Forum Replies Created
November 3, 2015 at 5:40 am #86641
My piece of advice to you, to deal with your ex and still maintain as much inner peace as possible, would be setting boundaries. There is only so much that is in our reach and in our control, such as your power and right to ensure your son’s physical well being, his schedules and his emotional health. What is not in your reach/control is your ex’s behavior, his gf’s behavior, and his gf’s son’s behavior. So, to maintain your inner peace, you use the tools you have in front of you to deal with the situation in the best possible manner.
I don’t know how old your son is, but whenever/if ever he is in his father’s care and gets hurt, you can teach him to call you or reach out to you, so you can pick him up and he can be in an environment that he is safe. It’s hard to know exactly what is going on over on the other side, and a lot of other details in the specific situation aren’t clear, so my best piece of advice to you would be that – work with your tools, and never nurture or feed into aggression or verbal abuse. When that is the response coming from your ex, you can give him your silence, and at most the space to have a mature conversation whenever he pleases, such as “It seems you are upset and I don’tt hink we can come to a solution right now. When you calm down, if you’d like to talk about the situation to ensure our son’s well being, please feel free to reach out. I am only looking for his best interest.
Hope this some how helps.
All the best!June 23, 2015 at 11:54 am #78743
I’m sorry for your pain. It seems as though you should invest more of your time in finding some peace within. Break ups are rough and messy and painful – usually for both parties, even if that doesn’t seem to be the case since he has already found someone “new and upgraded”. That is a cruel thing to say on several levels, and a low blow. Small comments such as those, even when completely empty and false, have a severe effect on our alraedy fragile egos and shouldn’t be taken into consideration. No matter who this other person is, no one is better or worse than you are, and if they are a better fit to your ex boyfriend, may they be happy and find the liberty to be able to enjoy eachothers company without feeling the need to throw cruel remarks at ex’s.
What your ex boyfriend thinks of you, may mean something to you, because you have been very emotionally invested in him, but his opinion of you, which seems pretty empty and actually selfish of him, is only the way he says to view you. Those negative and harsh words usually come from a place of his own pain that he can not recognize, and even if that were not the case – what makes you think that you should view yourself based on his opinion?
What is important is what you think about yourself, which might sound cheesy and superficial, but is very true and deep if you really think about it. Reach inside and remind yourself of the wonderful person that you know you are, of what your values are, of the good you have done to people around you, and of all of your true and righteous intentions that have been there inside of you, even if he might have been too busy and self absorbed to see them. To potentialize your insight even more, I think another strong and wise way of getting past those words are to simply forgive him for causing you pain. That doesn’t mean it was okay for him to do so, but it means that you are a big person, taking the high road, and are letting go of remorse and spiteful intentions.
I hope you find peace and clarity.
All the best.June 23, 2015 at 11:45 am #78742
From what you’ve told, I think that a genuine friendship seems pretty much out of the picture, especially when in reality it seems as though you have second intentions and are using a “friendship” as an excuse to keep him around just in case he changes his mind about the possibilities of what you two might become. Although it may seem a little rash to tell you to just cut him out of your life, I do think you should listen to what he is telling you when saying he doesn’t want a “serious relationship”, even though it might hurt.
I particulary think it is a sign that he just isn’t that “in to you”. A person doesn’t suddenly wake up one day and say, “Okay, now I want a serious relationship, let me go find one”, they meet someone, connect, and enjoy spending more and more time with that person until it suddenly becomes serious, which doesn’t mean it becomes a burden (I feel as though men feel a serious relationshp equals a scary monster) – it becomes consistent and includes loyalty.
Since you have been involved for a short amount of time, I would say you have two options – either walk away, without fear, and with courage, and give yourself the chance to meet new pople, or simply have more time to get to know yourself, considering you do have the chance of getting hurt and are in dangerous territory since you obviously have feelings for him and expectations don’t seem to be aligned or, make sure you know how to step on the breaks of your feelings when they start intensifying, and take it easy with him if you are seeing no major red flags, in the hope that perhaps you two may build something together over time, simply enjoying eachothers company if it something the both of you enjoy and can handle with ease.
Wish you the very best.June 16, 2015 at 11:49 am #78336
I’m sorry you are going through a hard time and I respect you for putting your feelings out on the table, seeking help, and being proactive about the problem you are going through. I repeat, going through – you will find a solution to it, and everything will fall into place as it is meant to.
The feeling I got as I read your post was that you are in a vulnerable moment, you are not feeling like yourself, you are overwhelmed and confused and want to fix your problem as soon as possible just to put it behind you, and I don’t think that is a wise or sustainable move.
