Forum Replies Created
May 3, 2016 at 2:21 pm #103484
When you say ‘when things happened’ do you mean the day we broke up? Sometimes it’s scary to go back to that moment. It’s emotionally very challenging and although I have thought of it everyday since (which is now almost a year) it feels kind of safe to keep it in my brain. I feel that when I write it down, it becomes ‘real’ and can torment me more… But if that’s what you mean then I can try. Is it?
I like the sound of that idea but whenever I see or hear anything to do with that place it actually makes me stomach turn. I just want to vomit and cry and scream at the same time. I feel my mood rage, I want to find him and punch and scream at him. I know that is not the right way and he would be so insensitive back to me. It’s so hard right now. My mother says, ‘but I’ve been there, I went before him, think about me being there and your grandad being there, that we also walked around. Then try to imagine all the other tourists walking around. Some have gone under nice intentions and other have gone under bad intentions’. So I try to dissociate it like that- at this point though, actual images just haunt me and make me feel ill. I hope one day I am strong enough to do as you say and shake the associationsMay 2, 2016 at 7:10 am #103362
But I don’t know how to process it. I have tried to sit with it, I have tried to acknowledge it. I have let myself feel everything and have tried not beat myself up for it. I have equally tried not to wallow. How long does it take to completely get processed, I don’t want to sit with it for years until it begins to lighten.May 2, 2016 at 1:44 am #103351
Thanks for the advice, I struggle and it’s been almost year. Sometimes it feels like a trickling pain, little things happen all through the year to remind me of our connection. But he is gone and not the same person at all. He isn’t going to come back or apologise for hurting me. I have to let it go.January 21, 2016 at 5:44 pm #93257
I can’t see you ever got an answer to this. Reading what you’ve said, no I don’t think you have let him down. You took the right (albeit harder) option for the long run rather than the easy one (accepting your violent brother back into your life so everyone was happy with your decision). That must have been hard, especially with your mum, sister cutting you off and now your son missing his extended family. It was a tough decision, but you also matter too. I don’t think you made then wrong decision.January 16, 2016 at 2:16 pm #92707
Hi Anita, your message did lift my spirits. Part of me really probably does want him to suffer.. or at least reflect. He used to love this film, he loved it because there was a part where everything was in turmoil and the actor would turn to the screen and go ‘and so it goes’. That’s how I think he want to live his life. The event happens, you pause to take it in/momentarily reflect (perhaps his version was writing in that diary I found all those months ago if you remember) and then you move past it and never look back. I think you are right about the drug induced high though, I would feel elation I think. But I can’t help wanting it to happen, not just for causing me pain but because he has actually reflected on the type of human he is and wishes to become better. I won’t entertain that thought for much longer.
Hi TriangleSun, yes I do not think contacting him is wise anymore. As Anita said, he is closed. But I’m not sure he will cheat again. The person he cheated on me with, lets call them Z, works with him. Z is his assistant so they are likely together every single working day 9-5 and I imagine they see each other on weekends. So I’m not sure how he would cheat! They only place to flirt is at work and Z is there watching. There is a second reason and I only found this out at Christmas. Just to give a quick back story, my ex’s email account was still logged into my computer when we broke up and that’s how I found out he cheated. I swapped laptops with my mum and asked her to close it and not tell me when she did it. But she was curious before she closed and found something. Him and Z worked together to mess up someone’s career path. A year ago another person “L” wanted to get a promotion, he was older than my ex and initially wanted a promotion my ex wanted. My ex got it because he was good friends with his boss. So then a year later L wanted to try and get the next promotion. By this point my ex had cheated. There was an email to his boss, this isn’t word for word ‘I’m so glad you got to the top, I see myself as your second in command, your Lieutenant… Many people in this company ‘name’, ‘name’, ‘name’ say that “L” is showing animosity toward them. He doesn’t respect me. Z is working amazingly well and completely agrees with me, that his attitude is rude and unprofessional. This promotion is coming up now and he thinks he must only impress you. Of course I don’t want him fired but I think you should tell him that the decision of him getting this promotion is between Me and You.
