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Should I break-up with him?

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  • #92186
    Courtney
    Participant

    I met a wonderful man through a mutual friend at a birthday party almost 3 months ago. He approached me right away, we talked, and he asked for my number. We talked on the phone for hours several nights in a row (the longest was FOUR hours)! He texted me often, told me he thought I was beautiful, and made a lot of plans with me.

    We decided we really liked each other after a month of dating and he asked if I’d consider being his girlfriend. I was ecstatic and said yes. Things were great. We waited to be physically intimate until after we became 100% exclusive. Then several days later things started to change. I noticed a shift in his behavior. This was about 1-2 weeks where more time would elapse between his texts to me. He didn’t bring up calling me. He was even close to where I live at one point during the week but didn’t make an effort to see me.

    That weekend I brought it up to him that he seemed withdrawn. After a heart-to-heart conversation he admitted he did withdraw and felt “scared.” He wasn’t really clear. He just felt “scared” and said he didn’t know what it was but he felt like we reached a point and it was harder for him to commit more with me. He also mentioned something about my illness (I have Lyme disease) although that hasn’t been a hinderance in or relationship. He just said he was worried I wouldn’t be able to have kids someday (which I explained with proper treatment really wouldn’t be an issue).

    So I was pretty close to walk away from the relationship because I didn’t feel we were on the same page and he told me he thought he knew what he needed to do and that was give himself fully to me and tell me how he really felt. He told me he loved me and I was ecstatic and I said it back (and I mean it, I see a future with him, but I don’t want there to be one-sided feelings or for him to keep withdrawing communication from me…it hurts).

    Well tonight we talked on the phone and at the end of the conversation he didn’t say “I love you” or anything. We usually send each other good night texts so I sent him a nice one. I didn’t say “I love you” because I didn’t want to push the issue. I can sense him withdrawing AGAIN because its been well over an hour and he hasn’t texted me back.

    I can’t do this. I need someone who is 100% invested and committed like I am. I feel like I should walk away from this. Should I?

    #92192
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Courtney,

    Sorry to read your post and what you are going through and from my personal experience I would say yes walk away.
    He is being very clear and honest to you about his feelings and that he does not wan the relationship and you can only go by what he is telling you and his actions of with drawing from you.
    From my personal experience I have invested 20 years of my life in my husband and the last few years have been awful.
    He is going through a self destructive and self loathing time for 3 years and throughout that he has told me he wants to end the marriage and then he wants to make it work and then end, then make it work.
    Actions speak louder than words and I should of went from his actions which would of saved me 3 years of my life trying to fight for my marriage, but he gave up on us and him a long time ago.
    Truth is he doesn’t want to change as is too scared to face his demons.
    You do need someone who is 100% invested and committed to you as you deserve better and so much more to what he is given you now.
    Good luck

    #92212
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:

    I remember pasts posts by you. In one you wrote that it has been a pattern where men were very much into you fast and strong but then withdrew. Do you remember sharing that? I replied to you on those threads, but you didn’t put much thought about my suggestions then. You withdrew from my attempts to engage you in conversation.

    I also remember you sharing how anxious you are and I know how powerful fear is.

    So, if and when… and if you are ready and willing to look deeper into this situation, please let me know.

    anita

    #92218
    Roxanne1
    Participant

    Courtney,

    When he backs off, then back off. When you are backing off, work on self-love. Compliment yourself and work on your goals and life purpose. If he gets warm again, get warm again. Maybe be the first to end the conversation but very politely. Let him be the
    first to text. Immerse yourself in your goals and life purpose which makes you even more attractive. If he never gets warm after awhile, make the decision to go on with your life and forget about him and follow a strict no-contact rule. Dedicate your energy to yourself and your life and self-love and what makes you excited about life other than a guy. You’ll only become stronger, wiser, and happier for the next guy and it will work out much better.

    Roxanne1

    #92255
    Courtney
    Participant

    Thank you for the responses, everyone.

    Anita,

    I apologize if I was not engaging in conversation with you. I do appreciate the time you take to respond and would like to look deeper into the issue.

    Yes, there has been a pattern where men come on very strong and interested for several months and then withdraw. I remember us talking about how I may be acting needy and co-dependent and driving them away. In several relationships, I feel this may have been the case. In my current relationship though I’ve made a concerted effort to not make the relationship my only priority. Of course, it’s important to me and I put forth effort, but I’ve also made an effort to pursue my interests and make plans with my friends.

    Deep down, I feel him withdrawing is more a personal issue for him than a reflection of how I’ve acted. He keeps reiterating that “I’m perfect,” “I’m kind,” “I take an interest in his culture and family,” “I ask him about his hobbies,” etc…

    Honestly, he seems to be a major “sayer” and not a “doer.” This is an example of a text he recently sent me (in between his periods of withdrawing)…and yes, I’m typing this out word-for-word:

    “You make me feel soooo good! You’re my favorite! I’m truly happy you’re my girlfriend! I’d do anything for you! I’ll be by your side through anything! I’m truly blessed to have you in my life! :)”

    And then I don’t hear from him after our phone conversation or all day and almost an entire day passes and he still doesn’t respond to a text I send him. I think he WANTS to feel these things for me, but I don’t think he actually does. If he did, then I don’t think it would be an issue to communicate with me and if he really loved me…then I don’t think it’d be an issue to tell me again after the first initial time he said it.

