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Moving past the fork in the road

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  • January 20, 2016 at 6:04 pm #93155
    eitherway
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    I had a thread going on here for about three months called “Bad Timing and Fork In The Road”. I started the thread when my ex and I had taken a break in November (at which point we had been together for about 6 months) and carried it through our actual break up some three weeks ago. My relationship with her was complex, it was messy, and while beautiful at times there was almost an equal amount of sadness. I guess to put it simply, I always wanted something serious with her and even though parts of her wanted to give me her all.. she couldn’t do it. Her heart was tied up with a former lover and with wanting to be independent and free from commitment.. She really loved having me in her life, but could only give me so much. She felt guilty about that.

    In the three weeks since it ended, she reached out to me a few times. She attempted to try and tell me that if we took things slow then it would be easier, but I knew deep down that was just wishful thinking. It would be too hard to try and start fresh, and just wouldn’t be right for us to try again so soon. She needs to figure a lot out on her end, and I guess I need to let her go. So I sent her a message that essentially stated it was time we stopped talking, and moved on completely. We haven’t spoken since. Exactly one week ago.

    I find myself needing to post on here again because reading support from others is very beneficial to my broken heart. I’ve made every effort to better my life since this relationship came crashing down on New Year’s Day. I’m running 2-3 times a week, I’m hanging out with good friends as much as possible, I’m putting a lot of effort into my work, I’m seeing a new therapist, and I’m trying to keep my head up as much as I can. Yet with all that said, the sorrow of missing her and the many things I loved about her has been immense… especially in the past 24 hours. I am doing my best to stay present.. to not dwell in the messy/confusing past and to know worry about the unknown future. It’s been working when there are distractions available, but there are plenty of times throughout the day and night where they aren’t.

    During those times, I can’t seem to stop hoping that one day we will be together again. That one day she will have worked out what she needed to, and the relationship that could have been (since there was certainly love on both sides) could finally take place. I just feel like we would have been such a strong couple… that she was one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, and if we had met at a different time in our lives it would have worked.

    I’m not rushing to that thought… I don’t even know how I’ll feel when and if that time comes… or how it will even get to that point… But it sits heavy on me. I try to suppress it by thinking that there will be someone out there who will give me the love I deserve and be better to me than she was. It’s a nice thought, but that seems like even more of a fantasy than the idea that we will one day rekindle our flame. Anyways, I don’t know how long this will take. I understand that all feelings change in time. Maybe six months from now I won’t have any interest… but I’m scared for if I do. The other day I saw a print that read “Nothing will be what you expected.” I keep trying to tell myself that now. There is no way to plan for the future, it just happens. Maybe we’ll have our time again, maybe we won’t. Either way I can’t help missing her more than ever before now.

    Any words of advice or encouragement would be appreciated. Thank you.

    January 20, 2016 at 6:17 pm #93157
    Cognition
    Participant

    Hi Max,

    First off, I just wanted to say how brave you are for taking that step of no contact and sticking to it. When my ex broke up with me, I also insisted on a no contact clause so I know how tough it is to go through what you are experiencing. The what ifs, the could have been and the absences of that intimacy that we once shared can drive a man insane.

    It sounds like you are doing all the right things to keep yourself occupied and if there is one thing that I can add is to give your emotions a chance to grieve. As a male, I certainly find that it’s a difficult thing to do because it’s not really seen as a masculine thing to moan about our losses and cry. The thing is, you have just lost someone close so rather than suppressing your emotions or try not to think about it, allocate some time for yourself where you can have a good cry. When we repress our emotions, they tend to sneak up on us at the worst possible moments.

    If that’s the path you choose to go down, I find listening to music and watching sad movies helps to let out the feels.

    January 20, 2016 at 7:59 pm #93170
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Max:

    Good job on following your last message to her with what was in the message: nothing. And I am glad you started this new thread.

    You wrote that you are afraid you will always feel like this because you have felt like this for so long and when the distractions are not happening, you are back to these feelings of despair again and again.

    When there are no distractions and you feel that kind of despair, the unmet need to be loved, the fear that it will never be real… when you are alone with these feelings, what do you do?

