Dear Prakhar
i think what you are doing is beating yourself, and being very hard on yourself. The mind is such a powerful thing,.and yet we can get control of it by firstly breathing, coming back to ourselves, nourishing our body, eat well, meditate – see guided meditations on u tube…..this girl is not your life. You deserve your own love as much as anyone else does. Please start the journey of loving you – you are worthy of kindness- give that to yourself. It seems that for now the best thing is to look after you. Please believe ne – this WILL pass,.and you will be ok. We only feel powerless when we think we are small and undeserving. You are 19 !! You have so much time fir love, but u must first stop and calm your mind. Take steps towards self love and the rest will get better. To an outsider this girl is also young and needs lots of time to know herself. Let her be free to find her path,.and set yourself free for now.
I promise it will get better ! And soon no matter what happens outside of you will not rock your boat as much. During my college years i had this same anxiety – but it passed, and yoyrs will too. Sit with it, feel the panic…say “panic i see you are here, that us ok ” and then breathe ! You are not blasphemous !! You are frightening yourself by thinking these things – they are ONLY thoughts – do not be afraid 🙂
Hugs and blessings. You can do it…ant plenty of good food, nice tea, and keep writing if you need to here 🙂
barbara.