.
    I am in very deep pain & grief now.
    I am having sleepless nights, will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, have not eaten for days.
    I broke up with my girlfriend 4 days ago. She asked me to leave her apartment, packed and returned all my stuffs to me. It is all too sudden and a shock for me, knowing that just 1 week

    ago, we were still together.
    We stayed together sometimes, travel to many places together, had many good times. We were even thinking of getting a house together and get married (we both had
    Recently she told me that she felt that she was not good enough for me and that she felt we are moving too fast and felt pressure (I regretted not recognising this warning sign then),

    even though she said I was a good and kind boyfriend for her.
    She keep feeling sorry and I try to re-assure her that she is a good girlfriend for me and no need to compare herself to others and I asked her not to feel pressure.
    After an arguement we had last Friday (which is my fault), she broke down and cried. She cried till Saturday and told me to leave her apartment, that she want to have a distance from

    me, needs to be alone. She told me she wants to break up and we cannot be couple anymore.
    Before I left her apartment (I did not want to leave, but I knew that is best at that time), I stayed beside her and tried to hug her as much as I can, kiss her forehead, reassuring her

    that I am always here for her when she needs me. I also told her I love her and thank her for everything. She told me she cannot tell me now if she love me. I told her ok, no need to worry

    and not to think so much. All she told me was “Thank you for everything”
    I told her I will wait but she ask me not to say that as it will make her feel pressured. I said “I love you” but she did not reply.
    After that day, she did not send me any messages from her.
    When I sometimes email to ask her how she is, or encourage her to have her meals properly etc. told her she can always contact me if she wants to, that I am like her Sunlight, far but

    feel near.
    She will only say “thank you”, “take care of yourself”. I try to show her that I am ok (so she will not worry), but i am suffereing inside
    I am trying now not to send any messages to her even though deep down inside me I want to. I know I need to give her space. It pains me that she did not message me. Everyday, I am just

    waiting for her message…
    There are times when I am struggling very badly that I feel that I need to be strong and not give her worries by emailing her msgs like “I miss you”, “lets fix our relationship” , I

    need you”, “please do not break up” at least not for now. Will try not to contact her too I do not want her to worry or feel bad
    I do not want to rush to send the letter now, because I know that anything that is send in inpulse is not good.
    I will follow the 48 hour rule (even 72 hour rule, smile). If it takes me 2-3 months to write this letter, I will wait. It is just so painful for me now. I am suffering inside

    (but have to put on a smile because of my work).
    I cry myself to sleep everyday, waiting for her contact that never come, in fear of the future that she will never come back or she meet someone new (and many other fears).
    I am having sleepless nights, will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, have not eaten for days.
    I have never blame or feel anything bitter towards her.
    All I can feel towards her is gratitude and for her happiness (this feeling never changed for day 1)
    I am now writing a letter to her.
    I will compile and write out my thoughts and true feelings, a little at a time, every day. I want to tell her how I really feel and I am grateful to

    her. I want to tell her she is a good girlfriend. I want to tell her how wonderful she is for me.
    I regretted not telling my true feelings when we were together.
    She do not know how much happiness she brought to my life and the many mountains that she helped me to climb…I want her to know that.
    I am a buddhist so I keep her photo behind Buddha photo in my home, at least that ease the pain of seeing her photo now and know that she is safe with the Buddha (good idea isn’t it smile)
    Sorry for the long message. I am in pain
    Thanks everyone for reading…

    #65004
    SIngh
    Participant

    Howard,

    First of all, I have been in your shoes before, last year in fact. I will also tell you that I made some of the same mistakes as you initially after break up, like calling her, begging even once while crying to her on the phone. However, after a few days I pulled my shit together, despite the pain and took the first step: NO Contact.

    The first step towards what exactly Singh, growing 6 more inches? No my friend, the first step towards bringing yourself back and better than ever! You see Howard, we often get comfortable in relationships and we then become dependent on our significant other for our happiness. Our entire lives and livelihoods rest on one pillar. What if that pillar were to be snapped?

