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Completely jaded from dating

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  • #88613
    Courtney
    Participant

    I was in a relationship for four years which ended on good terms due to not being compatible long-term. I was then in a relationship for 5 years and the man proposed to me then left me. We also weren’t compatible but he could have called off our wedding in a more respectful and mature way.

    After about 1 year post break-up I decided I wanted to try dating again and really put meaningful effort into it. I was very excited and optimistic in the beginning. So much so that the first guy I dated I asked him out. He ended up leaving shortly afterward. I’ve dated 11 guys in total since my 5-year-long relationship and just about every single one has ended in some form of heartbreak, confusion, or sheer despondence. Most of these men are very excited about me for 2-3 weeks and then everything falls flat, they stop communicating, etc… I’ve met 9 out of the 11 in dating sites like match.com (never Tinder). Most of my friends are coupled-up or married so it’s hard to meet men through social groups.

    I’m honestly at a point of complete discouragement. Sometimes I don’t think I’m meant to get married or find someone who feels for me the way I feel about them. I’ve started to harbor bitter feelings toward men in general because I feel they’re only interested in me physically and they hold little regard for my feelings as a person pursuing a relationship.

    One example happened tonight. I had been messaging online with a man I was really excited to get to know more because we had so many common interests. He asked for my number so we could set-up a time to get coffee. I have him my number and he texted me and asked how my Thanksgiving was. I responded positively and asked how his was and he never texted me back but when I looked at his dating profile it said he was online. So I guess responding to my simple question (which I was looking forward to) was too much and hopping back on the dating site was the more viable option.

    I’m sick of this. I’m almost to the bitter point of generalizing and saying I’m sick of men. I’ve actually deactivated all of my dating profiles as of tonight and am at a point where I’m considering quitting. Maybe some people are meant to be alone for the long haul and I’m just one of them.

    #88615
    TriangleSun
    Participant

    Just out of curiosity, how do you spend 5 years with someone and then realize that you’re not compatible? I mean, I know after 6 months if i am or not compatible with someone and I don’t think i have sixth sense or anything lol. AND i’m a guy (read SLOW). Women would usually tell me within a month or two if they felt compatibility issues.

    But anyway, back to the real issue. Have you tried just not giving shit? lol. I’m serious. Just stop looking! I’ve been single for almost 8 months now and haven’t gone on a single date since the breakup. I did match.com and a couple of other dating sites before I met my ex outside of any online dating site. And honestly going back makes me physically sick. Dating shouldn’t start so superficially.. based purely on looks. Maybe i’m too old fashioned but that’s what turned me away from online dating. Instead, i’m focusing on what makes me happy like hobbies and traveling… you know… just doing my own thing. I know this sounds cliche, but the most romantic encounters I had with women usually happened in the most obscure and unexpected situations. Even though none of them worked out, I still believe that at some point one will lol. So, seriously… chill out 🙂 You’re a beautiful girl. Dress to impress. Go out. Do your thing. Someone great will show up and won’t let you down 🙂

    #88625
    Courtney
    Participant

    I spent five years and deep down maybe new we weren’t compatible but we were infatuated with each other and on some level “loved” each other, but argued constantly. We tried to make things work for years and then it kind of blew-up. It wasn’t until the end that I realized, “Okay, we’re clearly not compatible and I need to walk away (well I didn’t have much choice since he’s the one who technically left in the first place).

    People always say, “You’re a pretty girl.” “You’ll find someone eventually.” “You’re such a nice person, why are you single?” I can’t answer these questions because I’ve tried and literally gave online dating 110% of my energy and effort and didn’t find a meaningful, long-lasting relationship with a SINGLE person out of everyone I messaged with and dated.

    Sure, I can sit back and chill out and do my thing. Ask me where I’ll be in 10 years. Most likely still single without a partner who cares about me.

    This isn’t like a test where you can study, put forth your greatest effort, and then be rewarded with the love of your life. This is a complete crapshoot and, like I said, sometimes I believe I’m going to leave the “dating casino” empty-handed or more broke than I was when I came in.

    #88634
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:

    TriangleSun in asking how you didn’t know you were incompatible with they guy you dated for five years made me think. I think it is a good point.

    In a comment I made to you on another thread this morning I asked you what you learned from that relationship. Did you read it.

    You wrote there that the guy of five years metaphorically threw a nuclear bomb on what you built for five years.

