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Bad timing and fork in the road

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  • #91319
    jd0209
    Participant

    Dear Max,

    Please forgive me for replying to this thread. I am new to using this site and am not familiar with posting “etiquette”.

    Max, I felt the need to reply to your post because your situation sounds eerily familiar to what I am going through – however, in my case, I am the one who felt the need to ask for more time.

    My relationship ended very recently, with him being the one to walk away due to my indecisiveness/and not wanting to hurt anyone. He had told me that he would like to keep in touch, and that if I were to ever need anything or need someone to talk to, to please reach out to him.

    Like you, he is a wonderful man, with a tremendously big heart – he is more than I could ever want and need. I do love him, but because of my current circumstances, I could not love him the way that I wanted to.

    Even though I understand that our relationship had to end, I am still devastated; and I am remorseful for the way that I hurt him and his heart. Although it is wrong of me to have any hope for reconciliation in the future, as each day passes, it does provide me with some comfort to think that maybe he and I can be together one day. The right way.

    I just want you to know that you aren’t alone in the way that you think and feel – like you, I am grieving the death of a relationship, and am slowing taking things in day by day.

    I know you are hurting, but just know that one day you will wake up and you won’t feel like this anymore. I am hopeful that you will be able to find happiness and that you will be in a better place.

    Take care,
    Jenny

    #91327
    Kerrie
    Participant

    Hi Max,

    I wanted to thank you for your posts and sharing all your thoughts and feelings about what you’ve been going through over the past few months. Your posts and the responses from the others have been really helpful for me to read as I’ve been going through a similar situation and experiencing similar feelings. I’m really glad you were willing to share your experiences, I hope you know it has provided help to another person.
    I hope you find some peace and comfort as time passes. I wish I had wise words to help you feel better, but I am afraid I am at a loss. Please remember that you deserve the very best.

    #91427
    eitherway
    Participant

    Hello to both Jenny and Kerrie!

    I am so very grateful that you each have found value in my posts. Knowing that there are others out there feeling these intense emotions and going through similar situations helps me feel less lonely. Jenny, I feel like your point of view might be similar to the one on the other side of my story, I know it must be just as hard.

    I really appreciate both of you for reaching out, and I hope to hear more from you soon.

    This morning I saw a new therapist, I had seen one occasionally over the past few months but I felt she wasn’t able to offer me the guidance and comfort I was hoping for. This new one is very kind, and I spent most of our session today going in depth about my story. I choked up at times retelling the details, but in the end it helped to express those emotions verbally to someone new who had no bias. It was almost as therapeutic as this website is for me! She told me it was strong of me to give it the fight I did, and that I did everything I could without walking away too early. I shouldn’t feel like I gave up the fight, because I had incredible patience and love throughout the journey. It was nice to hear that encouragement.

    Since leaving her office and being at work, I’ve allowed myself to just be sad. I am doing my best to not entertain any what ifs or hypotheticals today, just simply letting myself feel what I need to… and it feels oddly good for me. When I think about the next time we will talk, what she is doing right now, or when and if we’ll ever get together again – I feel my heart ache.

    None of that torture today though. Just feeling natural human emotion.

    Thank you all again. Feel free to use this thread as a means to express any thoughts you might be having. I hope it can serve as a place for sound advice and information to anyone going through this kind of break up.

    #91458
    jd0209
    Participant

    Hi Max,

    I started seeing a new therapist today as well, as my current one will be out of the office for a few weeks. It was a different experience, as we were not familiar with one another – and like you, I spent most of the hour having to retell all the details of whats going on in my life at the moment. Very emotional session, but cathartic as well.

    Work was pretty ho hum. I managed to get all of my work done, but did take several breaks throughout the day to write down some of my thoughts in my journal, which was helpful.

    Max, our stories do seem pretty close to similar. However, in my case, I did not go back to my ex and I also lost my boyfriend as well. Speaking from the other side of the relationship, I want you to know that it hasn’t been easy for me. Its been a month since the relationship with my boyfriend ended and I am still trying to come to terms with and accept that its over. It’s hard…but I know that in time, I will heal. I know that at times it can feel very overwhelming – but honestly, reading through some of the posts and articles on this site has helped a great deal, so I am appreciative of having this type of support during my difficult time. All I can do now is use this time to put the focus back on me, regroup, and know that I will eventually come back a stronger and healthier person.

    I don’t know you, but I’d like to think that you are a good person, so I’d like to repeat some words to you that I have told my boyfriend after our relationship ended:

    I want you to know that you are more than enough Max. You deserve the same amount of love that you give, and you should never settle for less than what you deserve.

    I hope that brings you some comfort, if any…

    Please have a good night Max and rest well. Till next time…

    – Jenny

    #91522
    eitherway
    Participant

    Hi Jenny,

    Thank you for telling me that. She said something similar to me the last night we were together, and as much as it hurt to hear it was still coming from a place of love which was comforting.

