3 and a half months and still not coping. Please help.

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This topic has 13 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 15, 2015 at 8:34 am #83376

Melissa
Participant

Hi,

I have posted on here once before explaining my situation but in short I was in a relationship for almost 3 years with someone, first love, met when I was 18, he was 21, beautiful beginning- it was amazing. He broke up with me 3 and half months ago. I am now 21 (he is 23) and I found out that he had cheated on me four days earlier with the intern at his job and then broke up with me. From there he proceeded to take her to my favourite bar (very romantic) 6 days later and two weeks later booked tickets to take her to Venice in 10 days time. How I know this? I got back from holiday to find out I was still logged into his emails and yes I should have logged out but I’m human and wanted to understand why this had happened. On the day we broke up I asked him if there was someone else and he firmly said No.

So here I am 3 and half months later crying in a new apartment. I feel absolutely pathetic and he has no idea that I found out he cheated. From the time it happened, I met someone else (a month later actually), he is lovely and I really like him but there are several things that are bothering me about the entire situation. 1) He doesn’t live in the same city as me (I live in London and he lives by the coast), with my ex we were starting to plan moving in together as he moved to London after 1 years of long distance, now I feel I’ve moved backwards to a long distance thing again. 2) it still kills me that he has no idea I know he cheated, it still kills me that I found drafts on his email about him wondering if she just wanted to have an affair (she was also in a long term relationship too, how nice!) or had feelings for him. It’s like I never mattered 3) Probably the saddest thing is that I’m scared he will introduce her to his family with a lie. I was so close t his family and sister and they know nothing either.

One final thing, a month after we broke up, he uploaded his diary onto his emails. It’s a 7 year old diary so it talks about how he feel in love with me but the final entry was how he wanted to be with her (he did write he missed me but the timing was right). He got very sexual about her. I have him on twitter and he looks as happy as can be.

I went to Paris a couple of weeks ago spontaneously, I needed to get out of London and on the way back I finally plucked up the courage to message his sister. She was so lovely, I explained that I missed her but wasn’t ready to see her but she was so supportive and very up to meet for coffee when I’m ready. My thoughts right now; I want to tell his sister. Just to explain that we ended because he cheated, I don’t want to go into specifics. Right now I feel like he thinks ‘yes, I got away with it! No one knows! No consequences for me!’. He used to say he had ‘pronoia’, meaning the opposite of paranoia, ‘the world is conspiring to help me’. This is disgusts me now. After I tell his sister, I would ask she not mention it because one day would like to tell him myself.

Many many people have said the whole ‘what would you achieve by telling him, let it go’. But my own mother has said, this is eating you up inside.. Maybe you need to tell him. I don’t know.. I feel like I’m missing things because I have written this in such a rush. All I want is to move on and forward. I am in my final year of university and I am just beginning to look for jobs, something I used to be so proactive about, but now my mind wonders, I feel so unfocused. I want to wonder and smile about the things I do with James because he is so sweet but I still feel so much pain, why am I still crying like this? I also know that I probably moved to quickly with James (I have told him what happened) but he makes me so happy- and at the time I just did whatever made me happy and I have been very honest that I want to take things slow because I don’t want either of us to get hurt.

Thank you to who ever reads this. This website makes me feel so safe. I am 21, not much life experience and this is I think the hardest thing I have had to deal with to date.

September 15, 2015 at 9:41 am #83379

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Melissa:

It would be so unfair to his sister to tell her anything about problems with your past relationship with her brother and on top of it to ask her not to talk with him about it. It will put such burden on her and it is just not right. You wrote she is lovely, well don’t make life more difficult for a lovely person than it has to be. If you meet her for coffee, I hope you talk about things other than the past relationship with her brother.

I do think you should talk with your ex boyfriend, the one who is relevant to your unfinished business and do let him know you found out about his involvement with his current girlfriend before he separated from you. You can just let him know, you can ask him for any information he may honestly provide for you. Definitely unfinished business with him puts a dark cloud over your present life and current relationship with James.

anita

September 15, 2015 at 5:22 pm #83404

Lori
Participant

Hi Melissa,

I understand how hard this is for you and how much pain you’re in. I agree with anita. I don’t think you should tell his sister. I have 3 brothers and enjoyed developing close friendships with their girlfriends, and even maintained some of those friendships after the breakups. But if an ex-girlfriend had taken me aside to tell me my brother had cheated on her, I probably would not have wanted to maintain contact with her. I love my brothers and it would hurt me to hear that news.

I go back and forth on this: I’m not sure you should even tell your ex-boyfriend that you know he cheated. Before doing anything, be clear on your intention. Is it to make yourself feel better or to make your ex feel worse? What if telling him doesn’t provide you with the peace of mind you think it will and ultimately makes a bigger mess. Maybe you should take the high road and leave it alone, as hard as it is. What’s done is done. I know you are hurt and angry that he got away with cheating, but eventually you will be ok. I know you will.

September 16, 2015 at 2:38 am #83430
Matic
Participant
Hi Melissa.

