Forum Replies Created
March 16, 2015 at 7:17 pm #74003
Thank you both so much for your replies. After 6 days now I have started to run out of tears. Tomorrow will be hard though, the day I lost Harry a week ago. The house is so dead, so quiet I hate it.
Inky, I can’t get my head around what you said in your first paragraph and I certainly can’t derive any comfort from it. I know you wouldn’t have meant any upset by it though. The probation idea could be the way to go.
Kori, thank you so much for your kind words, you obviously have wonderful pets yourself. What you say makes so much sense but I also feel that if I didn’t have Harry after the breakup I may have thought and reacted differently about my ex. I had Harry for comfort and I spoilt him with all my love. I feel like I took him a little for granted at how much he helped me through. I never expected he could be gone in a instant. Damn,crying again.
Harry made it easy for me to block out my ex and ignore all his attempts to contact me. I ignored him because I believed he still had no clue or understanding about why things went wrong and that he though I was being unreasonable and he just wanted to get me to change my mind. Now that he has finally got the chance to talk to me he has spilled his guts and is deeply remorseful and sorry for his actions and see the changes that need to be made. You are right, if Harry had not died then I still would have ignored him and never heard what he had to say. I did miss him and wished it had worked out, but Harry made it possible for me to put those thoughts out of my mind.
We have spoken some more over the phone and it feels so easy to slip back into good conversations we used to have. I will take things slow. I am going to look at another house today and I am taking my other 2 dogs with me this time. Its so hard to not think ” if only I had taken them the first time”December 11, 2014 at 6:57 pm #69127
Hi Kathy, I am sorry to hear about your situation and obviously know what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your thoughts also and not being judgmental. I really love this site, no other site can match this one for genuine caring people. I made the mistake of posting on another money related site and the feedback I got was soul shattering to say the least.
It seems to be embedded in a lot of peoples minds that if a woman says she wishes she had a man in her life to love and to “make life easier” the first thought is the woman doesn’t want to work and wants the man to provide everything. The person telling you this usually has a partner in their life and can’t see that without them they most probably would be in a very different situation. It works both ways. I would not rely solely on my partner for financial security and would keep working, but we would both benefit from two incomes.
I have worked hard all my life and never taken any benefits from the government. Never spent money I don’t have, never had a credit card, always paid bills on time, non materialistic, hate shopping and live very modestly. But the stress of not knowing how much work, if any, I am going to get from week to week is taking its toll. All I think about 24/7 is work-money-work-money. I have 3 beautiful dogs who are my best and only friends, yet I have been told to find them new homes if I can’t afford to keep my home. They are my children, so imagine being told to give your kids to another family. I would have no will or need to continue living this life without them.
So I am going to repeat on this great forum without fear, that I want and need a man in my life to love and to help and benefit each other in everyway. People need people for all sorts of reasons and as long as everyone benefits and no one takes advantage then its a good thing. Its crazy and short sighted to be told that you have to succeed on your own before you are considered a decent and worthy person. Rant over. I have decided I am not going on the cruise. Thank you all for reading.December 10, 2014 at 5:11 pm #69070
Thank you so much for replying Yue and xwhy. A lot of what you say Yue, is how I feel about it except that I am not looking for friendship I am looking for a serious relationship. He is not in a rush despite the offer of a cruise. (it was already booked before we met). I think I know I will be turning the offer down.
I think there might have been a bit of misunderstanding about how I view a relationship xwhy. I believe what you say may be true and that is what I was suggesting that I give it a go because my previous relationships have been based on “instant attraction”, spark etc. but they didn’t last so that not being the case with this guy I want to see if anything develops further and so was questioning if I should take a chance with the cruise offer.
My life is spiralling downhill financially and socially. I need a partner in my life. For some strange reason the minute people read that last sentence they are ready to jump on you and say how wrong it is to think that way. Yet I am pretty sure the majority of the human population has a partner, family and friends that help support them this way.
I cant forget about relationships until I sort myself out, because financially that wont happen unless I win the lottery. I am not going to look like a good potential partner when I live on the street and am destitute and miserable.
Life is short I feel there is no time to waste when looking for a life partner.
Sorry, just needed to vent. Thanks again for the replies.October 31, 2014 at 5:14 am #67085
Hi Koala17, I understand what you are saying, it’s just that I don’t initiate any of the contact. He texts me and asks if I want to get coffee etc. I don’t make plans with him. He just won’t let go. If he texts “how was your day” and I ignore him, his next text is “are you ok”. And if I keep ignoring him he asks am I mad with him. I feel as if I need to scream at him to leave me alone but I couldn’t hurt him like that. He was completely devastated to know we were over. Anyone else would give up trying to contact me as I feel I am already coming across as aloof and uninterested. I feel so guilty if I ignore him. If he was truly happy to be just friends then I would love to stay in touch with him as I hold no animosity toward him and he is a great guy. It’s as if he is waiting for me to change my mind and I’m not going to.September 1, 2014 at 1:35 am #64196
Thank you sojourner, your words are a great comfort to me.August 31, 2014 at 4:49 pm #64162
Thank you for all your thoughts. Being so confused about why I felt so desperate to have my space and sanctuary I started google searching and had a monumental find that made me cry with relief. I have a very introverted personality. I found a website that helped to explain why I need what I need to be able to function. My partner has an extroverted personality. Major clashes and misunderstandings was inevitable without respect for each others needs. The thing is I respected his needs but he didn’t respect mine. All I asked for was a compromise.
