Forum Replies Created
March 30, 2018 at 12:38 pm #200145
Maybe just focus on the present moment with him?
June 24, 2016 at 10:56 pm #108175
- This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Courtney.
Anita: Once again, you put things in perspective. If you aren’t a writer, you should be! While I don’t know your exact situation, I wish you happiness and peace. I hope that is something you’ve already found.
Wderlust: I’m sorry to hear you went through a similar situation. I know one day I’ll forgive him (to let go of negative energy and find inner-peace). I guess I’m just not quite there yet. I related to what you said. I felt like in my mind I had a home, a family, and a future with the person I loved. These things all have me a sense of purpose and something to work toward. But in reality, these things didn’t actually exist. Just the thought of them.
I also strongly relate to what you said about Big and Carrie getting married in the court house. Honestly, while a wedding can be a beautiful event- I would rather have a private, simple wedding with the person I love any day. I don’t really care about ring styles, or wedding invitation designs, or any of that… All I want is someone who I can love, someone who loves me back, and a unity where we have a strong partnership and friendship.
I hope that person is out there. I’ve tried so hard to pick up the pieces of my former life, put together a new one, and then put my best foot forward in the dating world. Unfortunately, I haven’t had any luck. But maybe one day. Maybe next week. Maybe next decade. I’ll never know.January 22, 2016 at 7:35 pm #93385
No doubt you’re confused by my timeline. I was incorrect and have been casually dating more than one person with the hopes that it’ll turn into something stronger.
Let me correct myself: We met in November. Dated “non-exclusively” for approximately 1 month. At 2 months we then became “exclusive” boyfriend and girlfriend. After he asked me to be “exclusive” and his “girlfriend” we became physically intimate and then he started withdrawing. He wasn’t texting me as much, he wasn’t calling, he had an opportunity to see me and didn’t.January 21, 2016 at 9:32 am #93236
I met him almost 3 months ago. Almost all of the men I’ve dated have NOT turned into “exclusive” relationships. That’s another topic entirely. I didn’t know if my “non-exclusive” relationship with him was going to go anywhere when I wrote that post in December. So many of my “relationships” start out intense and passionate but then they don’t turn into anything.
I’m still with him, but we decided to take a “step back” and try to get to know each other as friends again. I’m afraid to let go, but I don’t think this is working. He was putting in effort when we had the “take a step back” talk and now he’s a bit withdrawn again. I’ll text something really nice and thoughtful to him and focus on the good in him and our good experiences and he’ll say, “It’s been pretty nice with you too. Some of my happiest times have been with you.” The words that stick out to me are, “It’s been PRETTY nice with you too.”
He just doesn’t feel the same way I’ve felt about him and he feels I’m overreacting to his needs for space and constantly says to “just let things happen naturally and turn out the way they’re suppose to.”January 12, 2016 at 2:14 pm #92255
Thank you for the responses, everyone.
I apologize if I was not engaging in conversation with you. I do appreciate the time you take to respond and would like to look deeper into the issue.
Yes, there has been a pattern where men come on very strong and interested for several months and then withdraw. I remember us talking about how I may be acting needy and co-dependent and driving them away. In several relationships, I feel this may have been the case. In my current relationship though I’ve made a concerted effort to not make the relationship my only priority. Of course, it’s important to me and I put forth effort, but I’ve also made an effort to pursue my interests and make plans with my friends.
Deep down, I feel him withdrawing is more a personal issue for him than a reflection of how I’ve acted. He keeps reiterating that “I’m perfect,” “I’m kind,” “I take an interest in his culture and family,” “I ask him about his hobbies,” etc…
Honestly, he seems to be a major “sayer” and not a “doer.” This is an example of a text he recently sent me (in between his periods of withdrawing)…and yes, I’m typing this out word-for-word:
“You make me feel soooo good! You’re my favorite! I’m truly happy you’re my girlfriend! I’d do anything for you! I’ll be by your side through anything! I’m truly blessed to have you in my life! :)”
And then I don’t hear from him after our phone conversation or all day and almost an entire day passes and he still doesn’t respond to a text I send him. I think he WANTS to feel these things for me, but I don’t think he actually does. If he did, then I don’t think it would be an issue to communicate with me and if he really loved me…then I don’t think it’d be an issue to tell me again after the first initial time he said it.