I went through a similar situation but I wont get into it because the details are not relevant. Just wanted to tell you this so you know my advice is first hand.

Firstly, dont tell his sister. Talking should happen beetwen you and your ex if any talking happens at all.

When I found out my ex cheated on me, I was devestated. I wasnt really considering her feelings as Lori suggests when I confronted her on it. I dont think you should focus on his feeling all that much. He clearly was not very worried about yours so why should you give him a free pass. As I write this, my previous sentences read suspiciusly like revenge but it is definetely not about that. What I want to say is you should first and foremost consider your own feelings and only then the feelings of others in situations when your own sanity is in jeopardy.

So my opinion is you should confront him. You should keep in mind that there are many scenarios that are possible when this happens. There are favourable ones which leave you instantly with peace of mind and there are scenarios where he is cold and distant and that might hurt you even more. If you want to confront him you should be prepared to face all these scenarios meaning that you have to be prepared to relieve the intense feelings of your break up and realize that whatever his reaction is you will have closure.

What I am very elaboratelly trying to say and failing at it is that you have to realize you have two options.

1. Not confronting him and be prepared to possibly live with these feelings for a long time and possibly harm future relationships with you wounds from this relationship
2. Confront him, get to know the truth behind why he did this, and learn to trully understand his feelings. This might be really painful in short term but I am sure it will give you peace of mind in the long haul.

I can give you how this went down with my ex and maybe you will better understand what I am aiming at.
We have decided that we need a week to sort things out and to try to figure out what we want. After about a day she texted me we were over. While I was also leaning in that direction this swept me off my feet. My thinking was: “How can she throw away 4 years in just 1 day!” I knew something fishy was up so when I saw her when we exchanged some stuff I asked her how could she decide so quickly. She told me that she kissed a friend who I knew that she had a thing for when we were together but she never admited it. So we had a conversation about it. It was very calm and understanding and the point was: The relationship with me was not for good her and she just needed that little push which materialized as that kiss. I am not kidding, when I say I completely understood what she was saying and I was at peace.

Sure, my story is my story and you might not have peace of mind right away, but I can promise you that if what he says is the honest to God truth and you really try to understand his thinking I am a 100% sure that it will eventually give you a truer peace of mind then I if you just try to let it go just by yourself.

I hope I made some sense. English is not my first language and my thoughts are annoyingly incoherent in my native language. 🙂

I wish you only the best!
Matic
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Matic.
September 16, 2015 at 3:11 am #83433

Melissa
Participant

Thank you Anita and Lori for your responses. I value them both. My thoughts on telling his sister go up and down. I think it might help to understand more context, his sister is a very strong lady, she’s 10years older, and often wonders what her brother is becoming but is also very very aware that her and her brother live very separate lives.

She says that I will pull through and that everything will be fine but it’s hard to listen to her comforts when she has no idea what happened. If I told her, I think yes, it would be difficult for her to hear but I also think it may be good to be aware of the direction her brother is going as she does try to look out for him. He is not someone that has cheated before and that is evident from the diary. I also think her insight and advice may help me find some peace, I don’t plan on telling her specifics, that I think is unfair, but simply that it ended because of cheating. Just as I would have wanted to tell her ‘it ended because he wanted to live somewhere else or he thought we were moving too quickly’ etc. I think she would respect that I should talk about this with him, that’s also something I would want to discuss with her.

I will sit tight for a couple more months to really think about this, having read your comments I am in conflict and hopefully I will have a different mind set.

In a strange way I still care about him, I would one day hope that he finds a relationship in a wholesome healthy way and not through deceit lies and cheating but that won’t be my concern anymore.

As for telling him, I think that is eventually something I will have to do. You grow from the consequences of your actions and so far he hasn’t faced any- he needs to understand that what he did is not fair or right. I can’t harbour all the pain of this while he thinks he did the right thing because I believed his lie. I have had to pick up the peices for me and mother who is ill with a long-term condition and I am still struggling.

September 16, 2015 at 3:21 am #83434

Melissa
Participant

And thank you Matic! I didn’t see your message until after I wrote mine!

Thanks for sharing your story, it was helpful. I think you were very articulate actually, and I do think you are right that if I don’t say anything to him, this will loom over me. Again I will sit tight about his sister because my thoughts are a little turbulent. I address her as his Sister but she is also my friend, and I have confided in many friends and found that it has really helped- perhaps this is why I’m in this dilemma. Her advice was always really good and honest in the past which is why I’m also drawn to telling her.

September 16, 2015 at 4:12 am #83435

Matic
Participant

In light of your recent post I would like to add this. I think that when you confront him about this, you can also tell her sister. The problem would be if you told her but not him. This would shift all of the weight you carry on your shoulders to her shoulders which would be unfair.

So I give you my blessing! 😀

I hope everything works out for the best!

Matic

September 16, 2015 at 9:53 am #83451

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Melissa:

In your original post on this thread you wrote: “he had cheated on me four days earlier with the intern at his job and then broke up with me.” I noticed this before but didn’tn bother to address it: I don’t see his cheating. I know you feel that he cheated on you but I don’t see it. Examine this, if you will: four days is a very short time. He met someone and four days later HE broke up with you. This is not cheating, it is changing course.

