Forum Replies Created
August 9, 2016 at 5:00 am #111973
It is said that the only thing more difficult than having your heart broken is to break the heart of someone you care about. On the other hand, if the love is not there anymore, keeping the person around is simply unfair for both of you. I mean, how much fun can it be dating someone who doesn’t love you?August 6, 2016 at 7:59 am #111673
I agree with Anita about the break up happend too quickly and part of the reason why you have these thoughts could be that there wasn’t any real closure. On the other hand, I also understand why you closed it off so quickly as that’s something I’ve done myself in the past. Rejection sucks and prolonging the humiliation seems unnecessary at the time.
I am not sure this would help but I ended up texting an ex 16 months after we broke up and she didn’t reply. Its one of those hey how are you going text but it still set me back quite a bit. I ended up double downing on yoga and it helped a lot.
Around 26 months after we broke up I ran into her at a random event and we had a chat. During that conversation, I learned that even though she initiated the break up, it was still difficult for her because I refused to be friends afterwards. She also mentioned that she didn’t date for two years and only started seeing someone recently. We talked about our old times and recent events but all I remembered thinking was I used to love this person but I felt nothing besides a mild affection towards her as we talked. It’s like visiting a house you used to live in and realise how small and damp it is even though you had great memories there. It’s great getting closure though as it stopped me romanticising that relationship in my head.
So yeah, things will get better eventually if you give yourself a chance to grief and process those emotions. My advise: don’t call unless you are emtionally prepared to take no for an answer or find out that they are dating someone else.
August 6, 2016 at 7:30 am #111671
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Cognition.
It sounds like you are going through a rough patch at the moment and I would suggest sorting that stuff out before getting into a relationship. When we are stressed (especially if it affects your home AND work life where you spend most of your time) both our emotional and intellectual capacity decreases. It will inevitabily lead to situations where you feel snappy, less empathetic, distant or my favourite, over thinking (you know that little voice in your head that doubts every move you make? That’s the one).
Relationships are wonderful especially in the honeymoon period but it also comes with a lot of stress because now you have doubled the problems with your interaction with each other as the added interest. If that woman you are talking to is going through a divorce, she probably have a few things to sort out herself as well.
One of my ex have a habit of jumping from one relationship to the next to distract herself from having to deal with her own issues. Those relationships (including ours) inevitably fail because you can’t cure cancer by getting your boyfriend to undertake chemo therapy. You should always keep your life in order before asking someone to move in. Otherwise you can meet the perfect person but you wouldn’t be able to keep her because you are not at a steady place. When that happens, your other problems will come back with a vengeance until your life hits a solid rock bottom. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
August 2, 2016 at 4:13 am #111291
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Cognition.
It sound like you spend quite a bit of time there, which may explain why most women you meet are from work. Like you said, dating women at work is not the best idea as thing can go downhill fairly quickly from personal experience.
As for women making better choices, I think it’s safe say that their likelihood of making a mistake in partner is far greater than men simply because they generally have more options. Take Internet dating for example, on average women are 30-50 times more likely to be approached than men. If you have 50 women hitting on you on a regular basis, I’d say it would be hard to pick a winner all the time. In fact, I would say women are probably better at this than men since we tend to be visual creatures.
The other consideration here is that if you expect every woman in the world to change your tune before diving in, you probably want to sit down. With your work it sounds like it’s going to be pretty hard to take the armour off in that environment so if you want to dig deeper, it maybe worthwhile to go to a new environment for a while like a holiday. It’s unrealistic to expect personal growth when everything around you is the same. As the saying goes, we don’t drown by falling in the water, we drown by staying there.July 31, 2016 at 5:58 am #111052
Having just broken up with someone in a similar situation, these are some questions I would consider next time around:
A) Has the person always been like this or is this a new thing? If it is the later, it usually means that something has changed. It could be work but that leads to the second question.
B) Did the apology come with a change of behaviour? If not, what it means is that the person recognises that he did wrong by you and aware that this makes you feel bad but for some reason he keeps doing it. Having been on the receiving end of this, I find this process to be a quick way to empty all the trust that’s been built and replace it with a stack of bad feelings. I also felt less of myself for always having to be the one to make an effort.
