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First Love, First Heartbreak

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  • #82738
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    It’s been a little over 8 months since my last break-up, but I’ve been doing well.

    I was just wondering… To any of you whose first love didn’t work out, how long were you guys together for? How did you cope? Do you still think about him/her after all these months or years, and still feel sadness?

    I’m just curious. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for almost 4 years. I was greatly heartbroken when our relationship ended, but I handled myself pretty well after that, I would say. Whenever I think about him, I still feel sad and there would be times when I would cry, but other than that, I don’t feel the extreme hurt anymore. I feel that even after many months and years, whenever I would look back to my old relationship, I would always feel sadness, but not in the way that it would ground me to the past. I’m feeling much better now though, I’m just very curious as to your guys’ experiences. 🙂

    #82739
    Perry
    Participant

    Not well. It’s been 4 months. It also happened right around the time I got fired from a job, so suffice to say it was the worst timing ever. I’m not really sure I’ve coped with it, because I feel really really depressed. Hopefully thing get easier in the future.

    #83474
    Melissa
    Participant

    It’s been 3 and a half months and yep, same here, not well. But there is unfinished business I suppose, it holds me back. I’m glad you got through it, it makes me feel hopeful.

    #87057
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @Perry — My break-up happened literally in the beginning of this year, January 1st, so that was sort of a bad timing too (What a great way to start the year!). Trust me, it does get better, as long as you choose to keep moving forward. One day you’ll wake up and your ex-person won’t be the first thing on your mind, as well as when you go to bed that your ex-person won’t be the last thought. I hope that you’re doing much better now though. Keep your head up and just focus on yourself. 🙂


    @Melissa
    — Around the three-and-a-half month mark for me, I was still miserable. At a more recent period now, I still think about him and get sad, sometimes shed some tears, but content that we’ve both relieved ourselves from a relationship that wasn’t working out. Healing from a heartbreak or from anyone/anything really is not a linear process; sometimes when you’re doing well, the next day you’ll fall back five steps behind. That’s completely okay. When you go forward once again, it’d be twice or maybe three times as much steps as when you fell back behind. You will get through it. 🙂

    #87201
    Este
    Participant

    Hello infralugel!

    I was in a relationship from 2012 to 2014 with a man whom I got engaged to. We were supposed to get married in 2014 but I called off the wedding 3 weeks prior because his mother was basically interfering and wanting to take control of the entire event. I did not want to break up but eventually, he did. He could not stand up for us to tell his mom what he wants and eventually, even supporting his mother’s act. It was utter shame, disappointment, heartbroken and (fill in any negative emotions here.) So, we parted ways.

    It was not easy because I did love him. But sometimes in life, things may look so horridly terrible. But we just have to take the leap of faith and trust ourselves with the decision made.

    And, I was so glad that he is not my husband. I met a wonderful man 3 months after what happened. So a breakup isn’t all that bad. we usually find so much hurt and pain because our mind keeps replaying the memories and our heart keeps feeling how we felt then. The breakup taught me so many things. It taught me to love myself. Be kind to myself and trust myself. Sometimes, things does not work out, it doesn’t mean the end – but only better things are coming your way. 🙂

    So, take this time to explore and learn more about yourself. Date yourself. Love yourself. 😀

    Om.

    #88050
    Kate
    Participant

    Hey Infralugel!
    I split up with my boyfriend of 4 years about 14 months ago. I can promise the pain decreases slowly everyday. But in regards to your question whether I look back and feel sadness, I would say yes. Not sadness because I long for him back. But sadness that we are no longer those people anymore. In my head, I know the people we are now could never be together, and it makes me sad that those feelings and experiences can never be recreated, even if we both wanted to. With this feeling also comes a relief. It is beyond my control. There isn’t anything I can possibly do to reconnect, once I had realised this I stopped emotionally exhausting myself trying to work it out or trying to come up with a way to win him back. Accepting the past cannot be changed, and as devastating as it is, it’s a huge lesson to learn. You are a different person now, this experience has changed you. The new you deserves to be happy and looking at the past will not allow you to find someone who deserves your love.