    Well, the answer to that question is what you are going through right now, and it sucks, for the time being. So, this is about you not me so I will tell you in short what happened to me after that break up a year ago:

    I entered no contact (without warning), healed myself, rid myself of as much dependency on her as I could, and most of all, worked on ME. The end result was a month later: we got back together, with her realizing that she wants to be with me.

    So now that you know it works (this is just a tiny example, many more are out there), start it right NOW. Do not send that silly letter, I repeat, do NOT send it. You must enter no contact right now, because you two are over, let me reword that: your old relationship is over, done.

    No contact is for you my friend, for you to correct your wrong in being dependent on her for happiness and completeness. Listen to me, this is a blessing man, for if this hadn’t happened, then how would you realize that you only need you to make you happy? You wouldn’t, until the **** hit the fan in the future and in a much more hurtful situation (imagine if this happened when you got married).

    This pain you are feeling, accept it, let it in, feel it for a bit. The pain will go away, and your diet will return, I promise you that %100 with a time-back guarantee if it doesn’t (because you spent time reading this, not money, get it?). The biggest mistake you can make in this moment and during this period of pain and hurt is to not work on yourself, to not take this opportunity to better your best and LOVE YOURSELF to the fullest.

    You see, when you have absolute faith and confidence back in yourself, then there will be nothing that can rip your happiness away ever again. Read this website, research and learn how to do affirmations. These are extremely powerful and will be an excellent tool in helping you rid yourself of the pain and help you become the confident stud that you were when you met this girl AND MORE. Now I’m not in possession of any pysch-degree or therapeutic license, I’m just another guy who has been through this (and is going through this at a different stage) telling you that it works and this is what you must do.

    Do not contact her for at least a month. Don’t do it, and read up more about no contact to get a better understanding. Remember, this is not about you being mean to her and having revenge, no contact is about you getting your life back and better than ever (I can’t stress the “better than ever” part enough, it is true). Forgive (not to her face) for any hurt she caused you, and most importantly forgive yourself too. Look in the mirror and say it.

    Believe in yourself Howard, you have what it takes to do anything you put your mind to, all you gotta do first is love yourself and have complete confidence in yourself. This will be hard yes, but you will do it I’m certain. Do you know how I know that? Its because you have no choice. You have no choice but to be all you can be and be the only one responsible for your own happiness.

    Go to the gym, see friends, see family, start a new hobby, dedicate more time to your career, education: you have so much more time now in your life, use it to better yourself, not to pity yourself.

    In good time, find out what went wrong in the relationship and search deep and hard after the pain to find out whether she is really worth being with again. I too got the whole “I feel you’re too good for me” crap, and you know what? She’s right, I am, and I am getting even “gooder” as the days go by, as I work on myself in all aspects and love myself.

    Once you get over her and are completely fine with the breakup, you will come to a crossroad, and one of the paths that you can choose (yea, YOU will be the one with the power to choose) just might be to start a new relationship with your old girlfriend if you so choose, but you will have options.

    Sincerely,

    Singh

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by SIngh.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by SIngh.
    #65007
    SIngh
    Participant

    Keep us posted, people are here for you, your family and friends and those who read your story here on TinyBuddha. You will get through this and you will become great, better than ever 🙂

    #65011
    Howard C
    Participant

    Hi Singh
    Thanks very much for your encouraging words. I am sorry to hear that you had a similar experience last year, but I am very happy to hear that all is well now between you are your beloved partner.
    I will try my best (and with Buddha support) to get better and recover.
    Yes, I need to love myself and be happy with myself. Before I met her, I had a failed marriage (I divorced 2 years ago, again my fault). We both had divorce experiences.
    I will try to forgive myself. But in some ways, I hope she can be happy, eat well, and forgive herself and not think badly of herself . It pains me a lot that I was the one who hurt her and made her cried.
    All I can do now is to let the Buddha take care of her on my behalf
    (Sorry for using the word “Buddha”many times here, I am a practicing Buddhist)

    Thanks again Signh for your empathy and support. I will follow your advices as much as I can

    Thanks & Gassho,
    Howard

    #65013
    SIngh
    Participant

    Howard, don’t mention it. And the current pain im in now is because that relationship just ended a week ago (yes we got back together last year, and it didn’t work again). This happened for several reasons but the main one I will tell you now is because I didnt learn from my mistakes from the first break up hahaha. All is good though, I take this as a message that I have things to work on that I’d never realize unless this relationship ended.

