Okay, so probably my 4th post now, reads more like a diary entry! I came on here initially because of a relationship break down 6 months ago. It was absolutely one of the most difficult and hurtful things I’ve had to go through emotionally, we were together for 3 years and it still hurts quite a bit but I am so much better. I am now with someone new, who I did start to see pretty quickly after the break up (a month later!) so I was quite nervous at the start of moving too quickly.

It is now that I am beginning to feel the beginning of Spring inside me, for a lack of a better description. The first green shoots after a really awful few months. Please let me be clear, when I met and was around this new person I was happy, he made me laugh and smile. After years of thinking that my relationship defined me, this new person made me feel independent, he made me feel like me- not just someone’s girlfriend.

The problem lay in the fact that when I was alone it was a different story. In short, I couldn’t be alone. Not properly, not in the way I used to be. I would cry, so much, and circle round and round about what had happen. I’d been cheated on, lied too and discarded for the person they had cheated on me with – he doesn’t even know I found out. I will tell him, for my sake, in due course. I go to university, I was so slow with all my work, my focus was terrible which meant I had to spend more time inside studying, completing coursework, everything took longer meaning I saw less of my friends, less social, less fun. I was spiralling. Eventually I helped myself, I booked an appointment with a councillor. He’s brilliant.

Now it’s getting easier, I can be alone and not cry. I still think about what happened. Everyday. But I can be alone and not cry, that’s an achievement for me. I feel closer than ever to this new person. But what is beginning to materialise is that I feel I’m in limbo, maybe even a little bit lost. Before, when I was in a long term relationship, I felt there was a direction. We did long distance, he moved to my city and then we started talking about living together. Plan-making and direction and two very comforting things. Then it ended abruptly.
This new person doesn’t live in the same city as me again, he does talk about moving closer to me but more vaguely, his attitude is more.. passive. Maybe it’s not though, maybe I’m unconsciously rushing. Maybe I feel the need to get my life ‘back on track’, pick up where I left off, have a clear cut direction again. But then I remember I’m not even 22 yet. I’m someone that loves structure, but right now I feel there’s none- I was so used to having the role ‘girlfriend’ and now there’s a big empty space – how pathetic does that sound! But honestly, I wanted to be the worlds best girlfriend, I put my all into that relationship.

I don’t fully feel like a girlfriend to this new person a) because he hasn’t referred to me as that (neither have I) b) no definitive plans to move closer, just passing comments c) I don’t think we’ve reached that level of closeness just yet but it’s getting there – but perhaps that lack of a defined role is what’s causing me to feel frustrated, but I’m wondering, should I be? I can’t tell if I’m rushing. I don’t know if I should appreciate this weird sense of freedom to not be dubbed as someone’s girlfriend for the first time in over 3 years…

It’s strange new feeling for me. Should I enjoy this limbo? Should I just roll with it and stop feeling this anxiety to follow some expected direction?

(Just a special note to Anita – thanks for the advice about obsessive thinking 2 months ago, it did really help and I never got to say thank you at the time; thank you)