    The more I resisted such feelings, the more they persisted. The more I was scared to feel badly, the more I did feel badly. I learned to breathe deeply and feel it, feel it in the body, be it a tight chest, a feeling like wanting to vomit (in my case that was), a tingling something along my arms… feel it in the body and stay with it, not trying to fight it… and as I paid attention, it weakened, those sensations and the feelings were less intense.

    Hearing a guided meditation when you are alone, without the distractions, may help.

    I hope you work in therapy on this kind of Mindfulness, so to endure the emotions: it is a skill and over time, you may be amazed how effective it is.

    Please do post again… and again.

    anita

    January 21, 2016 at 12:02 pm #93247
    eitherway
    Participant

    Thanks for posting Cognition and Anita, nice to hear from both of you. Believe me Cognition, I have a pretty stacked break up playlist with songs from Bob Dylan, Frank Sinatra, Beck, Tom Waits, and a grip of others haha. There’s definitely a peace that comes with listening to the heart break of others.

    My dwelling feelings of missing her have calmed down again, and I am doing my very best to be as present as possible. Today I am sad but stronger than I was yesterday. I have been doing everything possible to keep myself busy and in good company. One troubling thing is that she has been in every one of my dreams for the past week or so. Sometimes we are together again in them, sometimes we aren’t, but she’s always there. Someone once told me that we work out a lot of impossible scenarios in our dreams, and they bring us strength in reality. I remember when my best friend went through his biggest break up, and he had haunting dreams for months. This process is so intense and I wish there was an easier way through it… but I know the best way is to just keep living day by day.

    I’ve been thinking about that saying “if you truly love something set it free, and if it doesn’t come back it wasn’t meant to be”
    I wonder if that is true for my current situation.

    I remember my first heartbreak, when I was 16 years old. After she broke up with me I tried so hard to win her back. I read up on techniques and strategies and talked to everyone I knew about it… But we never got back together, and I eventually got over her. I set it free, she never came back into my life, and thus it wasn’t meant to be. It took a long time for me to let her go. Over a year I think… and it solidified with me moving back to my hometown across the country. Now that pain feels so distant and yet almost nostalgic. I think it might have been easier then. Less complex. Maybe this pain will one day be the same.

    January 21, 2016 at 12:49 pm #93249
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Max:

    Thank you for the update. I hope this thread will go on and on until there is another change, like the one that ended the previous thread… What your previous breakup tells me is that what you needed all along, and what you still need…. and what you will always need is… to love and be loved in return, this loving relationship with a woman. And love, I believe, is meant to be in your life. And it will be. You have more grieving to do (hence this thread) but please make a mental note for later, as later as it will be… to take some precautions next time so to MAXimize your chances for the love that you need by getting to know a woman first, seeing that not only you are interested in her but that she is available and willing.

    It seems like it is about HER, just like years ago it was another HER. But it is about LOVE.

    Please post again and again…

    anita

    January 22, 2016 at 11:24 am #93363
    eitherway
    Participant

    That makes a lot of sense to me Anita, I think it is very true. I am heartbroken because this love didn’t work out like I believed it would. I felt love from her, but only to the extent she was able to give it… and that wasn’t enough. I need to love and be loved fully.

    The fluctuation of feelings and their intensity is making my days feel like years. I felt like I started this thread last week and realized just now it was only two days ago.

    By yesterday evening I was still feeling strong, like I’m doing the right thing moving on. Then right before I fell asleep I missed her again… and I woke up this morning feeling like my heart had broken all over again. I spent my morning commute asking myself what would happen if I reached out to her. If I just asked how she was doing, or if I asked if we could meet for coffee. Is there something she could say to make me believe she really loves me? Am I missing my only chance to make this work by not reaching out now, while it’s still fresh? The thoughts are probably not worth entertaining, but I allow myself to for the short duration of my car ride. Now it is time to look past the emotional side and towards the logical side… where all signs point to do nothing and keep living day by day.

    I’m sure I’ll feel better as the day moves on, but I don’t look forward to feeling those thoughts again, which I know I will.

