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October 16, 2017 at 2:40 am #173351
Well I’m unhappy to report that I think the whole thing is getting away from me. It’s now been two weeks since we last saw each other, and while we have almost talked every day, whenever a date gets set up she tends to get too busy for it. I’ve tried pulling away and giving some distance, and she’ll reach out and we’ll exchange a few texts, but we just can’t seem to get on the same page for making an effort to actually see each other. It almost happened Friday night, but didn’t. Could have happened yesterday or today, but didn’t. All while the ball was in her court. Seems that even though I’m coming off as easy going and happy to accommodate her schedule, she just doesn’t have the same ability for me. It’s nothing short of confusing though, cause her text messages still read like she’s interested in me.. and she likes my posts on instagram (if that has any sort of significance) but maybe it’s simply out of my control. Maybe she’s got things going on I don’t know about. Who knows. I guess sometimes you just don’t know what a person is thinking.
The romantic in me wants to keep being patient and maybe try to set something up again in a week or two. I’ve been trying to be more in the present though, so I won’t fixate on when or how or even if I’ll try to reach out again. Sad though. Really felt a special connection with this one. Hurts that it didn’t get to blossom into much. Maybe time will tell a different story.October 8, 2017 at 10:33 am #172197
I think that makes sense, unfortunately the one time I tried talking to her on the phone she texted me after saying she couldn’t talk… and because our schedules are kind of different, there isn’t really an ideal time for us to just chat. But I do like what you are saying about building a foundation of friendship.
We’ve kept it very light over the past week, exchanging a couple texts here and there, mainly just hello’s and how are you’s as we both got through our week. We plan on seeing each other tonight, and my main goal is to just enjoy conversation with her… to get to know her more, to build more of a connection there. I’m glad things have calmed down a bit, but I certainly want to keep it going. Hopefully I get a better idea of what page she’s on tonight.
Thanks for your thoughts.October 5, 2017 at 12:02 pm #171751
Nice to see your name again. I think you raise some good points. From what I gathered, she’s not someone who gets invested in relationships quickly either, and perhaps she’s experiencing some conflicted feelings about it. I think I’m just living with the shock of spending those nights sharing my intimate self, and now returning to the regular day to day like they were just a dream. It looks like we won’t be seeing each other for a few days, thus making it a week or so since last seeing each other. That might help me calm my nerves a bit, and hopefully it will calm hers. Maybe we’ll address it when we see each other next. I just hope that we’re still comfortable with each other then, but I think we will be. Gotta let the ripples settle before we set sail again.
Funny how when we watch the romance movies, we only get a quick montage between first date and then serious involvement. Skips over the period between where you have to establish a pace getting to know someone, and building a relationship. It’s never just A to Z, there are all the letters in between.January 25, 2016 at 6:48 pm #93704
Thank you Anita and Trianglesun for your posts. Your kind words of encouragement are wonderful to keep looking back on when I am feeling low.
I had old high school/college friends come visit me this weekend, and it was nice to have their company. It reminded me of a time before I moved to the city I live in now, in my hometown, where I had different ups and downs and things to worry about. The weekend was a fun adventure and it meant a lot to me. At times I would get hit with missing her, but I’d simply accept it and try to bring myself back to the present.
Last night before bed I was thinking about one of the best parts of this whole process… and that is my freedom of time and commitment. I realized I don’t have to wait around for her anymore. There were so many times where I would stay up late into the night waiting for her to get off of work or just to see if we would even make plans. I would even set alarms so that if I fell asleep I could still wake up in time to ask if she wanted to come over. It wasn’t ideal, but I wanted to do it at the time so I could see her.
But now I can make my own schedule again, and that’s really nice. So with that, I turned off the light at about 10pm.. and I set an alarm for 6:30am.. and I drove an hour to get to the ocean where I spent my whole morning. I walked a couple miles, I rented a surfboard and went out on the water, and I had a great time with just me. I’ve always liked the idea of surfing and this was the 3rd time in my life I’ve ever tried. I think I’m going to go again on my day off next week.