    But now, in the post above, you wrote that you “argued constantly”- so there were bombs along the way, the whole five years…

    What I see is lack of insight. As pretty as you do look in the photo and as hard as you tried on online dating, there is something missing and that is understanding of yourself, knowing yourself… more precisely, being CONFIDENT about what you do know about yourself. You may be ignoring YOU as you try to “pass a test” to make a relationship work.

    If you agree, please post again. I would like to help if I can.
    anita

    #88638
    anita
    Participant

    More: in the example you gave, you wrote: “he texted me and asked how my Thanksgiving was. I responded positively”

    How was your Thanksgiving?

    What does that have to do with anything, one might wonder? Well, when you responded “positively” does that mean you responded in a way that you figured you are supposed to in order to elicit further communication? Positively, because positive people are the attractive people?

    Maybe you had a positive Thanksgiving. Maybe it was not all positive. Would you have mentioned to him something not positive about your Thanksgiving?

    In other words, are you REAL, authentic in a relationship or are you making the moves, in the context of a relationship, the moves you think are the right moves to promote a positive result?

    anita

    #88644
    Courtney
    Participant

    Anita, thank you for taking the time to write. I haven’t seen your question to me in the other thread yet, but I’ll look for it after this post. I recognize that I ignored red flags in my past relationship. I truly believe I’ve learned from my experience with that particular individual and I wouldn’t make the same choice to stay again (no matter how much it hurts to leave, I’d rather leave than be in another relationship like that one).

    Here’s the thing. I love companionship. I love the nurturing feeling of being in a relationship. I love the feeling of partnership and having one special person who cares about you and sees you in a distinctly different light than others (family, friends, etc…)… I genuinely hate not having that.

    I’ve tried “just being happy alone” and I don’t like it. While I’m a lot more independent than I used to be, I don’t feel an immense amount of joy doing things alone. I try to say kind things to myself, go out and treat myself to dessert, pamper myself by doing my nails, and grabbing my favorite blanket to cuddle up with (alone) on the couch and watch my favorite movie. Maybe some people aren’t meant to feel fully happy alone? Aren’t we technically creatures that thrive in unions and closely among other humans?

    Am I completely missing the mark? What should I be doing differently to find peace? I strongly question if I’ll find peace “just being alone.”

    #88656
    Ahelper
    Participant

    Dear Courtney,
    My view is the same as TriangleSun’s view; when you’re supposed to meet someone, that someone will turn up in your life. Paradoxically, when you stop looking and ‘give up’ the ‘right’ person could turn up. Notice I said ‘could’, not ‘will’. It seems to me that your principle problem is not liking your own company, and you are somewhat desperate to have someone else’s company in order that you do not have to be alone. Many of your dates may have picked up on this. It might come over as a bit ‘clingy’ and so they run a mile.
    So, first things first, you are given this space, on your own, at the present time, in order that you learn to enjoy being alone. Embrace this being alone, fully. Enjoy being alone. It sounds odd to you perhaps, almost scary, but being alone is not lonely, alone and lonely are two very different things. I love being alone, even though I am married. When I was a child, I actively sought out long periods of time to ‘be alone’, otherwise I didn’t feel right. It is something you must learn to love …..your own company. After loving your own company, you might also find an outside love, in another person too. Embrace this alone-ness now, feel all associated with it, without flinching, and learn to enjoy it. You’ve made the correct first step – quit the dating sites. Good luck

    #88671
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:

    I don’t think you are missing the mark as far as wanting companionship, a relationship with a man. This is natural, valid, understandable. Really, we are not meant to be alone. It is in our genes to be together, to reach out.

    I asked you about Thanksgiving- how was your Thanksgiving. I also mentioned lack of insight, perhaps, you did not respond to these. I read your last post on the other post.

    You wrote above: ” having one special person who cares about you and sees you in a distinctly different light than others (family, friends, etc…)… I genuinely hate not having that.”

    How do family, friends etc see you and how different do you need a boyfriend/ husband to see you?

    I am asking these questions for a reason. Please give them such thought. Looking forward to your replies.

    anita

    #88675
    Courtney
    Participant

    Anita, you and TriangleSun have both offered interesting and different perspectives. I apologize, I forgot to respond to the Thanksgiving question.

