Hi lost-owl, I saw your post yesterday and took it upon myself to think about what to do in your situation overnight. It is, after all, the first time I’m posting advice in a forum. I wanted to make sure I am not judgmental nor insensitive.

That being said, a lot of people may come to you with advice but it is important that you are happy with the choice you make.

There is obviously a clear desire on your part to maintain a friendship with Aaron, but you are not satisifed with his behavior. It may help to delineate exactly what your expectations of a friend are. You can make a list and keep it to yourself. When asked why you value him so much, your answers are mainly highlighting his loyalty. He is one of the few friends who did not abandon you during your battle with Depression. Thus, you reward Aaron with this title of being a “close buddy”. It is true that you both don’t share similar interests anymore, but What other attributes do you like in Aaron? Is he kind to the people you love? Is he helpful/reliable/thoughtful? Is he meeting the qualifications on the list that you just created? The main question to ask yourself here is: are you friends with Aaron out of obligation? Feeling grateful to someone is different than feeling indebted to him.

If you have decided that Aaron hasn’t made the cut, that’s okay. This is your life, and you have the right to reject any negativity that is presented to you. However, if you have decided that there are still some redeeming qualities in Aaron, you need to understand that like any relationship – this friendship will take work. People always say, “if it feels like you’re trying to hard in a friendship then it isn’t worth it”, and that a “true friendship shouldn’t feel like work”. I huge part of me wants to tell you that it is not true, that like all relationships you need to work hard to maintain them. But lost-owl, they are right. A friendship should take SOME work, but with open communication and mutual respect it shouldn’t be exhausting. But it should for the most part feel easy and light, like home in another person. I’m starting to realize this now at 22 years old…

Anyways, one thing I’d really like you to work on is the “fitting in” mind set. Everyone wants to be accepted by society, and sometimes we try to measure our successes by comparing them to an average of society. For example: If the average annual income is $50,000 and I am making $40,000 I feel like a failure. If you could google “average # of friends to have by age 22” and retrieve a finite number, then you could measure your social success. Precisely why people from all over the world come to forums just like these, to find others who may accept them. It’s not a bad thing. Still, i’m sure you feel like it would be great if you didn’t “need” to come here. It would feel great to not NEED advice, and to feel normal on your own.

I think the source of your suffering is really stemming from your attachment to “normalness”. Once you can understand that everything is temporary, I’m sure you will begin to see just how much kindness there is all around you. For example, lets say that your friendship with Aaron is temporary, but you obviously had some wonderful times with him. The lady at the checkout register is only temporary, but maybe she gave you a genuine smile that brightened up your day. Similarly, feeling normal is also temporary. By being friends with someone – despite feeling uncomfortable or unsatisifed – is you intentionally causing yourself to suffer. By the same pattern, if you decide to end this friendship based on what I say, or anyone else says, instead of what you truly feel, you will also be in pain.

It’s much easier said than done, but try to open your mind to new definitions of friendship, and open your mind to new definitions of normal. You will find that you become more accepting of what is thrown at you. The most important thing is that you have yourself. These feelings you have, the struggles and thought that consume your brain – they are entirely yours. It is important that you value yourself more than anyone, after all Aaron may have known you 3-4 years. But you’ve known You all your life.

Have a better day,
– E.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Ella.