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Update of breakup

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  • January 16, 2016 at 2:15 am #92656
    Melissa
    Participant

    I’ve been posting here all throughout my break up. Tinybuddha has become somewhat of a diary to me, I can express my self freely without judgement and I love that. It’s now been almost 8 months and we were together for 3 years. He cheated, lied and broke up with me and is still with the person he cheated on me with. Found out later about it. It’s getting much easier but I wanted to do an update. This is a copy and paste from my last post:

    “Yesterday, I finally messaged my ex boyfriend. It has been 7 months. My hands were shaking. I wrote 3000 words and condensed it into 3 sentences, the last one being ‘I forgive you’. I’m not completely sure how forgiveness feels yet, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to have this wondrous emotion wash over me and feel free. I don’t think so. But I felt comfortable to write it down so maybe that’s the first step. Now I don’t feel the sense of waiting for time to pass to do something, that’s a frustrating feeling. I have felt restless for so many months over contacting that person. Now I feel a small sense of achievement for seeing it through. That is why I reply now, everything you’ve all written comes alive to me now.”

    Update: he never opened the message. He then deleted the message a week later. I have an email tracker that gives this type of info, purpose is more for work but I wanted to use it on this message. Ths first line of my message was about how I found out he was a liar and cheater. Without sounding a little obsessive, when you receive an email you can usually just about read the first line. To me that was the most important line and I think he would have had to have seen that. That’s the line that matters to me. But he never saw anything else.

    Of course now I analyse. Someone I spoke to once said ‘you get a letter from an ex you’re definitely going to want to open it’. But he didn’t. Why? What would it have cost him? Guilt? He doesn’t know I have a tracking thing, I got it after we broke up for the purpose of job applications (I’m in my final year of uni). I’m still feeling okay though. Strangely I thought I would have crumbled but I’m okay. I think the first line getting through is what matters to me, if that didn’t happen it could have been different. But I wish more than anything I could forget this person.

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Melissa.
    January 16, 2016 at 5:28 am #92659
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Melissa,

    If you really, really want him to read “I found out you were a liar and a cheat. But it’s OK now, I forgive you,” send him a POSTCARD! He will have no choice but to flip it over, see it’s from you and you have the last word with him having to hear it (read it) and have NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. And P.S., if his Mom or GF read it, he will be embarrassed! (AWESOME!!)

    HA!!

    How arrogant of him ~ he lied, he cheated, he left and he won’t even read an email! He doesn’t sound guilty, he frankly sounds arrogant.

    Sometimes when we say “I forgive you” we are giving ourselves a win which the other person won’t even acknowledge. We are communicating that THEY are wrong, that it DID happen, that you NOTICED IT, and that it MATTERED. That YOU matter! AND that you are willing to let it go, in a triumphant way.

    As long as you don’t use “I forgive you” as a weapon, I think he needs to hear it and that IT’S OK!!

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    January 16, 2016 at 9:56 am #92666
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mellisa:

    Thank you for the update! Good to see you back here.

    As to why he didn’t open your email, this is as clear as day to me: he didn’t want to feel badly. Who wants to feel bad? Nobody I know. We all try to avoid feeling badly: hurt, angry, afraid, ashamed… anything that doesn’t feel good or neutral. So him not opening your email means that as he read who the email is from and as he read what he couldn’t help but read, because it was there.. what is certain is that he didn’t feel neutral about it, that he felt something unpleasant.

    That or he had a medical emergency or other emergency then and since, of course. (Just for the sake of possibilities).

    It is most likely and obviously so, that he is not open or willing to attend to the relationship with you, to learning what he needs to learn from it, etc. He is not interested in doing that. It really, in reality then, does not matter what you write to him and what he reads, it just makes no difference. He is closed. All you can do is cause him to feel badly for a moment, at best, nothing else. This is how I view it.

    Please keep posting. The hurt you experience from that relationship, unfortunately, is for you to heal from- he is not going to help you with that. He is not there to help you. It is sad that people who hurt us do not take responsibility for hurting us and do not try to correct it. But this is the world we live in. This is one unfair and unjust … feature of the way life is.

