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Broke up with boyfriend because I'm unhappy

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  • #110440
    pinkiepops
    Participant

    I met my (ex) boyfriend in December last year.
    It started off as the best relationship I’ve EVER been in, he was absolutely perfect, like a dream come true. We were inseparable and i was so unbelievably happy – as was he.
    After a couple of months though, things started to go downhill and i realised we were actually quite different, but he had displayed a different person at the beginning, to impress me. I’m a bubbly, big person, who loves going out and adventuring, meeting new people. I rarely say no to anything. He is a homebody, someone who prefers to stay in on a Friday night and go to bed early. He’s lovely but we are SO different.
    I broke up with him a couple of months ago because I just wasn’t happy. He didn’t really do anything wrong, maybe took me for granted a little bit but he didn’t do wrong by me or cheat or anything. He still always treated me to dinner and bought me flowers and thoughtful gifts. But it just wasn’t enough I guess. We did decide to try again on Sunday last week, he promised everything would change and he’d make more effort again for it to be like it was at the beginning. He cried on me and said he would never do anything to lose his best friend again. But I knew my heart wasn’t in it, though I wanted it to be. So I ended it on Friday. He was obviously very upset as he feels like I didn’t even give it another shot, but I just wasn’t feeling it. It was already spoilt.
    I just feel so wracked with guilt and like I led him on 🙁 he doesn’t have much in his life apart from me, doesn’t have many friends, still lives at home etc. I feel so rubbish and part of me wants to just ring him and get back with him, and ignore my feelings and be with him just so he’s happy. I literally can’t bear the thought of him being so sad.
    What do I do? 🙁

    #110445
    anita
    Participant

    Dear pinkiepops:

    I understand part of you wants to “ignore (your) feelings and be with him just so he’s happy.”

    But it is not a good plan and not doable. It would have been nice (???) if you could somehow multiply and make another one of you, be two pinkiepopses. One will live your life, taking into account your feelings, living with your self interest in mind and another you can then live for him, divorced from your feelings, there to please him and make him happy.

    But there is only one of you, so you endure the sadness and the guilt and promise yourself to not put him through this again by not getting back together again. Make it clear to him that this is the end of the relationship with no possibility of getting back together. Then stand by your assertion, so he can move on.

    anita

    #110470
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Hey Pinkiepops,

    I actually understand what you mean – i felt the same with my last boyfriend except the screw-ups on my part were indeed a mountain range. We were together for 2.5 years – It was great in the first year, in the first blush of love but over time, our differences became more apparent. I think we needed companionship at the point we met but werent really compatible as lovers – he was much too introverted for my tastes, didnt have enough ambition for his life although he was an excellent human being. He treated me well and I did love him but i wasnt “in love”. Over time, my nonchalant attitude towards getting married in front of my friends despite 2 years into a serious relationship, the bout of cheating on my part on one occasion, the break we took thanks to dwindling interest and my lack of attraction towards him were all signs that I wasn’t actually “in love” with him. I was definitely infatuated with him and the idea of companionship he brought into my life.

    The lesson i learnt from my previous relationship before I met my ex was that “dont stay if you dont feel it for real.”

    This lesson was a hard one to implement. I stayed on for another 6 months towards the end though i didnt have those feelings left for him. I stayed on simply because he was in a rough patch in his life and he needed me – I didnt want to be an asshole and leave. But frankly, hurting him was inevitable. I wish I had been more mature at that point but i get it now…Dont beat yourself up too much, we all make mistakes. I regret that I hurt him like that and should have known better.

    However, dont be with him because he is unhappy without you, be with him because you truly love him and want to belong to him. Otherwise you will hurt him more by not being sincere, it will suffocate you and you will resent him over time.

    When i met my current boyfriend, the relationship with this wonderful person was mostly over. I feel a bit like Summer in the last scenes from 500 days of Summer. The conversation I had with my ex-boyfriend was similar to what Tom had with Summer:

    Tom: “You never wanted to be someone’s girlfriend and now you’re somebody’s wife”
    Summer: Surprised me too.
    Tom: “sighs” I dont I’ll ever understand that.

    then she says: “I just woke up one morning and knew, what i was never sure with you”

    Trust me, everyone gets a happy ending eventually but its better to be honest and let go quickly if it isnt feeling right.

    #110636
    365daysofkindness
    Participant

    Hi Pinkie,

    Although it’s hard, you know when it isn’t working. You just lose that “x-factor” and don’t look at the person the same way.

    It’s incredibly painful, but better you break it off now then continue and do it in the future. When you know it’s not going to work, you just know.

    You are not the one to comfort him in this situation. You need to give him space to heal and recreate his own life.

    I also think if he’s as wonderful as you say, then you need to give him credit for being able to work through this eventually. Time just takes time. Sometimes we hurt people alone the way unintentionally. Love is vulnerability and opening yourself up. Heartbreaks are a universal experiences, and one day you will both just look back on this as part of growing up.

