Home→Forums→Relationships→Ashamed of my past behavior
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December 11, 2014 at 7:42 pm #69128KyniskaParticipant
On Saturday I’m going to a party hosted by two of my best friends. My ex-boyfriend who broke up with me 20 months ago will be there. I haven’t seen him in over a year. I hear he’s doing well though, and it’s possible he’s bringing someone with him.
And I am absolutely terrified.
After the break-up, I was in a severe depression for 12 months. I emerged this summer after a lot of work, and found my trust mechanisms smashed, unable to emote in front of any other person or feel things that I used to feel. I have panic attacks and flashbacks of bad parts of our relationship. I avoided everything that reminded me of him, and if I inadvertently saw or heard something that did, it could stop me cold. And the reason I’m scared is not because I still have feelings for him. I do, but I’ve made peace with that. If I could have stopped loving him, I would have done it by now (and believe me, I DID TRY.) It’s not the love. And I don’t want to be with him anymore, that feeling stopped about two months after we broke up for the last time. It’s the shame of what happened.
When our relationship was bottoming out and I KNEW I should have walked away, I clung even tighter. When we were first dating, I felt like I was the best version of myself, I felt peaceful, I had no desire to spend all my time with him or know things about him that he wasn’t ready to tell me. I thought I understood him back to front and I felt confident that he would always be honest with me. But then he cheated on me with my best friend. He broke up with me then, saying things like “I needed him too much” and he felt like I couldn’t manage without him. I loved him completely for who he was and it was like he didn’t even know me. But then, after I had moved on, he wanted me back. I took him back, but of course I was now totally insecure, trying to everything in my power to please him so he wouldn’t hurt me again, acting out like a teenager when my emotions flared up because I didn’t know what else to do. I basically became everything he accused me of being. I just thought if he sticks with me, if he stays through this awful period, then it’ll mean he really loves me.
At my lowest point, I called him drunk and crying and wanting to be reassured that everything was okay, that we were gonna work through this. He yelled at me. I see why he did it, but it hurt. I said something like “I should just walk into traffic right now.” I didn’t mean it and I never would have done it. But I know how it sounded, like I told him he had to stay with me or I would commit suicide.
I’m not proud of any of this. In fact, the reason I was depressed for so long was because I was so darkly ashamed of it, I couldn’t even begin to process it. I hated that I turned into that weak, pathetic person, when I knew my intuition was pointing me firmly the other way, when it was clear from his behavior that he did not really want to be with me. I regretted it so much.
I don’t want to go because I think I’ll be humiliated. I think he’ll be there with a new girlfriend, and he’ll still see me as that awful, cringing stereotype of a crazy ex-girlfriend. I don’t like knowing that I’m capable of that. And I feel like I’d rather die than have him look at me that way again.
But I’m going anyway. I’m going to go because he’s friends with my friends, and the longer I wait, the worse it’ll be. And because there’s a possibility that it just isn’t that serious. Maybe I’ll go and just have fun with my friends any realize that I was afraid of nothing. I feel like I’m risking all the work I did on myself (if I go and it’s as awful as I fear, I might lose those parts of myself I worked so hard to recover), but it will be worth it if this fear goes away. If I stop having panic attacks and imaginary health problems. If I can finally stop rejecting myself. Because I really feel that that was the ugliest part of me that I have ever seen and I want so badly for it not to be there, but it is. Maybe if I can be okay with that, be aware of that for next time, if I can ever open myself up enough for there to be a next time, then it will be worth it.
December 12, 2014 at 4:38 am #69148AnyoneParticipantDear Kyniska,
If there’s anything that would hurt you or spoil the hard work you have been putting in to mend the hurt and pick yourself up, I would say, please avoid it. It becomes necessary to say no at times. And we still stick by caring about others, that friends will feel bad if you don’t go, you can always explain them and if they are your true friends, they will understand!
Just don’t get into anything that is not pleasant and would shake your strength for now, as you’re still on the path of recovery.
Stay Blessed…
Sending lots of strength and positivity your way…
December 12, 2014 at 5:23 am #69149AnonymousInactiveI agree with the above.
Not sure any good could come of this, and you’ve probably made more progress than you give yourself credit for.
So, let go of what was and what you can’t change.I empathise with you completely by the way, as I’ve been in a similar position to you.