    What do you think? If you agree with my last assertions, how do you live with life being unfair this way?

    anita

    January 16, 2016 at 10:08 am #92671
    Melissa
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice Inky but I don’t know if I want to contact him again. I think he just thinks I’m just a child, it never used to be like that (I’m 21 and he’s now 24). He used to care and actually admire me a little, I don’t mean that in an arrogant way but he liked that I was into science because he never understood it. He would tell his friends, she’s so smart! He would tell himself ‘she’s a fine girl!’ Now I’m meant to be a dead person. I don’t want to keep contacting him again to make myself look even more pathetic. I just imagine him sitting there, ‘oh she must still want me’, smirking and scoffing. I more than ever just want to forget this person. He will never ever know or understand how much pain he put me through and I hate that.

    I wish I could convey his personality. Arrogance is a great word but there’s spitefulness too. I wish people like this ceased to exist. They ruin the world. Sorry for such a dramatic message, I’ve had a hard day.

    January 16, 2016 at 10:43 am #92675
    Melissa
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, yes I know what you mean. That’s how I feel, anything I say or write will just be quickly scrunched up, thrown away, put into the back corners of his mind. He will never face up. The saddest thing is is I think if he actually sincerely apologised this could, to an extent, be mended. The cracks would still show but it would show some sort of respect to our memory. In my mind I think ‘why do you want to remember your first love so tragically? You only live life once, surely just try and make amends’ that’s what I would do. But it’s like none of that matters, for him, he can deal with what he’s done just as long as his current life is going okay which I imagine it is. The past doesn’t matter if the present is going great. Perhaps if it went really badly e.g he got cheated on, I would hear from him but that’s a hypothetical situation, I’m trying to convey his character.

    I’m learning that life isn’t fair but I’m also still pretty young that I still sort of believe in magic. I don’t mean Harry Potter. More the whole ‘expect the unexpected!’ Where something somehow will just happen, that sort of thing used to happen for me. Unexpected events that left me feeling astound, wonderment. Even from him. When we first started getting to know each other over 3 years ago, he said goodbye, that it wouldn’t work. Over a month later I heard back, he changed his mind. But this is when I didn’t really know him so I didn’t really care. It was a pleasant surprise to see he’d contacted me again but I wasn’t overjoyed with relief or anything. Now, I keep thinking he will have a moment where he just realises to put this right. But he’s a different person now. It’s hard to accept. How can someone be so different. Or was nothing going great in his life back then that he turned to me?

    To answer your question, I don’t know how you live life when it is being unfair in this way- not in this particular way. How does someone make peace with something that is so clearly wrong? Does it fade in time? If you know, please share. Forgive me if I sound bratty, I don’t mean too. For the first time I’m feeling very very young and naive.

    January 16, 2016 at 11:07 am #92679
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Melissa:

    You don’t sound bratty to me at all, such thought did not occur to me as I read your post.

    I am older than you but my age, or anyone’s age has nothing to do with wisdom. There is more time in one’s life to experience the “magic” of insight and wisdom, more opportunities due to living longer, but I was not wiser until I started my healing journey, five years now. So my wisdom is five years old.

    I find that when people ignore the past, like your boyfriend does in your descriptions of him, the past will catch up to him again and again. His way does not work. He will succeed in avoiding some pain at this or that moment, continue escaping full awareness of it, but nature of life is the pain he is avoiding will not be silenced. What one resists, persists.

    In a way, it occurred to me now, the part of you that wishes him to suffer for what he did to you is getting its wish. Strange sounding, isn’t it? It LOOKS like he put the past behind and enjoying his present life. Not so. The truth is deeper than appearances.

    Regarding magic, I used the word above. I feel that healing is magical in nature, in our brains. Now, let’s say “magic” happens a second time regarding your ex boyfriend. Like the first time he reaches out to you and at this point, apologizes. This will not be … magic if he learned nothing and only appears to be sorry for causing you pain. It will feel like a drug induced high in your brain but will be followed by disappointment and confusion.

