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Losing my boyfriend to an arranged marriage.

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  • #66392
    Shantigirl
    Participant

    I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. I met him when I was travelling around India, he was Indian and I met him in his hometown. We feel hopelessly in love. I returned 9 months late and stayed for three months. I had to work my trips around my college year, but other than that 9 month stint we were never away from each other too long, 3-4 months usually.

    During my stays I spent a lot of time in his home with his family, and although he referred to me as his friend, we kind of thought they knew we were really together, but could not really acknowledge it aloud due to their culture.
    There were several other western women married in his town, one of whom had a close relationship with his family so we kind of felt when the time came there would be no issue with us getting married.

    After my last visit in June, we decided to apply for a visa for my boyfriend to visit me in my country. We had a long wait, during this time I desperately wanted to return to India. I wanted to return to him, but also to the way of life, to his family, to where I felt at home.

    We finally got his visa decision last week, he did not get it. We were desperately disappointed as he had not yet met my family or friends, although I spoke about him almost everyday to anyone who would listen. Coincidentally a day later we discovered his Grandmother had recently made plans for him, she had arranged his marriage.

    On finding out my boyfriend has done everything in his power to fight the decision, declaring he wants to marry me. But no one will listen. His parents, his uncles, his aunts; they are all telling him he is doing wrong. This is the culture, the tradition, the reputation of the family. They stated I was just his friend, and he should have explained that we would never be allowed marry before.
    Somehow we thought we would be permitted. We did. His mother had asked me on one occasion if I would marry him but she now claims this was a joke. I have no idea if it was or not.
    My boyfriend states they are at the mercy of his Grandmother, she has all the power and they must obey or become outcasts in the community. They are blackmailing him and doing everything in his power to force him into this. He does not have a choice.

    This is the greatest loss of my life, I am only 23. I am so love, as is he. I am powerless. I am so sad for him. There is nothing he can do. I pray that somehow he will fall in love with this girl he is promised to.

    I do not know what I am looking for with this post, perhaps some insight into why this is happening. I have somehow lost and gained faith in the world at the same time. I can’t understand how his parents cannot open their hearts and allow their son happiness. Yet I am seeing so much beauty in the way so many of my friends have given me strength at this time.

    I had waited so long to see him, for him to visit me in my country and yet in two swift blows I was knocked off my feet and the world as I know it will never be the same. I will probably not see him again, I will definitely not be returning to his hometown or seeing his family or our friends there again. I do not know what my relationship is with India anymore, a place I wanted to be my home.

    If anyone has any words, any guidance, any wisdom I would appreciate it.

    #66411
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Shantigirl

    I am so sorry for your suffering. I don’t have any words, which will lighten the load of your heart ache. However, from my life experiences, I can assure you one thing: What is yours no one can take it away from you and what is not yours, no one can give it to you despite all efforts or struggles. You have tried your best and now leave it to the Universe to figure out what is good for your highest good. Have faith in your higher self. It will never let you astray nor will it let any unhappiness stay in your life for too long. Keep looking for the blessings in this difficult time as they will help to raise you above the line.

    Best wishes,

    Jasmine

    #66419
    Shantigirl
    Participant

    Thank you Jasmine, your kind words mean a lot.
    Yes I will keep looking for blessings, they are what are giving me strength at the moment. I appreciate that I was given this chance to love and be loved and I gave my everything to this relationship. Right now I feel so grateful for all the support and understanding from my family and friends.
    Thank you for taking the time to post, I really appreciate it 🙂

    #68580
    Shantigirl
    Participant

    It has been seven weeks since this all happened and me and my boyfriend had to split. It has been extremely difficult and I feel like I have made no progress.
    I feel like I am lost. I am grieving for the loss of my boyfriend, his family and a home I thought was mine also. I am grieving for our future, for my future. All my memories of India, the language, the culture, all the things I had to learn mean nothing now.
    I have no idea where I am supposed to go now or what I am supposed to do. I currently do not have a job,and I can’t seem to make a decision on where to look for one. I can’t make a decision to do anything.
    It feels like my future is bleak and I don’t want to take a step forward into my disappointing life.
    I thought my life was going to be an adventure with the love of my life and now it feels like it will be disappointing.
    I have no dreams. My dreams have been taken away.

    Please, does anyone have any words to help me through this. I am so lost.

    #68633
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    @shantigirl

    Hi Shantigirl

    I am sorry for what has transpired. I know it is a difficult phase that you are going through and some days are going to be good and some days not so good. However, you gotta keep your head above the water and aim for the best.

