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I seldom write expressive posts like these, so I apologize for any lack of details.
I am a guy and I have a rather close buddy, (let’s call him Aaron).
Aaron and I have been friends for about 3-4 years, and I see him as a close friend of mine. I don’t have many friends, as I went through depression in the past, many of my friends (at that time) left me. Now with my smaller group of friends, I would say Aaron is one of my few physical male friends (I also have online gaming friends I’m close with).
Arron and I do typical guy activities like play video games, sports, have a few beers and occasionally watch some movies (mainly action). However, Aaron isn’t the type to text, online chat, and he rarely makes phone calls. The only time he’ll talk is when in person.
And me, I’m rather the opposite. I will text, message, email, online chat with my friends. However, in person I don’t talk as much since I’ve became more reluctant to talk about myself since my depression. But, I am now slowly leaving that realm and becoming more of myself again, wanting to express myself like before.
Aaron did not know of my depression, and I have told him about it rather recently (about 2 months ago). In the past though, when I try to be myself in front of Aaron, he would say “why are you acting so weird/strange/not being yourself”.
I had hoped telling him about my incident would strengthen our friendship and allowed us to understand each other more. However, I feel like nothing has really changed.
More so, our hangouts are becoming less frequent, maybe because of work, school, or life? Our weekly hangouts now turns into monthly (sometimes longer) events. And because we don’t talk to each other unless in person, there’s no communications between us for a very long time. I do try to start a conversation via text messages or social media, yet he only applies with simple answers like “k” or “yes/no/maybe”, there is no chance to continue a conversation. As well, most of the time now, it’s me who plans our next hangout, he used to plan (still rarely), but has recently stopped doing so.
I feel as though our friendship is drifting apart, when we do hangout, it’s as though as we’re just catching up with each others life. I don’t understand why I’m the one to initiate everything. It also seems like, the more I try to get to know him, the more he distances himself or puts up a defensive wall.
When we do converse in person, he is a bit of a narcissist, talking mostly about himself. He mainly talks about the great time he had with his other friends, he would mock me for the limited friends I have, why I’m not into typical guy things (sports/cars/beer/etc), and our conversations has been becoming more surface than surface level that’s pertaining to the same few subjects over and over again (school/work/girls/weather/).
Whenever we hang out, it seems as though his is not entirely there. Physically he is, yet mentally/emotionally he doesn’t seem to be enjoying himself. Yet he seems so enthusiastic when he’s with his other friends (I have never hung out with him when he is with his other friends, therefore I cannot 100% confirm this)
I do plan to confront Aaron regarding our friendship once he gets back, (he’s working out of town at the moment).
I don’t have many people to ask, so I want your opinion, is this a friendship that’s dying? Or do guys in general act like this? (Aside from me). Aaron just seems so foreign to me now, he is a good friend, and I don’t want to lose a friend like him. However, I just don’t understand if this is how normally guys interact with each other, or is he going through something that he isn’t tell me about? (I do care a lot about his well-being).
I know I have been over thinking this, but I want you guy’s opinion on this, and hopefully I’ll realize something more it.
Sorry for long post, here’s a smiley face =D
Hi lost-owl, I saw your post yesterday and took it upon myself to think about what to do in your situation overnight. It is, after all, the first time I’m posting advice in a forum. I wanted to make sure I am not judgmental nor insensitive.
That being said, a lot of people may come to you with advice but it is important that you are happy with the choice you make.
There is obviously a clear desire on your part to maintain a friendship with Aaron, but you are not satisifed with his behavior. It may help to delineate exactly what your expectations of a friend are. You can make a list and keep it to yourself. When asked why you value him so much, your answers are mainly highlighting his loyalty. He is one of the few friends who did not abandon you during your battle with Depression. Thus, you reward Aaron with this title of being a “close buddy”. It is true that you both don’t share similar interests anymore, but What other attributes do you like in Aaron? Is he kind to the people you love? Is he helpful/reliable/thoughtful? Is he meeting the qualifications on the list that you just created? The main question to ask yourself here is: are you friends with Aaron out of obligation? Feeling grateful to someone is different than feeling indebted to him.
If you have decided that Aaron hasn’t made the cut, that’s okay. This is your life, and you have the right to reject any negativity that is presented to you. However, if you have decided that there are still some redeeming qualities in Aaron, you need to understand that like any relationship – this friendship will take work. People always say, “if it feels like you’re trying to hard in a friendship then it isn’t worth it”, and that a “true friendship shouldn’t feel like work”. I huge part of me wants to tell you that it is not true, that like all relationships you need to work hard to maintain them. But lost-owl, they are right. A friendship should take SOME work, but with open communication and mutual respect it shouldn’t be exhausting. But it should for the most part feel easy and light, like home in another person. I’m starting to realize this now at 22 years old…
Anyways, one thing I’d really like you to work on is the “fitting in” mind set. Everyone wants to be accepted by society, and sometimes we try to measure our successes by comparing them to an average of society. For example: If the average annual income is $50,000 and I am making $40,000 I feel like a failure. If you could google “average # of friends to have by age 22” and retrieve a finite number, then you could measure your social success. Precisely why people from all over the world come to forums just like these, to find others who may accept them. It’s not a bad thing. Still, i’m sure you feel like it would be great if you didn’t “need” to come here. It would feel great to not NEED advice, and to feel normal on your own.
I think the source of your suffering is really stemming from your attachment to “normalness”. Once you can understand that everything is temporary, I’m sure you will begin to see just how much kindness there is all around you. For example, lets say that your friendship with Aaron is temporary, but you obviously had some wonderful times with him. The lady at the checkout register is only temporary, but maybe she gave you a genuine smile that brightened up your day. Similarly, feeling normal is also temporary. By being friends with someone – despite feeling uncomfortable or unsatisifed – is you intentionally causing yourself to suffer. By the same pattern, if you decide to end this friendship based on what I say, or anyone else says, instead of what you truly feel, you will also be in pain.
It’s much easier said than done, but try to open your mind to new definitions of friendship, and open your mind to new definitions of normal. You will find that you become more accepting of what is thrown at you. The most important thing is that you have yourself. These feelings you have, the struggles and thought that consume your brain – they are entirely yours. It is important that you value yourself more than anyone, after all Aaron may have known you 3-4 years. But you’ve known You all your life.
Have a better day,
– E.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.