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Should I stay friends with him or cut it off?

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  • #78726
    Courtney
    Participant

    I’ve been “seeing” this guy for 7 weeks. For the first 3 weeks there was a very strong physical connection (and we have been physically intimate on a few occasions). We went from texting and sending each other pictures every day to a small amount of contact every 2-3 days. He hasn’t made a strong effort to see me for the past 3 weeks and has told me he doesn’t want a serious relationship right now.

    I like his personality and I enjoy talking to him and spending time with him. I would like more with him but he obviously doesn’t want that with me. Last week I got to the point of accepting that he’d do the inevitable “fade-out” and I’d eventually stop hearing from him all together, but when I started to pull away he started to text me and send me pictures again, which just fueled my desire for more.

    I don’t want to burn a bridge and cut him out of my life. I want to keep him as a friend and not have any expectations, but my emotions are just getting in the way. I feel conflicted. Should I just accept him as a friend or cut it off all together and move on?

    #78730
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:
    You wrote: “I don’t want to burn a bridge.” It is making me think as I type this, what does it mean to “burn a bridge”- a bridge is a place that makes it possible to move from one place to another place. So the one place to move from is where you are now and the other place to move to is having more with him, you didn’t expand on it but I assume you mean … to love and be loved in return, a commitment, him loving you completely and only you…? Maybe if you, not I- define where THERE is, where the bridge in your mind is leading to…?

    And you are hoping that if you continue the interactions with him in the present context (the here) than he will fall in love with you and see you as The One? Are you hoping he will see in you what he is not seeing now?

    So… you have a purpose, an agenda, how are you going to pursue it? Act in what ways?

    Or maybe be authentic right now, share with him this very question you ask at the end of this post- tell HIM you are feeling conflicted, that you don’t know if you should accept him as a friend or cut him all together?

    And while you are at it, how about asking (yourself and) him what being a friend with him will look like- oh, the great advances you can achieve by simply asking for information from him and from you.

    This is what i came up with. What do you think?
    anita

    #78742
    Gabriela
    Participant

    Hey Courtney,

    From what you’ve told, I think that a genuine friendship seems pretty much out of the picture, especially when in reality it seems as though you have second intentions and are using a “friendship” as an excuse to keep him around just in case he changes his mind about the possibilities of what you two might become. Although it may seem a little rash to tell you to just cut him out of your life, I do think you should listen to what he is telling you when saying he doesn’t want a “serious relationship”, even though it might hurt.

    I particulary think it is a sign that he just isn’t that “in to you”. A person doesn’t suddenly wake up one day and say, “Okay, now I want a serious relationship, let me go find one”, they meet someone, connect, and enjoy spending more and more time with that person until it suddenly becomes serious, which doesn’t mean it becomes a burden (I feel as though men feel a serious relationshp equals a scary monster) – it becomes consistent and includes loyalty.

    Since you have been involved for a short amount of time, I would say you have two options – either walk away, without fear, and with courage, and give yourself the chance to meet new pople, or simply have more time to get to know yourself, considering you do have the chance of getting hurt and are in dangerous territory since you obviously have feelings for him and expectations don’t seem to be aligned or, make sure you know how to step on the breaks of your feelings when they start intensifying, and take it easy with him if you are seeing no major red flags, in the hope that perhaps you two may build something together over time, simply enjoying eachothers company if it something the both of you enjoy and can handle with ease.

    Wish you the very best.

    #78849
    Courtney
    Participant

    Thank you both for your replies. Deep down I know he’s just “not that into me.” The loneliness, rejection, and boredom of being alone is weighing pretty heavily on me right now. I think about him all the time and randomly think of little things I’d like to talk to him about, but his responses to me lately have indicated little interest so there is no point. I have to respect myself as well as him and not push something that isn’t going to happen.

    I love the excitement of a new romance and connecting with another person and when that’s taken away I feel pretty empty. I try to fill my time with constructive things like eating well, yoga, and spending time with friends… but it just doesn’t feel the same. I’m having an extremely hard time finding the type of fulfillment I feel from a romantic partnership in myself when I’m alone and single.

    I’ve been trying to focus on things I’m passionate about. I recently submitted several poems for publication, finished a book, and started house-hunting. You’d think that would bring me fulfillment, but it only does so much. Then I’m just left feeling lonely and sad again.

    #78850
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:
    Congratualtions for deciding to move on and for doing as well as you do. I hope that soon enough you will find the love that you need in another man. It takes only one, the right one, a man available and compatible. How wonderful it can be, will be. This loneliness and sadness is not forever. Don’t let it engulf you as if it is to always be there.
    anita

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