August 31, 2014 at 1:00 am #64132
This is an update from a post nearly 3 months ago and it’s not good. Well it was ok for a while. His son has finally got a full time job and quit smoking ( using e-cigs now) but he has still been with us all this time. I haven’t been getting any updates on when or what he is doing about moving out. I still have major issues about him being here. While I was at work on a12 hour shift the other day my partner text me that his son and girlfriend were staying for the weekend.( He stays at his girlfriends parents some weekends). No asking, just telling. I was angry and text him to say so and mentioned that I don’t seem to have a say anymore. He said back that he didn’t think it was a problem because I was working all weekend! My brain nearly exploded with anger and disappointment that he still didn’t get it.
I hate coming home dead tired to my sanctuary full of people making themselves right at home, music on, cooking up food for themselves. I want peace and quiet and time with my partner. I’m sorry to say, but I had a brain snap and had it out with him last night. I had plenty of time at work to think what to say and came up with a compromise (yes, still prepared to compromise) Get his son to stay 2 weeks with us and 2 weeks with his mum. Then I could look forward to 2 weeks of normality and time alone with my partner. Well his reaction was what I expected, since he couldn’t grasp how this was effecting me and us. He said to me he won’t want to stay at his mums because they argue all the time and she treats him like a kid and expects him home by 9pm etc. He is shouting at me by this stage and getting as angry as I felt, telling me he son is an adult and shouldn’t be treated like that. Of course I then said if he is an adult then he can go find a place of his own and his mum had every right to set boundaries. He just kept saying there was no solution and he wasn’t going to “kick his son out” or make waves with his ex.
Not once did he care about how I felt, just suggesting I was the one being unreasonable and unfair. I was totally shattered realising how he felt. He said the only solution was for him and his son to move out and that I was basically giving him no option. So to me its over. I need peace and respect and I hate conflict. I havn’t even cried yet, I’m still seething with anger and disbelief that he thinks this way while telling me he loves me dearly and doesn’t want to go. Is it me? Have I totally lost the plot? I don’t think he will move out unless I actually give him a deadline. I don’t feel any love or respect for him anymore. Can I please get some feedback on if I’m being unreasonable in ending it. Please read from my first post to understand where I’m coming from and thanks for listening.August 31, 2014 at 6:02 am #64137InkyParticipant
I remember the first post. Here’s the thing (and what I told my sister on many occasions): You are not even the step-mom. You are the girlfriend. This is his son. My own mother couldn’t get my step-brother to move out. They finally moved to a way smaller house because my step-dad wouldn’t just kick him out. In some cases blood is thicker than water. What’s the cultural/ancestral background? Most Italians I know, for example, would never kick their kids out.
Now: It sounds like the dad likes the son coming and going, and that that is what their relationship would naturally be like anyway. What you are doing is, ultimately, and energetically saying: It’s me or him. My step-mother actually rented an apartment and moved a kid in there when they weren’t out of college a month! This way she cleverly side-stepped any It’s Me or Her future confrontation. But you aren’t even the stepmother, correct? Just a girl friend? You are, to the boys, becoming The Evil Step Mother. But here’s the thing: you’re not.
You need a sanctuary. So move or kick the boys out. No living together until marriage. But be very clear beforehand about The Rules.
I know it looks like I’m leaning toward “the other side”. But I would get a sanctuary first. You’re not going to get between the father and son. I know that’s not good news. So accept it.
August 31, 2014 at 9:38 am #64151MattParticipant
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
In addition to inky’s heartfelt wisdom, also consider that the son deserves a sanctuary, time to breathe, find himself, and grow. Fathers often would do anything for their kids, and for example, if you were you to come at me in such a way, it would be very difficult to see your side. Like, if you were to come to me with pain, but start by chopping off my feet, there would be little of your pain discussed, because my pain would be too loud for me to see much of anything else.
That being said, your anger and stress at the situation is understandable, you work hard and wish to have that warm safe space. Anger won’t build that, however. With him, or inside you. Consider reading “Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames” by Thich Nhat Hanh. When we can do something different with our anger, our creativity is rekindled, letting us do more skillful things with our desires. Said differently, perhaps if you hadn’t been enraged, you two could have addressed and met your needs without the hatred or combat.
From another direction, why couldn’t you just join them in their joy? If they were happy, making delicious food, and laughing, couldn’t you just grab a plate and dig in? Let go of the 12 hours of work and relax and play? What prevented you? Jealousy? Seeing imbalance?
MattAugust 31, 2014 at 3:21 pm #64161sojournerParticipant
Matt you kill me with your wisdom. And you are right of course on many points, as always.
BUT. If it were me, I would have to ask for my sanctuary back. Enough already.
Bottom line from this quarter – you are not being unreasonable to end it, Sultana. Those people have a good deal going and they know it and it’s at your expense. Additionally, you say you feel no love or respect for him anymore. Well, those are very telling words. I’d say this ship has sailed and you are worn to a frazzle. Some major damage has been done with no relief in sight. You lasted a LOT longer than I would have, bless your heart.
Go get you some peace. Take your space back. Only let people in there who make you feel loved, respected and joyful.August 31, 2014 at 4:49 pm #64162
Thank you for all your thoughts. Being so confused about why I felt so desperate to have my space and sanctuary I started google searching and had a monumental find that made me cry with relief. I have a very introverted personality. I found a website that helped to explain why I need what I need to be able to function. My partner has an extroverted personality. Major clashes and misunderstandings was inevitable without respect for each others needs. The thing is I respected his needs but he didn’t respect mine. All I asked for was a compromise.
We talked about all this last night and he now has a better understanding of my needs and has said he is so sorry for letting me down but is still unable / unwilling to do anything about it. We both agreed in this case blood is thicker than water. He and his son are going to move out. He is totally devastated, says he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me and can’t imagine his life without me. The saying, You cant have your cake and eat it, keeps going through my mind. He even asked me could I help him with sorting out what to do for his son and I was so shocked and reminded him that I had come up with viable suggestions and he angrily threw them back in my face and I was not prepared to subject myself to that again.
So he is choosing his sons happiness and financial ruin (for both of us) over me. Part of me is devastated and full of fear for the future and part of me is relieved that I soon will be at peace with my inner turmoil and excitement of complete freedom for the first time in my life. Now I can cry.August 31, 2014 at 4:58 pm #64163sojournerParticipant
Know that you are not alone, ever. Get some rest and yes, have that good long cry, or cries. I don’t have a crystal ball, but I think it’s possible that your partner may have an epiphany after they move out. Once he is clear of things and can see the forest for the trees, maybe he will be able to navigate with you into the next phase of your relationship – one blessed with peace and understanding, if he really loves you as he says he does.
When you consider what your circumstance was (or maybe still is today), it seems that fear for the future is manageable. Although you don’t know what will unfold now, you do know that you couldn’t stay in the current situation.
Think positively, count your blessings everyday, surround yourself with beauty, people and moments that will bring you joy. Many people, myself included, have started over again financially not once but multiple times in an effort to make our personal lives better. You will be ok.
Please stay in touch, best wishes.
SojSeptember 1, 2014 at 1:35 am #64196
Thank you sojourner, your words are a great comfort to me.