    Kate x

    #88544
    robert scholtz
    Participant

    33 years ago I was engaged to marry the most beautiful woman. 4years we spent together. one day out of nowhere she said she was going to visit her grandmother for a couple weeks. 3months later after regular phone calls to her (she never called me) her grandmother answered the phone and called me by another name. that’s when we broke up. 2 years later she called me on the said she had moved back and wanted to reestablish our relationship she had a 1 year old child from the previous relationship. She persisted until I told her I had moved on and had no wish to be her friend or see her face to face and relive the pain again. I never really gave her much thought after that. I have been married to the same woman for 30 years we own a business together and are with each other 20+ hrs a day and love each other deeply. a couple weeks ago my brother brought her up and all of the hurt the physical pain and the regrets came back very intensely. I researched her history and found she had been married 3 times and had 2 other relationships on top of that and even knowing this I still was unable to release the pain. Day and night I struggled with wanting to contact her and tell her how she broke my heart and try to make her feel the pain I felt which thankfully I didn’t do. i found the more i focus on why i refused to accept her back in my life and how happy i am with my life now and what a disaster my life could have been, the more the pain passes away I truly believe i couldn’t have changed her she will always be looking for a reason to leave. remember first love has a permanent place in your subconscious when that pain resurfaces focus on your goals and the present please dont let the pain control you

    #88551
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sweetrob:

    Thank you for sharing this. The pain of first-love-betrayed is enormous. That first connection broken… probably the woman who broke your heart, probably her first love was betrayed as well, if it was not a man, it could have been her love for her mother or father, that trust and love for the then most important person in her life, that trust was broken. Not anything you could have done anything about all those years ago, or now.

    That betrayed love, early on, no one can heal but the injured person herself through great will and perseverance. Most people do not go that way, and not seeing how they were betrayed, not seeing it thoroughly enough- they keep hurting others.

    You probably would have been a victim in her life, your love never been enough to make up for the early love-betrayed in her life. And so life goes on, you escaped THAT and she… well, most likely will never know any better.

    Sad, isn’t it..? Nothing you could have done or can ever do…

    anita

    #88609
    robert scholtz
    Participant

    Thank you Anita that brings clarity to situations I experienced when I was with her and helps
    on my journey back to healing. rob

    #88614
    Courtney
    Participant

    Good topic. My longest relationship lasted five years and the man I was with proposed to me. He ended up calling off our wedding and leaving. He metaphorically dropped a nuclear bomb on everything we created together. After all is said and done and I do still think about him often. A lot of my feelings toward him feel sad. I only miss the good times. I wouldn’t get back together with him though because our relationship wasn’t a healthy one. We weren’t what each other needed.

    #88630
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, sweetrob. Courtney: what an interesting statement: “He metaphorically dropped a nuclear bomb on everything we created together.” I wonder what it is that each of you needed and wasn’t. And what you learned from that relationship.

    anita

    #88650
    Courtney
    Participant

    Anita, I believe he wanted to be with someone who was more independent. During a large part of our relationship I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease and a lot of stress fell on him (wedding planning, medical bills, walking our dog when I couldn’t, cooking when I couldn’t, etc…). He was unhappy and chose to walk away.

    What I needed from him was a deeper level of commitment, understanding, and patience (patience because fully resolving Lyme takes time).

    #88672
    anita
    Participant

    So you are saying, Courtney, that the ending of your five years relationship fell victim to Lyme Disease. Is that all it was?
    anita

    #88676
    Courtney
    Participant

    Anita, I also could have been more independent (even despite having an illness). There was a point where I was co-dependent and I feel I’m becoming less and less so as time goes on. I’m more aware of not being co-dependent and so reliant on another person for everything. Now that I’ve been single for quite awhile I’m doing A LOT more things alone, despite having Lyme Disease (grocery shopping, running errands, cooking, etc…). It’s not always easy and sometimes I literally do have to ask for help. But I’m trying.

    #88681
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Courtney:

    These are two different things: having the misfortune of getting Lyme Disease (nasty ticks!) and being “co dependent”. These are not the same. Most women and men who are co-dependent are not physically sick. i will go to the other thread and see if you answered there. I will write to you there.
    anita

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