Before I give my opinion on your practical situation with your husband, I do have to say, I’m sorry to admit but I think it was a mistake to tell him about your attraction to another. An innocent mistake, I agree, because it seems as though you were only trying to illustrate the distance you were feeling to him, but putting myself in his shoes, that must have just increased his fear of losing you and made him focus on the insecurity of betrayal instead of agreeing to work towards improving your relationship. I think “looking to the side” and engaging or nurturing any sort of feeling towards another man at this point, even if platonic, is a bad idea. You have a lot on your plate and not only should, in my opinion, focus on yourself and your relationship, but not depend on him for that sort of insecurity. That ship has sailed however and all you can do is simply continue to reassure him that you will never act upon the interest you felt in the other person, and focus on your relationship with him. Also, traveling with the person of interest also seems like a petty request to make him, and disrespectful as well. I’m sorry if I’m being harsh, but I am simply giving my opinion with your best interest at heart. I know how confusing it can be when we are inside of a situation, we often lose perspective and clouds blur our vision of what is right in front of us. When we are in pain, it is also common for us to be selfish, and I am not blaming you in any way.
Either way, as for your relationship, my suggsetion would be to find yourself, before making any rash decisions. Do some meditation, do some journaling, remember what your true values are, don’t cling on to feelings that you believe won’t help you reach what it is you want to reach. It seems to me as though you want to give it a shot, but are simply going through a rough patch. It seems to me as though his insecurities are swollen and that is having an even more negative effect on you. My opinion is, you really should try and fight for your relationship, not “hang in there”, but “work things out”, give it a REAL shot. Not as in forcing yourself to feel certain feelings or to be a certain way, rather, open up to him – and that doesn’t mean spilling the beans on your attraction for other guys or telling him how you don’t like him anymore, I mean open your heart to him. Let him in. Engage and take him up on his offers to join you at conferences, on making efforts to change habits you don’t like, and try to join him hand in hand in being the leaders of your family. This isn’t just some guy, and that doesn’t mean you are chained to him, it just means that, since you have children together and he is all in on making an effort, it is worth a real shot. Don’t be in a hurry to make things perfect, just give it a chance, and if it doesn’t work out – you can feel the comfort of knowing you tried.
Reinforce your boundaries and conditions with him, and put effort in trying to make it work, just as much as you would expect from him – like partners, like a team.
Hope this has helped in some way.
All the best.October 8, 2014 at 11:29 am #66126
Thank you for sharing your experience. Not only is it good to have some different opinions on the matter, it is possible that other people (like myself) are going though a very similar experience and have interesting things to say to you. First of all, I am very sorry you had to go through such a rough time. Losing someone we deeply care for is extremely painful and when you add “betrayal” to the mix, the consequences are devastating, to say the least. Betrayal not only hurts, but it messes with our self esteem and in our confidence and security in ourselves. Because of someone else’s bad (and selfish) decision, we are left picking up the pieces and dealing with the very difficult consequences. It is something that truly scars, no matter what happens afterwards. Mostly, in my opinion, one of the things that make betrayal hard to face, is how it is something we would never be capable of doing, especially not to people we care about. It is hard to consider trusting and relying on someone who has had the selfishness and cruelty to hurt and humiliate us that way.
But one thing I can tell you with certainty, that anguishing pain will pass, even if it takes long. So be patient with yourself. Not only that, but be patient with the situation as a whole, and be selfish too. No matter what other people think or tell you, this is your life. I’m sure you understand why it is that your loved ones are against a possibility of your rekindling with him – it is because they love you and want to avoid the chance of you getting hurt again. However, only you are living your life, feeling your feelings, and facing the consequences of your decisions. So, when considering what to do, don’t put on that “extra stress”. Your loved ones want you to be happy, and if somehow you are able to find happiness with this person, they will be happy for you and adjust with time.
Now, the real question however is, is it right of you to go back to him? I don’t think there is a right answer here, but what the wise thing to do would be to predict all of the possible outcomes and if you are willing to risk getting hurt again. Is it worth it? Do you feel safe? Maybe you could allow him to bond with you, but not actually get back together. Like “friends” who are hanging out and spending time together (not hooking up obviously) and taking the time that is necessary so that you can feel secure and confident that this is really what is best for you. Sometimes I think we get “addicted” to relationships and don’t even know why we are in them any longer. We block out the pain that is stashed inside and only cling on to the happy and fun times and try to convince and fool ourselves that risks are necessary, even if the happiness associated to them are only temporary. Be patient and be calm and love yourself above loving him. Make healthy and wise decisions and don’t ever be afraid that if you don’t choose to be with him now, you may lose him again. If he wants to go because you are not running back to him like a silly pet, then I suggest you hold the door wide open and with a smile on your face. We fight for the things we want and we don’t let go so easily, your endurance and consideration for him are the perfect evidence to prove that, so now it is on his plate to decide how he wants to treat you and handle the mess that he made. It is not your job to clean it up and he is lucky if you even give him the chance to try and make things right.
