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Barbara

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  • #135397
    Barbara
    Participant

    “He contributed very little to the relationship”
    Well you said it !!! You are not flawed. You are absolutely fine and enough in every way. He simply did not feel it was right for him – and therefore you had a lucky escape in a way !
    He also sounds a bit cruel in the way he delivered the message. “Wasting my time with you ” ?? Eh… really ? Well I think you could get out with friends, do all the things that you deserve – get a massage, get your hair done, treat yourself soooo well.
    Then cry, sit with the discomfort and the saddness when it comes. Breathe and after it softens – let it go… and repeat ! Keep feeling it and letting it go. Plan nice things for you. You will be ok, and u will have lots of joy ahead.
    Sending healing. Xxxx

    #126776
    Barbara
    Participant

    Well done Bee

    #126775
    Barbara
    Participant

    Well done Bee

    #124498
    Barbara
    Participant

    No I most certainly would not be comfortable with this. From experience – where my gut was leaping out of me – and yet I tollerated this crap – the guy turned out to be a totally untrustworthy git. This guy is a) being inconsiderate b) getting his ego stroked c) leaving you feeling powerless, because he can say ” we are just friends”.
    If it feels wrong for you, then its wrong. If it makes your skin crawl as mutch as it made mine – then just tell him he is out of order. If he continues to rise roughshod over your boundaries – then just walk away.
    Sorry – but later it will hurt more, if u let it go on. Xxx Hugs.

    #124094
    Barbara
    Participant

    So happy for you Sophie.
    Wow !!! What great progress you have made. Its very inspiring for 2017, for all those people who need to move through some tough times, out to a brighter day.
    It makes me feel like despite the dark night of the soul – as long as you keep going, doing new things and staying in your lane – it is possible. Possible to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Thanks Sophie !! And Im so glad that you have come so far. You are a credit to yourself ! Happy New Year !!
    Warm wishes,

    Barbara.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Barbara.
    #124088
    Barbara
    Participant

    Dear Matt,
    There you are! Ah great ! I hope you are very well. As long as you are still well and brightening hearts, then that is wonderful.
    Yes your advice was always so comforting and still is when I read it.
    May you have a lovely 2017, and a Happy New Year from Dublin ☘

    Namaste and every blessing 🙂
    Warm wishes,

    Barbara.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Barbara.
    #124022
    Barbara
    Participant

    I really dont think your wife is giving you enough credit James, and I also really think you are being hard on yourself. Sleeping in the basement – even the image depresses me. Im not surprised you are feeling down. You are doing your best to change and yet being distanced, neglected and it is as if you are on trial.
    I really think you shoud be sleeping in an upstairs room, your wife should be in therapy too, and you should stop beating yourself over the head so much.
    If any man i had ever been with had shown me so much will to make the relationship survive – I would have been very respectful about it. I think your wife is using the fact that you are a very decent man – and is almost allowing you to grovel emotionally.
    This is not ok.
    Your self esteem is taking a bashing here.
    Please be kind to yourself. You deserve love, respect and trust. You are a good person.

    #110506
    Barbara
    Participant

    You are 28. Please be positive. This is soooooo young !! The average age of marriages today is 35. Relax, join a few groups, go and do things u love.
    It will happen when its meant to. Dont worry. Just be yourself, dont panic – date ! You have loads of time ! Now is not the time to panic. I can assure you !
    Best wishes. Xx.

    #110436
    Barbara
    Participant

    Sorry – spelling : *he pays for her exams

    #110435
    Barbara
    Participant

    He sleeps in the same bed
    Ge pays fir her exams
    He lives with her.

    And then he says he tried to break up…but he cant. Im really sorry, but I smell a two timing rat. He is in bed with his girlfriend – and you believe they are not intimate ? I understand why its easier to believe him. But use common sense. The liklihood is, that he is in fact in a real relationship with her.

    And as you say – you are currently the ‘other woman’. This will not end well. Try to be realistic. If you walk away, you will see in time what happens. If he does become single he might follow you. But currently he is eating 2 cakes !!

    #69349
    Barbara
    Participant

    In my experience, you will never get the trust back – as the break of trust is too betraying. Too many lies, too many forms of deciet. Even if you forgive – its the forgetting that is the problem. As much as you want to – it is very hard to do, unless you are a very very stoic and non emotional person. If you have a tendency to analyse, you will find it near impossible.
    Cut your losses. He is immature and wanted silly fantasy nonsense instead of the woman beside him.
    Maybe some will say im being harsh, but I wasted time on a guy, went to therapy – where he used the time to deny all wrongdoing. You may waste precious time. Even if he says the sun moon and stars – would you believe him ?
    I feel your pain. I have been there, was engaged, broke it off – and I am very very thankful I did. Turned out I did the right thing.
    Just dont waste your good years on an eejit who should have known a good thing when he had it. ( for the record i’m pretty hot – if I do say so myself – so none of it is ever to do with it – its about the thrill of being a sneaky little snake 🙂 ) Whatever you do – know it has zero to do with you, and all about his need for en ego boost.
    As you can see – if I think of it I still get angry. I still feel like slapping his face ! But not worth our time. Be with someone who cares for you – he would do it to anyone, even the silly foolish virtual girl from Colorado. He would do the very same to her.
    You are worth more…close the chapter.
    Meditate, let go, he gas a journey and lessons to learn. He has a moral compass to grow, somehow, and some self control to cultivate. Believe me – dont wait for this doorknob to man up 🙂
    Namaste, xxxx.