    Sometimes not getting what you want or desire is the BIGGEST blessing you can get from the Universe. I have had so many such blessings in my life and I am so grateful for whoever is watching over me. I know the same being is watching over you.

    Hang in there and live in the present moment. Do things that make you sing and dance in joy. Forget about the past and don’t stress about the future. What we do today is determining every second in the future. So make your NOW the best and your future will be bright. Your dreams will unfold right in front of you if you let them.

    And one more thing: If a guy who claims to love you but is not willing to sacrifice anything for that love (regardless of culture differences etc), is he worth spending any more tears on ? NO. A beautiful life awaits you. Go make something good out of it 🙂 Do anything but just go out and do it !!!!!

    Sending you heaps of love and positive energy. I know you are going to be just fine.

    Jasmine

    #68772
    Matt Turner
    Participant

    Hi Shantigirl,

    I read your original post and have been following the conversation. I’m wondering how you are right now?

    If there is anything I can offer, just ask.

    Warmly,

    Matt.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Matt Turner.
    #68800
    Shantigirl
    Participant

    Thank you Jasmine for your kind and helpful words. They mean a lot. Slowly I am realising that this may have been a blessing, I must have been meant for other things. I understand and respect what you said about my boyfriend not choosing our love. However I could never blame or think badly about his decision as ultimately it was not his decision. His life, is culture is more difficult and different than I can perhaos ever understand and I would not want to be the only thing in his life. He does not know life outside of India so I could not ask him to give it all up and step into the unknown. I will always have a special place for him in my heart but I am starting to believe that my life is going to be something more. I have started brainstorming and thinking about my passions and where my life may take me now.
    For the first time in a long time I am excited and hopeful and I have started to meditate again and make peace with this life again.
    Thank you Matt for your concern. I am doing well today. I am feeling hopeful and thankful and I am beginning to believe in living again. It has been my greatest struggle so far but I feel it will be ok. I am so grateful for so many people and things.
    So thank you. It is good people that make me happy about this world. I will be ok 🙂

    #68815
    Matt Turner
    Participant

    Hi Shantigirl,

    I’m pleased to hear you have some clarity of thought. Culture, religion and family units within those two areas can be terribly complicated and sometimes hard to understand. I feel for his struggle, as I do yours!

    Keep and open mind, open heart and open eyes for what’s new, what’s ahead and what’s always on offer.

    In time, you’ll be more than OK.

    Good luck and much warmth.

    Matt.

    Hi Shantigirl,

    I’m pleased to hear you have some clarity of thought. Culture, religion and family units within those two areas can be terribly complicated and sometimes hard to understand. I feel for his struggle, as I do yours!

    Keep and open mind, open heart and open eyes for what’s new, what’s ahead and what’s always on offer.

    In time, you’ll be more than OK.

    Good luck and much warmth.

    Matt.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Matt Turner.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by tinybuddha.
    #69042
    xWhy
    Participant

    Shantigirl, listen to jasmine. She is very, very wise.

    #69521
    rita
    Participant

    Hi

    the same has happened to me. Iv been with my boyfriend for 10 months and he said he would marry me. i met him abroad and came back to my home country. he has now told me a week ago that he cannot marry me as his parents are arranging his marriage in india!! i was in shock as we had talked about marriage.

    we are stil talking but not together anymore, i am finding it really hard to let him go completely as i love him so much.

    i am really upset and he wont change his mind about the arranged marriage.

    #71315
    Jemma
    Participant

    Hi, Shantigirl.
    I am going through this as we speak. My boyfriend told me after the start to the new year that we cannot be together because his parents are searching for a wife for him. I was indescribably heartbroken. I have talked to my friends and my family. No one seems to understand; they can only tell me that things will be okay in time. That is actually painful to think about right now. How will things be okay with time if I only imagined that time to be spent with him? We planned to travel to Europe together this summer, but those dreams won’t happen. I know he deeply loves me still, but I feel so alone and lost. We are still in touch, and I feel like I am racing against time until his family decides his future. Do you think we will still be friends? There is nothing more that my restless soul wants right now than him. He has brought out the life in me again. I need to find out how to get that back. It will be two weeks since we began to let go and things haven’t been let go completely yet. Tomorrow I will send his birthday package as I promised, and after that, I think it will be best to distance myself from him as much as possible. I feel like no one understands this level of heartbreak. I have broken up with someone before, but never have I had to create a break with the most loving, trustworthy, and compassionate man on earth. How do I get over this?

