Forum Replies Created
December 12, 2014 at 10:13 am #69167
I think Matt ment he cashed in his 401K savings to fund his education not a 401,000 dollar nest egg. That being said, MATT EASE UP ON YOURSELF, pleeeeeease!
I am 40, and had to move back home for a bit two years ago. Most of my friends have had to do the same at different times since graduation from high school. The old graduate high school, go to college, get good job, buy house and car with new wife, and have 2.5 babbies, 1 dog, get promoted, blah blah blah. That no longer exists. You need to craft a new narrative for yourself, with values that resonate with you. And from what you have said, you have an awesome start!
As for the girl. If you are still in communication with her, please go and tell her what you told us here. You need to let her know how this hurt you and why. She may completely blow you off, it may become a fight. It does not matter. You still love her and probably always will, and you deserve to be heard. Then you will feel less tied to your past and pressured by the values that surround you every day. You are doing great, my friend!December 12, 2014 at 9:48 am #69165
Got a bit of bad news. The pain is going to get a bit worse. You see, you have stuffed all your feelings for a very long time and now that you are starting to heal, they are all going to bubble up to the surface and you will have to actually feel them this time, instead of stuffing them. Good news, you WILL get through it and come out much stronger and balanced on the other side.
As for trg guy that you ARE STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH, well you need to end it. You are still emotionally attached to him and his actions are dictating your emotions. You are in fact addicted to him. You exchanged him for drugs, one addiction for another. Check out some books on addiction and co-dependence to understand your feelings and behavior. Right now you are at risk of letting this guy back into your life. Learn about love, real love, not sexual attraction, and it will give you insight so that you can see you were not in love with him, and he is not and never will be in love with you. Good luck!December 12, 2014 at 9:38 am #69164
First I need to correct something you said. You characterized yourself as weak and pathetic. You were NOT weak and pathetic, you were in serious pain because of deep betrayal. You acted in the only way that your mind could let you in all of the situations that came after the betrayal. You are still saying derogatory things about how you behaved. Yes they are embarrassing, but they are normal and completely acceptable responses. For this reason, I would recommend not going to the party. Once you can forgive yourself for what you seem to think was “bad” behavior, you will be able to interact with this person again without shame or discomfort. You have a ways to go in healing, take as much time as you need. You don’t have to prove you are over him, or strong, or not “a crazy ex”. That’s not your job. Your job is to learn from this, make adjustments to not let it happen again, and move on to someone who values you. Good luck!December 12, 2014 at 9:25 am #69162
Sultana, just be sure that you judge men with the same kindness you show yourself for not having succeeded on your own. Us guys are a little tiered of having to be “successful” in order to even be considered as a potential partner. Many of us are good, competent, fun, intelligent men, and we get passed over because we don’t have the success needed to spark attraction in modern women. It’s kinda sad because both sides are missing out on the happiness that we deserve. Good luck! Hope you find that happiness and security that you deserve!December 11, 2014 at 12:35 pm #69116
This woman tried to initiate “the chase” by leading the guy to believe that he had a large competition with other men. This is manipulative behavior because she was trying to create the illusion that she had a higher value than she does. Rather than just being up front and direct she attempted to control his behavior by misrepresenting. To me that is treating someone as a toy. This behavior, had he bought into it, would have continued into their relationship. It’s not miscommunication. But it is different expectations in that she expected him to chase her, and he doesn’t do that. Thanks for asking, it allowed me to elaborate!December 10, 2014 at 12:08 pm #69065
Love your name, btw! Sorry you don’t have happy feet right now. Speaking of which, you might try dancing, or something else that’s physical to help with that cloud in your soul right now. But most importantly, you need to establish some good connections to people. Maybe it is not through school. Maybe it’s not in your age group. Go out and explore and appreciate people, actively get to know them, don’t try to make friends. Try to be a friend and learn about others. It will take the focus off you for a bit so that you can take on life with a little more confidence and ease. Friendship and connection are vital to our mental health. Just remember to give your friendship not go get someone’s friendship! Oh and dump that therapist. If you EVER feel discomfort with a therapist like you described, find a new one. It’s not a match. You may have to try several to find a good match. That’s advice for everyone, btw.December 10, 2014 at 11:56 am #69064