    By the end of last night I was feeling pretty confident about moving forward… until right around midnight when she reached out to me. At first I saw that she sent me a game invite to the app we used to play almost nightly together for six months. I ignored that even though it took me for a spin for a moment. Then about an hour and a half later a facebook message came. It was a string of about four messages. The first one was just a random emoji, an accident I guess, because the three that followed were her saying she didn’t mean to send it and was trying to figure out how to delete it. I told myself it was better to not respond and proceeded to go to bed.

    Now I have two things to ignore and it definitely hurts to do it. I don’t think she’s trying to do anything more than reach out and check on me, maybe trying to be friendly and keep me in her life, but nothing more. I know she has to be hurting.. and like I said this is the longest we have ever gone without communicating. I feel that all I can do is just leave it alone since both attempts were kind of harmless – and one might have actually been a mistake if she was just reading through our old message conversations or something.

    I slept okay, but I know I’ll feel strange about it all day.
    Any advice and support would certainly help.
    Thanks.

    #91526
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Max:

    Good thinking on your part! Reasonable, makes sense. Her motivations for these latest messages… unknown, who knows… one can only guess. Last I wrote to you following you suggesting that why shouldn’t she come to you, I wrote, good idea. Let her, if she will, come to you no longer doubting. Whatever those latest messages were about, one thing is for sure: that was not a confident woman coming to you. You don’t want the doubting woman back, you want a confident woman or not at all. Do you agree with this? Good work updating. I like this thread starting in August and into the new year. Curious to what happens next…

    Keep moving forward, good job, says I!
    anita

    #91529
    eitherway
    Participant

    I think you’re exactly right Anita. I have a pretty strong feeling that she had been drinking when she sent those messages, just from the way they were structured, the time of night, and how random they were. That was not a confident woman at all, it was her feeling lost and trying to cope. Thank you for the encouragement!

    #91554
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Max. Let’s keep this thread going as needed! I think it is working!
    anita

    #91558
    jd0209
    Participant

    Dear Max,

    I agree with Anita – if she ever does come back (and if at that moment in time you still want her back) she has to be free from anything and anyone holding her back, and she has to be free from doubt – otherwise you’re going to go through this emotional rollercoaster all over again, and I know you don’t want that.

    Anita had also mentioned in a previous response that it seems like there is more going on with her other than having difficulty choosing between you and her ex – I agree with this as well. She should want this time apart to work on herself…but unfortunately she has to do it on her own…without you and without her ex…but it doesn’t seem like she’s doing that right now.

    Think of it this way: she chose her ex over you…and now she’s sending you random messages in the middle of the night…you know why? Because she’s stuck in limbo and she’s still unsure if she’s made the “right” choice – not healthy, not cool, not your problem, and it’s not fair to you. Period. These attempts at contacting you (after she’s already made her choice to be with her ex) are not helping you…they’re just making you overanalyze the entire situation, they’re prolonging your pain, and they’re preventing you from healing and moving on with your life. Please don’t allow her to continue pulling you back and forth in this love triangle, treating you like you’re a second place prize (which you are not!) and consider blocking her from social media to prevent this from happening again in the future.

    I know this may be hard to hear, but the relationship you had with her is over…it’s in the past…it happened, and it ended…there were good times and there were bad times…and there is nothing you can do to change any of it. I am sorry, but it’s true. I know you don’t want to feel like this forever Max…the goal is to get you well, and get you stronger so that you’ll be able to open yourself back up to healthier and more meaningful relationships – and I know you can do this! Please don’t hold on to something that you do not have the power to change or control. You can only change yourself and the situation that you’ve found yourself in.

    Stay positive and stay strong Max.

    Until next time…

    – Jenny

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by jd0209.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by jd0209.
    #91569
    eitherway
    Participant

    Thank you Jenny. I agree with everything you are saying even though it is hard to take it all in.

    I won’t let her pull me back in again, not like this. I hope she doesn’t make the same mistake of reaching out to me when so little of time has passed. She really is in a whirlwind of emotion right now, who knows if her and her ex will even figure it out and make it work between them. Regardless, I don’t need to get caught up in it once again. I hope if she ever does say she wants it to work between us.. she says it out of confidence in herself and in our future… and enough time has passed for it to be real. But I won’t hold on to that hope forever.

    I haven’t felt too torn up today, just moments here and there. I’m keeping my head up as the day moves on. Thank you both again very much.

    #91571
    eitherway
    Participant

    Not sure if this matters too much.. but I opened up the facebook message and saw that it definitely was a slip of the thumb. There’s some weird feature on the messenger app that has a button for sending a “thumbs up”/”like” emoticon and it’s right next to the keyboard. Not sure what she was doing in our message box, but she didn’t mean to send that.

    #91592
    jd0209
    Participant

    Max,

    I’d like to apologize to you, as my previous words were not intended to hurt you – but after re-reading my previous post, I can see that I should have been more thoughtful in my reply. I am truly sorry if I hurt or offended you Max.

