Home→Forums→Relationships→Ex problem..
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September 2, 2014 at 6:42 am #64231WillParticipant
She dumped you? Huh.
On second glance that does change the situation, but my advice stays the same. I think you’re unreasonably jealous/possessive, and I think you should not be with this girl. Her crying over her own sleeping around now strikes me as manipulative. So she can put you down and pick you back up how she likes?
Would I be hurt if somebody dumped me and acted mean? Yes. Would I be hurt if they partied and hooked up with other people? No. My current partner hooks up with other people sometimes. It’s cool, we’re open.
September 2, 2014 at 7:09 am #64234AnonymousInactiveShe dumped me yes for how I acted, and I don’t blame her, but I have changed a lot and continue too, for the rest of my life I hope to grow. I no longer think of her as mine at all.. She is open to do as she pleases with in reason.. For us and me though in a relationship there are no other parties involved, we were and would be committed to each other.
This is new to me and I’m trying to change my core beliefs and agreements I have with myself.
I didn’t try to make her feel bad for what she did, she herself said to me she feels bad for she has done, I’m trying to be open, loving and accepting and forgiving as well. It is hard but I believe it is best because I understand she was single and that’s how she deals with it.. For me yes it still hurts.
I do know that I love this girl dearly and she means a lot, and I have even told her that I’m happy she broke up with me because otherwise I would have been blind to how I am.
Will, may I ask how you and you’re partner are open with out any negative emotions arising? I assume that’s the case..
September 2, 2014 at 7:50 am #64239MattParticipantJ,
Just wanted to chime in as a reminder that we’re all growing, most full of twists and turns inside us, and they don’t define us. The J of two weeks ago, two hours ago, has grown, moved on. The way “J IS” such as “I am this way…” is false, overlooks just how beautifully we can see through and abandon old patterns. Then its just upkeep, like keeping out of old ruts with sweat and perseverance, and the ruts fade, disappear.
If I didn’t know this, perhaps describing you as unworthy, unfit and so forth would make sense… but we know better, ya know? Hurt feelings heal, and we grow. No biggie, keep breathing. That’s a gem of a heart inside you, keep letting it shine. 🙂
With warmth,
MattSeptember 3, 2014 at 11:34 am #64331JimmyParticipant@J – Your situation really resonates greatly with me. I would love to offer you advice but I feel like @Matt as well as everyone else on here have done an absolutely amazing job from reading through everything. I also have very similar issues (about sex and your other emotional pains) and it would be absolutely amazing if I could possibly contact you for advice about my newfound breakup since I have so many questions that I feel like you might be able to answer. I would also do my best to talk to you about your situation since I think I can empathize to a large degree.
@Matt / @sojourner – Your responses were extremely powerful to me and really helped gave me a healthy perspective on my own breakup right now. Like J, and although this might be odd to ask (and you are free to decline), I would just really appreciate having the option to speak individuals who are extremely wise on this topic that might help me settle my chaotic emotions should I flare up.Thank you so much all.
September 3, 2014 at 12:11 pm #64332MattParticipantSure thing, feel free to post on the board or leave an email address (if talking in public deters you). I’m @amatt for the record, if you want my attention. 🙂
With warmth,
MattSeptember 3, 2014 at 12:31 pm #64333JimmyParticipant@amatt – How embarrassing that I addressed the wrong person! My apologies if you happen to see this message.
I suppose the correct people to address would be: @jaymarshx and @sojourner.
My email address is: symphonicsilver@gmail.com
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Thank you so much, all.
September 3, 2014 at 12:46 pm #64335GabrielaParticipant@amatt I know the problem isn’t at all mine, but the advice you gave J was seriously probably the best advice I have ever heard from anyone (and I have a degree in Psychology). Would you mind giving me your e-mail address for some potential advice on my situation if it’s not too much to ask? Congratulations on your well balanced spirit, I am admired.
September 3, 2014 at 1:24 pm #64337MattParticipantSure thing, tinybuddhamatt@gmail.com
With warmth,
MattSeptember 3, 2014 at 2:02 pm #64339Big blueParticipantHi J,
You have a great attitude!
By the way I agree on Matt’s awesome advice!
Big blue
September 21, 2014 at 8:58 pm #65333SInghParticipantHi there J,
It is a little late on this thread and I hope you are staying strong and happy with yourself before anything else.
I would like to share the other end of the spectrum here of opinions. I am going through a breakup of my own (my ex of almost 4 years, we broke up first a year ago, then made up, and here I am now 2 weeks into break up). Now, I am 23, so yes I am a little young. However, I come from a family where we have deeply routed values and my values always come first when it comes to my decisions like choosing a partner.I am not the type that would go around sleeping with other women just as flings, that is just the way I am ok, now the terms “right” and “wrong” do apply to me, and ONLY me as they are subjective. Now my ex was very much like me, a little on the immature side but I truly did influence her in a good way and she did the same for me after those four amazing years. I know her well, and the person she is and the person I’ve known for all this time is somebody who would not just have one-night stands, who has values very similar to my own when it comes to sexuality.
That being said, I am moving on, but I know I will run into her in the future and that if I continue to have faith in myself then I will ultimately come to a crossroads myself just like you were, where I can either choose to begin anew with her or keep moving on. So, given her character and values that existed since we broke: if I met her down the road and she told me (and tell me she would, as she cannot lie) that she had sex with others while rebounding and hurt, while hoping to start something with me, then I would surely feel similar to how your felt when you found out.
However, I would most likely NOT get back with her after hearing this news. Yes I said it. After the shock and primal jealousy passed, I would not go into a new relationship with her. Why? Because her doing that, in my view, shows weakness. It shows 1) that her emotions overtook her core values (we established that we both had these values as I previously mentioned), which makes me question what her values and beliefs really are and if they truly exist and shape her as they do for me. OR 2) : that she was and always will be (until she finds herself maybe or matures) an innately different person than what I thought she was. Meaning, that as soon as my interactions and indirect influence on her disappear, she is a different person, with different values or lack there of in any major respect.
Now on Note 1) if her emotions constantly overrode her values, then I personally consider this a lack of character, or more simply: just another typical person. It also shows (in my opinion) that she is unstable and thus I would not want to date someone who does not know herself, who is so easily influenced and who does not have much self-discipline.
So, you knew your ex (if she still is your ex) , and only you can gauge her values. In my case, again, based on how she was as I knew her, if she went sleeping around right away when single, then I would not go back to her as I believe for myself that I deserve somebody better than her (note: this is subjective so don’t go on hammering me with all this sex is sex bs). I got along well with her because we shared similar values (ok im sick of this word now), and I would seek to have a relationship with another woman who felt the same way or similar.
So, if your ex matches up to the hypothetical situation and position that I described above, then I’d say that you deserve way better than her. You will know that you are better than her when the jealousy and insecurity of hearing this news is finally accepted by you, but your disgusted or uninterested feelings towards her linger on when all the dust has settled.
I emphasize all this value shit because I would do my best not to date somebody who didn’t really know themselves i.e. who became a dramatically different person while with me, and then dramatically changed as soon as I was away. You want to be with somebody who is stable, who knows herself, so that you two different and whole-individuals can begin an amazing relationship.
All the best,
Singh
September 22, 2014 at 7:52 am #65352AnonymousInactiveThat related to me a lot @balu,
Can I contact you some how?September 22, 2014 at 11:19 pm #65398SInghParticipantOf course, ssingh17050@gmail.com
cheers
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