    #69278
    Barbara
    Participant

    I have had this done to me – in the distant past. But i can tell you it has affected my trust of men in a disgusting way. What you did was selfish and sneaky and self serving. I have no empathy for you at all. You didnt care until you got caught. You didnt mind doing that to his wife – while she lay beside him.
    Frankly – what you did was purely out of ego and the wife is the one who got hurt most.
    And he no doubt slept with his wife all the while.
    He also told many lies to you – because i can tell you – he still wanted the best of both worlds.
    Just move on – but dont look for people to justify it for you. There is zero excuse. Where was your sense of feeling for others ? Where was your thoughts for his wife ?
    Once your ego was getting stroked – and whatever else – you carried on.
    I wish you no harm, but I wish you to see the hurt has huge concequences. Huge.That woman may never trust again. Please be aware that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

    #67125
    Barbara
    Participant

    Hi Scarlet.

    My heart truly goes out to you.

    What a journey, and what a hard thing to have to accept and try to come to terms with.

    Please know – as you seem to have come to see and accept – that none of this mans actions are about you. They merely show that in some way he is unable to empathise and to connect with a loving and honest part of himself. He simply cannot. And this is what is very sad. The beautiful way you wrote about your pain, is testament that, unlike him, thankfully your heart was open and abundant, ready to love and be loved. And that fire in you, that place of beauty, cannot be extinguished by the lack of light inside him. It is so very sad that he could have you in his life, and yet he has not got what it takes to take on that responsibility, take on that role as father. Its so very sad, that he couldnt then, and he cant now. However – your strength will remain. You are loved, you are important and you are of supreme value in this world.

    Please stay strong. You have done your part, you have tried your best to reach him. But alas it is not to be dear sister. You did all you possibly could – and for that, you must be proud.

    Its frustrating, hurtful, painful, rejecting, and difficult. So please look after your inner light. Meditate – my favourite is Ajhan Brahm – his talks saved me from dark moments and his witty way of delivering talks help to lighten even the heaviest load. Please treat yourself like the beauty you are – be kind, to yourself. Eat well, and reach out to the people who love you. Your mother sounds like an amazing person, and the blessing of her love will no doubt be such a help.The wonderful Matt, on this website is a solace also and Im sure he will have works of wisdom and a perspective on the element of how to move through this suffering. I also have been looking at Heather Ash Amara – an amazing woman, on u tube, and her new book ‘Warrior Goddess’ has lots about how to ‘reframe’ our story, so as to move through difficulties past and present.

    There is nothing to do but accept – as horribly excruciating as it is – that this man is just not equipt to be the man he could be. He dosent want to, at this time, be that man.

    I have the utmost respect for you.
    You have been through a lot.
    Be gentle with yourself. You are amazing.

    Sending hugs
    Barbara. xxxx 🙂

    #57883
    Barbara
    Participant

    Thank you Matt, for your kind and as always, wise insights 🙂

    Yes, It is very true – we are all only a tiny part of this beautiful world. I think I would really like to keep doing medditation practice and also following a spiritual path that I think I am on – as we all are in one way or another. I spent the morning looking into a sangha near me, and a regular group meditation – i think it would be good to connect with others in my meditation at least once a week. I am so very greatful for many things in my life. Before this journey in this now past relationship – I never knew about mindfulness, about meditation and being really in the present moment – as an actual practice. So in a way that relationship has brought me to this forum here, to my own self discovery, and to a new part of my life. I am so greatful that I found a way of helping my mind to be at rest at last, at least much more than I thought possible. I think the fact that looking at wise people, like the buddhist teachers and listening when they say there is no wrong way of doing it – that made me think today mpre than ever that you arent really failing, just being. That it is ok to just be there in your imperfect self ! Yet, as you can see I still go through the panic states at times. But I am able to have a way by meditating to get in touch with peace at times – and for that I am so bloody thankful as I never had felt truly at peace. I was always worrying alot sisce childhood. As strange as it sounds, I feel like in the past day or two that I was getting signs from a higher power to go on , to move forward – like as if I can make it, and finally believing it. Today out walking, and with friends I felt a sense of purpose or of oneness I think, if that makes sense.

    The thing that still pains me is my co – dependence. I ask myself : who would I be and where would I be without that ? Would I have handled the chef life ? Would I be able to cope with lots more than I currently am, and then as a result, does it make me doomed in future relationships to be grasping and suspicious ? I of course like us all want to be with a partner – but the co dependence part makes me think maybe I am not wired for that. Maybe im not able for it. (the more positive side of me says – you are able maybe with someone more aligned, suited, fitting and compatible – yet Im afraid would I screw it up even if we were aligned !! )

    I really want to thank you Matt, you are a teacher and a light source,
    Warm wishes,

    Barbs.

    Namaste.

    #54503
    Barbara
    Participant

    Hi Rachita
    well done for looking out for the child, and I believe if we see something like that, it is our moral duty to report it. That is my personal belief – especially if it is a child or an animal. – as they cannot speak for themselves, and are therefore at the mercy of circumstance.
    You are very kind, aware, and are tuned in to what is going on around you. I think you should report it anonymously to a child welfare organisation – and they will tell you who to contact,.or may pass on the details. I would keep note of the names of the people you speak to so that you can give them a follow up call.
    When we know we have done all we can, then we must have faith that it will be dealt with. By following it up with a phone call we can alert people that we are serious about makingvsure some action is put in place.
    I know it must be awful to see that. You probably want to run over and take yhe child from such a dysfunctional and neglectful situation. I feel sorry for the woman too – but the child is deffenceless and innocent so they would be my first priority.
    I hope you find the courage to do what you feel is right. Make sure you safeguard your anonymity and be kind to yourself too 🙂
    Do not worry – the authorities will hopefully be glad to help,.and charity helplines may also be a helpful resource.
    Blessings
    namaste

    Barbs 🙂

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 89 total)