Cheating would be if he continued the relationship with you and at the same time carried on one with her. If I get it correctly, if that evening in that bar was his first date with the other woman and four days later he broke up with you, he just changed course.

Four days is just too short of a time to establish one as a cheater. If you tell his sister that he cheated on you, the details will be very important because this may not be cheating at all.

anita

September 16, 2015 at 10:36 am #83452

Melissa
Participant

Hi Anita,

I have to completely disagree here. We were planning a trip for the weekend, Friday morning we were talking about it happily, Friday evening I did not hear from him. That Friday night, he slept with the intern. On the Saturday he said that he had food poisoning and that we should arrange the trip for when he felt better.

Your comment has greatly saddened me. If this was a change of course, then he should have sat down with this girl and discussed being together, not had sex with her and led me to believe that we would still have our weekend plans later. If this was a change of course, he should have addressed this with me, explained that he has feelings for someone else when I asked him directly, which I did, rather than lie to me, which he did. This to me is cheating, clear cut- it doesn’t matter if it happened for months or a day.

I understand that my posts bring new information but a lot happened and I did not want to write a book in my original post.

September 16, 2015 at 11:38 am #83459

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Melissa:

Of course, you have way more information on your experiences and situation than I do. My comment is meant for you to examine a point,or not at all, to accept or reject it or think about it later.

If you decide to examine cheating as in What-is-Cheating and what HAPPENED in this case? Maybe an honest conversation with your ex bf is a good idea … but only if you are calm enough-

Examination will be possible if you are calm enough and not invested in anger at him, taht is if you are more CURIOUS than angry.

anita

September 16, 2015 at 3:09 pm #83473

Melissa
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your comment. After reading your comment I felt immediate sadness followed by anger but this allowed me to examine these feelings and I am very aware that right now, anger does rule at this stage. However as the time has gone by, I do find that I am growing more curious to understand why he did this and I hope that in the next few months, my curiosity will be the overriding factor to contact him.

But please, I do not want to question the cheating. Understand that I did not immediately think that he had done that, I actually thought better of him, that he had broken up with me and then pursued someone else. It was only when it was spelled out to me in his detailed diary that I realised that on that Friday night, while I was shopping late in a supermarket buying things to make us lunches for our trip, with him in my heart, texting him that I was getting product XYZ because I knew he liked it, he was in bed with another person. Then allowed me to think the trip would go ahead another time. And when he had the opportunity to tell me the truth four days later, he chose cowardice and lied.

September 17, 2015 at 9:10 am #83498

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Melissa:

I suppose he did cheat on you that very Firday night and for as long as he was in contact with you, encouraging (or not discouraging) the relationship with you while at the same time being in bed with another woman. I was wrong then and am correcting: he cheated.

Why did he? Why did he not communicate trouble before- if there was trouble in relations with you- and just.. what happened- I hope you do find out once you are calm and curious and I do hope he will then communicate honestly with you. You are likely to learn important things from such potential exhange/s.

anita

September 23, 2015 at 4:14 am #83908

Melissa
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your comment. I have been asking myself the same question for awhile but in the last few days I’ve started to a feel a more refined sense of clarity. Perhaps because I have become settled on my decision to contact him but not out of anger, thus allowing me to cultivate a sense of peace in myself and heal- but more than that, it has also allowed me to start opening up to discovering more about James- understanding his character, learning all his individualistic qualities and not comparing them but just accepting them and then liking them.

I don’t know why my ex did what he did- I have made up a million reasons. It did appear that he was unsure (hence the making plans amongst other things) and definitely not intending to do what he did until the moment he did it. His temperament was that of someone that would make snap decisions, and unlike me, he did not practise self control well but equally, clear from his dairy, he was not someone that cheats. It’s hard to explain, but it also seemed as if he always had this internal running commentary on his life. He loved books and wanted to write short stories for a time, he was good at writing. Sometimes I think he viewed his own life as a story- and he wanted it to have all the elements of a good story for when he looks back on it- I’m not sure if that completely makes sense without you knowing him.

Yesterday my best friend and her boyfriend broke up after 2 years. I was there comforting her but I saw so much of myself in her in those moments and in dawned on me just how far I had come. I told her she would get there too. I have not moved on, and the next few months will definitely be interesting – no doubt I will probably give an update but for now I am going in the right direction.. I think.

September 23, 2015 at 8:30 am #83915

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Melissa:

Reads to me like you are going in the right direction and this is why you are feeling a more refined sense of clarity, as you put it. Settling on your decision to contact your ex not out of anger sounds good to me. Healing and cultivating a sense of peace- yes, yes, yes. And you opening up and discovering more about James. Good stuff.

All this put a distance between how you were (similar to your friend yesterday) and how you are now.

Interesting info about your ex, seeing his life in the context of a short story perhaps. There is a surprise element needed in a short story to keep the reader interested… the writer somehow leading the reader to that surprise event but not spelling it out so it is still a surprise. Wondering.

anita
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