    Sooo…. to you my friend, don’t make the same mistakes again like I did, when you get your mojo back, never forget it and never forget that you believe in yourself. The moment you forget and go back to the old ways is the moment you lose again. But you won’t do that.

    I understand that you hope she can be happy and well and all, that is an extremely noble quality that you have and that comes from true love. I say extremely because it is all to common to feel anger and scorn after a break up, but that is not like you so that is awesome.

    On the other hand, and again, you got this. Its good to feel the emotion you have right now, its healthy to cry it out, its cleansing in a way. Don’t concern yourself over her, for how can you care for another if you cannot care for yourself to the fullest? Once you are at peace with yourself and have complete faith in yourself, you will be ready to love another again.

    No need to be sorry about using that word, you have faith that she will be alright, now have faith that you will be too 🙂

    Some things happen for a reason, I try not to attribute much “fault” to myself in that it makes me think that an outcome could have been avoided. If we had hindsight then this would be okay to feel, but we don’t.

    So keep looking forward and there are great things out there waiting to happen to you. But there’s a catch, they will only happen if you believe that they will and expect them all the same because you know that you are awesome and worthy of happiness.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by SIngh.
    #65015
    Howard C
    Participant

    Hi Singh
    Thanks very much for your reply!
    I cried when I read your reply. But those were not tears of sorrow but tears of joy. Thanks very much again
    I know you also love your partner, if not she will not be back last year. There is a reason (call it destiny if you like) that you met her (out of the billions of people in this world)
    I will pray for you that all will turn out for the better for you, I really do. Do not give up my friend!!!
    Your happiness is my happiness too!

    Thanks
    Howard

    #65037
    marblewings
    Participant

    Dear Howard

    I am sorry to hear that you are in such pain. Two days ago my (ex) boyfriend broke up with me for the same reasons, the same old song ‘I can’t make you happy, you are too good for me…’ I cried my eyes out and begged him for a chance, he refused saying that he didn’t deserve that chance. I just couldn’t understand why not, why I didn’t worth a try and I came to the same conclusion as Singh, I am better than him, he’s right and I am too good and because I do believe that I have done the following:

    1/ I have deleted him from all social media, his number, his friends, his family. I have cut all kind of link with him. This way I avoid the circle of ‘he’s not texting me, I will send him a text a see how he’s doing, he’s not replying or he didn’t reply what I expected’ and then more tears, more regret. more pain… The situation is painful itself, so please don’t add anything on top and avoid any contact or painful memories such as pictures, texts, emails…delete that from your new life.

    2/ I called all my friends and explained what has happened and what he said so they can be objective with the situation and stop me from fooling myself. Also, they keep me company, which I really appreciate right now because it eases the emptiness.

    3/ I cry a lot, I feel in pain and I miss him a lot…but I don’t beat myself up about it. It is the natural way, re-birth is always a struggle, but the result worth the battle. You (and me) will be a new person after this, bigger and better. You may not see this now, but trust yourself and keep going.

    4/ I have focused on all the positive in my life, my job, my friends, my family and all the positive within me: I am smart, lovable, worthy, etc Talk to yourself on the mirror, write a love letter to yourself, advise yourself what you would advise to your best friend.

    I know this situation sucks, but trust that this too shall pass. You will recover and you will smile again. Good things will come along too.

    I hope this helps you a bit 🙂

    All the best

    #65039
    Howard C
    Participant

    Hi Marblewings
    Thanks very much for your reply.
    I am sorry to hear that
    I admire your courage. I do not know how I can survive
    But thank you, I wish and pray that you do not have to go through all of this…..