It was a really beautiful day, and I felt myself enjoying things more. It was a nice change. It wasn’t constant, but that’s okay.. it’s one of the things I’ve come to understand. Feelings come and go, I feel them very intensely.. which can make the hard ones difficult to manage… but it’s also what makes the positive ones so enjoyable.
The sun has set now and I am okay with everything and grateful for how I’ve handled the past few days. I’ve been working hard at not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. I try not to think about her or what she is doing. Little reminders come through often, but I let them leave after acknowledging them. I saved a few quotes (some from this very website) that I try to read every day. Maybe they will provide help to anyone else who is reading this with some sadness in their heart:
• “Every activity is an act of strength when you’re struggling.”
• “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
• “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
• “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
• We can incessantly pick at the “should haves” and “would haves,” but your inner GPS chose a route based on the information you had at the time. You couldn’t have done anything different. When you can fully embrace this, it is an act of forgiveness to yourself, because you stop questioning your capabilities. Everything you did was as it was supposed to be.”
I’ll post again soon. Thank you all.January 22, 2016 at 11:24 am #93363
That makes a lot of sense to me Anita, I think it is very true. I am heartbroken because this love didn’t work out like I believed it would. I felt love from her, but only to the extent she was able to give it… and that wasn’t enough. I need to love and be loved fully.
The fluctuation of feelings and their intensity is making my days feel like years. I felt like I started this thread last week and realized just now it was only two days ago.
By yesterday evening I was still feeling strong, like I’m doing the right thing moving on. Then right before I fell asleep I missed her again… and I woke up this morning feeling like my heart had broken all over again. I spent my morning commute asking myself what would happen if I reached out to her. If I just asked how she was doing, or if I asked if we could meet for coffee. Is there something she could say to make me believe she really loves me? Am I missing my only chance to make this work by not reaching out now, while it’s still fresh? The thoughts are probably not worth entertaining, but I allow myself to for the short duration of my car ride. Now it is time to look past the emotional side and towards the logical side… where all signs point to do nothing and keep living day by day.
I’m sure I’ll feel better as the day moves on, but I don’t look forward to feeling those thoughts again, which I know I will.January 21, 2016 at 12:02 pm #93247
Thanks for posting Cognition and Anita, nice to hear from both of you. Believe me Cognition, I have a pretty stacked break up playlist with songs from Bob Dylan, Frank Sinatra, Beck, Tom Waits, and a grip of others haha. There’s definitely a peace that comes with listening to the heart break of others.
My dwelling feelings of missing her have calmed down again, and I am doing my very best to be as present as possible. Today I am sad but stronger than I was yesterday. I have been doing everything possible to keep myself busy and in good company. One troubling thing is that she has been in every one of my dreams for the past week or so. Sometimes we are together again in them, sometimes we aren’t, but she’s always there. Someone once told me that we work out a lot of impossible scenarios in our dreams, and they bring us strength in reality. I remember when my best friend went through his biggest break up, and he had haunting dreams for months. This process is so intense and I wish there was an easier way through it… but I know the best way is to just keep living day by day.
I’ve been thinking about that saying “if you truly love something set it free, and if it doesn’t come back it wasn’t meant to be”
I wonder if that is true for my current situation.
I remember my first heartbreak, when I was 16 years old. After she broke up with me I tried so hard to win her back. I read up on techniques and strategies and talked to everyone I knew about it… But we never got back together, and I eventually got over her. I set it free, she never came back into my life, and thus it wasn’t meant to be. It took a long time for me to let her go. Over a year I think… and it solidified with me moving back to my hometown across the country. Now that pain feels so distant and yet almost nostalgic. I think it might have been easier then. Less complex. Maybe this pain will one day be the same.January 13, 2016 at 4:47 pm #92428
I don’t think it was all due to her ex. I think her ex was a factor, but she was also just in a place where she felt she couldn’t commit to me in a serious relationship sense. She could only offer some kind of hot and cold version of it which in her mind was I guess “dating” or something. She obviously didn’t feel good with it which lead to all the problems around the holidays and eventually the break up talk which included her saying I need to find someone who could give me the things I was looking for. Me finding someone who I deserve.
