Forum Replies Created
June 16, 2015 at 12:27 pm #78339
Yes, I agree my conduct is part of everything as well. I do regret the whole ‘crush’ thing I told him about a while back as that really did fuel things, at that point in time that my way to try to say I want to try to fix things before they get worse, just in a weird way that was far from the best way of doing so. At that point in time I really did want to try to fix things, but over the months as interactions between us got worse and I really sided to the idea of we needed time apart from each other to both ‘heal’ and not have the kids keep witnessing the chaos. I believe he means the best, especially for his kids and wants to hold onto the family as a whole.
Personally I’m at the point where I feel the only chance we have is by living separately, as in his presence I get anxious, stressed, resentful, and I’m constantly accused of infidelity day in and day out (the first thing said to me upon waking this morning was “Did you sleep with him this weekend?” In which…I have never even come close to doing, ever.) My every action, even texting friends or family is analyzed and accused…and it’s just not healthy for either of us…he’s living in constant fear of me cheating on him and I’m living in constant fear of what I’m doing is being considered cheating on him. It’s to the point where he said in counseling he would prefer if I just admit I’m cheating on him, because then this would ‘all be over’….but the absolute truth is I’m not, and never have.
I’ve felt very strongly for the last 1 – 2 months that moving out for now is the best thing, and now that the chance is happening all of a sudden I’m just overwhelmed with the emotions of it all.June 16, 2015 at 10:09 am #78331
Thank you for the encouragement Matt!
Anita – I completely understand what you are saying and how he is being caused confusion as well. I think what is missing here is the events where ‘violence’ was involved (in front of the children at that), are the events where I was VERY firm in my decision to separate. The event where I called the police, was 1 day after I stood firm in that separating was in our best interests…and after that event conspired, he was crying and BEGGING me to give him ‘one more week’ to prove himself, telling me everything will change, and even told me I could leave if I wanted to leave but I can’t take HIS kids with me. I had no where to go, and the police said they couldn’t make either of us leave that night…and I sure wasn’t leaving the kids alone with him in that state of mind.
The event where he broke his own hand, was during a conversation where I stood firm again saying we ARE separating and I’m looking for a place for me and the kids to move out, and I was hoping we could agree on terms for arrangements for the kids. He once again was yelling, swearing, accusing, punching things…then soon switched to Begging me to give him longer, he’s changing, everything will be fine, and for the sake of not having the kids witness his anger and to ‘stop the rage’…I felt in that moment all I could do was agree. I have told him SO many times that I won’t change my mind, that more time won’t make it better for us, that I 100% believe separating is what’s best….and he goes back to telling me I can’t take the kids if I go…..so in all honesty I’ve had to wait for my legal side of things to start before I could make the direct choice to move out….in the advice of those around me telling me to ‘pretend things are okay’ for safety sake, until I have more ‘legal rights’.
I guess what I’m trying to say overall is, I made my no’s and yes’s known….and in those decisions felt completely intimidated one way or another in events that worried me for both my own and the children’s safety to ‘change my decision’ because that’s what he wanted at the time….
After a week though of him doing so many nice things for us, I see the side of him I really wish could remain so we could parent together and it becomes hard in that moment to realize change is coming….June 16, 2015 at 8:38 am #78324
Well, I’m coming back here as things are so close to my ‘turning’ point, and so much has happened since I last posted and I’m just having a moment of emotional turmoil with changes coming at me quickly now. Things progressively got worse, we did go to counseling together for a bit, but things Still got worse at home. And by worse I mean a month ago there was a point I called the police because he was freaking out at me for hiding posts on my Facebook page from him….and he turned on my computer and ordered me to log on and show him to prove I wasn’t cheating on him, pushed me off of my computer then physically held me back so he could attempt to read my private message with the man he’s constantly accusing me of cheating with….he even contacted my friend on his own accord and told him to stay away from me (in which my friend became more supportive of me when he found out what was going on!).
Less than a month ago he broke his hand punching a desk out of anger when I was trying to discuss with him that we need to separate and I’m looking for a place….
Every single time I feel he Knows we are separating and we end up ‘getting along’ for a day after such a discussion, he suddenly assumes and acts like we are back together again because there were no incidents between us…
Now for the last week or so….he has been going overboard with the gifts / compliments / I love you’s / I’m now a changed man so you can be proud of me one day…..
So, I did speak to a lawyer to know my rights….unfortunately just leaving with the kids in my case wasn’t to my advantage because where I live I HAVE to provide him access to them when there are no custody orders, and he would be allowed to do the same to me…and the last thing I wanted was to get the kids caught in the middle of some mess like that…On that note he has used them against me in the recent past saying things such as “If you ever leave with the kids without my permission, I’m calling the police to report you for kidnapping!”