I’m feeling so frustrated right now. I don’t believe his behavior will change and it’ll only bring me more hurt and confusion if I stay.December 4, 2015 at 9:14 am #88867
You both actually have awesome advice and I’ll be re-reading it whenever I’m feeling low. Thanks for the thoughtful responses!December 1, 2015 at 2:51 pm #88676
Anita, I also could have been more independent (even despite having an illness). There was a point where I was co-dependent and I feel I’m becoming less and less so as time goes on. I’m more aware of not being co-dependent and so reliant on another person for everything. Now that I’ve been single for quite awhile I’m doing A LOT more things alone, despite having Lyme Disease (grocery shopping, running errands, cooking, etc…). It’s not always easy and sometimes I literally do have to ask for help. But I’m trying.December 1, 2015 at 2:48 pm #88675
Anita, you and TriangleSun have both offered interesting and different perspectives. I apologize, I forgot to respond to the Thanksgiving question.
My Thanksgiving was actually great. When I responded to the man who wanted to get coffee with me, I was honest and said, “I had a great Thanksgiving. I went up north to my hometown and was able to see a lot of extended family I haven’t seen in awhile. How was your Thanksgiving?” He still hasn’t texted me back and I highly doubt he will.
I suppose it would help if I changed my perspective on loneliness, eh? Instead of thinking of it as “being alone,” I could think of it more positively as “solitude.” While some men may have picked up on my very apparent want for companionship, I have to admit I did a fair amount of relationship-ending myself because I’ve grown a bit picky and am looking for a person who I have an amazing connection with.
I think physical intimacy is very important to me and gives me a feeling of security. That’s how having a boyfriend/husband would differ from my relationships with friends and family. I’m a big hand-holder, hugger, cuddler, etc…
Thanks for your replies!December 1, 2015 at 12:32 pm #88650
Anita, I believe he wanted to be with someone who was more independent. During a large part of our relationship I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease and a lot of stress fell on him (wedding planning, medical bills, walking our dog when I couldn’t, cooking when I couldn’t, etc…). He was unhappy and chose to walk away.
What I needed from him was a deeper level of commitment, understanding, and patience (patience because fully resolving Lyme takes time).December 1, 2015 at 12:18 pm #88644
Anita, thank you for taking the time to write. I haven’t seen your question to me in the other thread yet, but I’ll look for it after this post. I recognize that I ignored red flags in my past relationship. I truly believe I’ve learned from my experience with that particular individual and I wouldn’t make the same choice to stay again (no matter how much it hurts to leave, I’d rather leave than be in another relationship like that one).
Here’s the thing. I love companionship. I love the nurturing feeling of being in a relationship. I love the feeling of partnership and having one special person who cares about you and sees you in a distinctly different light than others (family, friends, etc…)… I genuinely hate not having that.
I’ve tried “just being happy alone” and I don’t like it. While I’m a lot more independent than I used to be, I don’t feel an immense amount of joy doing things alone. I try to say kind things to myself, go out and treat myself to dessert, pamper myself by doing my nails, and grabbing my favorite blanket to cuddle up with (alone) on the couch and watch my favorite movie. Maybe some people aren’t meant to feel fully happy alone? Aren’t we technically creatures that thrive in unions and closely among other humans?