I would like to point out to you that you did not break up a year ago. From your post it’s only been 3-4 months. 2.5 years of invested emotions don’t right themselves in a few months. You are going to go through a few more bad patches as a new sense of self is forming. That’s fine, growth can be a bit painful. Just don’t jump into another relationship until you new self is solid. Like a crab shedding it’s old exoskeleton, you have to wait for that new one to harden before you can go running on the beach of love again. Use this down time to learn to set bondaries in relationships and to get clear on what you want to give to a partner as well as what you want to receive. It will cut down on future pain and a bunch of wasted time. Good luck!December 10, 2014 at 11:45 am #69063
I like a lot of what fritz says. I want to add something. He’s picking up on your discomfort and awkwardness about your feelings. I suspect this is more than a crush. The way you write about him (specifically by calling him “this person”) tells me you value him more than just sexually. A crush is mostly sexual attraction and infatuation, but this seems like more than that. I’ll offer this, relax, and actively seek to get to know him. Don’t chase him, just let him know you want to get to know him a little better than the superficial friendships that we all have. Maybe you guys are a great match, maybe not. But don’t try and guess. I’ll quote a teacher I had in college. “If you don’t know, ask. If you aren’t sure, ask. I can’t read your minds, and I would rather you risk being embarrassed to ask for what you need, than make a mistake that hurts more than a ding in your pride”. Good luck!December 10, 2014 at 11:25 am #69061
Anyone, I hate to tell you this, but I think you should move on. You seem like a wonderful person and no person like you should have to play so many games in order to be with someone as a lover or a friend. A little playing is fun and is not necessarily bad, but you are no longer in that place. I suspect that this person may have antisocial personality disorder. (What people commonly mislabel as a sociopath) i hope you can find your dignity and self respect to move on and find someone who you can love and who can love you. I doubt this guy can. Ask yourself right now, do you feel tossed around, randomly cared about, pulled in different directions, and like you’re dancing to someone else’s music? That’s being a puppet, not being in love. You need a man, not a puppeteer. Cut your strings and find a new dance partner!December 10, 2014 at 2:38 am #69044
Personally, I think inky’s idea is the best. Get a puppy or kitten. I don’t think you have fully realized that you have value, and pets have a tendency to remind us out worth with their love. (Slobber is very therapeutic!)December 10, 2014 at 2:33 am #69043
If the partner is constantly putting you down, there is no “relationship”. It is a fictitious story about the two of you that is completely in your mind. It does not exist. The good you see is the halo effect. The “love” you feel is only attraction. None of it is real. How do I know? Because you used the word “salvaged”.salvage us for things like metal scrap. If you were in a real relationship with real love, you would have said “saved”. Saving is for living things like people, animals, and relationships. Or the short answer to the question…..NO.December 10, 2014 at 2:24 am #69042
Shantigirl, listen to jasmine. She is very, very wise.December 10, 2014 at 2:19 am #69041
He wanted to be treated as more than a toy for a girl? That is soooooo childish! (Sarcasm) He respected himself enough to not be second string, and did not play into what was manipulative behavior on your part. You got beat in a game of your own creation. So go find another person to puppet, or grow up and don’t play games. Go find a boy, because you just missed out on a man.December 10, 2014 at 2:09 am #69040
Personally I would leave. I know myself well enough that I know I would be unable to fully trust this person again to the extent that is needed in marriage. Some people can, but I can’t (choose not to). I hope that you are better in that respect if you hope to restore your marriage. You seem to not know why the betrayal occurred, I would say that you should at minimum see a therapist to determine why, before you decide what to do going forward. Good luck!December 10, 2014 at 2:00 am #69039
You are in an awesome place right now. You are dissatisfied with your life, and you have the insight to have determined how you are contributing to those feelings. This is far further than most people get with three times your years! Start asking yourself questions such as “what is something I can do to change ______” or “what do I really want to happen with ______” and “what do I need to do or learn to make my life into what I want it to be” you won’t have any answers, but you are bright, and the answers will come, along with the changes you will need to make to move forward. Good luck!