January 6, 2016 at 8:53 pm #91647
If she truly wants to end things with her ex and wants to open herself up to new relationships, SHE is going to have to be the one to cut the soul tie that she has with him. Otherwise, he’s just going to keep popping back up into her life whenever he feels like it, and she will end up falling apart all over again. I’m not familiar with how their relationship was prior to the relationship they are in now, but I’m guessing it must have been pretty serious if it led to them getting engaged at one point – which is the reason why she has a soul tie with him.
I recently cut the soul tie I had with ex-husband, because I now realize that remaining friends with him while trying to move forward with a new relationship wasn’t getting me anywhere. Although our marriage didn’t work out, I still think he is a good person. He is a good father to our daughter, and I do care about him and want him to be happy. I used to pride myself in being able to tell others that I was friends with my ex – but in reality, this just isn’t possible, regardless if you share a child with this person or not (at least that’s how I think about it now). Being on friendly terms and loving and caring for an ex from a distance is one thing, but being friends with an ex is entirely different.
Like your ex, I didn’t want to hurt anybody…I wanted to please everybody. I felt that in order for me to meet this need, everyone would get a “piece” of me, that way everyone would be satisfied and no one would get hurt. But it didn’t work. And I kick myself everyday for even thinking that it would. My boyfriend never got the “whole” me, if that makes any sense. It was hard. I knew I was hurting my boyfriend by distancing myself and not giving my complete self to him, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to hurt my ex-husband’s feelings either. The truth is though, I should have put my boyfriend’s feelings FIRST. I should have cared about not hurting his feelings FIRST…
Each time I didn’t answer a call or respond to a text from him…I wasn’t putting him first.
When he tried to get closer to me, and I pushed him away…I wasn’t putting him first.
When he tried to get me to communicate with him, to get me to talk to him about what I was thinking and feeling…what I was going through…only to shut down and distance myself…I wasn’t putting him first.
I hurt him terribly. I hurt him by only giving him a piece of me…a few good weeks here and there…..and then it was nothing…nothing but emptiness. Nothing but me being cold and distant.
There’s only so much a person can take…and I understand why he left. It was best for him to walk away now, rather than wait for me to sort my life out. In a way, him leaving is a blessing, because it woke me up. It made me realize that I have to get well…that I have to take care of myself. I know it’ll be a lot of work, but its also a grand opportunity for me to find myself again and grow from this experience. But still…there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t regret the way that I mistreated him. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. I can only hope that one day he is able to make peace with this in his heart.
So here I am…broken…beaten…but still alive. Some days I can make it without breaking down…others, I’ll find myself being reminded of something about my ex-boyfriend and I fall to pieces. It is a roller coaster, but I’m taking it all in and letting myself go through the feelings. I have to. I know I’ll recover from this, because I’ve done it before…and I know you can too Max.
Sleep well, and until next time…
– JennyJanuary 7, 2016 at 8:13 am #91670
* Dear Jenny:
What a powerful testimony! So well written, authentic, honest, intelligent… what a treasure to read this morning! My thoughts following reading it: trying to please everyone, giving different people pieces of you so to please everyone and in the process neglecting those you care about most and neglecting yourself… thank you for this beautiful post!
anitaJanuary 7, 2016 at 11:46 am #91697
I’d like to thank everyone for their posts. Trianglesun your advice has always been very straightforward and true. I appreciate that.
Jenny, your experience in love and relationships has made you very capable of sharing good advice. I hope that the girl I write about can also find a personal awakening in my departure. She doesn’t deserve to feel all of the complex sadness that comes with a dysfunctional relationship – just like I don’t. I’m not sure what joy she gets out of maintaining the communication she does with her ex. She once explained it to me, briefly, that she had put so much into it… that they had such a strong few years… it wasn’t something she could easily cut off. I understood that, but at the same time I saw the damage holding on to it did. Their relationship is really a mystery to me, but I know they built a life together for awhile… and at some point she felt she had to stop… Just a few months before she met me. Maybe she did it to see what else was out there, maybe to take some more time to be independent. Either way, I think the indecisiveness caused her more pain in the end. I hope she has her reasons and feels they were right for her. I hope she finds her happiness like I hope I find mine.