Am I completely missing the mark? What should I be doing differently to find peace? I strongly question if I’ll find peace “just being alone.”December 1, 2015 at 8:20 am #88625
I spent five years and deep down maybe new we weren’t compatible but we were infatuated with each other and on some level “loved” each other, but argued constantly. We tried to make things work for years and then it kind of blew-up. It wasn’t until the end that I realized, “Okay, we’re clearly not compatible and I need to walk away (well I didn’t have much choice since he’s the one who technically left in the first place).
People always say, “You’re a pretty girl.” “You’ll find someone eventually.” “You’re such a nice person, why are you single?” I can’t answer these questions because I’ve tried and literally gave online dating 110% of my energy and effort and didn’t find a meaningful, long-lasting relationship with a SINGLE person out of everyone I messaged with and dated.
Sure, I can sit back and chill out and do my thing. Ask me where I’ll be in 10 years. Most likely still single without a partner who cares about me.
This isn’t like a test where you can study, put forth your greatest effort, and then be rewarded with the love of your life. This is a complete crapshoot and, like I said, sometimes I believe I’m going to leave the “dating casino” empty-handed or more broke than I was when I came in.November 30, 2015 at 10:07 pm #88616
Lynn, this was so wonderfully put! I feel like you’re describing one of my most recent relationships!
I met an Anesthesiologist Resident on a dating site and completely fell for him. Our chemistry made me feel alive. I was completely infatuated by him: his attractiveness, his smell, even looking into his eyes made me blush.
He talked to me about his love for art (which I love as well), his beliefs aligned with mine, and I instantly thought he may be the one.
Reality check! As the weeks went on my attraction for him grew but he steadily started pulling away saying he was “so busy.” He went from texting me in the operating room (literally, before or after his job was done) to not texting me for days at a time.
I’m so happy you wrote out the “hooks” of your relationship. I related to them. I imagine a future with this man, but deep in my heart I know there is no future. If I have a true love, he wouldn’t continuously miss or avoid opportunities to see or talk to me.
I think it’s time to let him go for good. I’ll miss him, but I’ll also miss the entire fantasy life I created. That’s all it is. A fantasy.November 30, 2015 at 9:47 pm #88614
Good topic. My longest relationship lasted five years and the man I was with proposed to me. He ended up calling off our wedding and leaving. He metaphorically dropped a nuclear bomb on everything we created together. After all is said and done and I do still think about him often. A lot of my feelings toward him feel sad. I only miss the good times. I wouldn’t get back together with him though because our relationship wasn’t a healthy one. We weren’t what each other needed.June 25, 2015 at 3:00 pm #78849
Thank you both for your replies. Deep down I know he’s just “not that into me.” The loneliness, rejection, and boredom of being alone is weighing pretty heavily on me right now. I think about him all the time and randomly think of little things I’d like to talk to him about, but his responses to me lately have indicated little interest so there is no point. I have to respect myself as well as him and not push something that isn’t going to happen.
I love the excitement of a new romance and connecting with another person and when that’s taken away I feel pretty empty. I try to fill my time with constructive things like eating well, yoga, and spending time with friends… but it just doesn’t feel the same. I’m having an extremely hard time finding the type of fulfillment I feel from a romantic partnership in myself when I’m alone and single.
I’ve been trying to focus on things I’m passionate about. I recently submitted several poems for publication, finished a book, and started house-hunting. You’d think that would bring me fulfillment, but it only does so much. Then I’m just left feeling lonely and sad again.June 23, 2015 at 7:58 am #78729
I think Anita is right with this quote, “A radish is just a radish. His words: monster. Unattractive. These are just words. They mean so much to you but in themselves they don’t mean that much.” If someone was saying these words to you in a language you didn’t understand, you’d walk away oblivious and un-impacted.
Speak to yourself as if you were speaking to a friend or a small child. Trying saying things like, “You’re not a monster, you’re a good person. You’re not unattractive, you’re beautiful.” Re-affirm that your ex doesn’t have the last word, because he really doesn’t. What he says will never be the end all be all.
And I also agree that people tend to project their own negative feelings onto others. These words reflected more about him than you.