For what any of this is worth… I don’t think she wants to go back into a relationship with him, I just think she doesn’t know how to let go. Similar to how she is struggling to let me go now. I always trusted that I was the only one she was seeing while we were together… there were no signs of her cheating on me, and really she wouldn’t have done it. I mean I remember back in July I asked if she was seeing anyone else and she told me she wasn’t. I believed her then and I believe it’s still the case now. As confused and lost and messy as she was, she wasn’t the type to cheat in that sense. Her communication with her ex was an issue, but it was convoluted. I’m 99% certain they never saw each other while we were together. Her work schedule is vigorous and I was seeing her 3-4 times a week for the most part. She only ever went a day or two without communication towards the end of our time together. So while I understand the inclination to wonder, I am pretty confident in saying that it wasn’t part of it.
I wish I could better explain what I gathered from her previous relationship but I don’t know much… I don’t know why they still talk, I don’t know what her intentions are with him, or what his intentions are with her, but they have not been a couple for almost a year now even though he still says I love you. I don’t think she’s just going to go back to him. She doesn’t want to move to where he is now and I don’t think he is moving back here.
Last night on the phone she made it seem like he was less of the problem, and it was more of an issue in her head about not wanting to get right back into something serious after exiting what was an emotional rollercoaster of a serious relationship. She cared deeply for me, and was selfish in holding on to me while I was hurting, because she couldn’t give me that level of commitment. It doesn’t change much… but that’s what I gathered.January 13, 2016 at 3:10 pm #92415
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me, I need them now more than ever.
I don’t know what she did or who she talked to in the 13 days that have gone by since we had the break up, but she wouldn’t have been able to see her ex because he lives on the other side of the country. I’m sure they talked like they normally do. She probably didn’t make any changes… she just felt the loss of me from her life and was saddened by that. It gave her the feeling like she had to pull me in again. And for that hour and a half on the phone she almost did… but the pain I’ve felt since getting off the phone has only gotten worse. After talking with my best friend, my sister, my mother, and all of you on here… I know that it’s not moving the right way.
I worked up the courage to send her a message. One of closure that I hope she respects this time. It read:
“I know I said we should go a week, and I hate going back on that so quickly. But I have been heavily conflicted since we spoke, to the point where I was breaking into tears in the middle of the night and am now doing it at work. I don’t want to feel this kind of pain anymore. There is certainly a part of me that wants to have your love in my life, but I don’t think it is possible anymore. My reasons are many, though I think the most important is that nothing really has changed. You still feel you can’t commit to me the way I would want you to. I also know you still have feelings for [ex’s name] and wouldn’t be able to cut that off entirely for me. It doesn’t matter if we were to try and take it slow or not because throughout our time together you were trying to slow it down and I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t be able to this time around either. There are just too many what ifs, too serious of doubts, and too many feelings that hurt. It’s still just as messy as it was, and if we try to make it work now I can’t see it being for either of us. I wish I had the strength to try, or the patience to wait, but my emotional capacity has drained. I’m so sorry it can’t work. I think it would be best if we stopped talking for good now and we both moved on from this completely.”
I’ve eradicated any romantic fantasies of how this will play out now. If I see her again in life, then I will assess it all then. If I don’t, I’m probably better off. It’s very difficult to have to kill off whatever love still lingers. But you have all helped me realize that I have to for my own health.January 13, 2016 at 1:42 pm #92388
I’ve only felt worse about it as the day has gone on. I think I have to reach out to her one last time and say it can’t work. I’m crushed to do it but I think it’s the only thing left to do. There’s too much wishful thinking and romantic fantasy in thinking it will work now. I have to let that go.January 13, 2016 at 9:48 am #92357
Well we ended up talking again last night. We didn’t see each other, but we spent an hour and half talking on the phone. I was able to express all the pain and sadness I felt, all the things I felt were unfair, all the problems that were there. She apologized for her actions… and she told me how important I was to her and how much she wanted me to be in her life. She felt that we really rushed into things, and it wasn’t either of our faults but it made things very difficult for her. She never wanted it to be like she belonged to me, or her ex. She wanted to be independent even though we had some kind of relationship… But she was never really clear about that. I think she felt so much pressure from her previous one to be defined by the relationship that she was trying to avoid that again at all costs. She made a lot of mistakes with me, and she regrets them. She wants to try and start slowly again. No rushing into anything, just trying to build something better over time.