    I’m feeling so frustrated right now. I don’t believe his behavior will change and it’ll only bring me more hurt and confusion if I stay.

    #92258
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:

    Seems like yes, a “sayer” – if there is a pattern in your behavior with men, that does not exclude the fact that this or that man may very well have his own pattern… this guy, maybe his pattern is to be a Sayer and not a Doer. You have been paying close attention to your behavior during this relationship and you are paying attention to his behavior.

    I am so sorry this is not working out well right now and it doesn’t seem promising at this point. It must be so tiring to try again and again …. I understand your frustration.

    Later on I would like to re-read the previous thread you posted and the exchange and write to you again.

    There was something there and I don’t recall right now. Later…

    Take care!
    anita

    #92261
    Cognition
    Participant

    Hi Courtney,

    It looks like you’ve made a decision already and it sounds like a good one. I mean, do you really want to commit to someone who is hot and cold, afraid to commit and have no idea what they want? It’s also interesting that you note his behavior changed after being physically intimate. It could be a coincidence but you have to admit the timing is a bit odd.

    The foundation of all relationship is trust and it sounds like you can no longer trust him due to the way he behave.

    #92276
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:

    I went back to read previous threads and your last thread was dated exactly a month ago, 12/12/2015. You wrote there that you were discouraged with the dating world. You did not mention being in a relationship. On this thread you write about being in a relationship for three months? I don’t understand…?

    anita

    #93236
    Courtney
    Participant

    I met him almost 3 months ago. Almost all of the men I’ve dated have NOT turned into “exclusive” relationships. That’s another topic entirely. I didn’t know if my “non-exclusive” relationship with him was going to go anywhere when I wrote that post in December. So many of my “relationships” start out intense and passionate but then they don’t turn into anything.

    I’m still with him, but we decided to take a “step back” and try to get to know each other as friends again. I’m afraid to let go, but I don’t think this is working. He was putting in effort when we had the “take a step back” talk and now he’s a bit withdrawn again. I’ll text something really nice and thoughtful to him and focus on the good in him and our good experiences and he’ll say, “It’s been pretty nice with you too. Some of my happiest times have been with you.” The words that stick out to me are, “It’s been PRETTY nice with you too.”

    He just doesn’t feel the same way I’ve felt about him and he feels I’m overreacting to his needs for space and constantly says to “just let things happen naturally and turn out the way they’re suppose to.”

    #93239
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:

    In your original post on this thread you wrote: “We decided we really liked each other after a month of dating and he asked if I’d consider being his girlfriend. I was ecstatic and said yes. Things were great. We waited to be physically intimate until after we became 100% exclusive. Then several days later things started to change.”

    So you met in October 2015, dated not exclusively for a month, then he asked you to be his girlfriend (that means exclusive?)
    At some point you became 100% exclusive, but on December 12, 2015, when you wrote the thread before, you were not yet exclusive. You became exclusive sometime after 12/12 and then several days later he began to withdraw.

    What happened in those few days between mutually deciding to be exclusive and him withdrawing?

    anita

    #93385
    Courtney
    Participant

    Anita,

    No doubt you’re confused by my timeline. I was incorrect and have been casually dating more than one person with the hopes that it’ll turn into something stronger.

    Let me correct myself: We met in November. Dated “non-exclusively” for approximately 1 month. At 2 months we then became “exclusive” boyfriend and girlfriend. After he asked me to be “exclusive” and his “girlfriend” we became physically intimate and then he started withdrawing. He wasn’t texting me as much, he wasn’t calling, he had an opportunity to see me and didn’t.

    #93389
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:

    I appreciate your efforts in clarifying the situation for me. So… it is in a few days after you and him became exclusive and had physical intimacy that he started withdrawing.

    I am going back to your original post on this thread: “I met a wonderful man…He approached me right away…we talked on the phone for hours… He…told me he thought I was beautiful…We waited to be physically intimate until after we became 100% exclusive. Then several days later things started to change. I noticed a shift in his behavior…I brought it up to him that he seemed withdrawn. After a heart-to-heart conversation he admitted he did withdraw and felt “scared.” He wasn’t really clear. He just felt “scared” and said he didn’t know what it was…He also mentioned something about my illness (I have Lyme disease)…He just said he was worried I wouldn’t be able to have kids someday (which I explained with proper treatment really wouldn’t be an issue).”

    So… a…wonderful man meets a beautiful woman (and you are in the photo!) and become exclusive and physically intimate and within a few days he withdraws, saying he is scared. Could there have been something in the physical intimacy that scared him?

    anita

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