Mind versus Heart - Should I get back together with him?

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 2 months ago by Gabriela.

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October 8, 2014 at 8:49 am #66120

Rachel
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Hello everyone,
A year ago, my live-in boyfriend of 4 years, ended our relationship. He claimed that he “wasn’t ready for his wife”, basically he wanted to sleep with other people. I was devastated. He began sleeping with a younger co-worker of his, and I found myself in a deep state of depression. A little after a month later, he came crawling back to me. He said he made a huge mistake, and that he didn’t want to let me go, and he just panicked.. etc.. We ended up getting back together. We were together for 4 months, until he began to act very distant towards me. Our relationship hadn’t been easy since our month-long break up, and I was suffering with the fact that he had slept with someone else, someone who he still worked with.. But we were working on it, and it was getting better until it got worse. I confronted him about it, and he admitted that he still wasn’t “ready”, that he still felt like he needed to be alone. I moved out of our apartment for good, and tried to start the moving on process. He made it very difficult to do so, I was always receiving text messages saying that he still loves me, that he still wants to be with me someday, some texts just said “hi”, I responded to some, saw him a few times and slept with him even though I knew I shouldn’t. Then I found out he was seeing the young co-worker he had slept with again. She was posting pictures of them together on social media, and it became very clear to me that they were in a relationship.

I was indescribably devastated. My heart had never been so broken. He tried to convince me that he was spending time with her as a distraction, because it was easy and available, but that he was always adamant with her that they were not “together” and that he was not committed, nor monogamous with her. I took some time to reflect on me, and enacted a vow of silence to my ex. I blocked contact from him via my iPhone. I forwarded his emails to my trash, and allowed myself to attempt to move on from him. One drunken night, after almost 2 months of no-contact, I unblocked him, and prepared to send him a long, message about how terrible of a person he was for what he did to me, and etc, etc. I luckily, passed out before ever sending him that message, but woke up to two texts from him, saying that he really needs to talk. I continued to ignore him for weeks, without reblocking him, I received daily texts, all declaring his love for me, begging me to hear him out before I never speak to him again.

Well, long story short, I spoke to him, I ended up seeing him. He said he ended things with that girl, that they no longer work together, that he knows there is a reason why he has thought about me everyday since we broke up, that that he’s not happy without me, that he wants to be with me now, that he is ready to commit to me in every way he wasn’t ready to before, and that he would do anything to have me and not let me go this time..

I have been doing so good alone, I’ve never felt more independent or alive, I’ve started mediating and practicing yoga daily and I really feel more intone with myself than ever before. However, my heart was so thrilled to hear him say those words. I couldn’t help but sink into them. Through a lot of self examination, I realize that I still so deeply love and want to be with this man, despite all the pain he has caused me. But my mind is less than thrilled. I feel like I am too strong, too smart, too independent to fall for this again. I feel like my heart is just going to be broken all over again. It doesn’t help that I am not sure I have a single person in my life who would support my decision to get back together with him.

I’m so stuck. How do I make this decision? Who do I follow, what my heart feels, or what my mind is telling me?

October 8, 2014 at 10:13 am #66123
Jessenia
Participant
HI Rachel

I’m Very Sorry that your going thru this right now, i could relate on what you going thru right now, i know the feeling of someone who you care for so deeply, and found that the slept with someone else even if we are not together, the mind and heart are at war, that how i like to say it, but you have to recognize your feeling and remember those feeling when your at that “place” how you felt at that time, and if you can truly forgive him and let go of the past, know his feeling and what he wants then , once you have the answer in front of you, I know you will make the right choice that will be good for you,

If you do take him back just don’t expect high expectations, take it one day at time. Keep doing your daily life, when you were without him and nothing wrong with talking to him if you want to talk to him, but you have let be know what your feelings are and what you want, and if it doesn’t work out at least you tried your best to make it work, it your choice and nobody else, i should say who care what other think of your choice, they not living your life, if people don’t approve oh well you know, do whatever make you happy, weather it family or friends they should always support your choice even if they bad or good choices,

I hope this help, You’ll be alright ^_^
- This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Jessenia. Reason: spelling
October 8, 2014 at 11:12 am #66125