    Best,
    http://www.365daysofkindness.com

    #110842

    Hey BEAUTIFUL! YOU DID THE RIGGT THING HON<3 U desevre to be happy and u matter u got a big heart that you are concerned for him. I promise this experience will help u both grow and he will be OK again he will learn there’s someone else for him just like you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. It’s not selfish or mean and you aren’t a bad person don’t beat yourself up anymore for doing the right thing and doing what u can. The fact that you were with him even when u ddisnt feel gold a bit that’s kind.you legit did all you could now just you gotta keep moving forward and be happy and remember you desver happiness. Keep being kind to him if y’all still talk and I wish u all the best in life.<3 thank u for existing and mega proud of you for trusting your heart . you did your best and you broke yourself free from a thing that didn’t make u happy no more. It’s OK if you aren’t With that perosn anymore. Remmeber all the good times learn from it and keep going MEGA PTOUD OF YOU<3 you are WORTHY OF HAPPJNESS <3

    #111798
    mouse
    Participant

    i know this is a late response, but wow, i relate to this so much..its such a painful thing to go through because this person was lovely and you know it COULD have worked but right now it just can’t. just keep going and reminding yourself of why you did it, some day it will become clear and you will understand you did the right thing. its a shitty shitty feeling but life is about pain and learning to go through it. i feel the same as you, so guilty and just want to contact him but its probably best not to 🙁 hang on in there, pm me if you need to x

    #111835
    Christian Mills
    Participant

    Are we all wandering around in a dream looking for the x factor, the perfect partner? My partner didn’t exactly have the x factor but I could see possibilities and hope but then she threw it all away. I don’t understand, people just don’t seem to try very hard anymore. Sometimes things are dull, that’s just life : (

    #111973
    Cognition
    Participant

    It is said that the only thing more difficult than having your heart broken is to break the heart of someone you care about. On the other hand, if the love is not there anymore, keeping the person around is simply unfair for both of you. I mean, how much fun can it be dating someone who doesn’t love you?

    #112133
    Eliza
    Participant

    @pinkiepops: You story is similar to mine. The tips I can give you from my personal experience:

    1. You are not responsible for his happiness. It’s normal that you care about him, but his happiness is HIS responsibility. If you’re still friends you can help him and give him advice, but he’ll have to do the work.
    2. By setting him free you’re actually letting him with more options to find someone that can make him happy
    3. You deserve to be happy.
    4. It’s painful, but he’ll get over it with time and will probably learn a precious lesson for life.
    5. Life is too short to waste precious time pretending we love someone we actually don’t. We’re lying to them and to ourselves.

    Big hug

    #112207
    TriangleSun
    Participant

    he doesn’t have much in his life apart from me, doesn’t have many friends, still lives at home etc. I feel so rubbish and part of me wants to just ring him and get back with him, and ignore my feelings and be with him just so he’s happy. I literally can’t bear the thought of him being so sad

    He has his family. He has a few friends. And most importantly he has himself. Not a very pleasant thing to say about someone you say you care about. You’re clearly not looking past your own self. Have you done anything to encourage him to move out? Make more friends? These are the things you find out about someone in the first few weeks and you either know it’s not a deal breaker or it is. You accept and help or you don’t and move on.

    #112295
    Arlene
    Participant

    Hi! I need your advice. I was in a long distance relationship, broke up with him 2 months ago because i was unhappy. He is emotionally distant and cold. I tried to understand because of his background— he’s 65 years old, 2x divorced, retired army (been in the military since 18 years old). I am 45, single and no kids…I always tell him about his lack of affection which is totally different when we are on FaceTime. Because he is in Maine and I’m in Manila, our non-working hours are spent on FaceTime. I try to visit him every other month and stay with him for several weeks but he still is distant. So I broke our relationship and was being a brat when I said I want to go back to Manila right there and then. Anyway, he never spoke to me on the trip to the airport and just dropped me off. I was so devastated! so for the last 2 months, I kept texting him to take me back, that I was sorry for being impatient with his promise to change and be sweeter. But he replied that he doesn’t want to take me back and he doesn’t believe in second chances. How can I get him back?

    #112297
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear neng: If you are asking for the advice of the original poster of this thread thread, then this is the right place for you to post your request. If you want my reply/ other members’ replies/ advice, will you start your own thread? Copy your post above, then Click FORUMS, choose a CATEGORY: RELATIONSHIPS, click Relationships, go down the page and paste the above. See you there.
    anita

    #112537
    pinkiepops
    Participant

    Thanks everyone for all your replies.

    I wrote a new post today titled ‘so confused’

    #112700
    Serena
    Participant

    Dear pinkiepops,

    We’ve all been here. I myself wrote a very similar post not so long ago. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years and compared to my experience with past relationships, he was the best one. All around, he’s a great guy, and that’s outside of me. When problems would arise between us, as they often still do (complicated,) I would think to myself “Is it me? Are my expectations too high? Am I just not being more understanding?” I’m an adventurous soul, I too, rarely say no when given an opportunity for excitement. However, my boyfriend is not like that and yes it has caused some small arguments throughout the relationship. Just recently in fact, I decided to take a break from my boyfriend in order to refocus on myself. I was feeling unappreciated and starting to think that he just thought I would be here for him for forever. It was hard, I love him and to see him hurting like that really did just make me want to throw in the towel and take him back, but I couldn’t and you can’t. Sometimes we get so caught up in this epic idea of love and the lust of a new relationship that we forget about everything else and that is completely okay. I’m here to assure you that if you’re already feeling that after a couple of months.. that’s not a feeling that’s going to go away. For me personally, my issue was that I wasn’t communicating with my boyfriend enough when I was feeling unappreciated or disappointed. If you feel communication is the issue between you two then it is possibly something that can be worked on. But I’ve had that “my heart’s not in it feeling” and if that’s what it is for you, then as hard as it may be, you can’t change that. We’re human. We’re here to learn from each other. I agree with Nina, you can’t fight what you feel. You can’t just settle and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you harsh. It doesn’t mean bad karma is going to come your way. The best thing you can do for someone is be truthful. It’s selfish to hold on if your heart’s not there and you’ll end up truly hurting the both of you. I’ve experienced this. Maybe not in the same way. He may be a great guy, but he just may not be that great guy for you. It’s hard. I’ve been here. But your happiness comes first and believe me, you’ll know when you’ve met the one that has your heart in it.

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