My mum only told me at Christmas when I was going to message him a long heartfelt message. She said don’t, this is how poisonous he has become. He is not going to care so just write something short to get your truth out but don’t waste your time and tears.
The last line still haunts me a little. In the end L never did get the promotion. Z did. I think my ex just wanted to force someone to respect him that never really did from the start (I had met L). Z gives him big ego boosts, they act like a team and I think he loves feeling high and mighty. I strangely imagine them getting married one day- my mind does that to protect me I think. It is trying to adjust me to the worse possible outcome so that if it does happen then doesn’t hurt me because I’ve sort of already accepted that would happen. Him reaching out to ask for forgiveness seems very far away, karma has a lot of work to do in the mean timeJanuary 16, 2016 at 10:43 am #92675
Thanks Anita, yes I know what you mean. That’s how I feel, anything I say or write will just be quickly scrunched up, thrown away, put into the back corners of his mind. He will never face up. The saddest thing is is I think if he actually sincerely apologised this could, to an extent, be mended. The cracks would still show but it would show some sort of respect to our memory. In my mind I think ‘why do you want to remember your first love so tragically? You only live life once, surely just try and make amends’ that’s what I would do. But it’s like none of that matters, for him, he can deal with what he’s done just as long as his current life is going okay which I imagine it is. The past doesn’t matter if the present is going great. Perhaps if it went really badly e.g he got cheated on, I would hear from him but that’s a hypothetical situation, I’m trying to convey his character.
I’m learning that life isn’t fair but I’m also still pretty young that I still sort of believe in magic. I don’t mean Harry Potter. More the whole ‘expect the unexpected!’ Where something somehow will just happen, that sort of thing used to happen for me. Unexpected events that left me feeling astound, wonderment. Even from him. When we first started getting to know each other over 3 years ago, he said goodbye, that it wouldn’t work. Over a month later I heard back, he changed his mind. But this is when I didn’t really know him so I didn’t really care. It was a pleasant surprise to see he’d contacted me again but I wasn’t overjoyed with relief or anything. Now, I keep thinking he will have a moment where he just realises to put this right. But he’s a different person now. It’s hard to accept. How can someone be so different. Or was nothing going great in his life back then that he turned to me?
To answer your question, I don’t know how you live life when it is being unfair in this way- not in this particular way. How does someone make peace with something that is so clearly wrong? Does it fade in time? If you know, please share. Forgive me if I sound bratty, I don’t mean too. For the first time I’m feeling very very young and naive.January 16, 2016 at 10:08 am #92671
Thanks for the advice Inky but I don’t know if I want to contact him again. I think he just thinks I’m just a child, it never used to be like that (I’m 21 and he’s now 24). He used to care and actually admire me a little, I don’t mean that in an arrogant way but he liked that I was into science because he never understood it. He would tell his friends, she’s so smart! He would tell himself ‘she’s a fine girl!’ Now I’m meant to be a dead person. I don’t want to keep contacting him again to make myself look even more pathetic. I just imagine him sitting there, ‘oh she must still want me’, smirking and scoffing. I more than ever just want to forget this person. He will never ever know or understand how much pain he put me through and I hate that.
I wish I could convey his personality. Arrogance is a great word but there’s spitefulness too. I wish people like this ceased to exist. They ruin the world. Sorry for such a dramatic message, I’ve had a hard day.December 30, 2015 at 12:21 pm #90929
Thanks to everyone for their posts, they were all really lovely and comforting to read.
Mermaid, it’s very encouraging to have someone tell me to loosen the reigns. I never feel like I can but you have given me the gift of your hindsight and I take it on board completely. What you say reminds me of the word ‘Liberosis’. Anita, I wasn’t sure what song you meant! But yes you are right, I think the best way is to realise what I like, Me as an individual, not things that make me look interesting to other people. I’d forgotten those things but they are coming back to me. It’s nice and makes me feel like my own person, whole. I’d like to have known what that poem was about 🙂 TriangleSun, thank you, short and sweet and probably what I needed to hear! I hope your own life is going okay.