Chris
Participant

Hi Rachel,

I’m sorry for your heartbreak and pain. I am a man and would like to give you my perspective on the subject. I know I should not try to tell you what to do, but I must speak from the heart. If you were my sister I would tell you to move on. Find somebody who will value your love and stay true to you. I’m sorry, but there is nothing you could have done or not done to deserve to be cheated on. To me, it’s the ultimate disrespect. And in your case it’s happened twice. I know what it feels like to have somebody I loved hurt me badly. The fact is this. You may love him, but he does not love you the same way. If he did, he would not have hurt you like this. It’s selfish and childish of him to try to have you and another woman at the same time. Such a man is not trust-able and irresponsible. You deserve better. You deserve love. You deserve a person who will respect you and treat you well. If you still love him, do so from a distance. Don’t let him hurt you again. Your heart deserves better.

October 8, 2014 at 11:29 am #66126

Gabriela
Participant

Hi Rachel,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Not only is it good to have some different opinions on the matter, it is possible that other people (like myself) are going though a very similar experience and have interesting things to say to you. First of all, I am very sorry you had to go through such a rough time. Losing someone we deeply care for is extremely painful and when you add “betrayal” to the mix, the consequences are devastating, to say the least. Betrayal not only hurts, but it messes with our self esteem and in our confidence and security in ourselves. Because of someone else’s bad (and selfish) decision, we are left picking up the pieces and dealing with the very difficult consequences. It is something that truly scars, no matter what happens afterwards. Mostly, in my opinion, one of the things that make betrayal hard to face, is how it is something we would never be capable of doing, especially not to people we care about. It is hard to consider trusting and relying on someone who has had the selfishness and cruelty to hurt and humiliate us that way.

But one thing I can tell you with certainty, that anguishing pain will pass, even if it takes long. So be patient with yourself. Not only that, but be patient with the situation as a whole, and be selfish too. No matter what other people think or tell you, this is your life. I’m sure you understand why it is that your loved ones are against a possibility of your rekindling with him – it is because they love you and want to avoid the chance of you getting hurt again. However, only you are living your life, feeling your feelings, and facing the consequences of your decisions. So, when considering what to do, don’t put on that “extra stress”. Your loved ones want you to be happy, and if somehow you are able to find happiness with this person, they will be happy for you and adjust with time.

Now, the real question however is, is it right of you to go back to him? I don’t think there is a right answer here, but what the wise thing to do would be to predict all of the possible outcomes and if you are willing to risk getting hurt again. Is it worth it? Do you feel safe? Maybe you could allow him to bond with you, but not actually get back together. Like “friends” who are hanging out and spending time together (not hooking up obviously) and taking the time that is necessary so that you can feel secure and confident that this is really what is best for you. Sometimes I think we get “addicted” to relationships and don’t even know why we are in them any longer. We block out the pain that is stashed inside and only cling on to the happy and fun times and try to convince and fool ourselves that risks are necessary, even if the happiness associated to them are only temporary. Be patient and be calm and love yourself above loving him. Make healthy and wise decisions and don’t ever be afraid that if you don’t choose to be with him now, you may lose him again. If he wants to go because you are not running back to him like a silly pet, then I suggest you hold the door wide open and with a smile on your face. We fight for the things we want and we don’t let go so easily, your endurance and consideration for him are the perfect evidence to prove that, so now it is on his plate to decide how he wants to treat you and handle the mess that he made. It is not your job to clean it up and he is lucky if you even give him the chance to try and make things right.

I say be honest, but play the game with patience and intelligence. Don’t show him all the cards at once and make sure you get the love, attention and most of all respect that you deserve, because what he did was simply direspectful and very mean.

Embrace the feelings your heart is feeling, recognize them, acknowledge them, but don’t surrender to them, life isn’t based on emotions, there needs to be some rationality and coherence between our feelings and actions. Think about what you’re going through as if it was a friend you’d be giving advice to. There are no right or wrong or ready answers, we just have to be patient to deal with the material and information we are given, slowly. Be good to you and put yourself first, and only settle for what you truly deserve.

Lots of love!
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