I got myself on the waiting list for legal aid where I’m from..and this week I meet up with my lawyer who is supposed to help me with custody, etc…..the other thing being in the province I am from the courts seek 50/50 as much as possible, even if there is a history of drug use, etc…..so I really need to be careful about this as well. I keep getting told the absolute best thing is to agree with him without the courts being involved on child arrangements, unless there’s absolute proof of his behaviour. :-/
That being said, I have the paperwork in my hands to sigh a lease to move out….and as much as I know that one day I will be proud for making that choice, I’m having a bit of a panic attack of feeling of absolute guilt for what I’m doing to him, as he said I’m taking everything away from him that matters, destroying our family, etc……logically I know that’s not true and this choice I will be happy with, but emotionally right now I’m feeling this is overboard and too much…..he’s being so nice now, he’s a good dad, he’s taken care of us financially, I’ll make things even worse with this choice…..gah!!February 24, 2015 at 11:37 am #73260
Thank you for giving me some confidence back here! I guess I just have to find out at this point what ‘rights’ he has to the kids (almost 3 and almost 2), as now he has been completely playing up his role in their life and telling me he believes he would be the one to get them and I’d be stuck with occasional ‘visiting rights’…that really does scare me, and the truth is he’s never spent longer then 8 hours alone with them himself so how he expects to handle them full time is beyond me. (Unless he is only saying that as a last resort scare tactic, who knows)…February 24, 2015 at 7:07 am #73247
Well I hate to feel bothersome just adding to my story here haha….at this point I am just so emotionally worn down based on things that happened over the last 2 days that I really don’t know where else to state my feelings about events at the moment….
My ideas that we could ‘civilly’ handle the crisis I laid out about ‘not being in love anymore’ have totally gone out the window. It’s been turned into events with everything from him yelling insults at me in front of the kids, with me and the kids crying at points (In which he said he was happy to see me cry because I just seem like an emotionless robot to him otherwise), to him crying and begging me not to leave and apologizing for the last few years over and over, back to him talking about how he’s done no wrong and he has many issues with how I’m being a ‘mother’…..and he doesn’t believe the things that hurt me were anything he needs to apologize for because they were ‘true’. For example “You’re not living up to your duties as a mother because I often come home to chaos and no supper on the table” , “You deciding to go to University part time totally went against what our original plan was with you staying at home and has made you neglect the kids” , “I better keep track of my own finances now because if we separate I’m going to be the one providing for the kids since you can’t” …it goes on….. and now today it’s back to “I want you to try harder to be affectionate to me so we can work this out” …. I feel like now I just Have to owe that to him whether or not I feel in love anymore is beside the point……I know it really hurt him to say I’m not in love anymore and as he stated many times “I did so much for you, and complimented you all the time, and supported your random interests, etc. and this is all I get back” but really…that’s now how I felt the last couple years….February 22, 2015 at 5:37 am #73133
Well just to follow up at this point, I explained in truth last night to him that my thoughts have gone so far as to consider us retaining a respectful friendship and me ‘letting him go’ as my significant other because it’s not fair to him that I can’t give him the intimacy he desires, nor is it fair to the kids, etc.
His initial response was at first to suggest that’s even more reason for us to get married because divorce is more difficult, so I would be forced to try harder and he would have piece of mind I can’t just ‘leave’, which I of course pointed out being a horrible reason to get married…. He also said he is frustrated by how I just do everything I want to do usually without consulting him much in it (such as joining new activities, getting a gym membership, going to University part-time, etc.), and said he’s already ‘been there done it all including education’ so he doesn’t need to keep learning and doing new things in his life because he knows what he wants now. And lastly he says if we split up he loses ‘Everything’. I tried to explain the worst case scenario being him not losing everything as he still has his children and we still spend time together with them and maintain a friendship similar to what we have…and really that’s not as bad as us hating and disrespecting each other! I know that truthfully he’s scared of his family thinking he’s a ‘failure’ as he constantly shoulders a burden that his family ‘looks down upon him’ and thinks he’s not capable of much and this would just compliment those thoughts…..but I guess that’s truly not my responsibility to deal with those feelings of failure and loss he’s worried of?
So, that being said. I said I want to maintain our working relationship for a bit (and for me a bit is maybe a max of 1 month) ‘as is’ to see if I have any chance for a change of heart, which he wants me to try for as well…so I will wait things out a bit after explaining my real intentions to see if that remains as my real intention still? Hah.February 21, 2015 at 7:57 am #73092
Thank you for your great input! Lots of great, but simple wisdom for me to consider now. 🙂February 20, 2015 at 12:21 pm #73074
Thank you for your input Ashley!
The whole thing is an emotional mess almost hour to hour. For example today at lunch he came home and said he was perfectly fine now about things and seemed to be out of his “clinging” mindset. He is a good father, the kids do love him, and I see moments where I feel things could be okay if I ‘wait it out’, but then I realize what I’m experiencing in those good moments now is how I want things to be if we were ‘friends’ sharing parenting duties….as I still just can’t bring myself to honestly provide physical intimacy anymore.
As for what you said about providing a good example of a healthy relationship to my children, that is totally true, and I should know better considering my own parents separated when I was almost done high school….and recall thinking “Why didn’t they just move on sooner?”.
Honestly the only thing holding me back at this point is being scared of breaking my kids’ hearts by separating their family as they’ve known it so far….they’re such happy little souls!February 20, 2015 at 9:07 am #73066
Wow, you just described what I just was trying to say, just in a much more condensed form then I was able to! I will definitely follow your story as well…