I say be honest, but play the game with patience and intelligence. Don’t show him all the cards at once and make sure you get the love, attention and most of all respect that you deserve, because what he did was simply direspectful and very mean.
Embrace the feelings your heart is feeling, recognize them, acknowledge them, but don’t surrender to them, life isn’t based on emotions, there needs to be some rationality and coherence between our feelings and actions. Think about what you’re going through as if it was a friend you’d be giving advice to. There are no right or wrong or ready answers, we just have to be patient to deal with the material and information we are given, slowly. Be good to you and put yourself first, and only settle for what you truly deserve.
Lots of love!September 5, 2014 at 12:52 pm #64440
Kingmaker, I don’t think you allowed for it to happen, like I said, I don’t think we can judge ourselves or eachother for being found in these sort of situations. They just happen and before we know it, we’re in over our heads. The good part is you have acknowledged that you are in the situation and you are also realizing how unhealthy it is and are asking for help to get out. That is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of courage and rationality and all you have to do now is to make a real and conscious decision that you would like to put this in the past so that you can move on with your life, at your own time and with a lot of self respect and self love.
You have more power than you know as to determine the way you feel about your life, but like I said, it takes real effort and determination. We have to be wise and use the tools that we already have within us. I am sure that not years, but months from now you will look back and not cringe at your weakness, but feel proud and greater for your courage and hard work to strive for what you truly deserve.
I know you can do this, believe in yourself.
Lot of love,
GabiSeptember 5, 2014 at 11:34 am #64430
First of all, I feel for you. I know exactly what you are going through and it is really very exhausting, drains all of our energies and keeps our mind always focused and obsessed on one thing and one thing only, and sadly, that thing is: crumbs of love. I used to judge people who didn’t know how how to “value” themselves. My mother herself, after divorcing my dad, entered into an abusive relationship and brought the man into my home and my siblings and I would have to watch all of the drama and live in an unhealthy environment without any choice. He would be rude, be mean, be cruel, be abusive really and my mother would always forgive him, and couldn’t see anybody else who was involved in the situation (her own family). She just had to have him around (just like you described, it was almost like a drug she couldn’t live without). I used to judge and judge away – it was probably harder for me because I was in the situation and it was my mother I was dealing with, but I thought she was weak, she was selfish, she was immature and irresponsible, it took many years until she finally ended things with him (or maybe it got to the point where he was the one who ended everything, since she would always forgive), anyhow, those were years of her life that I think were necessary, and she learned a lot from the process – even so, it didn’t have to last for as long as it did, and that is only because, even though we can not contain the pain we feel, we can control how much we suffer upon it.
Speaking very honestly, how long do you intend to live your life this way? I think what you have to focus on right now, slowly, and at your own pace, is on the courage you need to have to make a real and healthy decision for your life, realizing that it will ultimately bring you the happiness you want and deserve in the future and also, on believing in yourself, on not giving up on yourself. You already seem to have some clarity as to how unsustainable your lifestyle is right now, so instead of daydreaming about texts and situations that don’t really exist, instead of rereading past texts and e-mails and holding on to shreds of what was once a relationship and is now over, why don’t you elaborate and analyze over and over again what exactly it is that you want and realize that what you have now is very far from it. While she is living her life with someone else and is happy and free from your relationship (maybe she hangs on to a few “shreds” of what once was because it is possible you have become a safe harbor and she wants to have a Plan B – I’m sorry if that sounds harsh), you are settling for crumbs? Stop giving her space to step all over you like that, is that the kind of person you want to be?
It is time to let go my friend. And that can only happen when you are honest with yourself and truly decide that is what you want. After that, you have to have courage and do a favor to yourself – block her messages so that you will know and have the security that you won’t recieve anything from her. What do you expect to recieve? Do you expect to live your life in “standby” mode? Let go alraedy.You want to live your life at someone elses disposal? Someone who has chosen not to be with you? Make your decision and fight for it, be brave, you have it in you. Have the courage to feel some pain that is inevitable when going through big changes, face your fears, and everyday believe in yourself and in how you can get over it. Make small little decisions everyday like “I am not going to look at my phone”, go crazy, cry, have a hard time – it will pass (the fact that while you wrote your post you checked on your phone twice, shows that you really aren’t making that big of an effort). Your effort needs to be bigger.