    Howard

    #65041
    marblewings
    Participant

    Hi Howard

    You will survive, believe me, I have been through a lot of hard things in my life and I have always survived. Don’t be scared, choose to smile, choose to live

    Carry on and things will fall into place

    #65043
    Howard C
    Participant

    Hi Marblewings
    Thanks again
    I somehow feel that he still have feelings for you (sorry if I am wrong), that feeling might be confusion, guilt, or any feeling that is deep inside him
    Live the best life for yourself now, take good care of yourself, if you need to (or want to) stop/cut contact for some time
    But one day, when you are ready or when you want to (no obligation) forgive him, even not as a ex(boyfriend) but as a human
    I for one would feel bad if I hurt someone that bad
    You are a super girlfriend for him!!!
    I am praying for both of you

    All the best my friend

    Howard

    #65044
    marblewings
    Participant

    Thanks Howard!

    I know he has feelings for me, I know he loves me, but he is paralysed by fear and it is not about what I would like it to be, it;s about what I deserve.
    I have no hard feelings for him, the other way around, but I am vulnerable right now and not being in contact is helping me to build up a new core and protect myself for further damage.
    Love must be something that flows, not something constricted by a lack of warmth. We have to learn the hard way that not everybody is on the same page, but that’s life
    Thanks for your prays, I am very confident you will overcome this situation too
    Choose the sunny side and everyday you will feel a bit better and a bit is much more than nothing 🙂

    #65092
    Bina
    Participant

    Hello Sur, I will follow your advise about no contact. I realize I have to work on myself, I get so involved in the other person, I get blind sided.

    #65110
    Howard C
    Participant

    Hi Bina
    I hope and pray that all is well with you (and get better)
    Even though I wrote in this forum to talk about my pain and hurts, I am glad that everyone can come together to share and support each other

    Let us know how you are getting alone

    Take Care,
    Howard

    #65186
    SIngh
    Participant

    Hey guys, sorry for the late response, I had a busy few days. Don’t mention it Howard, and btw I’m feeling pretty happy right now where I am and how much I’ve grown in just a week since my breakup, so you should be feeling pretty happy too hahaha.

    Also, how are things going with you over the past few days? It’s still pretty fresh, but I imagine things are getting a little bit better no?

    Marblewings, good on you, you seems to be on the right track too. You know we should be thanking these people for identifying that we are too good, because how else would we realize that we deserve so much more and that we can reach even greater heights?

    Hey Bina, that is the mature decision to make, as no contact is for you, and you know that what you need more than anything right now is yourself, so keep it up!

    Guys keep doing what you’re doing, keep smiling and keep loving yourselves! If it were easy, then everybody would do it. Keep fighting and conquer your minds, flush out worries and guilt and regret. Once that happens, we fill up that emptied space with confidence and the reality we make for ourselves (which is that we are in control of every frame, and nothing can stop us…. unless you plan on robbing a bank, because then the bank manager would likely stop you with his shotgun, yea, they have shotguns im pretty sure, according to batman).

    #65337
    marblewings
    Participant

    Hello everyone

    I hope you are all doing better and things are improving (even if it’s just a little bit)

    It’s very nice and comforting to receive support from strangers that are going through the same, I really appreciate and feel the good intentions 🙂

    It’s been a week now and this is like an emotional roller-coaster, but like on all roller-coasters, sometimes you’re up, sometimes your’re down, sometimes extremely excited, sometimes very scared. But also know, like on every roller-coaster, the ride will end and you will walk away knowing that you got over it, so please, keep going, keep pushing yourself through all the emotions…it will pass

    Sometimes I feel desperate of not knowing anything from him, but if I have to be honest with myself, I do much better this way. I don’t know what the future will bring me (us) but I know I have to rebuild myself, grew strong, find happiness…otherwise I won’t be able to be with anyone ever again.

    I hope this helps you

    All my best for all of you and never give up on yourselves!

    Lots of hugs!

    Maria

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