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Staying zen while dealing with an ex

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  • November 2, 2015 at 9:03 pm #86627
    Suzie
    Participant

    I have 2 ex’s in which I have children with. First I may point out that following the Buddhist life and parenting seem to clash so much. I can be calm and then wham!

    The latest is with my son’s father. Over the course of the last month, his girlfriends son has punched, slapped and pushed my son down the stairs. I have addressed this with his dad and the daycare has as well (bc he is acting up) and then another incident happens. He lies and makes it seem like it’s his other friends child and not hers. He says that he’s dealt with it. Boys will be boys.

    One thing I can not handle is someone hurting my kids. It makes me very angry. To the point my neck tenses up and I can’t breathe. And it’s beyond my control.

    When I take a stand, his father verbally abuses me via texts messages. I feel I make progress but then it all comes crashing down as he virtually chokes me through the phone.

    My question is this: How do you be a Buddhist and follow the teachings when dealing with someone like this?
    How can I conduct myself in a befitting manor while still keeping my family safe.

    I feel helpless and back at square one. All the meditation and educating seems to fall by the wayside. Can someone offer some advise?

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Suzie.
    November 3, 2015 at 5:40 am #86641
    Gabriela
    Participant

    Hello,

    My piece of advice to you, to deal with your ex and still maintain as much inner peace as possible, would be setting boundaries. There is only so much that is in our reach and in our control, such as your power and right to ensure your son’s physical well being, his schedules and his emotional health. What is not in your reach/control is your ex’s behavior, his gf’s behavior, and his gf’s son’s behavior. So, to maintain your inner peace, you use the tools you have in front of you to deal with the situation in the best possible manner.

    I don’t know how old your son is, but whenever/if ever he is in his father’s care and gets hurt, you can teach him to call you or reach out to you, so you can pick him up and he can be in an environment that he is safe. It’s hard to know exactly what is going on over on the other side, and a lot of other details in the specific situation aren’t clear, so my best piece of advice to you would be that – work with your tools, and never nurture or feed into aggression or verbal abuse. When that is the response coming from your ex, you can give him your silence, and at most the space to have a mature conversation whenever he pleases, such as “It seems you are upset and I don’tt hink we can come to a solution right now. When you calm down, if you’d like to talk about the situation to ensure our son’s well being, please feel free to reach out. I am only looking for his best interest.

    Hope this some how helps.
    All the best!

    November 3, 2015 at 8:05 am #86645
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear qsie:

    Document the best you can, in writing, the times, places and details when your son was attacked by those who did- in your ex bf’s place and in day care and wherever else it may be. After at best one talk and warning to the people responsible and after people responsible taking responsibility for what happened (the ex bf saying: yes, I should have supervised, I will be watching closely from now on and NOT “boys will be boys”!) REMOVE your son from the dangerous to him environment. If you ex bf will not supervise, will not take responsibility, have him (ex bf) interact with your son under YOUR supervision only.

    Regarding being a Buddhist and integrate it into parenting when that involves an ex that is unreasonable, annoying, etc.- for me, it is not about adhering to certain RULES (as, for example, and I am paraphrasing: though shall not get angry at anyone.. stay calm no matter what). It is about accepting the emotion in you whatever it is and looking for the message in it. Every emotion has a valid message and once delivered, it, the emotion, has done its job. Once you take action based on the valid message in the anger you feel, the anger will dissipate. Once you do all you can do and protect your son…

    anita

    November 3, 2015 at 9:14 pm #86716
    Suzie
    Participant

    you both are amazing! thank you for taking the time to write all you did. Sometimes you need you have someone else that isn’t emotionally invested to give direction and advise that’s not hinged on such emotion.

    I tend to be hyper sensitive when it comes to someone or something hurting my kids. Like rageful. I kept my cool on the initial but the responding texts full of spiteful and condescending comments through me into a spin.

    Ive decided that if he responds abusively via text that he will be told that it is unacceptable and further texts will lead to a number change and he will need to go through a third party to mediate. He will loose all privileges.

    I didn’t leave him and better my life to be sucked back into a hell hole right? ra ra

    November 4, 2015 at 7:28 am #86728
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear qsie:

    You are welcome. Deciding on consequences for his actions is an excellent idea. If you can bring negative-to-him consequences for his abusive behavior- that is the way to go! You will feel less powerless that way (exerting power via consequences means you are reasonably powerful, not powerless) and that therefore less angry. Your anger will be channeled and resolved through action, that is how it will stop circulating inside your head. Emotion, Energy-in-Motion, motion being action, setting consequences.

    anita

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