May 31, 2014 at 12:04 pm #57777BarbaraParticipant
I am just having a bit of a hard time lately. Trying my best to do self – care : meditation, eating well, reaching out, exercise etc, after the final part of a long drawn out and painful break up. There was incompatibility, valuse that werent aligned, and general non acceptance of each other as we are in this moment. Love was there, but it was a struggle, an endurance test, and my life and his became very sad and very full of anger, blame, and at times hatred (he hadnt forgiven me for things that he missed out on due to our relationship, like travel – we went to Australia but it was a disaster – and he wanted to work as a chef there – I spent 16 hour days alone, and he worked – I was insecure, clingy, jealous – all those bad behaviors came out throughout the relationship – i posted the ins and outs in a different thread )
So it has now ended and he is gone – his things are gone, although there may be 2 items of his in the car boot. It has to be done – as it was just one big struggle, at odds all the time.
Today something happened that made me full of grief, sadness and guilt. My cat came with ‘presents of birds – dead at the door last 2 days – I know it is awful, but I tried to act rationally – saying – this is nature, and I said a prayer for them and put them in a bag etc…It was horroble, but they were gone, poor things. Today I looked out and she had something in her mouth – it was a tiny bird, she put it on the ground – and to my horror the poor thing was still alive. I was screaming – and I threw a cushion at the cat and brought her in. When I went out, moments later the bird was gone. I was so relieved – I thought in my sillyness that maybe the mother bird took it, or it flew away. Then later I brought the cat out on a lead, and she kept pulling me over to a mini palm tree – and there was the poor desolate and lonely bird looking at me. I felt my hear breaking into pieces for this poor animal – it had a right to live – but then i knew that it was my fault that I intervenend – that maybe I should have let the cat finish its horrible act. So i tried to give it worms / insects – but of course it wouldnt eat, then I tried to pick it up and it struggled and ran away, – me causing more pain – I put it into a box on a soft blanket and stroked it gently to try to soothe it – it must have been suffering so much from the fright.
The mother and father robin were percing on the fence and I really was hoing they would come and feed it – but they only came over twice. I cried and prayed that they would come and feed it. I took the blanket out so they could reach the baby bird easily – and then he scurried away – into some undergrowth. And he is still there as I saw him. I went to the supermarket, and cried in the car – not able to stop thinking of his soft feathers, and his tiny beak, and his little eyes – a living thing with a life as valubale as mine I believe – a beautiful creature, wanting to live and fly and survive.
I am so sorry for the rambling and raving like a small child – but the guilt and blame on myself is huge – how dare I interfere – and if I hadnt – he would be put out of his misery… And then I wonder is it also tied to the relationship – that I feel everything I touch fails – I hold on too tight and I steer and I try..and I cant make things right – a fecking failure all the time – fumbling and falling and making stupid decisions. I seem to get it wrong all the time.
And now the bird is still there beside the garden shed – and I cant help – but it was my actions that caused this suffering – the cat was just being a cat.
I know Im full of self pity today, I feel sad, lonely, and isolated. I am going to meditate now and try to settle my mind before I go to meet my sister, as I will not be much company otherwise.
Thanks for reading if you do!
Time to meditate,
BarbsJune 1, 2014 at 12:01 pm #57845MattParticipant
You made it all about you. Cats will be cats, birds will be birds, chefs will be chefs. You didn’t kill the bird, or the relationship. You’re part of something much greater, one small piece. His actions helped it break down. The cat is a hunter. Let it go. “Not mine.”
When you find yourself in panic states like that, consider doing some counting breath meditation. Brain and emotions in hyperdrive? Aim that engine in a circle, and the mind gets bored, focused. “Ajahn Jayasaro counting breaths” on YouTube, if interested.
Also, remember to be gentle with yourself. As a recovering codependent, your self esteem is understandably shaky. Too often, you take such a harsh tone with yourself, which is wholly unneeded! Always a new lesson, a new day, new birth. What did you learn?
Not “Barb is this,barb does that”, but “what made barb happy? What rekindles her light? What heals her tender heart?”. When we just accept that our past is a yin/yang smart/dumb mess of a thing, we can sit down, breathe, and try to grow our wings.
Consider, you’re free. No one controls you, no one defines you. Its OK to be yourself. You’re beautiful! Its a journey of discovery, dear sister, and it starts with your desires… what do you like? What makes you happy? Do that! It refuels us, and when we’re peaceful, open again, we can look back and figure it out without the lamentation. Without pity, without”poor, poor barbs”, just “OK,what the heck happened?”. If your body is full of grief though, set down the puzzle, forgive yourself, and hit the tub, walk in nature, cultivate metta, whatever. Be nurturing.
Our wings are fragile, sis. The whispers of heart are heard in a quiet space, with mind peaceful, and smooth. We have to have patience, breathing, and space, especially in troubled times.
MattJune 1, 2014 at 6:55 pm #57883BarbaraParticipant
Thank you Matt, for your kind and as always, wise insights 🙂
Yes, It is very true – we are all only a tiny part of this beautiful world. I think I would really like to keep doing medditation practice and also following a spiritual path that I think I am on – as we all are in one way or another. I spent the morning looking into a sangha near me, and a regular group meditation – i think it would be good to connect with others in my meditation at least once a week. I am so very greatful for many things in my life. Before this journey in this now past relationship – I never knew about mindfulness, about meditation and being really in the present moment – as an actual practice. So in a way that relationship has brought me to this forum here, to my own self discovery, and to a new part of my life. I am so greatful that I found a way of helping my mind to be at rest at last, at least much more than I thought possible. I think the fact that looking at wise people, like the buddhist teachers and listening when they say there is no wrong way of doing it – that made me think today mpre than ever that you arent really failing, just being. That it is ok to just be there in your imperfect self ! Yet, as you can see I still go through the panic states at times. But I am able to have a way by meditating to get in touch with peace at times – and for that I am so bloody thankful as I never had felt truly at peace. I was always worrying alot sisce childhood. As strange as it sounds, I feel like in the past day or two that I was getting signs from a higher power to go on , to move forward – like as if I can make it, and finally believing it. Today out walking, and with friends I felt a sense of purpose or of oneness I think, if that makes sense.
The thing that still pains me is my co – dependence. I ask myself : who would I be and where would I be without that ? Would I have handled the chef life ? Would I be able to cope with lots more than I currently am, and then as a result, does it make me doomed in future relationships to be grasping and suspicious ? I of course like us all want to be with a partner – but the co dependence part makes me think maybe I am not wired for that. Maybe im not able for it. (the more positive side of me says – you are able maybe with someone more aligned, suited, fitting and compatible – yet Im afraid would I screw it up even if we were aligned !! )
I really want to thank you Matt, you are a teacher and a light source,
Namaste.June 5, 2014 at 11:32 pm #58222sojournerParticipant
I just want you to know that your tender soul is precious. I’m geared the same way, it pains me deeply when the two cats (whom I cherish) hunt the baby ducks and rabbits. I don’t even like them to torture the mice, which are an invasive and destructive and dirty pest when they get in the house.
You cherish life. All life AND love. That is nothing to apologize for or feel badly about. It’s part of who we are as unique children of God. You bring balance and compassion to a sometimes really hard & cruel world.
Maybe do a little reading about animal guides; you might get some further understanding as to how and if this situation with the bird reflects your relationship.
Best wishes and love.