    January 22, 2016 at 6:45 pm #93380
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Max:

    About the Emotional Side vs the Logical Side that you mentioned… I am thinking that when you entertained the thought about contacting her, those thoughts were fueled by your need for love, a strong need, understandably. Those thoughts were not fueled by her (in) ability to love you adequately but by your need…

    One day, I would like it if you started a thread that may be very short, but a thread nonetheless about a loving and being loved relationship that you will have. This strength that you are building in this thread and the previous one, looking at reality as it is, making reasonable choices, walking your talk (not contacting her) and talking your walk… all these are going to lead to a true, full love story and I can’t wait to be reading about it…

    Until then, keep what you are doing… Looking forward to your next post.

    anita

    January 22, 2016 at 9:17 pm #93394
    TriangleSun
    Participant

    It may be weeks or months until things will start to fade. I’d strongly suggest that you find yourself a hobby. Something that will distract your mind and that you can do on your own without constantly having the urge to be around friends or other people to feel better. Learn to deal with these thoughts and feelings alone. Learn and discover yourself and what’s important to you. This is a great time to do this.

    Also, this may not seem important to you, but just having you share this story with us, your strength, your honesty, how it’s impacting you and how much you care for this woman despite what has transpired is a testament to your character. You’re a great guy and a great catch and you need to understand this because this is becoming a rarity in men.

    January 25, 2016 at 6:48 pm #93704
    eitherway
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and Trianglesun for your posts. Your kind words of encouragement are wonderful to keep looking back on when I am feeling low.

    I had old high school/college friends come visit me this weekend, and it was nice to have their company. It reminded me of a time before I moved to the city I live in now, in my hometown, where I had different ups and downs and things to worry about. The weekend was a fun adventure and it meant a lot to me. At times I would get hit with missing her, but I’d simply accept it and try to bring myself back to the present.

    Last night before bed I was thinking about one of the best parts of this whole process… and that is my freedom of time and commitment. I realized I don’t have to wait around for her anymore. There were so many times where I would stay up late into the night waiting for her to get off of work or just to see if we would even make plans. I would even set alarms so that if I fell asleep I could still wake up in time to ask if she wanted to come over. It wasn’t ideal, but I wanted to do it at the time so I could see her.

    But now I can make my own schedule again, and that’s really nice. So with that, I turned off the light at about 10pm.. and I set an alarm for 6:30am.. and I drove an hour to get to the ocean where I spent my whole morning. I walked a couple miles, I rented a surfboard and went out on the water, and I had a great time with just me. I’ve always liked the idea of surfing and this was the 3rd time in my life I’ve ever tried. I think I’m going to go again on my day off next week.

    It was a really beautiful day, and I felt myself enjoying things more. It was a nice change. It wasn’t constant, but that’s okay.. it’s one of the things I’ve come to understand. Feelings come and go, I feel them very intensely.. which can make the hard ones difficult to manage… but it’s also what makes the positive ones so enjoyable.

    The sun has set now and I am okay with everything and grateful for how I’ve handled the past few days. I’ve been working hard at not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. I try not to think about her or what she is doing. Little reminders come through often, but I let them leave after acknowledging them. I saved a few quotes (some from this very website) that I try to read every day. Maybe they will provide help to anyone else who is reading this with some sadness in their heart:

    • “Every activity is an act of strength when you’re struggling.”

    • “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

    • “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”

    • “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

    • We can incessantly pick at the “should haves” and “would haves,” but your inner GPS chose a route based on the information you had at the time. You couldn’t have done anything different. When you can fully embrace this, it is an act of forgiveness to yourself, because you stop questioning your capabilities. Everything you did was as it was supposed to be.”

    I’ll post again soon. Thank you all.

    January 25, 2016 at 7:20 pm #93713
    Anonymous
    Guest

    What a beautiful post, Max! thank you…!!!
    anita

    January 29, 2016 at 1:23 pm #94245
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Max:

    How is life for you these days???

    anita

    February 8, 2016 at 10:25 am #95268
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Max:

    More than curious: how are you???

    anita

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