A relationship of 14 years certainly weighs heavier than mine of some 7 months, but I appreciate all that you are able to provide in terms of insight. You are very strong for being at the point you are now. For all the kind things you’ve said to help me, know that you too are doing the right thing and should feel good about that… even though we both know how difficult that feels. We will all recover from our heart aches and pains. Life is short but events like these are just part of the time line.
I woke up this morning feeling quite low. The mornings are the hardest for me. I forced myself out of bed and into my running shoes, and went on a jog for half an hour. The music was loud, and the scenery was beautiful, but I thought about her the whole time. I felt the pain of my heartbreak as I sprinted and I hoped that it was making me stronger. By the time I got home and into the hot shower, I felt some relief. My day has begun and I will get through it just fine.January 7, 2016 at 6:16 pm #91738
Thank you Anita. I read the forums often and am always inspired by the advice that you give to others. Your appreciation for what I had to say means a lot.January 7, 2016 at 6:42 pm #91739
Your are more than enough.
You are worthy.
You deserve the same amount of love that you give.
You deserve to be FIRST.
You deserve better.
Never settle for less than what you deserve – because if you did, what are you telling yourself…and what are you telling your partner…?
It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to get back up…so long as you get up, and you keep moving forward.
Until next time…
The untold want by life and land ne’er granted,
Now Voyager, sail thou forth to seek and find. – W.W.January 7, 2016 at 9:44 pm #91754
* Thank you, Jenny, for your kind words… and you are welcome.
Max, how are you?
anitaJanuary 8, 2016 at 8:46 am #91771
I had an anxiety attack on the way home from work last night. It was almost as bad as the one I had back in September that made me want to seek therapy. Maybe just as bad actually. It manifested through my work day being hectic. It was much more strenuous than usual. I had very little to eat, and had very little time to try and make myself feel good in the day. When I got out late I had to do a couple more things and prepare myself for all that I had to do today. As I was driving home I accidentally ran a red light, and I just lost it. I had to pull over and let myself endure the emotional overload.
It was 15 minutes of pain. 15 minutes of imploding sadness and anger. I felt truly mad at her for the first time. I felt resentment for having put so much faith into the relationship, for convincing myself that it was going to work out even though it was hard. I remembered early on in our time together when I thought about walking away, but I let myself believe in her and believe it was worth it. I remembered another time back in November, the day after my birthday, when on her doorstep I asked her to tell me when and if I should stop fighting for her and she said she would. It took her some 5 weeks later to do that. She didn’t want me to go because I made her happy, and I took that as a sign it was destiny. The pain I felt was less about the ending of our relationship and more about the ending of my faith in her and what I thought was going to be.
I eventually calmed down, drove home, got in bed, and let myself watch a funny movie. I slept very heavy.
I’m up early today because again my agenda is full. I don’t feel too negative or anything, but yesterday was one hell of a day.
Today marks one week since the break up. Gonna do my best to keep my head up.January 8, 2016 at 8:59 am #91776
What a testimony of the power of healing that you are experiencing: how positive, and how healthy! Your insight into what brought about the anxiety attack, the emotional overload is very good, complete: the strenuous work day, not eating, not soothing yourself that day so to relieve the growing overload…
And then, a week after the breakup, you finally feel the anger- yes, the message behind the anger… you tell it, if you would like: what is the message in your anger?
I am excited for you. The fact you slept well and feeling better today, I believe, is that something became clear to you, something that aligns with reality and not with fantasy; with what IS vs what you wished there was.
What is the message behind your anger of yesterday…? If you are comfortable to think about it at any time.. when you are..
anitaJanuary 8, 2016 at 6:41 pm #91834
If I’m getting too personal, let me know – but have you ever considered getting a script for an anti-depressant? I’m not sure how you feel about taking medication, or if you are currently on any, so please excuse me if I’m offending you in any way.
I have been on, and am currently on one now. I have experienced depression and anxiety attacks in the past, and I know how debilitating it can be. You aren’t really focusing on the present, and on being present; so the thoughts that are running through your head right now are taking over, and they’re paralyzing you. It’s easy to tell yourself that you just won’t think about what’s bothering you, and that you’ll be ok – but you and I both know that isn’t going to work. I’m only suggesting getting a script because it helped me, and it could possibly help you too.