I told her we should take a full week before we talk again. I need to get some more clarity and she needs to understand what I want and need if we were to go forward – I made all of that pretty clear. She thought that was a good idea, and so thus the week has begun.
I’m conflicted. I of course really care about this girl and see the genuine feelings coming from her. I know she feels like she messed up, and I know she doesn’t want me back just because she’s lonely. She wants me back because she feels like I’m someone special too. I told her it wouldn’t work if her ex is still in the picture. That’s a stipulation I can’t back down on… but at this point I feel like I’ve put so much work into letting her go that it feels wrong to turn around. All of my friends and family have supported me, all of you on this site have supported me. To disown everyone’s support seems like the wrong thing to do. My sister thinks that it will just end up in a bad spot again… that after some 7 months of it I have a pretty good idea of how this girl handles things and what could happen again. I don’t want to put myself in that position.
I’m not sure what other information is useful here. I really felt like she was trying, but I don’t know if it’s right or wrong to work on it with her again. Thank you all again for your thoughts.January 12, 2016 at 6:22 pm #92275
You’re in a good place to share your thoughts, and you should treat this as a place to express yourself freely. There are a lot of important voices that come through these forums and posts.
It sounds like your relationship has been a life experience. One that had great significance in shaping who you have become. While I have gone through rough break ups, and am currently experiencing one of the worst, I always find comfort in the idea that there will be someone out there who will make me realize why it didn’t work out with anyone else. It only takes one time for us to be right. Perhaps this relationship has finally run its course, and maybe you’re on your way to meeting a better soul for you to love. You have the power to control your own destiny.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to take a break from this relationship, and maybe a break from that whole world for awhile. Find the love for yourself again. It’s possible, it will just take time and strength. You both should take the time to be absent from your lives. While the sadness of loss will linger, you will find other things to be hopeful about. It’s all part of being human.
I wish you all the best. Keep your head up.January 12, 2016 at 6:12 pm #92274
Thanks to everyone who wrote back.
I’ve had a weird feeling sitting with me since I talked to her. I spent a lot of time yesterday and today debating if I should reach out to her… If I should take her up on her invite to meet for a drink tonight, if I should write her a message explaining why it is probably not for the best… At this point though I feel I should just leave it alone. That also seems to be supported by my friends and family.
Jenny you asked if I feel I could ever be just friends with her, and I think the answer is yes but it’s hard to say right now. Of course, while I’m in the thick of mourning the loss of love, it would be too difficult. I certainly have no intention of being her friend anytime soon. and it’s probably for the best that we don’t talk often (or at all) while we let each other go. With that said, I think that if things weren’t ever to work out romantically between us I would still like to keep in touch with her. She’s too special of a person for me to write off forever. Perhaps I would be even more inclined towards a friendship if I found the love I deserve with someone else… someone who was really good to me, who I wouldn’t want to leave for anyone. At that point I wouldn’t entertain the idea of a possible romantic future with her. But it’s all hard to say at this point.
Cognition, I find myself completely agreeing with your post. Before all of this, I really believed that fighting for love was courageous, no matter the emotional cost. I look back on previous relationships I had and I remember fighting for them too… but a fantasy ending never came. It seems like once you’ve had a little bit, it’s worth putting yourself on the line for all of it. I’m much too exhausted now to do that. I think I’ve become jaded in a lot of ways at this point… and I don’t mean that in a pessimistic “love doesn’t exist” kind of way. I still very much believe in romance, love, and the beauty of both, but I’m much too tired to put myself on the line for it right now. For her or for anyone else.