I have scars mentally that I’m not sure will ever completely heal, but I learned from my mistakes and I’m still standing, even if a little scathed.December 12, 2014 at 8:35 am #69155CourtneyParticipantI would like to offer another point of view. It sounds like part of you wants to go because you’re looking forward to the possibility of having fun, being surrounded by people who care about you (example: your two best friends), and maybe even meeting new people. It’s great that you’ve worked hard on yourself and made progress in the self-love department.
You say you’re afraid to go because “I think he’ll be there with a new girlfriend, and he’ll still see me as that awful, cringing stereotype of a crazy ex-girlfriend.” Deep down, you know that’s not who you are. The fact that you can recognize the behavior you exhibited is not acceptable to you speaks a lot about the type of person you are. You aren’t “a crazy ex-girlfriend.” You’re a human-being who makes mistakes and learns and grows from them. I truly believe you’ve learned and grown from the experience.
In my opinion, if fear is holding you back from going to a party that you really want to go to, I say go. Enjoy yourself, be polite, be respectful, and don’t worry about what he thinks. What matters is what you think of yourself and all of the hard work you’ve done to heal and become a great, enlightened person!
December 12, 2014 at 9:01 am #69160KyniskaParticipantThank you. I know I am taking a risk by going, but I also know that avoiding him for a year has not made the panic attacks stop or my anxiety any better. In fact, it’s gotten worse. I agree that sometimes it’s best to do what’s healthy for you, but I don’t think trapping myself in a cycle of victimhood is healthy. (I’m afraid of being humiliated and the more he knows I’m avoiding him, the deeper that potential humiliation becomes, so I just avoid him more.) I know it’s time to try something different, even if I’m not sure how it will work out.
And thank you, Courtney, for the support. You’re right, that’s not me, and I do want to see my friends and have a good time. If I weren’t worried about how I might react or how I might look to others, I wouldn’t have any problems going, I’d just be happy to spend time with friends.
December 12, 2014 at 9:38 am #69164xWhyParticipantKyniska,
First I need to correct something you said. You characterized yourself as weak and pathetic. You were NOT weak and pathetic, you were in serious pain because of deep betrayal. You acted in the only way that your mind could let you in all of the situations that came after the betrayal. You are still saying derogatory things about how you behaved. Yes they are embarrassing, but they are normal and completely acceptable responses. For this reason, I would recommend not going to the party. Once you can forgive yourself for what you seem to think was “bad” behavior, you will be able to interact with this person again without shame or discomfort. You have a ways to go in healing, take as much time as you need. You don’t have to prove you are over him, or strong, or not “a crazy ex”. That’s not your job. Your job is to learn from this, make adjustments to not let it happen again, and move on to someone who values you. Good luck!December 12, 2014 at 10:13 am #69166AnneParticipantWe’ve all been there, lovely. I called sobbing and crying at midnight, more than a week after we broke up, and said I was going to come over to wherever he was to talk things out RIGHT NOW. Turned out he was getting hot and heavy with another girl at the time, so my presence would not have been welcomed, lol! Best thing I can advise is try to see the situation through the eyes of someone who loves and cares for you very much. Yes, you made a bit of a tit of yourself 🙂 You’re not the first, and you won’t be the last. Try to laugh at it. Shame can’t survive a dose of laughter
If you’re not ready to see him yet, don’t go. But as xwhy says, you have nothing to prove to him. You’re human and bighearted. That’s admirable.
December 15, 2014 at 7:12 pm #69304KyniskaParticipantJust wanted to thank everyone for their kind words. I did go to the party and I had a wonderful time. My ex was there alone, and while it was difficult to see him, I was still able to enjoy myself and even forgot he was there a few times. I’m glad I faced it. He and my friends are still close, so he won’t ever be totally out of my life, but it’s good to know that I’m able to handle it. As hard as I was on myself, I didn’t feel anything close to the amount of shame I was expecting. In fact, I didn’t really feel shamed or humiliated at all, just slightly uncomfortable and at times a little sad. But compared to what I was afraid of, it was nothing.
December 16, 2014 at 9:30 am #69348CourtneyParticipantAwesome! Great to hear! 🙂
December 16, 2014 at 1:40 pm #69361AnneParticipantDelighted to hear that 😀 Another “giant leap for mankind” 😀
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