I’m 25 years old and I have a 4 year old son with an “eternal fling”. Our families are friends and we’ve known eachother for over 10 years. He used to live abroad and whenever he’d come home to visit his parents, we hooked up. While he was away we also kept in touch, but never had a long distance relationship, it was always just very “easy breezy”, but feelings were there, we just never acted upon them because of the distance. In one of those times that he came to visit, we were reckless and I ended up getting pregnant. From the beginning he told me to have an abortion and I always said I wouldn’t and that I would have my child with or without his help. We spoke to eachother often during my pregnancy, but always from a distance. When we spoke about subjects disregarding the pregnancy itself, we got along perfectly and it was very pleasing, however when the topic was brought up things were difficult. He would blame me for ruining his life, for being selfish and spoiled, I would get upset over his insensitivity towards the matter, and accuse him of being immature, etc. He would tell me he had a special someone he didn’t meet yet whom he would want to have a child with and that wasn’t me, he would say “how dare you bring a bastard child into this world?”, say I was insane, etc. The whole time I made it clear I didn’t need him, and that he would only be obliged to support my child financially. His parents didn’t reach out during the whole 9 months, and when my son was born, they requested a DNA test, which I agreed to in a very calm fashion (we weren’t dating and I didn’t take it personally).

When my son was born, his father came home and we spent a few weeks together, we got along very well, he brought gifts, supported me, but made it clear he would go back home (to another country where he was studying) after our son was born. While he was here it was lovely, but a week after my son was born he was gone. We skyped every week, he contriuted financially to half of every cost regarding our son, and there were calls, e-mails, and I got emotionally attached. Whenever we would get too close he would get defensive and say I was pressuring him to be in a family he had never asked to have. There were a lot of fights, there were a lot of “back and forths” and there were good times where he would tell me how much he wanted to try and make things work when he came back home and bad times in which I would forgive him sometimes for his cruel comments because I would blame myself for having brought on the whole situation when he had made it clear he didn’t want it, but at the same time I would see that we were both responsible for what had happened so there was no reason why I should cut him slack. It was/is all very confusing. During the time he spent away I got involved with another person for a short period of time after I had decided I wouldn’t try with him any longer and I was very happy in this short relationship I had, I was treated with so much care, love and respect and I could be myself. It was very hard to make the decision, but I did.

After he finished college he moved back home (last year). The first three years of my sons life however, he would visit twice a year and the rest of the time I would take care of everything on my own with the help of my parents and his parents. When he camse back, we started seeing eachother again, we would go out to eat with our son, do things together and it was all very nice and made me happy. When we got involved, it was always very “secretive”, his parents didn’t know about it and he would never admit it to them, his friends wouldn’t know about it, he would never post anything on social networks about it, and never posted any picture of our son, which he demonstrates a lot of love and affection for. In the beginning, I thought my involvement was just “physical” and tricked myself into believing that I was just having fun and was distracting myself since I was so lonely. In the end, things started becoming more constant, we would speak to eachother all the time, see eachother all the time, and I was so happy. I let myself get attached and things were the best they had been in forever, we were in the same country, getting along, and I believed things were going to finally work out.

After about two months of this going on, I found out he had hooked up with someone else. I have never been a jealous person but I saw a picture of him with another girl (someone I knew) and I questioned him about it, we were doing so well and even though things hadn’t become official (especially since we had a son together and I knew how much pressure he felt towards that) I thought things were great. He told me he was just “drunk” and it was an accident and would never happen again. I had never been through the experience, and although it was very painful I thought it would be more painful to have to lose him again, so I forgave him and decided to move one. One week later it happened again and that was it, it was my boundary. I lost it, he asked to talk and explain himself (he wasn’t working at the time and living with his parents and said he was feeling like a “failure” and just wanted to go out and party and get wasted, that the girl didn´t mean anything – THE SAME ONE, etc.). I didn’t take it and stepped away. We didn’t speak to eachother for around a month and since our sons birthday was coming up I decided to reach out and try and make things at least civilized between us for everyones sake. He had started working and moved into an apatment on his own. We then started talking again, and feelings started to emerge, despite everything (it makes me feel so stupid to even have the guts to have feelings towards someone who hurt me the way he did), and he tried to rekindle things. As much as I want to, I just can’t do it, the trust is just compeletely broken, and he doesn’t make half of the effort I would expect from someone who cares, he says he has real feelings but he is scared that I build up expectations. I start acting very unstable because I like him but I don’t feel I get the attention and love that I deserve, I don’t feel like he is the best parent he can be, and I have an awful time trying to communicate, it’s as if we speak two different languages. Everything is always about him, his timing, his desires and needs. When he’s in the mood he’s a charmer, when he’s not it’s unbearable to be around him, he criticizes, complains, twists situations around and I feel like I am just “Plan B”, when he is lonely he reaches out, but takes me for granted and doesn’t really care. Never invites me to go out with his friends and continues sometimes going out with these friends in which “the girl” mentioned above is a part of the group. Sometimes I feel like he is just lost and scared and I should wait and see what happens, but mostly I know I should just move on from this complicated mess and make a real effort to let my feelings go, that the story will only repeat itself and I will get hurt again (which is something I am not willing to do). I created this illusion that we would end up together no matter what and now it just feels silly. I don’t know if I should really distance myself again to work on myself and strive for something better or if I should just keep up the communication in a friendly way and try to get over it the hard way. Talking to him is useless, I am just having a really hard time letting go and taking a real stance.