Yesterday, I finally messaged my ex boyfriend. It has been 7 months. My hands were shaking. I wrote 3000 words and condensed it into 3 sentences, the last one being ‘I forgive you’. I’m not completely sure how forgiveness feels yet, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to have this wondrous emotion wash over me and feel free. I don’t think so. But I felt comfortable to write it down so maybe that’s the first step. Now I don’t feel the sense of waiting for time to pass to do something, that’s a frustrating feeling. I have felt restless for so many months over contacting that person. Now I feel a small sense of achievement for seeing it through. That is why I reply now, everything you’ve all written comes alive to me now.October 15, 2015 at 1:29 am #85442
I think talking to him right now would hinder me in terms of staying focused on my studies (it’s a pressurising environment) but at the same time, the knowledge I have about what he did eats away at me. This is my dilemma, I can’t do one without effecting the other. Right now I can handle the obsessive thoughts, they are the lesser evil but I just want a way to tackle them. I’ve had this problem for a very long time, it happens with other things and I think combatting them could help many aspects of my life. That’s what I’m struggling with now. But when I feel the time is more appropriate and more importantly, when I feel more relaxed (holidays) I will confront him.October 14, 2015 at 2:41 am #85391
Thank you everyone for your very sincere reply, it has been a pleasure to read them all.
Thank you for making me feel less alone in my mental state. It is quite challenging to achieve this distance from thoughts and emotions, they attack most strongly right before I go to sleep or when I wake up. I am going to actively listen to a meditation tape in those periods. Sometimes it is tempting and easier to just wallow is self pity, I used to love meditation and it’s strange that I now have to apply a bit of force to do it. As for another relationship, I already have! I have very warm feelings for them and I did not go in search of them. They live far and I think that is a good thing right now, the pace is slow and it does allow me to process my thoughts but I don’t enjoy the combination of emotions, I wish to strengthen the affection I have for them and weaken the obsessive thoughts. Slowly I will get there.
Your response was great! It filled me with confidence and made me feel strong. I do like to see it as good riddance sometimes but that attitude eventually fades and I remember what we were, a swirl of affection and pain. It is important to remind myself and be reminded that he is not that person anymore and I can’t hang on to that memory. I do deserve better, for a time I thought he was the best out there but his actions disprove that.
You answer with a little bit more understanding to my issue and of course you pick up on something that is less clear on the surface, ‘what scares you so much about talking to him?’ My mother said the exact same thing. Yes, I think I am scared, the reason being my work. These obsessive thoughts feel like a small fire right now (you could even liken it to an addiction), communicating with him would be adding fuel, the fire would grow and destroy anything I’m trying to cultivate – that primarily being my Masters. I do a scientific degree and it is very intense, I worked hard to get here and I am petrified that if I saw him right now, it would cause me to loose all focus. I am waiting until early December, when we break for the holidays. Right now, my main focus is to get through this first semester and find a healthy way to manage these obsessive thoughts.
I am sorry for your experiences with OCD, I understand it can be debilitating. I take a few psychiatric modules, I know a lot about SSRI’s and they are not something I want to resort to but I am desperate to stay focused.
Your response was beautiful. I feel that due to my age and life experiences, your view is incredibly wise but beyond me at this point, to have that level-headedness and balance is not something I have quite mastered yet but I wish to grow into a person with your attitude. I will re-read your response and learn from it – I like the abstract manner you present life, it makes it easier to not take hurtful actions personally. I try not too, but it’s the lack of respect his actions scream that haunts me. Hopefully I’ll get beyond that soon.September 23, 2015 at 4:14 am #83908
Thank you for your comment. I have been asking myself the same question for awhile but in the last few days I’ve started to a feel a more refined sense of clarity. Perhaps because I have become settled on my decision to contact him but not out of anger, thus allowing me to cultivate a sense of peace in myself and heal- but more than that, it has also allowed me to start opening up to discovering more about James- understanding his character, learning all his individualistic qualities and not comparing them but just accepting them and then liking them.