C) How do you feel about the situation? To do this properly, try to block out all the excuses in your head and dig deep into your heart. If you feel a well of frustration and resentment, it’s probably time to yourself the final question.
D) Do I still trust him? As mentioned previously, the process of making promises that are not kept is a sure way to drive the relationship off the cliff especially when there is a deficiency in communication. You can negotiate with your boyfriend to decrease the frequcey of contact to give him more time but if he continues with the pattern, it’s a pretty good indicator of where he is at with the whole thing.July 31, 2016 at 5:39 am #111050
Generally speaking, most men (myself included) are analytical creatures that thinks in terms of cost/benefits and be in control of situations. These traits are great in business but kinda suck when trying to establish a relationship.
Think about it in terms of being on the panel of a job interview. Every candidate you interview are qualified to do the job (otherwise why would you interview them?) but the one you end up hiring have a little something special that push them over the line. In most cases, it’s not because of their capabilities (though you may tell yourself that) but that somehow, you can see that this person will be good to work with and a fit in the team. In another words, you feel an emotional connection with this person
Now applying this to the dating world, I would imagine that the women you are attracted to are not the ones that need a roof over their head or wonder where their next meal is coming from. So the whole having a good job thing is nice and get you a date but it’s definately no guarentee for a relationship.
So the tricky question is, what gets you across the finish line? Firstly, accept that not every woman who agrees to date you will want a relationship with you because sometimes the chemistry is just not there and ppl at their 40s will not want to wastes their time forcing a connection. Secondly, if you are wearing an emotional armour to a date, women can usually see it a mile away and immediately file you under the too hard basket. When someone is unable to be authentic in their interaction with others (and you can’t do this unless you are willing to be vulnerable) it sets off all kinds of alarm bells because people will suspect what you are trying to hide which can range from a broken heart to a secret dungeon in your backyard. It also suggests a lack of confidence to be yourself which is a turn off for most people.
Though books can help somewhat, emotional intelligence is more art than science. It’s scary to give someone a piece of yourself to hurt you and there is never any guarantee for success. But if you think about it, most woman have the courage to be in a relationship with a man, bear his children knowing that he could turn around and leave anytime or worst, abuse her, the risk men have to take compared to that is fairly minor.
January 26, 2016 at 6:05 pm #93848
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Cognition.
Thought I’ll offer a male perspective to your dilemma. Based on what you described, it sounds like she is quite an insecure person with a constant need to compare herself to others. Rather than thinking whether you should feel guilty, the better question is do you want to spend time with someone who doesn’t trust you and brings you down when you want to achieve something? You can cease contact with all you female friends, let her go through your emails and put a GPS tracker on but the more you feed into this, the more problematic it is going to be. This is because she cannot fix her own insecurities by trying to control you.
Until she comes to this realization and do some work on herself, this is likely to contaminate all her future relationships. So yeah, don’t feel guilty about it.January 21, 2016 at 4:01 pm #93251
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and reading what you wrote, it sounds like your focus in the last few years has been on your family. The question I have is who do you confide in when things are not going well in your family? Sometimes when we place a lot of emphasis in one particular relationship (e.g. family, work, romance), it can put a lot of pressure on the relationship because your happiness becomes dependent on it. When that occurs, every minor issue becomes a big one and you become obsessive about everything that happens in the relationship, wondering what you can do to make it work. Eventually, the relationship will collapse under the weight of this pressure because the harder you push, the faster the other person will run. If you ever felt frustrated about being the one who does all the work in a relationship, you will know what a crappy feeling that is.
So rather than focusing on the relationship, a suggestion I have is to work on yourself. Cultivate friendship with other people as it provides an opportunity to debrief, get support and see things in a different perspective. Find your purpose so that you are not just playing through the mechanics of life. People that are deep into their passions and purpose are far more attractive than those that settles for mediocrity.
