Hi All,
I am just having a bit of a hard time lately. Trying my best to do self – care : meditation, eating well, reaching out, exercise etc, after the final part of a long drawn out and painful break up. There was incompatibility, valuse that werent aligned, and general non acceptance of each other as we are in this moment. Love was there, but it was a struggle, an endurance test, and my life and his became very sad and very full of anger, blame, and at times hatred (he hadnt forgiven me for things that he missed out on due to our relationship, like travel – we went to Australia but it was a disaster – and he wanted to work as a chef there – I spent 16 hour days alone, and he worked – I was insecure, clingy, jealous – all those bad behaviors came out throughout the relationship – i posted the ins and outs in a different thread )

So it has now ended and he is gone – his things are gone, although there may be 2 items of his in the car boot. It has to be done – as it was just one big struggle, at odds all the time.

Today something happened that made me full of grief, sadness and guilt. My cat came with ‘presents of birds – dead at the door last 2 days – I know it is awful, but I tried to act rationally – saying – this is nature, and I said a prayer for them and put them in a bag etc…It was horroble, but they were gone, poor things. Today I looked out and she had something in her mouth – it was a tiny bird, she put it on the ground – and to my horror the poor thing was still alive. I was screaming – and I threw a cushion at the cat and brought her in. When I went out, moments later the bird was gone. I was so relieved – I thought in my sillyness that maybe the mother bird took it, or it flew away. Then later I brought the cat out on a lead, and she kept pulling me over to a mini palm tree – and there was the poor desolate and lonely bird looking at me. I felt my hear breaking into pieces for this poor animal – it had a right to live – but then i knew that it was my fault that I intervenend – that maybe I should have let the cat finish its horrible act. So i tried to give it worms / insects – but of course it wouldnt eat, then I tried to pick it up and it struggled and ran away, – me causing more pain – I put it into a box on a soft blanket and stroked it gently to try to soothe it – it must have been suffering so much from the fright.
The mother and father robin were percing on the fence and I really was hoing they would come and feed it – but they only came over twice. I cried and prayed that they would come and feed it. I took the blanket out so they could reach the baby bird easily – and then he scurried away – into some undergrowth. And he is still there as I saw him. I went to the supermarket, and cried in the car – not able to stop thinking of his soft feathers, and his tiny beak, and his little eyes – a living thing with a life as valubale as mine I believe – a beautiful creature, wanting to live and fly and survive.

I am so sorry for the rambling and raving like a small child – but the guilt and blame on myself is huge – how dare I interfere – and if I hadnt – he would be put out of his misery… And then I wonder is it also tied to the relationship – that I feel everything I touch fails – I hold on too tight and I steer and I try..and I cant make things right – a fecking failure all the time – fumbling and falling and making stupid decisions. I seem to get it wrong all the time.

And now the bird is still there beside the garden shed – and I cant help – but it was my actions that caused this suffering – the cat was just being a cat.

I know Im full of self pity today, I feel sad, lonely, and isolated. I am going to meditate now and try to settle my mind before I go to meet my sister, as I will not be much company otherwise.

Thanks for reading if you do!
Time to meditate,
Best wishes
Namaste
Barbs