    A few days after my boyfriend had ended our relationship, I ended up calling and messaging him a few times too, even begging him (don’t ever do this) to give our relationship another chance. He was very firm in telling me that he didn’t think getting back together now was a good idea…because he knew that I was not in a healthy place. I clearly remember him telling me that he wanted me to get well – words that are permanently etched into my brain…because you know what, he’s right. I am not well…and I am in no position to make any decisions concerning our relationship right now. When we were still dating, I kept him in limbo too, which wasn’t healthy, and it definitely wasn’t fair to him. There were weeks where everything would be great…when I was with him, it felt like the sun was shining down on me…I was happy…and then I would start thinking and thinking and thinking…and these thoughts would creep into my head like a poison, and it paralyzed me. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. All of the confusion and indecisiveness that I had led me to become distant with him and I pushed him away…repeatedly. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way that he treated me. He was great. He was very patient and very understanding of my situation. But there was always this nagging feeling in the back of my head that questioned whether he was being sincere…questioned whether he would up and leave me one day in the future if he discovered something about me that he didn’t find satisfactory…questioned whether or not we could really have a future together. My ex husband, whom I was married to for 14 years, repeatedly cheated on me. I would leave, and then he’d pop back into my life asking me to come back…and like a fool, I always did. I felt that he was the best that I’d ever get…that I could do no better…that he was what I deserved – which I know now isn’t true. Having this in my past, as well as having issues with my self-esteem and confidence…these issues have weaseled their way into my current relationships, and it doesn’t do any good. Why? Because I have to fix myself first, before I can even think about being in a relationship right now. The issues that I have with myself is what caused me to continually “flip flop” my emotions with my boyfriend, and it got to the point where he just couldn’t risk staying with me anymore…and I don’t blame him in the slightest for leaving.

    I don’t know your ex, but from what I read, I feel like she needs time for herself – with no interference from anyone. If she’s having second thoughts about the current relationship she in in with her ex right now – and clearly she is if she’s re-reading old Facebook conversations that she’s had with you and “accidentally” messaging you in the middle of the night…something isn’t right. She isn’t confident in the decisions she’s making, when she should be…especially when it involves another person’s heart. There’s a good chance that even if she were to up and leave her ex right now and come running back to you, she will still have the same thoughts…questioning whether or not she made the right choice…and you’ll be right back to square one. It’s unfortunate that she’s back in a relationship with her ex, because I can only imagine the things she is putting him through right now – again, not fair and definitely not healthy.

    Sorry for the long reply, just wanted to give you a little insight as to what it’s like on the other side of the relationship.

    Until next time…

    – Jenny

    #91603
    eitherway
    Participant

    Jenny, your insight has proven to be a huge benefit to me as I can see so many similarities. Please don’t apologize for the length of the post, and know that I was not offended or hurt by your thoughts. Again, I agree with you completely. She really needs time for herself without interference. I know her ex never gave that to her, and I still don’t think she has the courage to ask for it. Perhaps if he had really left her alone after their relationship ended… after he moved across the country… and before she ever met me… she could have had an easier time in our relationship. That is a what if though, and not a truth.

    I feel sad that she was reading up on our old conversations on facebook, and that she accidentally hit that poorly placed (and rather stupid) thumbs up button. I know that must have felt very embarrassing. She’s one to spend time reflecting. She always saved the random notes I wrote her and the pictures I sent to her. She even kept a picture of me by her bed, and the teddy bear I gave her on her pillow. She held on to a lot that I gave her in our strange time together. I used to find some confidence knowing she did that.
    I’m sure my absence is hurting, and I hurt knowing that she hurts. But like we have talked about, it’s time I just focused on healing myself. She has to heal herself.

    The feelings that have resurfaced today will slowly leave again, and maybe this time next week I will have more confidence back. I don’t plan on doing anything more than I have been now, even though she has sent words to me. I hate that I can’t respond (even if I just said that the mistaken message was okay) but I know it would just be messy if I did.

    This is just something I felt I needed to write out since it’s been on my mind.

    Thank you again for reading.

    #91614
    TriangleSun
    Participant

    I’ve already said this to you and i’ll say it again – do not let her, or anybody else for that matter, treat you like an option. She’s already done it multiple times and every time she does she knows you’ll let her right in. You need to stop her from doing that. If she comes back again, you need to get your emotions in check and flat out demand that she either commits to you or takes a hike. And if there is even a tiny bit of indecisiveness in her response I would strongly recommend moving on and never looking back. Take care of yourself first, man. You deserve someone who commits to you and loves you as much as you love them. You can’t let someone tear you down like that emotionally no matter who it is – your best friend or your significant other.

    #91624
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Max:

    Be strong and being strong at this point is doing nothing, like you wrote above. Thinking about how you are doing tonight and hoping you are well! Please post again.

    anita

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