Forum Replies Created
October 15, 2014 at 9:22 pm #66332
Dreamer – Two words. Block him on your phone and emails. Good luck. Stay the course. Enough.October 15, 2014 at 9:12 pm #66331
PS “I am kind of still hoping he would become the person I wanted/expected him to be.” It is really really important to know that you cannot put this kind of pressure on someone to become what YOU want or expect. He is who he is. Not that we cannot improve as individuals but if this is fundamentally who he is, he will not change. It is critical that you accept people for who they are, including this guys.
HE has to want to change for HIMSELF, not because you want him too.October 15, 2014 at 9:05 pm #66330
Hi, heartfelt hugs – I believe if you re read your post, you will see that this guy is not a good match for you for the long haul. Seems you are opposite on some pretty big issues. That doesn’t mean that love wasn’t present- and it may still be, keep that part and junk the rest – the guilt, the missing him. There were red flags everywhere in that relationship. It’s going to hurt, of course, you’ve lost a dream and a hope.
Eyes forward sister – every moment you spend in a loser relationship keeps you another moment from having the relationship that suits you and will endure and which you deserve with an equal. Please give yourself time to grief the loss (not to discourage you, but I just passed the first anniversary of splitting with my beloved and it still hurts but not as much).
How to get through this? stay the course, don’t go backwards…grieve and give yourself time to heal and grow. Rest, eat, exercise. When you feel able to do so, fill your days with things that you are passionate about, this is a GREAT time to stretch your wings because you aren’t responsible to anyone but yourself – travel? new hobby? volunteer? You will find someone new to talk to at the end of the day. DON’T settle! That’s the bird in the hand is worth two in the bush mentality. Mix it up, have fun.
Good luck, and be good to yourself.September 25, 2014 at 7:05 pm #65598
Read the very good article on this website about How Painful Relationships are the Best Teachers. Good stuff.September 25, 2014 at 7:03 pm #65597
Jen A – have you forgotten or lost all the wonderful advise you got here regarding this relationship and situation. Breath woman. I think he is maybe maybe trying to ease back into things…just be you. Be careful of pressuring him again. Maybe time for an honest conversation with him about his intentions. I’m not much for games and I’m sure you aren’t either. Best wishes, take care of YOU.September 16, 2014 at 7:58 pm #64997
PS Check out Brene Brown’s TED talk The Power of Vulnerability.September 16, 2014 at 7:57 pm #64996
Dear Rose Tatto, Such loving and wise words above – I offer you hugs and empathy. I think you sound incredibly wise and I so appreciate your wanting to let go with love – it was the title of your post that really got my attention. Such an honorable and compassionate endeavor. I know EXACTLY what you are trying to do and trying to get through. It just hurts like hell. But, you did the right thing listening to that voice inside you that said, this just isn’t right, it doesn’t fit. Rose, admitting that and acknowledging that inner voice doesn’t mean that love wasn’t, or isn’t still, present. You are mourning the loss of the potential, the dream, and embracing those beautiful memories. They will never die. But I think it is incredibly intuitive and brave of you to call it as you see it. Soldier on dear girl and remember that love is always a good thing. Breathe. Pray. Rest. Heal. Give yourself all the time you need. Consider that every moment you spend in a relationship that is not wholesome or healthy for you, is another moment in which you block a better, healthier relationship. Good things will come to you very soon.
Blessings to you.September 11, 2014 at 7:39 pm #64788
hi Jen, First, heartfelt compassion and support to you across the miles.
Wow it’s a lot you’ve been through. I’m glad you reached out in the fashion you did, and at this point, my advice would be to just let it be. He’s been pretty clear that he needs space, and why. He’s not in a position to speculate about the future, and therefore, I don’t think you should either. He knows how you feel, and he talked about what you meant to him, mean to him, I think his feelings for you were real, however poorly timed.
Maybe the best thing you can do is just wait. Find a way to distract yourself – self nurture, do things that make you happy, build interest in a new hobby, volunteer for something somewhere, ANYTHING that take you outside of yourself and will help keep him off your mind to the point where you just are driving yourself nuts with the questions you mustn’t ask or push for right now, or you will get answers you don’t want to hear and he might not mean.
Try to put yourself in his shoes, in his head. The last thing that will help is to get pressure or ask for answers to questions about things he hasn’t figured out for himself yet, let alone express them to you.
You will have the answers eventually, but not today, not this week, maybe not this month. This situation is taking up ALL the room in your head and heart. Time to diversify if only for a while so YOU can get some space and perspective too.
Love is a good thing – just be patient. Pray and breath and take care of yourself. It will all turn out the way it is supposed to.
Peace to you,
SojSeptember 3, 2014 at 8:44 pm #64355
Hi again – as usual, our friend Matt is incredibly wise and kind. Great advise Matt…
The only thing I can add to your additional questions Jen, is that I think you are on track with the text about his car – that’s a nice light communication. It lets him know you are thinking of him, that he is still important to you and that you don’t want to create any additional stress for him. I WOULD LEAVE IT THERE. If anything, just wait a few days and send another light & loving text. He knows how to reach you. He’s really kind of in a tough place, sounds like – the best way you can love him at this point is to just be supportive. Don’t be something else he has to deal with – give him time, and keep yourself busy and growing too.