As the saying goes, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Here is a good article on this point:January 20, 2016 at 6:17 pm #93157
First off, I just wanted to say how brave you are for taking that step of no contact and sticking to it. When my ex broke up with me, I also insisted on a no contact clause so I know how tough it is to go through what you are experiencing. The what ifs, the could have been and the absences of that intimacy that we once shared can drive a man insane.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things to keep yourself occupied and if there is one thing that I can add is to give your emotions a chance to grieve. As a male, I certainly find that it’s a difficult thing to do because it’s not really seen as a masculine thing to moan about our losses and cry. The thing is, you have just lost someone close so rather than suppressing your emotions or try not to think about it, allocate some time for yourself where you can have a good cry. When we repress our emotions, they tend to sneak up on us at the worst possible moments.
If that’s the path you choose to go down, I find listening to music and watching sad movies helps to let out the feels.January 20, 2016 at 6:05 pm #93156
Based on what you mentioned, it sounds like the common factor there is that you miss having a genuine connection with someone. If there is one thing you can do tomorrow that can improve your life significantly, what would it be? For some people, it would be exercise because getting in shape tends to have a positive effect on our mental well being. While others will travel to give themselves a chance to step away from their immediate environment . Like the frog, sometimes we have to step out of the water for while to realize how hot it is.
With changes, I would recommend to start off with something that is easy to implement so you can start immediately. There is a chance that you will need to try a few things before finding something that resonates with you but that’s part of the adventure.
Good luck on your journey.January 19, 2016 at 2:33 pm #93046
I’ve also worked in a place for over 10 years and towards the end of it, it felt as though they own me. Everyday I had to make myself go to work and when you exert that much energy to do something that you do 8-10 hours a day, it’s easy to see why you get depressed and lack energy to do anything else. The other more insidious effect that had on me is a constant feeling of not being good enough because I’d stay even though they didn’t treat me very well (e.g. the pay cut you mentioned is certainly a factor). It like an abusive relationship and the more I went back, the crappier I felt about myself.
So in the end, I left to take a lower pay job. It’s not an ideal environment (in fact I am going to start another job soon) but at least I know that I can leave and survive. My suggestion is that you should always go to a place where you are celebrated and not just tolerated. Sure money is a thing but you should consider how much are you selling your happiness, your dreams and your health for.
Good luck!January 13, 2016 at 4:51 pm #92429
Just wanted to acknowledged that it’s an incredibly brave step that you took and that with time, it does get better. If you need something to strengthen you decision (I certainly did when I was in a similar situation), the people here have made some very valid points:
1) She need to spend time on her own before she can approach a relationship in a healthy manner. At the moment, she is reaching out based from a place of need rather than building something long term and positive.
2) Glad to hear that you stood up to her about what you want. If seeing her in a romantic relationship with someone else feels like having your heart ripped out and your self esteem thrown in a shredder, it means that you are not ready to be her friend yet. You may have a special connection with this person but if that’s how she makes you feel, being around that is going to destroy your confidence to have a healthy relationship with someone else.
3) Try to avoid self loathing, wondering about “what if I did that…” or hating her because that makes it harder for you to move on. Whenever our soul connects with another person, it’s special even when things didn’t turn out the way we wanted. See it as an opportunity to learn and prepare you for the relationship that you deserve.January 12, 2016 at 3:42 pm #92261
It looks like you’ve made a decision already and it sounds like a good one. I mean, do you really want to commit to someone who is hot and cold, afraid to commit and have no idea what they want? It’s also interesting that you note his behavior changed after being physically intimate. It could be a coincidence but you have to admit the timing is a bit odd.
The foundation of all relationship is trust and it sounds like you can no longer trust him due to the way he behave.January 11, 2016 at 8:59 pm #92181
Heart breaks are tough and you are right that you should not contact her for at least 3 months. After 3 months, the question you should ask yourself is can you be her friend without want something more? If the answer is no, it is best to stay away from her. In my experience, 3 months is usually not enough to change the dynamic of a relationship and it ended up prolonging the pain.
When I was younger, I thought that there is something heroic in fighting for love like in the movies. Now I realize that it is exhausting to keep fighting for someone to love you while she considers her options. The less she feels, the more we put in until the relationship is so unbalanced that it crumbles under it’s own weight.
As you pointed out, idle time is the worst enemy and though different things work for different people, some form of physical exercise usually helps to anchor your mind in the present.