I don’t know why my ex did what he did- I have made up a million reasons. It did appear that he was unsure (hence the making plans amongst other things) and definitely not intending to do what he did until the moment he did it. His temperament was that of someone that would make snap decisions, and unlike me, he did not practise self control well but equally, clear from his dairy, he was not someone that cheats. It’s hard to explain, but it also seemed as if he always had this internal running commentary on his life. He loved books and wanted to write short stories for a time, he was good at writing. Sometimes I think he viewed his own life as a story- and he wanted it to have all the elements of a good story for when he looks back on it- I’m not sure if that completely makes sense without you knowing him.
Yesterday my best friend and her boyfriend broke up after 2 years. I was there comforting her but I saw so much of myself in her in those moments and in dawned on me just how far I had come. I told her she would get there too. I have not moved on, and the next few months will definitely be interesting – no doubt I will probably give an update but for now I am going in the right direction.. I think.September 23, 2015 at 3:44 am #83907
Hi Kate, I’m not really sure I can offer you much advise but what I can say is that I am in exactly the same position. In fact you were much more sensible than me, you gave your self some space to breath and met someone 7 months later, I met someone in 1 month and it’s now only been 4 months since me and my ex split (we were together for 3 years). But I know what you mean, this new person is lovely, many things that my ex started to loose during the time we were together. But it’s not the same. It doesn’t quite hold the same excitement. That rush.
I think Anita is right in the sense that you should not compare. I long for that bubbling exciting love again but I have to be open to the fact that this could blossom into a new different but equally beautiful love. I still hold on to this strange hope that me and my ex will meet again, in some freak coincidence and cosmos will correct everything but I’m starting to learn that’s not the right attitude. I also understand the impatient frustration of just wanting to let it go, being tired of him entering your head everyday and more than anything just wanting to be able to freely think of this new person in a loving romantic way without having those persistent thoughts loom over you. All we can do, like many have advised, is give it time… I hope you find some comfort in knowing that there are people just like you, trying to figure out the same things.September 16, 2015 at 3:26 pm #83474
It’s been 3 and a half months and yep, same here, not well. But there is unfinished business I suppose, it holds me back. I’m glad you got through it, it makes me feel hopeful.September 16, 2015 at 3:09 pm #83473
Thank you for your comment. After reading your comment I felt immediate sadness followed by anger but this allowed me to examine these feelings and I am very aware that right now, anger does rule at this stage. However as the time has gone by, I do find that I am growing more curious to understand why he did this and I hope that in the next few months, my curiosity will be the overriding factor to contact him.
But please, I do not want to question the cheating. Understand that I did not immediately think that he had done that, I actually thought better of him, that he had broken up with me and then pursued someone else. It was only when it was spelled out to me in his detailed diary that I realised that on that Friday night, while I was shopping late in a supermarket buying things to make us lunches for our trip, with him in my heart, texting him that I was getting product XYZ because I knew he liked it, he was in bed with another person. Then allowed me to think the trip would go ahead another time. And when he had the opportunity to tell me the truth four days later, he chose cowardice and lied.September 16, 2015 at 10:36 am #83452
I have to completely disagree here. We were planning a trip for the weekend, Friday morning we were talking about it happily, Friday evening I did not hear from him. That Friday night, he slept with the intern. On the Saturday he said that he had food poisoning and that we should arrange the trip for when he felt better.
Your comment has greatly saddened me. If this was a change of course, then he should have sat down with this girl and discussed being together, not had sex with her and led me to believe that we would still have our weekend plans later. If this was a change of course, he should have addressed this with me, explained that he has feelings for someone else when I asked him directly, which I did, rather than lie to me, which he did. This to me is cheating, clear cut- it doesn’t matter if it happened for months or a day.
I understand that my posts bring new information but a lot happened and I did not want to write a book in my original post.