No Longer in Love with the Father of my Children

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    Thank you for the encouragement Matt!

    Anita – I completely understand what you are saying and how he is being caused confusion as well. I think what is missing here is the events where ‘violence’ was involved (in front of the children at that), are the events where I was VERY firm in my decision to separate. The event where I called the police, was 1 day after I stood firm in that separating was in our best interests…and after that event conspired, he was crying and BEGGING me to give him ‘one more week’ to prove himself, telling me everything will change, and even told me I could leave if I wanted to leave but I can’t take HIS kids with me. I had no where to go, and the police said they couldn’t make either of us leave that night…and I sure wasn’t leaving the kids alone with him in that state of mind.

    The event where he broke his own hand, was during a conversation where I stood firm again saying we ARE separating and I’m looking for a place for me and the kids to move out, and I was hoping we could agree on terms for arrangements for the kids. He once again was yelling, swearing, accusing, punching things…then soon switched to Begging me to give him longer, he’s changing, everything will be fine, and for the sake of not having the kids witness his anger and to ‘stop the rage’…I felt in that moment all I could do was agree. I have told him SO many times that I won’t change my mind, that more time won’t make it better for us, that I 100% believe separating is what’s best….and he goes back to telling me I can’t take the kids if I go…..so in all honesty I’ve had to wait for my legal side of things to start before I could make the direct choice to move out….in the advice of those around me telling me to ‘pretend things are okay’ for safety sake, until I have more ‘legal rights’.

    I guess what I’m trying to say overall is, I made my no’s and yes’s known….and in those decisions felt completely intimidated one way or another in events that worried me for both my own and the children’s safety to ‘change my decision’ because that’s what he wanted at the time….

    After a week though of him doing so many nice things for us, I see the side of him I really wish could remain so we could parent together and it becomes hard in that moment to realize change is coming….


    Dear Tsukushi:
    He is 100% responsible for his participation in every interaction with you and with any other and you are 100% responsible for yours. For the relationship with him, as it was in the past and as it is not, you are 50% responsible and he is 50% responsible. He is not the Bad Guy and you are not the Good Guy (girl). You both created this unfortunate situation TOGETHER.

    Your yes may be yes and your no may be no at this point and on- and i hope it is, but it wasn’t so before. With a firm no, which is your position now- i hope you do your best to a smooth as possible transition toward a separation. Do your best, being completely responsible for what YOU do from now on, that is taking full responsibility for your participation in any and every interaction with him. Best wishes for all of you, especially for your kids- take good care of them!!!


    Hey Tsukushi,

    I’m sorry you are going through a hard time and I respect you for putting your feelings out on the table, seeking help, and being proactive about the problem you are going through. I repeat, going through – you will find a solution to it, and everything will fall into place as it is meant to.

    The feeling I got as I read your post was that you are in a vulnerable moment, you are not feeling like yourself, you are overwhelmed and confused and want to fix your problem as soon as possible just to put it behind you, and I don’t think that is a wise or sustainable move.

    Before I give my opinion on your practical situation with your husband, I do have to say, I’m sorry to admit but I think it was a mistake to tell him about your attraction to another. An innocent mistake, I agree, because it seems as though you were only trying to illustrate the distance you were feeling to him, but putting myself in his shoes, that must have just increased his fear of losing you and made him focus on the insecurity of betrayal instead of agreeing to work towards improving your relationship. I think “looking to the side” and engaging or nurturing any sort of feeling towards another man at this point, even if platonic, is a bad idea. You have a lot on your plate and not only should, in my opinion, focus on yourself and your relationship, but not depend on him for that sort of insecurity. That ship has sailed however and all you can do is simply continue to reassure him that you will never act upon the interest you felt in the other person, and focus on your relationship with him. Also, traveling with the person of interest also seems like a petty request to make him, and disrespectful as well. I’m sorry if I’m being harsh, but I am simply giving my opinion with your best interest at heart. I know how confusing it can be when we are inside of a situation, we often lose perspective and clouds blur our vision of what is right in front of us. When we are in pain, it is also common for us to be selfish, and I am not blaming you in any way.

    Either way, as for your relationship, my suggsetion would be to find yourself, before making any rash decisions. Do some meditation, do some journaling, remember what your true values are, don’t cling on to feelings that you believe won’t help you reach what it is you want to reach. It seems to me as though you want to give it a shot, but are simply going through a rough patch. It seems to me as though his insecurities are swollen and that is having an even more negative effect on you. My opinion is, you really should try and fight for your relationship, not “hang in there”, but “work things out”, give it a REAL shot. Not as in forcing yourself to feel certain feelings or to be a certain way, rather, open up to him – and that doesn’t mean spilling the beans on your attraction for other guys or telling him how you don’t like him anymore, I mean open your heart to him. Let him in. Engage and take him up on his offers to join you at conferences, on making efforts to change habits you don’t like, and try to join him hand in hand in being the leaders of your family. This isn’t just some guy, and that doesn’t mean you are chained to him, it just means that, since you have children together and he is all in on making an effort, it is worth a real shot. Don’t be in a hurry to make things perfect, just give it a chance, and if it doesn’t work out – you can feel the comfort of knowing you tried.

    Reinforce your boundaries and conditions with him, and put effort in trying to make it work, just as much as you would expect from him – like partners, like a team.

    Hope this has helped in some way.

    All the best.


    Thank you,

    Yes, I agree my conduct is part of everything as well. I do regret the whole ‘crush’ thing I told him about a while back as that really did fuel things, at that point in time that my way to try to say I want to try to fix things before they get worse, just in a weird way that was far from the best way of doing so. At that point in time I really did want to try to fix things, but over the months as interactions between us got worse and I really sided to the idea of we needed time apart from each other to both ‘heal’ and not have the kids keep witnessing the chaos. I believe he means the best, especially for his kids and wants to hold onto the family as a whole.

    Personally I’m at the point where I feel the only chance we have is by living separately, as in his presence I get anxious, stressed, resentful, and I’m constantly accused of infidelity day in and day out (the first thing said to me upon waking this morning was “Did you sleep with him this weekend?” In which…I have never even come close to doing, ever.) My every action, even texting friends or family is analyzed and accused…and it’s just not healthy for either of us…he’s living in constant fear of me cheating on him and I’m living in constant fear of what I’m doing is being considered cheating on him. It’s to the point where he said in counseling he would prefer if I just admit I’m cheating on him, because then this would ‘all be over’….but the absolute truth is I’m not, and never have.

    I’ve felt very strongly for the last 1 – 2 months that moving out for now is the best thing, and now that the chance is happening all of a sudden I’m just overwhelmed with the emotions of it all.


    I’m so intrigued as I am also facing a similar situation (i had a baby with my new partner) and I would love to know how you’re continuing to go about this. I can relate to you so much as I hear you express your feelings.

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