After what you’ve just said, it seems evident that he is not interested in any other gal. What a relief. His brother confirms this, which is great.
Hang on loosely! Good luck, truly, keep us posted and yes, please take care of yourself, because YOU need love and support too.September 3, 2014 at 2:57 pm #64340
Jen A – First of all, sending healing thoughts to you.
I have to ask this – because I’ve seen guys back peddle & vaporize like this before but not say what’s really going on – is it possible he is or has or wants to become involved with someone else? The fact that you are out of the country gives him all sorts of latitude to explore a new life without really having to tell you about it. There’s been a lot of stuff happen between you two, and a new relationship has none of that baggage. I am reading between his lines…
I don’t intend to plant suspicions in your head BUT, especially with the birthday non-eventness, it is the first thing that is going through my head. Those are not the actions of someone who professes to love you and want to be with you. Actions speak louder than words. Actions reveal true intent where words are, especially at a safe distance, just words.
“…you’re out there meeting guys I’m sure and I’m in no position or headspace to be the man you want and deserve right now and I can’t meet your demands or requirements, I need to fix my life, focus on my son and my career and it will only tear us further apart, I love and value you”
Value you? Yikes. Words that strike terror in my heart. Things that make me go hmmmmm. It sounds to me like he wants you to let him go. If he can get you to do that on your own, then he is not culpable or on the hook for whatever he has going.
Next time you do have communication with him, just ask him “is there someone else”? Ask for and be willing to accept an honest answer.
I truly hope that all he is needing is time to get decompressed from the events you describe. If that is the case, let him be, follow Gabriela’s advice, it’s good.
I hope this doesn’t stress you out more, but I think, humbly, it’s something you may want to consider.
Best wishes.September 2, 2014 at 1:13 pm #64260
You need time to heal. That’s it, plain and simple. You can’t push a chain – it just gets bungled up. Do things for yourself that make you feel good and nurtured. Practice mindfulness. Ain’t no way to move on faster, it takes the time it takes, but it will pass and you will be whole and happy again. Remember that happiness comes from inside yourself and your connection to the Universe (or God, or whatever works for you), and that you don’t need someone else to complete you. A loving relationship is wonderful, it’s groovy, but it’s not the end all.
Breathe. Rest. Cry. Eat well, exercise and pray. You will be ok. It’s just gonna take time.September 2, 2014 at 1:05 pm #64259
He’s outta there.August 31, 2014 at 4:58 pm #64163
Know that you are not alone, ever. Get some rest and yes, have that good long cry, or cries. I don’t have a crystal ball, but I think it’s possible that your partner may have an epiphany after they move out. Once he is clear of things and can see the forest for the trees, maybe he will be able to navigate with you into the next phase of your relationship – one blessed with peace and understanding, if he really loves you as he says he does.
When you consider what your circumstance was (or maybe still is today), it seems that fear for the future is manageable. Although you don’t know what will unfold now, you do know that you couldn’t stay in the current situation.
Think positively, count your blessings everyday, surround yourself with beauty, people and moments that will bring you joy. Many people, myself included, have started over again financially not once but multiple times in an effort to make our personal lives better. You will be ok.
Please stay in touch, best wishes.
SojAugust 31, 2014 at 3:21 pm #64161
Matt you kill me with your wisdom. And you are right of course on many points, as always.
BUT. If it were me, I would have to ask for my sanctuary back. Enough already.
Bottom line from this quarter – you are not being unreasonable to end it, Sultana. Those people have a good deal going and they know it and it’s at your expense. Additionally, you say you feel no love or respect for him anymore. Well, those are very telling words. I’d say this ship has sailed and you are worn to a frazzle. Some major damage has been done with no relief in sight. You lasted a LOT longer than I would have, bless your heart.
Go get you some peace. Take your space back. Only let people in there who make you feel loved, respected and joyful.August 31, 2014 at 3:10 pm #64160
First of all, sending healing thoughts to you. Inky’s right, you are having a mental breakdown – I recognize the symptoms because I (and I’m sure many others on these forums) have been through that hell.
Give yourself a break. Please change your script of self blame – nothing good is going to come from that. Learn from it all and move on. You are a good person, worthy of love, worthy of peace, change your script to reflect that. What’s done is done, start to think positively about the changes and efforts you’ve made to fix your life.
This awful thing happened and your girl finally got worn down. She is still treating you with kindness, but please, let her have a life. She deserves it. If you love her, let her go. The more you push her, the further away she is going to go, my friend. If you are truly soul mates, maybe one day when you are healthy and able to stand on your own two feet, you will be together then.
I see two issues here – you mention how her jealousy & insecurity was an issue back in the day. And then you start talking about Aspies. If you are going to keep revisiting the past to such a degree, please look at ALL the issues with equity.
You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you are going to be in a position to be loved by someone else. What you need comes from inside you, not from outside, not from someone else. Breathe, be strong, do the hard work, get healed up. It sounds like therapy is in order for sure, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Again, I have been there. Therapy helps, time helps. Give yourself a chance to heal – you’ve been through a LOT.