    My Thanksgiving was actually great. When I responded to the man who wanted to get coffee with me, I was honest and said, “I had a great Thanksgiving. I went up north to my hometown and was able to see a lot of extended family I haven’t seen in awhile. How was your Thanksgiving?” He still hasn’t texted me back and I highly doubt he will.

    I suppose it would help if I changed my perspective on loneliness, eh? Instead of thinking of it as “being alone,” I could think of it more positively as “solitude.” While some men may have picked up on my very apparent want for companionship, I have to admit I did a fair amount of relationship-ending myself because I’ve grown a bit picky and am looking for a person who I have an amazing connection with.

    I think physical intimacy is very important to me and gives me a feeling of security. That’s how having a boyfriend/husband would differ from my relationships with friends and family. I’m a big hand-holder, hugger, cuddler, etc…

    Thanks for your replies!

    #88677
    TriangleSun
    Participant

    Here’s the thing. I love companionship. I love the nurturing feeling of being in a relationship. I love the feeling of partnership and having one special person who cares about you and sees you in a distinctly different light than others (family, friends, etc…)… I genuinely hate not having that.

    Paradoxically, some things in life are counter-intuitive. I understand you love relationships. Who doesn’t? They make us dance in the rain and do crazy things because we’re so happy. The challenge here is not to be in a relationship solely in pursuit of self-worth, happiness or simply to just not be alone. Otherwise, it just backfires. You will end up hurt and disappointed when the person you’ve invested so much love, time and effort into runs off and you will only find yourself broken because you haven’t invested any of that love into yourself. It’s not healthy. You have to be comfortable and happy with yourself. You have to love and nurture yourself. Honestly, Courtney, this is exactly what i’m working on myself after my own breakup. It isn’t easy, but you have to step back and just evaluate what you mean to yourself and what you really want out of relationships so you don’t end up spending another 5 years with someone who doesn’t deserve you.

    I’ve tried “just being happy alone” and I don’t like it. While I’m a lot more independent than I used to be, I don’t feel an immense amount of joy doing things alone. I try to say kind things to myself, go out and treat myself to dessert, pamper myself by doing my nails, and grabbing my favorite blanket to cuddle up with (alone) on the couch and watch my favorite movie. Maybe some people aren’t meant to feel fully happy alone? Aren’t we technically creatures that thrive in unions and closely among other humans?

    Being alone doesn’t mean you have to do everything alone. Grab a friend, make some plans and go for drinks or a movie. Even if you don’t have a friend available, grab a book and go to a coffee shop. Go to a book store. Go for walks. Volunteer for some events. Go on meetup.com and see if you can find a group that you’d like to join. Travel sometimes and do something outside your comfort zone. These are the things I try to do and i’m slowly beginning to develop wanderlust at the immense possibilities that i have available to me now. I can go anywhere i want. I can move if i want to. I have nothing stopping me. I have nobody to check-in with. I’m just me. When you start thinking this way, you really become free and I think that’s where you want to be. And trust me, one day someone will drop in and it’ll be completely unexpected. So don’t force love. It’ll come when the time is right. And the time now is to work on yourself.

    #88682
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:

    I do hope you enjoy solitude at times. Often enough, it is really nice. Really nice.

    Guys/ gals on online dating sites are very short on attention span- so many different prospects, clicking here, clicking there, so that is the nature of it. Some people do put a lot of time in one prospect, but many go here and there and everywhere. So I wouldn’t take it personally, the example you gave.

    You wrote you like physical intimacy, from holding hands, to hugging, cuddling and so forth which is what makes it different than relationships with family and friends. I see.

    Thank you for your replies. If you would like to explore anything. please post what it is…?

    anita

    #88867
    Courtney
    Participant

    You both actually have awesome advice and I’ll be re-reading it whenever I’m feeling low. Thanks for the thoughtful responses!

    #88888
    Lulu2
    Participant

    Hi Courtney,
    I suggest you start focusing on you and the now. Just start doing things you enjoy. You are probably going through ODF (online dating fatigue) sounds funny, but it exists. When you are ready to start online dating again, it is suggested to update your picture, review and revise your profile and start fresh. Good luck!

    #209811
    Michael
    Participant

    I feel like Anita was really searching for the deeper matters at play here when she mentioned a perceived lack of insight on your part. The manner in which you answered kept things very much at the surface and did not allow for a deeper look into what really is at play here.

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