    Magic is in seeing reality for what it is. It is an amazing, and a magical process.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

    January 16, 2016 at 11:39 am #92691
    TriangleSun
    Participant

    I think there are many valid reasons to contact someone from your past. But I think it should be avoided in situations where that person mistreated you as in your case. This is the type of situation where you learn to forgive. Everyone goes through something like this but on different levels of severity. There is no need to tell that person you’ve forgiven them because they likely won’t understand and appreciate it. Believe me, in time it’ll catch up to this guy. Cheaters don’t just become loyal. He’ll probably cheat again and again and at some point it’ll start hurting. And maybe then he’ll reach out and ask for forgiveness. That’s when he’ll understand and appreciate it. Until then just forgive and find peace within yourself and let karma do the rest.

    January 16, 2016 at 2:16 pm #92707
    Melissa
    Participant

    Hi Anita, your message did lift my spirits. Part of me really probably does want him to suffer.. or at least reflect. He used to love this film, he loved it because there was a part where everything was in turmoil and the actor would turn to the screen and go ‘and so it goes’. That’s how I think he want to live his life. The event happens, you pause to take it in/momentarily reflect (perhaps his version was writing in that diary I found all those months ago if you remember) and then you move past it and never look back. I think you are right about the drug induced high though, I would feel elation I think. But I can’t help wanting it to happen, not just for causing me pain but because he has actually reflected on the type of human he is and wishes to become better. I won’t entertain that thought for much longer.

    Hi TriangleSun, yes I do not think contacting him is wise anymore. As Anita said, he is closed. But I’m not sure he will cheat again. The person he cheated on me with, lets call them Z, works with him. Z is his assistant so they are likely together every single working day 9-5 and I imagine they see each other on weekends. So I’m not sure how he would cheat! They only place to flirt is at work and Z is there watching. There is a second reason and I only found this out at Christmas. Just to give a quick back story, my ex’s email account was still logged into my computer when we broke up and that’s how I found out he cheated. I swapped laptops with my mum and asked her to close it and not tell me when she did it. But she was curious before she closed and found something. Him and Z worked together to mess up someone’s career path. A year ago another person “L” wanted to get a promotion, he was older than my ex and initially wanted a promotion my ex wanted. My ex got it because he was good friends with his boss. So then a year later L wanted to try and get the next promotion. By this point my ex had cheated. There was an email to his boss, this isn’t word for word ‘I’m so glad you got to the top, I see myself as your second in command, your Lieutenant… Many people in this company ‘name’, ‘name’, ‘name’ say that “L” is showing animosity toward them. He doesn’t respect me. Z is working amazingly well and completely agrees with me, that his attitude is rude and unprofessional. This promotion is coming up now and he thinks he must only impress you. Of course I don’t want him fired but I think you should tell him that the decision of him getting this promotion is between Me and You.

    My mum only told me at Christmas when I was going to message him a long heartfelt message. She said don’t, this is how poisonous he has become. He is not going to care so just write something short to get your truth out but don’t waste your time and tears.

    The last line still haunts me a little. In the end L never did get the promotion. Z did. I think my ex just wanted to force someone to respect him that never really did from the start (I had met L). Z gives him big ego boosts, they act like a team and I think he loves feeling high and mighty. I strangely imagine them getting married one day- my mind does that to protect me I think. It is trying to adjust me to the worse possible outcome so that if it does happen then doesn’t hurt me because I’ve sort of already accepted that would happen. Him reaching out to ask for forgiveness seems very far away, karma has a lot of work to do in the mean time

    January 16, 2016 at 2:49 pm #92743
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Melissa:

    It is natural to want to hurt back someone who hurt us, seeking justice, or “karma.”

    In the movie Unforgiven with Clint Eastwood, a man cut the face of a prostitute he was with. Clint Eastwood and two other men were hired to kill that man (and two others). One of the three hired killed that man but was feeling really badly for killing a man. To comfort himself he said: “Well, he sure had it coming.” And Clint Eastwood said: “We all have it coming, kid”

    Suffering and death… we all have it coming. Fear and distress… we all have it coming. He will suffer … and so will you.

    And so you are suffering over the hurt he caused you.

    Take care of yourself and try to let go, if you can, of your thoughts about him, he has it coming, like everyone else.

    anita

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