A few years ago, when I was still married, I experienced a traumatic event. My ex (who is in the military) was court martialed for having an inappropriate relationship with a trainee. He was convicted, and his sentence included a severe reduction in rank, as well as confinement time. Because of his reduction in rank, I had to move out my own home…because I could no longer afford to live there. I had to sell a lot of our belongings in order to pay off any debt and to get our house packed up and moved into storage. I ended up driving cross country to my parents home so that my daughter and I could live rent and utilities free until my ex was released from confinement. At that time, the worst part for me wasn’t the fact that he cheated again or that he was even court martialed – it was the fact that I didn’t even KNOW he had gotten himself into trouble, and that he was even going through a court martial (some previous co-workers of his at the last base we were stationed at, were flown down to attend his trial as character witnesses, and they were the ones that showed up on my doorstep to tell me what had happened, and what was going on behind my back for the past few months).
At that time, I was going through a whirlwind of emotions. I was a train wreck, to say the least. I was in shock. I was in denial. I was angry. I was hurt. I was sad. I was hopeful. Every single day was different, and the emotions that came over me were literally like a roller coaster – they’d go up and down, up and down, up and down…and I drove myself crazy. I became severely depressed, and eventually I turned into a vegetable. I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t get out of my bed. I didn’t eat anything and started wasting away. I spent the next several months lying there, ruminating about the past: what had happened, why he lied to me, why he did what he did, if the girl he messed around with was prettier than me or smarter than me or funnier than me. I drove myself crazy wondering what it was about me that wasn’t satisfactory. I started blaming myself. My life at that moment in time was focused on what had happened in the past, while in the mean time, my present was flying right by me. I remember one day where I became really anxious and had an attack…and I panicked. I seriously thought that I was going to die…it was overwhelming. I couldn’t breathe. My heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. I couldn’t think clearly. One day I just couldn’t take feeling like that anymore – I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I called my PCM and made an appointment to get a referral for counseling. It was then that I was first put on medication.
Medication doesn’t make the pain go away, but it did/does help me manage my symptoms. I still went to counseling and I still cried. I still had thoughts running through my head every now and then…but at least the medication helped me control some of the things I didn’t want to feel…at least I could put more of my energy into what was going on in my present.
Something else that made it especially difficult for me to cope then (and even now) is that I have no friends here locally that I can call up and meet with, whenever I want company or need someone to talk to. It’s very lonely for me at times…I do not have a close knit group of friends here that I can reach out to…at times it can make me feel unnecessarily sorry for myself (pity party!) which upsets me even more than I already am. If I could suggest anything else to you Max, is that you please reach out to your friends and talk to them. Tell them what you’re going through and what you are feeling. Let them remind you of the person you once were, before all of this happened…and let that be a part of your motivation to get well. If not, force yourself to go out and have fun by yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t let your thoughts paralyze you, like they did mine…and don’t become a vegetable.
So you got a little more of my history…and its crazy…and definitely even crazier how I allowed that past of mine to creep back up into my present.
I feel for what you are going through Max, and I hope you can find some comfort in what I’ve said. In no way am I trying to downplay what you are going through – pain is pain. I know it’s HARD and it can seem like you’ll never come back up to the surface for air – but if anything, you could always read my story, and use it as a reminder to yourself that things could always be much, much worse. You will come back up for air Max…know this. Know that one day you will wake up, and you will not feel like this anymore.
Stay strong and rest well Max, you deserve it.
Until next time…
– JennyJanuary 8, 2016 at 7:11 pm #91838
* Jenny: would you like to start a new thread. I would like to read more and I would like you to get comments, you will definitely get my responses. That may ease up a bit the isolation. I don’t want to write too much on Max’s thread, so a new thread by you will be welcome! Take care of yourself.
anitaJanuary 9, 2016 at 9:23 am #91880
Thank you for sharing more of your story Jenny. What you went through sounds like an incredibly painful experience, and I’m grateful that you are in a place now where you can share it. I was actually taking anti depressants for the first time right before I met this girl, but there were unforeseen side-effects that made me want to try something else. When my doctor picked another for me, it seemed my anxiety symptoms got worse, so I just decided to do away with a daily medication and stick to taking Xanax when my panic attacks happened. That seems to have worked out good enough. I just don’t have the courage to try out new once-daily prescriptions anymore.