    Thanks,
    Jemma

    #71354
    Shantigirl
    Participant

    Hi Jemma

    I really wish I had answers for you but sadly I do not. I am struggling with my loss on a daily basis and the only thing I can hold on to is that indeed it will be ok in time.
    Can you tell me a little more about yourself and your boyfriend, where are you from? Did you meet him in India? Has he visited outside of India? How long have you been together? Did you meet his parents?
    It is so awful that these things still happen and yes the heartbreak does feel unbearable and it feels as though no one could possibly understand. …
    It feels for me sometimes as though I will never find happiness again but all I can do is keep plodding along, keep alive and hope one day things will be better. There simply is nothing else to do.

    #73277
    Bobbie
    Participant

    Hi Everybody,

    I’ve been seeing a sweet Inidan man for the last 6 months (here in the U.S.), and to my surprise he just told me loved me last Friday. Well, this morning he left on a plane to India for two weeks about an arranged marriage to placate his parents. He told me that he’s 99.9% sure that he’s not going to agree to it, but reading this post now has me worried!

    We’re both in our 30’s, and he has two children from a previous relationship (with an Indian woman here in the U.S.), so I’m not sure how serious this matter is. I do know that it will be a huge weight lifted off his shoulders as he keeps talking about all the fun things we’ll do together when he gets back. And where he told me he wasn’t interested in a relationship before, he now wants to call me his girlfriend. Understandably, I’ve only agreed to wait for him.

    My particular predicament is that I’m not in love with this man yet, but that’s because he really hasn’t let me in whereas I’m more of an open book. I’m hoping that he comes back, un-betrothed, and we can really explore a relationship together. He’s so attentive, patient, understanding, helpful. I’ve never been with a man like him, and I’ve never had a relationship like this. I love spending time with him, but I have to admit I have trust issues and he has not been very forthcoming. Haha! I’m hoping this weight lifted off his shoulders will give him the freedom to be more open with me.

    I’m not sure if anybody is interested in hearing this journey, but I can certainly keep you posted. I’ve honestly never reached out in this format, and I’ve only told two friends. Everybody else thinks it’s a business trip. So, it does feel good to share my thoughts and feelings here, but I’m just not sure it’s helpful or brings solace to the other hurting ladies on here. I might be joining you very soon! I already miss texting him throughout the day, and I’m trying to fill my schedule to keep myself occupied until he’s back.

    Wish me luck please, and pass good vibes. I feel like this is a storyline in a movie, haha! I think I’m still in shock that this is happeneing right now. But at the end of the day, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. And I know that if he comes back to me, it doesn’t solve everything. Like, the fact that my white dad hates the idea of me dating outside my ethnicity, even though he was once married to my Mexican mother! I hope these two weeks FLY BY!

    I would love to hear more about everybody here as well, as Shantigirl said! I really do feel for everybody here. I’ve been through some heart-wrenching heartbreaks in my time. I’ve been single for about 2 yrs, and I’m ready for love again! The best advice I can ever give anybody going through this is to keep your head up, and be alone for a bit and focus on yourself for a bit. And try not to bring whatever baggage you have to a new relationship – we all have it but it’s unfair to both parties involved. But you CAN find happiness again. You just have to let yourself…

    Thanks for listening!
    -Bobbie

    #73307
    MJL
    Participant

    Shantigirl, Just wanted to let you know I am sending white energy light to surround you as you move through grieving and move forward with your life. You are very strong!
    Caring
    MJ

    #73949
    Nothisanymore
    Participant

    After five years of loving my Indian boyfriend, first after having met him online when we were only 18 and 20, and then seeing him come to North America to finish his education and launch his professional career, all the while in hopes we may eventually get his parents to approve, now finally the time for him to seek their permission is only a couple of months away and I feel crushed by stress. He finally admitted to me that he holds very little hope of getting their approval and must abide by their decision if they deny his request. Part of me respects the different culture he was raised in, yet I suffer bouts of even physical pain knowing he doesn’t love me enough to need me in his life. It is tearing me apart right now and I’m feeling like I’m on the verge of cracking. I wonder, if their culture makes loveless marriages work, can I inflict that on someone here merely so I can have children? Thinking of him moving on quickly to an arranged marriage makes me sick, I can’t fathom how he can do it and it makes me feel he can’t really love me at all. I am beginning to think Indians don’t understand love other than in the family sense, like they are raised in a cult like environment where they are brain washed to only value family love and to shun romantic love

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 76 total)

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