We talked about all this last night and he now has a better understanding of my needs and has said he is so sorry for letting me down but is still unable / unwilling to do anything about it. We both agreed in this case blood is thicker than water. He and his son are going to move out. He is totally devastated, says he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me and can’t imagine his life without me. The saying, You cant have your cake and eat it, keeps going through my mind. He even asked me could I help him with sorting out what to do for his son and I was so shocked and reminded him that I had come up with viable suggestions and he angrily threw them back in my face and I was not prepared to subject myself to that again.
So he is choosing his sons happiness and financial ruin (for both of us) over me. Part of me is devastated and full of fear for the future and part of me is relieved that I soon will be at peace with my inner turmoil and excitement of complete freedom for the first time in my life. Now I can cry.June 11, 2014 at 7:34 pm #58653
Hi Kelly, firstly I can see it looks bad that I want his to son to move out and I questioned the thought for a long time. So I need to clarify a few points that made me come to my decision. He is not a “boy” at 17. He drinks and smokes and has a steady girlfriend he sleeps with. ( she has stayed over several times) He “can” stay with his mother, just because they argue all the time is not my problem.
If he didn’t waste money on smokes and alcohol he would have enough money from his casual work to share rent with his mates which he would like to do. My partner was putting his son before our relationship because he wouldn’t get his son to follow the boundaries I set that led me to a breakdown.( when he new it would be a difficult adaption for me to have his son stay)
I have had the big talk with my partner yesterday and told him all of this. He finally could see how all of this was effecting us and we are taking steps to fix things.
I too was a child of divorce and abuse from my father. I couldn’t wait to live on my own, and so I was at 17 with a live in job. I didn’t rely on my parents for anything. Never have and never will. Each to their own I guess. But it is time for me to be happy so that is what I aim to do 🙂June 10, 2014 at 6:01 pm #58560
Thank you Jasmine, I have had a lot more clearer thoughts since posting here. It really does help to write it all down. Being honest with yourself is spot on and Lucinda you must have read my mind just a while ago as also had that exact thought and realised that is most of the problem when it comes to money! I have come to a few decisions. I want to give this one more try so in the being honest and setting boundaries department, his son has to move out ASAP. This might seem harsh but apart from growing up with my brothers I have never lived with a third person in my home and I just can’t deal with it and I don’t want to deal with it. I feel it is a certainty our relationship will fail if he stays. If he agrees then I will do up a budget and show him, if not then they will both be gone.(how silly is that for him)
Don’t you just hate how there is never a good time to have “the talk”. It will be both our birthdays 2 and 3 days time.
Thank you all for listening, this is the best relationship forum I have come across.June 10, 2014 at 1:49 am #58462
Hi Sojourner, thank you for your insight. I know I have done some compromising but in my mind it is his wages paying the mortgage and I pay the bills etc, so I’m not sure how balanced this all is. Also, he came into the relationship with money from his divorce and put a fair bit of it into my mortgage, but we are still spending more that we earn and eating into this money and because it was his money I feel reluctant to go on about it. It is my property from a previous relationship, that I had to fight tooth and nail to keep. I feel it is very generous of him to pay the mortgage when his name is not on the title.
As far as his son goes I did lay down rules such as no smoking anywhere near the house as I can’t tolerate the smell, but he smokes just outside and I do smell it and he comes in reeking of it. The drinking I feel is none of my business as long as he doesn’t get drunk. I would never tolerate it if he were my child though. He is not a mouthy or rude teen so I am grateful for that. He does not have his drivers licence yet so my partner also spends a lot of time taking him to town on weekends that also eats into our alone time together that I really miss.
I must have painted him as a spendthrift, but I must clarify it is more talk of buying this and that now that actually spending the money. He has reined it in, but I feel only because he knows it stresses me out not because we need to watch what we spend. I feel like a scrooge always saying, no we can’t afford it, then angry that he doesn’t realise it.
Honestly, if I were to get a second job tomorrow, I feel I would tell him it’s over even if it meant I had to eat 3 minute noodles to get by. But that’s when the guilt sets in. He has nowhere to go and he has a heart operation due next month. ( a big expense that can’t be helped). It would be so much easier to sort this out and get back to the way we were. I worry that even if he did tell his son to move back to his mums or wherever, he would resent me for it and I don’t want that.
I don’t feel confident to have this talk with him for fear of his response and then mine. This is all I think about 24/7. It’s making me ill.