The anger in my panic attack brought a lot of reality out, and killed a lot of fantasy. That was difficult, because like I said I had convinced myself all the trouble was going to dissipate and it would all get better. I put her on a pedestal, and I put too much heart into the unlikely future. It was an important realization.
I woke up today with little anger left in me. Just like Jenny said, the days fluctuate feelings. I’m back to feeling the loss of a person I cared deeply for. I miss having her around… but I don’t mess the stress of not knowing when she would be.
I hung out with friends last night, and I’m going out again tonight. My weekend should be nice. Work will be less chaotic next week too. Things are going in the right direction ever so slowly.
She sent me a game invite to that app we played again last night. It didn’t really bother me as much this time, and I simply ignored it. I guess I know for certain that she misses me too.
Thanks for reading.January 9, 2016 at 10:26 am #91901
I think you are doing so well, the grieving process: sadness over the loss, anger over the hurt, realizing what is real and what is fantasy. Taking care of yourself, paying attention to the work load and its affect on you. I am quite impressed. It is not easy but you are making it, slowly, patiently. Good job, if I may say so!
anitaJanuary 11, 2016 at 1:41 am #92092
She texted me tonight, and eventually called. We spoke on the phone for about 15 minutes. She said she missed me, and she apologized for it being a mess. She said she thought about me often and wishes she could call me and see me. Her next night off from work is Tuesday, and she wanted to meet with me if I was up for it.
I told her I couldn’t, that it would be too difficult. I said I’m still confused on a lot of things and I know she is too. She agreed with that. I said it is best for us not to talk, she asked if I meant forever and I said no.. just not for now. She was sad, and in short said she understood. She said the ball was in my court when and if I want to see her. I asked what it would mean if we did, because I certainly can’t be her friend right now.. but she said she wouldn’t be able to be just friends either. The unemotional side of me recognized that as being essentially us getting right back to square one. So thus nothing has changed. We both miss each other and are sad that we are no longer what we were, even though what we were wasn’t working.
I’ve learned a lot over the past 10 days. I know that seeing her won’t make this easier. I know that she wasn’t coming to me out of confidence, but out of confusion and sadness. I’m going to have to be the bigger one here and keep the distance. Using the strength I once put into the relationship to now hold a distance.
It didn’t tear me down to talk to her. I felt okay. I still do.
That’s where I’ll leave it for tonight.January 11, 2016 at 9:22 am #92106
I am utterly impressed and amazed by the healthy mind that posted the above (and before, I noticed the grieving process was progressing healthily)- so utterly amazed. Not that I expect your thinking to always be as clear and realistic as this (this here is top!) – but I can see that you are evolving so well, on the right path. I just sensed an excitement in me thinking about what this means to your future, your life, my goodness: it can progress so very well as you continue walking on the path you are on.
As I read your post above, at the point where you wrote that she said that the ball is in your court, at that point it was as clear as can be that she did not come to you with confidence. This sentence of her clearly indicates that she is not getting it, that she is not getting that the ball is in HER court, not yours. She is not getting that she needs to do some serious, heavy duty work. She is not getting that it is not going to work: her relaxing, or passively waiting for you to make the next move. She needs to be active, not passive, work, initiate, move things… not wait for you to… go back to square one, as you put it.
And after I read that ball-in-your-court line, I continued to read how you evaluated the situation just as I did and the fact that you have, being the one in the situation, make … me very confident about my evaluation of it. Excellent job, says I!
anitaJanuary 11, 2016 at 4:04 pm #92137
I am glad that you were strong enough to tell her that seeing her now would be too difficult for you…and you’re right, it wouldn’t make things easier (for both of you) if you did. I’m glad that you have also reached a point where speaking to her isn’t tearing you up inside as you say.
Reading your comment about not being able to be her friend right now makes me curious to know if you think you’ll ever be able to be “just friends” with her. It made me think a lot about my situation, and how my ex wants to continue to remain in contact with me. After going through what I did with my ex husband, it made me realize that I really can’t hold on to a friendship with an ex because it interferes with developing and maintaining healthy relationships in the future (as shown from my recent breakup/and your recent breakup). What are your thoughts on this? I’m curious to know how the “other side” in a situation such as this feels about continuing to remain in contact with an ex after breaking up.
Until next time…