I miss her. I don’t know if I find any comfort in knowing she misses me too. It’s sad that there really isn’t anything that can be done about that. I know we must think about each other equally, and both be feeling the loss in a difficult way. She wanted so bad to see me, but I just can’t see that being good for either of us. I hope my absence helps her realize that I can no longer play the game. I hope it brings her some clarity even though it hurts.January 11, 2016 at 1:41 am #92092
She texted me tonight, and eventually called. We spoke on the phone for about 15 minutes. She said she missed me, and she apologized for it being a mess. She said she thought about me often and wishes she could call me and see me. Her next night off from work is Tuesday, and she wanted to meet with me if I was up for it.
I told her I couldn’t, that it would be too difficult. I said I’m still confused on a lot of things and I know she is too. She agreed with that. I said it is best for us not to talk, she asked if I meant forever and I said no.. just not for now. She was sad, and in short said she understood. She said the ball was in my court when and if I want to see her. I asked what it would mean if we did, because I certainly can’t be her friend right now.. but she said she wouldn’t be able to be just friends either. The unemotional side of me recognized that as being essentially us getting right back to square one. So thus nothing has changed. We both miss each other and are sad that we are no longer what we were, even though what we were wasn’t working.
I’ve learned a lot over the past 10 days. I know that seeing her won’t make this easier. I know that she wasn’t coming to me out of confidence, but out of confusion and sadness. I’m going to have to be the bigger one here and keep the distance. Using the strength I once put into the relationship to now hold a distance.
It didn’t tear me down to talk to her. I felt okay. I still do.
That’s where I’ll leave it for tonight.January 9, 2016 at 9:23 am #91880
Thank you for sharing more of your story Jenny. What you went through sounds like an incredibly painful experience, and I’m grateful that you are in a place now where you can share it. I was actually taking anti depressants for the first time right before I met this girl, but there were unforeseen side-effects that made me want to try something else. When my doctor picked another for me, it seemed my anxiety symptoms got worse, so I just decided to do away with a daily medication and stick to taking Xanax when my panic attacks happened. That seems to have worked out good enough. I just don’t have the courage to try out new once-daily prescriptions anymore.
The anger in my panic attack brought a lot of reality out, and killed a lot of fantasy. That was difficult, because like I said I had convinced myself all the trouble was going to dissipate and it would all get better. I put her on a pedestal, and I put too much heart into the unlikely future. It was an important realization.
I woke up today with little anger left in me. Just like Jenny said, the days fluctuate feelings. I’m back to feeling the loss of a person I cared deeply for. I miss having her around… but I don’t mess the stress of not knowing when she would be.
I hung out with friends last night, and I’m going out again tonight. My weekend should be nice. Work will be less chaotic next week too. Things are going in the right direction ever so slowly.
She sent me a game invite to that app we played again last night. It didn’t really bother me as much this time, and I simply ignored it. I guess I know for certain that she misses me too.
Thanks for reading.January 8, 2016 at 8:46 am #91771
I had an anxiety attack on the way home from work last night. It was almost as bad as the one I had back in September that made me want to seek therapy. Maybe just as bad actually. It manifested through my work day being hectic. It was much more strenuous than usual. I had very little to eat, and had very little time to try and make myself feel good in the day. When I got out late I had to do a couple more things and prepare myself for all that I had to do today. As I was driving home I accidentally ran a red light, and I just lost it. I had to pull over and let myself endure the emotional overload.
It was 15 minutes of pain. 15 minutes of imploding sadness and anger. I felt truly mad at her for the first time. I felt resentment for having put so much faith into the relationship, for convincing myself that it was going to work out even though it was hard. I remembered early on in our time together when I thought about walking away, but I let myself believe in her and believe it was worth it. I remembered another time back in November, the day after my birthday, when on her doorstep I asked her to tell me when and if I should stop fighting for her and she said she would. It took her some 5 weeks later to do that. She didn’t want me to go because I made her happy, and I took that as a sign it was destiny. The pain I felt was less about the ending of our relationship and more about the ending of my faith in her and what I thought was going to be.
I eventually calmed down, drove home, got in bed, and let myself watch a funny movie. I slept very heavy.
I’m up early today because again my agenda is full. I don’t feel too negative or anything, but yesterday was one hell of a day.
Today marks one week since the break up. Gonna do my best to keep my head up.