What would you do?

HomeForumsTough TimesWhat would you do?

New Reply
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • Author
  • #68895

    Hello everyone, I have to make a hard decision and it is something that I really could just ask friends, if I had any. So here I am.
    I am 44 years old and recently single ( 3 Months) after a third failed relationship. I have kept the home and now I am struggling to get enough income to keep my head above water.
    I met a nice man about a month ago. We get along like best friends and it is long distance and in very early stages.( not intimate)
    Anyway out of the blue he asks me if I want to go on a 2 week cruise to New Zealand next month, all expenses paid! Well his parents are paying for all of their kids family and partners to go and since he didn’t have a partner he ask me. He said they do it every year as a Christmas gift. He says he feels very comfortable and relaxed with me and loves how we relate so well. I feel the same, except that there is no spark, more like a brother.
    I really want to get to know him more to see if things may develop further as I realise I need to change something about choosing a man, since I’ve not done well in the past. I tend to go for the instant attraction and chemistry but it doesn’t last the distance.
    My dilemma is that I had already booked a short trip to see my brothers in another state at the end of February, who I haven’t seen in years. It does not clash with the cruise but I am not in a financial position to take two trips in close succession, even if the cruise is paid for.( I would still need to get myself to the airport, 700km away, and spending money etc.) I really need to keep working to pay the mortgage.
    My head is messing with my heart. A part of me says, do it as I have never been on a overseas holiday, let alone a cruise and you never know what may come out of it. And the other part says, be realistic and spend the time working instead if you want to keep your home.
    I would hate to regret turning down his offer and miss out on some fun and new experiences in my life, that I have had very little of lately. I am normally a person of routine and long term plans I like to stick to but it has not been working for me for some time now and life just gets harder, so maybe I need to throw caution to the wind and see what happens??


    Hi Sultana,

    Thank you for sharing. It is natural for us to review our behaviour following a break up but in this case, I feel that some of your cautions are quite sensible. To offer to pre-paid cruise to someone you have only known for a month seems to be a very generous gesture and on top of that you will be meeting all of his family. If he is looking for a relationship while you are leaning towards a friendship (which seems to be the case), things may get awkard very quickly and being on a boat surrounded by his family is probably the last place you want to be. Also due to the distance, you may not have meet him face to face that often and going from that to seeing each other everyday can significantly change the dynamic of the relationship.

    Based on your post, it sounds like you can use a break but you can do this on your own to have sometime to reflect on what you want to do next (rather than surrounded by strangers). It might not be a cruise in NZ but at least you can do it at a time of your choice (e.g. when your finances are better) and have a chance to focus on yourself, which is one of the best things to do coming out of a long relationship.


    Dear sultana,
    Please take a break from relationships. You are not ready for any. You talk about spark, chemistry, and attraction in this post and it seems that these are prerequisites for a relationship. Unfortunately, they have little to do with love. None of them can sustain a relationship Go find out what real love is. It’s not what you think it is. You will have to did deep inside old thoughts and writings on it. Then dig deep inside yourself.You may find that you don’t want to choose real love. That is fine. But don’t expect the chemistry to last. It’s mostly about sexual attraction, not real love. Good luck!


    Thank you so much for replying Yue and xwhy. A lot of what you say Yue, is how I feel about it except that I am not looking for friendship I am looking for a serious relationship. He is not in a rush despite the offer of a cruise. (it was already booked before we met). I think I know I will be turning the offer down.
    I think there might have been a bit of misunderstanding about how I view a relationship xwhy. I believe what you say may be true and that is what I was suggesting that I give it a go because my previous relationships have been based on “instant attraction”, spark etc. but they didn’t last so that not being the case with this guy I want to see if anything develops further and so was questioning if I should take a chance with the cruise offer.

    My life is spiralling downhill financially and socially. I need a partner in my life. For some strange reason the minute people read that last sentence they are ready to jump on you and say how wrong it is to think that way. Yet I am pretty sure the majority of the human population has a partner, family and friends that help support them this way.
    I cant forget about relationships until I sort myself out, because financially that wont happen unless I win the lottery. I am not going to look like a good potential partner when I live on the street and am destitute and miserable.
    Life is short I feel there is no time to waste when looking for a life partner.
    Sorry, just needed to vent. Thanks again for the replies.


    Dear Sultana
    I can really relate to your post, as I am 45 and just broken up with my partner, moving to a new place and having to pay a mortgage on my own. I don’t think it is my place to advise you on what decision you could make here about the holiday, and I get how you want a partner in your life, as I also love being in relationship – but a good and nourishing one would work for me now I think!!
    I just want to share that I find for me it isn’t helpful to compare myself and my situation to others. When I do this, I get myself really down. The truth of the matter is that not everyone with a partner is necessarily happy, and not everyone who appears to have money are well off financially – they could be in huge debt and just playing the game of looking well off to others.
    I also am resolved this time around not to look to others for my financial security – I think if I do this, and at some level I have done this in the past, I set myself up for failure. It is also giving my power away to someone else, who may or may not have my best interests at heart. This Christmas is really tough for me and my kids, not much money in the bank to afford presents – but hey, it is just stuff any way and we have each other. It is more important to me to be honest with myself financially – this is where I am at, this is where I want to be, and these are the steps I am taking to get there – not waiting for others to do it for me.
    Just thought I would share what works for me – I don’t really know your situation, but wish you well whatever you decide!


    Hi Kathy, I am sorry to hear about your situation and obviously know what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your thoughts also and not being judgmental. I really love this site, no other site can match this one for genuine caring people. I made the mistake of posting on another money related site and the feedback I got was soul shattering to say the least.
    It seems to be embedded in a lot of peoples minds that if a woman says she wishes she had a man in her life to love and to “make life easier” the first thought is the woman doesn’t want to work and wants the man to provide everything. The person telling you this usually has a partner in their life and can’t see that without them they most probably would be in a very different situation. It works both ways. I would not rely solely on my partner for financial security and would keep working, but we would both benefit from two incomes.
    I have worked hard all my life and never taken any benefits from the government. Never spent money I don’t have, never had a credit card, always paid bills on time, non materialistic, hate shopping and live very modestly. But the stress of not knowing how much work, if any, I am going to get from week to week is taking its toll. All I think about 24/7 is work-money-work-money. I have 3 beautiful dogs who are my best and only friends, yet I have been told to find them new homes if I can’t afford to keep my home. They are my children, so imagine being told to give your kids to another family. I would have no will or need to continue living this life without them.

    So I am going to repeat on this great forum without fear, that I want and need a man in my life to love and to help and benefit each other in everyway. People need people for all sorts of reasons and as long as everyone benefits and no one takes advantage then its a good thing. Its crazy and short sighted to be told that you have to succeed on your own before you are considered a decent and worthy person. Rant over. I have decided I am not going on the cruise. Thank you all for reading.


    Sultana, just be sure that you judge men with the same kindness you show yourself for not having succeeded on your own. Us guys are a little tiered of having to be “successful” in order to even be considered as a potential partner. Many of us are good, competent, fun, intelligent men, and we get passed over because we don’t have the success needed to spark attraction in modern women. It’s kinda sad because both sides are missing out on the happiness that we deserve. Good luck! Hope you find that happiness and security that you deserve!

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.