I wish you all the best!
GabiSeptember 3, 2014 at 12:48 pm #64336September 3, 2014 at 12:46 pm #64335
@amatt I know the problem isn’t at all mine, but the advice you gave J was seriously probably the best advice I have ever heard from anyone (and I have a degree in Psychology). Would you mind giving me your e-mail address for some potential advice on my situation if it’s not too much to ask? Congratulations on your well balanced spirit, I am admired.September 3, 2014 at 12:39 pm #64334
I honestly think it is time you gave him a little space to breathe. Going through a divorce, especially with a young child is very complicated and although this might sound harsh, maybe you were his “escape mechanism” while going through the difficult time. Of course it is possible that the two of you got along very well and you are obviously very much in love, but sometimes when we are in love we have to know when it’s time to give space and let the universe work some of its magic. Sometimes time apart can be healthy for a couple and he is probably working on himself and on the pain that he is probably going through with so many changes. That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually make it or work things out or talk. I suggest you let him be for a while and after some real soul searching and reflection and time on your own so that the both of you can mellow down and figure out what you really want, and then after ask him if it would be possible to meet personally and talk about possibly getting further involved.
I know how hard it is to be away from the person that we love and usually after creating a lot of expectations and hopes it makes things even harder than they really have to be, but unfortunately it sounds like a “time out” is in order for the two of you so that you can analyze the situation calmly and clearly to make sure you are making the right decisions as to the way you act upon the situation.
Wish you all the best, be patient and kind and no matter what happens, the experience will enrichen you as a person.September 2, 2014 at 5:28 pm #64303
There’s nothing wrong with giving it a shot, reach out!September 2, 2014 at 10:18 am #64249
I always think being honest is the best choice (until a certain limit of course). You should be true to yourself and take a risk for someone who is so special to you, speak the truth, be honest, say what is on your mind, fight for what you want – if you feel like it is getting somewhere (and somewhere that will truly make you happy and is worth the fighting). The worst that can happen is you realizing that there is no reason why you should be chasing after someone who has clearly decided what it is he wants. Speak to him privately and be as open as you can be.September 2, 2014 at 10:09 am #64247
Thank you all so much for your insights and responses. It is sad how I sometimes just wish I could have this sort of feedback from the source of all of this angst and frustration. At the same time I realize I shouldn’t depend on that sort of answer or communication to decide on how I should act upon what is happening to me – it is more than clear that it is time I let go for good. Even so, it is hurtful to see so much indifference coming from a person who I care about so much, it makes me feel very small. When he wants to “chit chat”, make jokes, and talk about his day, I am the one for him and he is always available and interested and 100% in the conversation. When I want to talk about my feelings, what is bothering me, and about this “girl” whom he basically chose over me more than once, then he is busy, he can not speak, he will get back to me (and never does, and afterwards shows up as if I hadn’t said anything at all). It is hard to open up about my feelings and when I do they are completely disregarded. It is clear I should stop insisting on something that isn’t going anywhere and start focusing my energy on myself and on what it is I know I truly deserve.
Anyhow, the process isn’t easy, but I do believe in myself and hope that sooner than later I can clearly see why I have no reason to feel bad about losing someone who doesn’t deserve me around.August 28, 2014 at 9:35 am #64051
The world isn’t fair and things happen in their own time. You can’t expect him to recieve what he deserves immediately for having done something wrong to you.
The fact that him going to college upsets you already comes to prove that your conversation with him wasn’t “random” and you weren’t just innocently “thinking” of him. If you are well aware that he has emotionally abused you and he is no longer in your life, there really is no reason why you should say hi and try to relive a small amount of the happiness that he may have given to you one day.
Expecting revenge and cultivating hatred and frustration is only giving him more of yourself, which he obviously does not deserve. Forget what sort of life he is living now, don’t try and find out. Make a real effort to detach yourself from this person, or else you will never really be mentally free from it.
The difficulty you are facing now regarding your separation from this individual says a lot more about you than it does about him. Because we know that he is someone who doesn’t have the right consideration towards you, but now is your chance to learn from your experience and give yourself the consideration and respect that you deserve.August 27, 2014 at 8:28 am #64015
You should definitely call 911.